November 26, 2009

Giving a Little Untraditional Thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am so excited that Turkey Day is finally here. For one thing, it’s the prelude to the whole holiday season…my absolute favorite time of year. It’s also the time of year for having plenty of opportunities to pig out with zero guilt, and to gather and catch up with family and friends that you haven’t seen in a while, which I am a total sucker for. There is just something so special about the holiday season that makes me feel like I’m a kid again. I still get excited for Santa to come and unlike a lot of New Englanders who choose to complain about it, I happen to LOVE the snow! The holiday season always has a way of reminding me to dream of good things to come in the new year…just as I did when I was younger, and Thanksgiving is the kick-off!

I figured that I just couldn’t possibly get through an entire Thanksgiving without writing about all of the wonderful things that I’m thankful for in my blessed life. Of course I am thankful for the obvious things in my world. I’m thankful to have the most wonderful parents that any child could ask for who love me unconditionally and support me in everything that I take on in life. I am thankful to have the most charming and adorable three-and-a-half year old on the planet and I’m even more thankful that he is 100% healthy and happy. There isn’t much more that a mother could ask for, and to me that is perfection. I am also thankful to have a husband who is willing to put up with my crap on a daily basis and still wants to be married to me. He is also an amazing father and wonderful provider and I’m a very lucky girl. Aside from the obvious things that I’m thankful for, however, I have to admit that there are plenty of “little things” that I am eternally grateful for as well. I thought it was only fit to give these little untraditional blessings the credit they deserve, so here goes nothing!

- I am thankful that I have been blessed with extremely small breasts. Yes, you heard me right. It is common knowledge that your boobs tend to sag after having a child, and I’ll just go ahead and put it out there that my tiny little A-cups are definitely pointing south. I can’t even imagine how far down they would hang if they were any bigger…at least with their miniscule size I can “fake it” with a good push-up bra.

- I am thankful that my beautiful little boy takes after his Daddy and picks up so quickly on technology. He isn’t even four years old yet and on more than one occasion I’ve had to ask him how to work the remote and turn on the TV. I am so thankful that I can rest assured that 10 years from now, he will be able to show me how to work whatever new cell phone is the “hot new thing” so that I’m actually able to call him to find out how to work the new remote to whatever is the new TV. Considering that I can’t work the one we have now, I’d find myself in a real jam without that kid.

- I am thankful that my son has given up his afternoon nap. For one thing, since he doesn’t nap anymore he usually goes to bed without a hitch. I am even more glad he doesn’t nap anymore though because I don’t have to worry about our neurotic neighbor waking him up each day with the lawnmower, leafblower, chainsaw, or snowblower. I mean, the guy is completely and totally obsessed and always seemed to have a sixth sense for recognizing the exact moment that I put my son down for a nap. He’s so obsessed that once in a while he even wanders over to our yard and runs the leafblower because he is sick and tired of our leaves blowing into his yard. Total psycho. I keep trying to convince the hubby to go out there one morning and stand on his front stoop banging on pots and pans. So far he hasn’t obliged.

- I am thankful that the neurotic neighbor does not read my blog and does not even know that I have a blog for that matter. I will be completely mortified if he ever finds out, or if he ever tries to friend me on Facebook. Considering the amount of shit I talk about this guy…and the fact that he is a corrections officer, I’d probably find myself in a bit of a pickle if he ever catches wind of how much I trash him. For now I’ll just keep doing the “neighborly” thing and wave hello and smile real big every time he looks over into our yard.

- I am thankful that there has not be one second in my life where I had rock-hard abs. My post-baby belly has been much less of a disappointment for me than so many other new moms because my expectations are so much lower. I mean, so what if I can see my tummy jiggle in the mirror while I’m brushing my teeth? Something like that would be much more traumatic had I ever been blessed with a six-pack.

- I am thankful that I’ve never been a huge fan of Black Friday and at 4:00am tomorrow morning, I will be happily sleeping in my warm bed instead of standing in a crowd of hundreds in front of Walmart waiting for the doors to open and reveal the deal of the century. Some people are brave enough to handle something like that…but not me. I’m too much of a wuss. Death by trampling? No thanks.

- I am thankful for reality TV shows that my husband and I watch because it makes us feel better about our own lives and puts things into perspective. I’d like to give special recognition to the “Real World Road Rules Challenge” for making us truly thankful that the hubster has a real job and doesn’t have to make a living by moving into a house with 20 drunks and a couple of strippers and competing in ridiculous activities such as being rolled down a hill in a tire and climbing on a metal cage suspended about ten stories in the air.

- I am thankful that the local liquor store in the center of town not only has great wine, but also comes fully equipped with a couple golden retrievers and a can of dum-dums at the check-out counter. It makes a trip there just as entertaining for my son as it is for me.

- I am thankful that I am just a regular human being and that I’m not a celebrity and don’t have to live up to the pressures of being a mom in Hollywood. I won’t get fired on Monday if my scale goes up five pounds over the weekend, so on that note, I plan on completely stuffing my face with all sorts of delicious Thanksgiving goodies.

- I am thankful that I did laundry this week and have a couple of fresh pairs of yoga pants upstairs that I can put on once my pants start cutting off my circulation after my Thanksgiving gorge session. Hmm…maybe I’ll have two desserts tonight!

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “I wish you all a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving full of whatever your “little things” are!”




15 Comments
Posted Under: blessings, Thanksgiving
November 25, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

All I can say is that this is the most action that yoga mat has seen in a long time. And I have no excuse for the laundry basket in the background. And those are clean clothes that have yet to be put away in case anyone was wondering. And yes, I’m fully aware that they are spilling over out of the basket. Ok…please send help because I’m up to my ears in getting ready for Turkey Day and have no intention of doing housework.
5 Comments
Posted Under: Wordless Wednesday
November 24, 2009

Who Doesn’t Love a Surprise?

Yesterday, I was so pleased to wake up and find that another mommy blogger who I’ve recently started following honored me with this adorable lemonade stand award! Her blog is so cute and I love reading it, so stop on over and check her out at Mommy Wonderland!

There were no official rules on this award, which is great for me because let’s face it…I’m not always the best at being a rule follower 100% of the time! That being said, here is my cute award!

To continue spreading the love, I would like to pass this award on to two other blogging mamas that I’ve recently discovered and love to read:

Mamma Dweeb

Bigger By The Belly

Stop by and visit them when you have a chance!

The old saying goes, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” I’m putting my own twist on this phrase and saying, “When life hands you lemons, slice ‘em up and use them for a garnish on a Crystal Light Martini!”

For those of you who partake in the drink at the end of a long day, I’m leaving the recipe for you. They are so refreshing on a hot day, on a cold day, and especially on one of those “I am totally at my wit’s end with this kid and I might have to be admitted to a mental institution if I don’t have a cocktail” kind of days. Enjoy!

The Mommyologist’s Crystal Light Martini

Ingredients: (I like to keep these simple so the booze gets in my hand faster)!

Crystal Light Pink Lemonade

Smirnoff Citrus Vodka

Ice

Lemon for garnish

A Metal Shaker and a Smile

Fill the shaker about halfway with ice. Pour in Crystal Light until the shaker is about 3/4 full. Add in a shot or shot and a half of citrus vodka depending on how bad your day was. Shake, pour into a nice, chilled ‘tini glass, add a slice of lemon on the rim…and enjoy!

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “WARNING: Consuming too many Crystal Light Martinis may lead to drunk blogging. I’m assuming this is as potentially harmful as drunk texting, emailing, etc. Proceed with caution.”

7 Comments
Posted Under: awards, martinis
November 23, 2009

Classical Conditioning at its Finest

Amid all the uncertainty and inconsistencies that go along with being a mom, somehow in my house, there is one scenario that I can always count on staying the same. Each and every time the phone rings and I decide that I have the time to actually answer it, the minute I pick up the receiver I hear a familiar sound. It goes something like this: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Can I have a cookie please?” Sometimes it’s a donut or a piece of candy instead of a cookie, but some sort of delectable treat is always involved. You see, somewhere during the course of attempting to be a good mother to my son while also finding time to have phone conversations with adults like a normal human being, I turned my son from an adorable little preschooler into Pavlov’s dog. I’m not sure of the exact moment when this transition took place, but I’m fairly certain that it started back when he was a toddler and I figured out that the easiest way to pull him off my leg and stop him from whining so I could talk on the phone for five minutes was to shove an animal cracker in his hand. Every time I did that, he would happily wander back into the playroom while munching on that animal cracker and I could finally get a few words into my conversation before he came waddling back in for another one. This process would normally repeat itself about ten times while I was talking to whoever was on the other end of the phone. It may have not been the most ideal fix to my problem, but it did work, and at that point I really wasn’t too concerned about the behavior sticking once he got a little older and definitely didn’t think that it would come back and bite me in the ass.

You would think that I would have known better given that I have a degree in Psychology, but I guess I was just way too busy guzzling beers and hitting frat parties during my college days when good old Pavlov was covered in class. From the bits and pieces I do remember (how did I get a degree??), every time Pavlov would feed his dog, he’d ring a bell first. It finally got to the point where the dog would salivate just from the sound of the bell without any food being put in front of him.

(At this point, I’d like to pause and please ask any and all other Psych majors who are reading this to cut me some slack if I’m off on this theory. I am just way too busy to Google it right now).

Obviously, I have become Pavlov, my son is the dog, and that damn phone is the bell. That little bugger has completely been conditioned by his brilliant mother to expect a reward every time the phone rings. You know what the worst part is? I am so desperate at this point in my life to have connections to the adult world that I really have no interest in trying to reverse the behavior, not to mention the fact that I am just way too scared of the agony that I’d have to endure if I even tried to reverse it. I guess this is just one of those instances where I am admitting to all the other mommies out there that I’m trying to be a good mother, but I’m not perfect by any means and sometimes I would just rather do what I have to do to make it through the day without a vein in my head exploding instead of worrying about what kind of permanent psychological damage I may be doing to my child. Is that wrong? Please don’t turn me in!

In thinking more about the lengths I go to in order to complete a ten-minute phone conversation, I realized that this is not the only segment of my life in which I have resorted to some sort of bribery with my child. I hate to label it as bribery, but let’s be honest…that’s exactly what it is. Just to make myself feel like a little bit less of an “unmodel” parent, I’m going to call it “incenting” instead of bribery from now on.

One of the first times that I can remember “incenting” (ohhh…I like the way that sounds much better!) my child was when he was about four months old. I wasn’t lucky enough to have one of those dream babies who would sit still in his car seat or swing for more than ten minutes at a time. Nope! Not my kid. He had to be moved around and introduced to different activities constantly. He always was a curious one and continues to be so to this day! I had developed a cycle of putting him on the exercise mat for tummy time, then moving him to the couch and putting a couple toys around him, then sitting him in his little bouncy seat where he would look at the moving fish for a few minutes (we had that Fisher-Price Aquarium bouncer and I highly recommend it), and then I would start the whole cycle over. Each cycle lasted about 15-20 minutes and after repeating it about 20 times during the day I had pretty much had it. I’m not going to lie. All I really wanted to do was plop my butt down on the couch for 30 minutes so that I could read the US Weekly cover to cover. I mean, I was already over-exhausted, overweight, and my brain was under-stimulated, so I figured that indulging in some Hollywood bullshit was the best route to go. Where else can you be made to feel like a complete failure, a total heifer, and at the same time get a little bit of guilty entertainment out of who is hooking up with who in La-La-Land? At that point in my life, US Weekly was one-stop shopping.

I realized that if I actually wanted to try and relax and read a magazine…(well, you can’t really call it reading…because US Weekly really isn’t considered good reading material, but WHATEVER!)…then I was going to have to figure out someway to get my little bundle interested in something for more than 20 minutes. That is when I discovered the Baby Einstein videos. I decided to give them a shot even though I had proclaimed to every single person who would listen that “my child would never watch TV until he got older.” I don’t know who in the hell I thought I was at that point, but whoever I was made a swift exit the minute I discovered the Baby Beethoven video that I’d been given as a shower gift. I popped it into the DVD player, placed my son in his bouncy seat, put it in front of the TV, and then pushed play and held my breath. You know what my little character did? He took his little foot and propped it up onto the moving fish display of that bouncy seat and proceeded to kind of rock back and forth for 30 minutes without taking his eyes off the screen. I had visions of him thirty years into the future sitting in a Lazy-Boy with a bag of chips and a six pack, but I let those thoughts go to the wayside for the time being. For the first time since I brought him home from the hospital, I actually sat and finished the US Weekly cover to cover. Then I had a good crying session after seeing photos of Britney Spears’ “post-baby bod.” Oh well…at least I got to sit still for 30 minutes. Thanks Baby Einstein!

My little guy will be four years old in March, and I am ashamed to admit that the “incenting” has only gotten worse as time has gone on. I still stick him in front of the TV when I really need to get something done. In all honesty, he is sitting in the family room right now watching Little Einsteins so that I can manage to get a post up today. (Hold on a sec…I need to go get him the string cheese out of the fridge that he has requested. Hey, at least it’s sugar free)! I hope I don’t have a bunch of angry moms banging down my door in protest for saying this, but I am completely untraditional and I think that some of the shows he watches have actually taught him quite a bit. I could write an entire post about how he can recognize every single musical instrument by sight or sound and he can also tell you which family of the orchestra each one belongs to and I know for a fact that he didn’t learn this from me or my husband, but from Little Einsteins. A lot of moms hate TV…I happen to love it and don’t know how anyone mother lives without it, but that’s just me. More power to you if you have the patience to get through each and every day without resorting to behaviors such as mine. I don’t. Please try not to judge me as a bad parent…I guess I’m just not as strong as you are.

Last Thursday after preschool, my son and I took a little trip to Target to pick up a few much needed items. I had quite a number of things on my list and I told him if he was a really good boy and stayed with me and walked right next to me in the store since he’s just way too proud to ride in the cart anymore, that I would let him pick out a toy for his good behavior. He was an angel and we got to the toy section and picked out this little basket-looking thing where you insert these “helicopter” like wheels, let the release button go and they fly up into the air. I know, I know…letting him choose that toy definitely just encouraged my incenting habit, but just look at the awe and wonder on his little face while we played with that toy later that day. Can you resist it? I sure can’t.

I may have incented the little guy, but it was worth every single solitary second that he and I spent outside, on an uncharacteristically warm November day in Connecticut watching those little “helicopters” fly into the air. It sure beats an US Weekly!

As if the Target trip wasn’t bad enough as far as incenting him goes…the very next day we ventured over to the Christmas Tree Shop to pick up a few things I needed to make some gift baskets. It was a total zoo in there as usual and I was just so proud of the little guy for braving the chaos with me. I took him to the children’s section “just to check things out” when all of a sudden I spotted a toy electric guitar out of the corner of my eye. There were a bunch of purple and pink ones for little girls left…but only a couple that were blue and suitable for boys. I completely panicked at the thought of heading back to the Christmas Tree Shop on a later date in order to purchase that guitar for my little rock star for Christmas and finding that the “boy” ones were completely sold out. Even worse, I pictured myself fighting over the very last blue guitar and tackling some other incenting-addicted mom. Subjecting her to a headlock just didn’t seem fair or worth it. Again, I totally caved. And again…just look at that face!!! Have I won “Mother-of-the-Year” yet?

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “To all of the other “incenters” out there…know that you are not alone. For now I’m telling myself that maybe, just maybe buying my little one that electric guitar will lead to him winning a Grammy someday. For now, I’ll settle for his little smile. That’s all the incentive I need!”


5 Comments
Posted Under: bribery, incentives, toys
November 21, 2009

Tall Tales From La-La Land: Volume Two

Ok…let’s see…where shall I begin?

I came home late this afternoon from running the day’s errands and had a nice story going in my head for what my next post would be all about. I came in the house, set my son up with the Happy Meal I’d just bought for him, and started the process of checking my emails, facebook, twitter, and of course my blog. I didn’t get past checking my emails before I decided I just had to save my original idea for a later post because more than one person had sent me a message wanting to know my thoughts on a completely appalling article that came out today. I decided that it would just be a complete and total disgrace to the “Mom-Code” if I didn’t share my reactions to this disgusting story with all of the other “I don’t have 5 different nannies and a celebrity trainer”- challenged gals out there. The self-esteem-extinguishers over at Yahoo! even had the nerve to post it on their home page today. If you’ve already been on Yahoo!, then I’m sure you can guess which article I’m referring to. If not, I’m posting the link below for your reading displeasure. If you’re drinking a hot beverage right now you may want to put it down first before clicking.

“Heidi Klum Bounces Back after Baby”

As if the Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. new baby article featured in People that I discussed in an earlier post, Can We Please Cut The Crap Already?, wasn’t enough to make every new mom in America feel completely fat and useless, Victoria’s Secret had to go ahead and shove Heidi Klum onto a runway just five weeks after giving birth.

“Are You Freakin’ Kidding Me?”

After I clicked the link to the article on Yahoo!’s home page, it brought me to the page that they refer to as “OMG.” I am going to assume that this stands for “Obnoxiously Manipulative Garbage.” I call it manipulative because once again, it is aimed to fool new mommies, not to mention impressionable teenage and college-age girls into thinking that the celebrity world is in fact reality and that it is the “norm” for how women are expected to look and behave. The title to the story on that page reads: “Heidi Klum “Excited” About Walking Runway Five Weeks After Baby!” Excuse me? Did I read that right? She’s excited about walking the runway? Five weeks after I gave birth I wasn’t even excited about walking downstairs in the morning let alone some runway. To be quite honest, I wasn’t even excited about getting out of bed in the morning after having to get out of bed twenty times the previous night. You know what I was excited about five weeks after giving birth? I was excited that my baby was off the boob by then and I could indulge in a glass of wine or five every night. I was excited when the weekend came because I knew with the hubster around there was a 99% chance that I would get to take a shower. I was excited because the hemorrhoids that had plagued me for nine months strait were finally starting to shrink a little. Heidi Klum can HAVE her runway. I would’ve been content if someone would’ve dropped off some Preparation-H.

After declaring how excited she was to be back doing fashion shows just a short five weeks after childbirth, (and let’s not forget that it’s her FOURTH child that she’s just given birth to), Heidi went on to say that she is “keeping it all together.” I’m sorry, but how can she claim that she herself is keeping three kids and a newborn together when we all know very well that she most definitely has an entire army of people who are doing the actual “keeping it all together” so that she can spend her time in a more productive manner by modeling sexy lingerie and having her hair and nails professionally done on a daily basis. Why can’t Heidi, (or any other celebrity mom out there for that matter), go a different route and be HONEST for a change and say something more like, “I live a privileged life and I am very fortunate to have an entourage of people who get up with my newborn baby in the middle of the night so I don’t have bags under my eyes, take my other children to and from preschool, play with them and take them to the park, do the laundry for a household of six, clean my entire house on a daily basis, and deliver calorie-proportioned meals to my kitchen after I’m done with my three hour workout session with my trainer in my private home gym.” Guess she thinks it’s just easier to keep up with the illusion of perfection than to give a little bit of a sigh of relief to “normal” new mommies.

When asked about how her new bundle was doing, Miss Klum went on to say, “She’s great. I pre-pumped a lot of milk, left it in the freezer.” I need some clarification here please. It is common knowledge to anyone who is breast feeding or has ever breast fed that the more frequently your baby eats, or the more you pump, the more OFTEN you have to empty your breasts. How many times a day is this woman pumping in order to have enough of a supply of breast milk to keep her baby satisfied for hours if not days on end? I mean, some of those top-of-the-line breast pumps are pretty good, but they aren’t good enough to turn you into a milk factory for God sakes! If she’s pumping as much as she implies, then they must have her in some pretty incredible corset to bind the twins together and stop them from bursting out of the top of her bustier otherwise she’d never make it through an entire fashion show. Maybe I’m a complete and total idiot, but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around this one.

It wouldn’t be a celebrity interview without asking the question of how she’s lost the baby weight. Heidi’s response was, “Every time it’s the same. You know, if you kind of gain 45 pounds, then it takes time to kind of go down again.” Let me translate this statement out of la-la-land language into something that everyday moms can understand. What Heidi was really trying to say was, “I will be completely humiliated if everyone reading this article realizes that I actually gained more like 50 pounds…45 sounds better, so let’s go with that. I still have 20 more pounds to go and I don’t really want them to know that either, so I’ll just be vague and go the whole “kind of” route. Hopefully the readers won’t realize that in all actuality, Victoria’s Secret has my fat ass crammed into three layers of Spanx, and underneath the layers of tuille and some other unknown material, I don’t have a six-pack yet and my hips are still a few inches bigger than they were before I popped out four kids.” I guarantee she would’ve won a medal if she’d admitted it.

I’m sure that this won’t be the last time that I go off on a rant about how Hollywood is single-handedly giving at least half of the women in America a self-image complex. It is one of those subjects that really hits close to home for me and brings back memories of feeling hopeless and alone and wondering what in the hell I was doing wrong because I didn’t look exactly like some model on a magazine cover. It is my hope that us mamas and all women for that matter can band together and spread the word that it is OK to be sleep deprived, fat, and a complete sobbing soup sandwich after having a child.

I can think of no better way to close this post than with a comparision of Miss Heidi’s photo five weeks after giving birth, and a photo of me five weeks after giving birth. While Heidi looks like a Vegas Show girl, in my photo you will notice that my hair has not been washed, and you can tell that my pre-baby clothes are nowhere close to fitting me because I’m sitting on a couch in a pair of lounge shorts and a Bad-Dog Beer T-shirt. Did I mention that I’m holding my five-week old little guy in this photo? Isn’t that what a mom should be doing five weeks post-baby instead of walking the catwalk?


The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “For those of you who’d like to tune in, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show will air on December 1st. I plan on watching and paying close attention to Heidi in the hopes that her illusion will be exposed by a Tuck’s Medicated Pad falling out of her outfit.”

Note: Heidi Klum photo courtesy of Yahoo!.com


16 Comments
Posted Under: celebrity, Hollywood, new mom
November 19, 2009

"Mom-Code"

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I booked the babysitter and were able to escape for a little rendezvous consisting of the traditional date-night dinner and a movie. We decided that we were in the mood for a few laughs, so we went to see Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughn. We are both big fans of his movies and just love his sense of humor, so this flick had been on our list for a while. All in all, it was a pretty cute movie and definitely had a few belly-laugh moments. For some unknown random reason, I started thinking about this movie again yesterday while pushing my son on the swing in our backyard. I remembered how in the film, there were a couple references made to “Man-Code.” I am sure that each and every one of you have heard of this little thing known as Man-Code, and if for some reason you haven’t, it’s pretty much a no-brainer. Man-Code is a little set of unwritten rules between males that they don’t ever discuss, but the concepts are just generally understood. Breaking the Man-Code is a complete and total no-no, and usually results in a full on brawl of one sort or another, and someone going home with a black eye or two. A few examples of the code include not hooking up with any of their “bros” ex-girlfriends, pretending not to notice one of their male co-workers while visiting a strip-club after work knowing full well that if that co-worker were to notice him, that he would keep his lips zipped and adhere to the Man-Code, and not divulging any information that is brought up around the poker table on boys night to his wife when he gets home that night. As I chuckled to myself a little about the Man-Code while my son laughed on the swing, I started realizing that moms also have an unspoken set of rules that are meant to be followed under any and all circumstances. We truly do have our own “Mom-Code.” I decided that it was necessary to the survival of our sisterhood for me to go against the grain and write down a full set of rules describing the Mom-Code. Here goes nothing!

“Mom-Code” according to The Mommyologist”

(Note: These rules are in no particular order)

1. If Mom #1 notices that Mom #2′s thong is popping out of her low-rise jeans and is visible to the public as she crouches down to tie her child’s shoe, it is Mom #1′s duty to stand behind Mom #2 to conceal that thong until she stands back up, at which point she needs to be notified of the thong-flash so she can pull her jeans up a little. This rule also applies to exposed butt-cracks.

2. One mom should never have to apologize to another mom for her house being a complete and total mess before coming over for a playdate. The reasoning behind this is that Mom #2′s house is a mess also after trying to wrangle kids and at the same time tackle the dishes, the laundry, phone calls, emails, and whatever sort of destruction the children do to her dwelling while she is trying to accomplish those household tasks, so she will understand and will not think poorly upon Mom #1 if the remnants of last night’s lasagna are still soaking in a pan in her sink.

3. If Mom #2 comes over to Mom #1′s home with her children, and one of them knocks something over and breaks it, Mom #1 will not bat an eyelash while cleaning that item up and throwing whatever is left of it into the trash can. If the item were breakable and had any significance or worth to it at all, then Mom #1 should have been smart enough not to have it on display in a place where children freely roam. Mom #2 will politely apologize for her child breaking the item, but she is really just standing there thinking about the Mom-Code and wondering why in the hell Mom #1 would have something so fragile on display.

4. Time alone with other moms is our time to vent about anything and everything that is going on in our mom-world. If Mom #1 chooses to have a husband bashing session with Moms #2 and #3, the latter two moms will not judge her for one millisecond, and the next time that they are together without Mom #1, they will not bring up or discuss any of the negative things that Mom #1 said about her husband. She is a woman after all, and women need to vent, and what better way to vent than to vent to other moms about how pissed off she is that her husband didn’t get up in the middle of the night with the baby or didn’t pick his clothes up off the bedroom floor. If some sort of more serious husband offense is discussed and Mom #1 is completely irate with him, then Mom #2 and Mom #3 will be irate with him as well and will nod their heads in agreement when Mom #1 says, “I can’t BELIEVE he (insert bad deed here).” When the storm blows over a week or so later and Mom #1 declares that her husband is an absolute saint and she loves him even more than she did on her wedding day, Mom #2 and Mom #3 will happily congratulate her on what a total catch that hubby of hers is.

5. Moms-night-out is like gold and it should be treated with respect and dignity. When out with the moms for some much needed girl time, Mom #1 will not order an appetizer and call that her entree. If any appetizers are going to be ordered, then there will be a few of them ordered for the whole table to share, and they will not be non-fat. There are NO calories on Mom’s night. If the spinach and artichoke dip is ordered for the table then Mom #1 better be taking a bite or two of that dip because if she doesn’t have some of that dip, then all of the other moms at the table will feel like they are over-indulging. This rule especially applies if Mom #1 is skinnier than the rest of the mom group. She will then order a delicious entree and will share whatever desserts are ordered with the rest of the mom clan. (I am ashamed to admit that I have broken the dessert code more than once. It is my pledge from here on out that I will never let this unacceptable behavior happen again).

6. Whenever Mom #1 invites any other moms over to her house because she is hosting a jewelry party, spa party, candle party, food-tasting party, etc., the other moms will operate under the assumption that if they accept the party invitation, that: a.) they will attend the party under all logical circumstances and will not cancel last minute unless there is a dire emergency, and b.) they will understand clearly that they are expected to purchase a decent amount of items at that party so that Mom #1 can collect her free goods. For all fairness and reciprocity purposes, Mom #1 will then attend each and every single party hosted by any of the moms who attended her party and the same rules will apply to her.

7. (This Mom-Code rule seems to be the one that is most broken and ignored by mothers, and mainly by new moms. After their children get a little older, they start to see the light and hopefully start paying more attention to this rule, but I think it is necessary to try and start enforcing it a little earlier to save new mothers some heartache that they definitely do NOT deserve).

If Mom #1 confesses to Mom #2 that her baby was up crying the entire night before and she is completely exhausted and at her wits end because she tried every single trick in the book with that baby and he/she still would not go to sleep, Mom #2 will offer nothing but sympathy and compassion to Mom #1 and she will offer to watch her child for a couple hours so that Mom #1 can go take a nap or at least have a few minutes to herself. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will Mom #2 look at Mom #1 and say, “Well, I’m sorry but I just can’t imagine what you are going through because my little angel sleeps through the night every night and has for months!” Read this one clearly ladies and let it sink in: Motherhood is NOT a competition! It is absolutely against the rules for Mom #2 to make Mom #1 feel like she is doing something wrong or that her baby is inferior in any way just to boost up her own credibility as a parent. Mom #1 will have way more respect for Mom #2 and their friendship will continue to thrive and grow if they lean on each other instead of compete with each other. (I really wish I’d known about this rule sooner. It would’ve saved me a lot of 4:30am sobbing sessions).

8. Every mother knows that your body is just never quite the same after giving birth. You may shed every last pound of baby weight, but somehow your favorite jeans still don’t fit. It happens to the best of us. Even though our shapes don’t completely revert back to their pre-preggo form, this is not an excuse to start wearing “mom-jeans.” You all know what “mom-jeans” are and if there is any clarification needed as to what types of jeans constitute being labeled as “mom-jeans”, basically if the top of your pants is anywhere close to your bra-line, then you are officially wearing “mom-jeans.” Let this be a fair warning that if Mom #1 puts on a pair of “mom-jeans”, it is the duty of Mom #2 and Mom #3 to casually let her know that she is wearing “mom-jeans” and to stage an intervention if necessary.

9. This rule applies to all of the pregnant chicks about to enter the mom-sphere. If a preggo-chick is hanging out with Mom #1 and Mom #2, who have been around the block on the whole mommy thing for some time now and have learned a thing or two on their journey, preggo-chick fully sets herself up for any and all weird smirks and looks coming from the faces of Mom #1 and Mom #2 when she announces her perfectly thought out plan for how her labor and delivery will go, what she will and won’t do as a mom, and exactly what type of child her little one is going to be. The thoughts going through the heads of Moms #1 & #2 behind those weird looks and smirks go something like this, “Yeah, RIGHT! You just wait honey! You have NO IDEA what is about to happen to your little utopia!” Mom #1 and Mom #2 have a set of guidelines here too and are under the general understanding that the best thing to do in this situation is to just smile and nod knowing full well that preggo-chick will figure out exactly why she was getting such weird looks from them the first time that she wakes up in the middle of the night to a crying baby who has poop all the way up his back.

10. Adhering and agreeing to the Mom-Code rules means that you understand that under no circumstances is there ever any excuse for breaking the code or disclosing any of its secrets to members of the opposite sex. They have their code and we have ours and there is just no need for the two to overlap in any way. Of course, if any of your husbands decide to break the Man-Code and tell you any juicy secrets spilled at the poker table about any of the husbands of any of our Mom-Code sisters, it is your duty as a Mom-Code follower to fill her and the rest of us in on every single detail.

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “I’m taking my official oath today to follow all of the rules of the Mom-Code to the very best of my ability. I am so honored to be part of this elite club! How about you?”

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Posted Under: friendship, moms, motherhood
November 18, 2009

Giving Wordless Wednesday a Whirl!

Happy Hump Day!
Thought I’d try something different and jump on the “Wordless Wednesday” bandwagon…so here is my official debut!

The little stud managed to transform the family room into his “airplane” this morning somewhere during the 15-minute window when I was on the computer. I’m not complaining though…at least I got a few minutes to myself! A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do to get her blog on!
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Posted Under: Wordless Wednesday
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