“Waaaaiiiitttt For Mommmmyyyyy!”

My darling son (and everyone else within our general vicinity) heard me screaming that statement repeatedly yesterday as we stepped off the jetbridge from our flight that had just arrived in Jacksonville, Florida. Now, on most days, my little guy is a fairly good listener as long as his expectations are somewhat aligned with whatever it is I’m requesting of him. However, after a fun-filled day of air travel with ME, he was definitely ready to make his escape. He took off running as soon as we exited the aircraft because the smart little cookie knew that on the other side of that jetbridge and halfway through the airport, he would find his “Grams” waiting for him with open arms and most definitely a surprise or two to entertain him on the car ride to her house.

I tried my best to keep up with the little guy, and since he refused to sit in the stroller because he is just way too cool for that these days, a light bulb went off in my head and I decided that I was just absolutely brilliant for realizing that I could dump the carry-on bags onto the seat of the stroller and push them through the airport in a desperate attempt to keep tabs on my kid. The plan worked well at first and I was only about ten feet or so behind my little man…and then the contents of my purse started to fall out of the side of the stroller onto the airport floor. In a moment of pure desperation, I concluded that losing my child was going to have to take precedence over the fact that some of my personal items were now covered in whatever sort of germs once occupied the bottom of the shoes of the thousands of travelers who had passed before me that day. (I still want to pass out at the thought even from typing those words. Give me a moment to regain my composure as I try not to gag).

I let go of my germophobe self for the time being and yelled even louder for him to STOP! and WAIT FOR MOMMY! He sort of turned around halfway, saw that I was now picking up my wallet, a sippy cup, and a leftover bag of Pepperidge Farm goldfish off the ground and I guess he felt sorry for me, because he made his way back over to me and the stroller and waited for me to finish picking up my mess. It was at this point that another fellow mommy-traveler passed by my with her stroller and her three kids. We made eye contact and exchanged subtle glances of, “What the fu*& is going on here?”

I felt that I needed to acknowledge the fact that she and I were having some sort of telepathic communication going on, so I took my finger and placed it to the side of my head as if I were firing a gun. She looked at me and said, “Yeah, you’re telling ME?”

We did finally manage to reach “Grams” without losing any of our personal belongings or each other for that matter, and just as I suspected her car came fully equipped with snacks, juice boxes, and a brand new shiny matchbox car for my boy. As he sucked back an apple juice and played with his new little treasure, I spent the ride telling her all about our adventures in the world of air travel that day. She laughed out loud when I told her about the “moment” I’d shared with that lady and her three kids in the airport, and it dawned on me that there is definitely some sort of unspoken bond between mothers who are flying with their children. There really ought to be some sort of guide book written for moms (and dads!) to read before they take their very first airplane ride with their little ones. Ok wait a minute. Scratch that. Now that I think about it, parents aren’t the ones who need the guide book. It is the other air travelers who surround those poor parents on the plane and do nothing but huff and puff the minute they see them getting on board with a child and immediately shoot them looks of disgust and disapproval as if to say, “How dare you bring a child onto this airplane?” who need some set of guidelines to follow. Ok, it’s settled. I’m writing a set of rules of etiquette for these holier-than-thou jetsetters who happen to have the pleasure of flying on a plane without having to worry about fitting anyone else’s oxygen mask to their face after putting on their own.

The Mommyologist’s Rules of Etiquette for Air Travel:

1. Before boarding any flight in any given airport in any given country on any given day, the gate agent announces something called the “Pre-Board.” Read it again people. The PRE-BOARD. Anyone who flies at least once every few years or so knows that the pre-board is called in an effort to allow people who “need a little more time or assistance” an opportunity to board the plane without being trampled to death, and to give them a few extra minutes to get settled in their seats so they don’t wind up holding up the entire boarding process, and the hundred or so other passengers don’t wind up standing on the jetbridge shivering waiting for some poor mother to not only fold up her stroller at the end of the jetway, but also to hold her child while she is folding up that stroller, and then to make it onto the plane and into her seat without dropping that child or without bumping some other passenger in the head with her diaper bag. Yes, that’s right folks. It’s called the PRE-BOARD for a reason. You aren’t going to die if you have to stand in the gate area for an extra five minutes, so just consider that extra time to be a gift of a few minutes that you don’t have to spend sitting on that plane listening to that poor mother’s child scream. Enjoy the silence already and step aside and let that stroller through. Board when your damn zone is called!

2. Please remember one thing when you make your way down the aisle to your row and realize to your complete dismay that you will be sharing the next two hours sitting in that row with a mother and her baby. Despite what you may think, those two hours are going to be much more agonizing for the poor mother than they are for you. Consider the fact that you and your solo self have the luxury of getting up to use the airplane lavatory without having to figure out how you are going to a.) hold onto your baby because the flight attendants are just way too paranoid these days about having some lawsuit filed against them for holding a child improperly so they offer no assistance to the mother if she needs to take a mid-flight pee, and b.) hold onto your baby and at the same time use the facilities without pissing all over yourself and also having success at pulling down your pants and pulling them back up and getting them zipped while still holding onto that baby. See the silver lining yet?

3. Just because you have the pleasure of flying without a child permanently attached to your lap does not give you the right to doze off mid-flight while sitting in the aisle seat and expect the over-stressed mommy sitting next to you to let you sleep for the entire duration of the flight if she needs to get up and go change a poopy diaper. Rule #3 formally states that if that baby drops a load into his Huggies, then that mother has the full right to nudge you and wake up your sorry ass. When you finally do open your eyes after an unsuccessful attempt to ignore the poor woman (you can’t fool moms…we’re like Santa…we know when you are sleeping, and we know when you are awake and are just pretending to be sleeping because you live in fear of making eye contact with our adorable little bundle and you don’t want to be subjected to having to smile and make goo-goo eyes at the kid during the entire trip), you are expected to smile at the mom and say, “No problem!” as you get out of your seat…that’s right, you get OUT of your seat and step into the aisle so that she can get up and get to that lavatory without having to crawl over your knees. This also lessens the chance that you will get a full-frontal whiff of that dirty diaper upon her exit into the aisle. Go ahead and ask yourself which scenario you’d rather have.

4. If the parents of an adorable toddler have decided to purchase him his own seat on the flight because he is just getting too big to sit in his mom or dad’s lap during the trip, then that seat, along with any of the space under the seat in front of him, belongs to that toddler and his parents…not to you. Even if this toddler doesn’t have a carry-on bag of his own and there is nothing under that seat in front of him, this does not give you any sort of privilege or right to place any of your carry-on items under that seat. If during the middle of the flight, this toddler climbs into his mother or dad’s lap because he wants to get away from the mean man sitting in the aisle seat and needs a cuddle, the empty seat that he was sitting in a few minutes ago still belongs to him, and it is not a dumping grounds for your papers, laptop, or empty McDonald’s bag. You paid for your seat, and junior paid for his. If you want the extra space, buy an extra seat or upgrade to First Class.

5. Air Travel Etiquette Rule #5 may be the most important one. If you are in the row with a mother and her kids, or even in one of the rows around her, and much to your surprise and delight you realize that you’ve actually had a very enjoyable flight because (gasp)! the children didn’t make a peep and were unbelievably well-behaved, say something to the mother about it. Don’t keep it to yourself and then mention it to one of your co-workers later that week. Say it out loud and give the woman some props for doing a great job for crying out loud! As a mom who has flown with her “baby” since he was three months old, I know that there is just nothing more satisfying than hearing some guy in a suit and tie who gave you the evil eye the minute he sat down next to you turn to you at the end of the flight to tell you what a well behaved little angel you have. Little does that man know that he’s just made my day and that I’ve spent the entire flight a complete and total nervous wreck because I’ve been completely terrified that my little one was going to start crying or spill something on his perfectly pressed business attire. Bottom line…have a heart for all of us mommy-travelers out there. We’re just trying to get through a day of airport hell the same as you are…we just happen to have a few extra carry-on bags. Just because we have children does not make us exempt from having to get from Point A to Point B, so when you see us during the boarding process, sit down, shut up, and then make us overflow with pride at the end of our journey when you speak up and tell us that we’re doing a great job. Believe me…that little pat on the back goes a long way!