A Few Words from a Former A-Lister

Well, I finally seem to be coming out of my Turkey Day coma and I’m getting back into a routine of some sort and getting a post up today! I feel like such a slacker…but I guess that’s what consuming two or three pounds of food over the course of a long weekend does to you. I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday! I enjoyed a very quiet and pleasant Thanksgiving Day with my two boys, and then on Friday morning I hopped on a plane for a quick 24-hour trip to Pittsburgh (my hometown) for a family baby shower. I was so excited to take this trip for a few reasons. First, my mom was flying in from her home in Florida and meeting me there and I always love the chance to sneak in a visit with her even if it’s only for a few hours. She and I always have so many laughs when we are together, and there is usually plenty of wine involved resulting in even more comedy. This trip was no exception. Second, my grandfather lives in Pittsburgh and I don’t see him near enough, so it was so nice to catch up with him a little and fill him in on everything that is going on in my world these days. Third, basically my mom’s entire side of the family lives in Pittsburgh as well, and getting together with all of them is like coming home, no matter what state I happen to live in at the time. I guess I’ll always be a girl from the ‘Burgh at heart.

On Saturday morning, all of my lady relatives met up at one of our cousin’s houses and piled into three different cars to make the 45 minute drive to the baby shower. There were only two women in each car, but I won’t go into any further details on that. It’s a female thing I guess! When we arrived, we were greeted by the mother-to-be and she was glowing and looked absolutely stunning. She is one of those “cute pregnant chicks” who is all belly and hasn’t gained an ounce of weight anywhere else. Normally this would really tick me off, but this mama is one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met, so I am making an exception to the rule and saying that she 100% deserves to be the “cute pregnant chick.” She doesn’t know how lucky she is that she looks so good. Everyone at her shower was commenting on how beautiful and tiny she was. When I was eight months pregnant, all I heard was plenty of people asking me, “What are you eating??” I would usually just shrug my shoulders a little and try and change the subject, but truthfully, I wanted to respond to that question by saying, “What am I eating? Everything in freakin’ sight you moron! In case you hadn’t noticed, I am PREGNANT and this is the one time in my life when I’m supposed to be able to chow down without any guilt, so please shut up and step aside so I can grab another Krispy Kreme donut!” (I’m not bitter or anything…I swear).

The shower was beautiful, and after a delicious sit down luncheon of plenty of rolls, salad, chicken stuffed with three different kinds of cheese, mashed potatoes, and a lovely slice of chocolate cake, a chair was brought to the front of the room so the mother-to-be could open all of her gifts. As I sat at my table and watched her admire all of the wonderful things she was receiving, I started to fidget in my chair a little. For the most part, I was fidgeting because the waist of my pants was starting to cut off my circulation after a Thanksgiving dinner complete with all the fixins, half a cookie sheet of nachos covered in chili and sharp cheddar cheese, rolls soaked in garlic butter, fried zucchini, chicken parm, and angel hair covered in more cheese from the delicious Italian dinner my granddad had treated me and Mom to the night before, half a bottle of wine (one of those BIG bottles) at his condo before dinner, two glasses of wine at the restaurant, and now everything that was just served to us at this baby shower. Are you getting the full effect? I hope so.

The other main reason that I started to fidget in my chair is because being at this baby shower brought back so many memories of my own baby shower four years earlier. I vividly remembered just how special I felt on that day…and pretty much every single day throughout my pregnancy. Being pregnant is a little like being a celebrity. For one thing, everyone loves you. I mean, EVERYONE! Everywhere I went, people who didn’t even know me would open doors for me, offer to carry things for me in stores, heck, I even think that someone gave up their table at a restaurant one time for me and my husband because they must have known that I needed to get fed a lot quicker than they did. I was a total A-lister! I was the star of the show and everyone did whatever they could to cater to my each and every need. I didn’t need a red carpet or papparazzi to know that all eyes were indeed on ME!

As I thought about this concept and kept watching the mother-to-be opening more gifts, I realized that a woman’s baby shower is pretty much her last hoo-rah. It is the very last time that she is the main attraction. As soon as that baby comes, she goes from A-lister to S-lister. I’m sure you are all wondering why I say “S-lister” instead of “B-lister” or even “C-lister”. The descriptions below should help clear a few things up.

1. The “A” in A-lister stands for so many different things. A few phrases that come to mind to describe the A-lister are, “Awww! She’s Absolutely Adorable!” “Awww! She will be the most Affectionate and Awesome mom!” “Awww! She must be ready to burst with Anticipation of that little Angel’s arrival!”

2. The “S” in S-lister can be summed up in these statements: “Screw you lady! Step aside Sister! There is a baby involved now and you’ve officially taken the backseat. See ya!

I’m sure this isn’t news that any of the preggo chicks out there want to hear. Sorry girls, but this is the God’s honest truth. Enjoy the spotlight now, because this is your last curtain call before your bundle arrives.

In thinking a little harder about the whole transition from A-lister to S-lister, I realized that part of the reason this shift is such a shocker to new moms is because of the false picture painted by the gifts they receive from baby shower guests. Now don’t get me wrong here…I mean, nobody wants to burst any pregnant chick’s bubble or anything like that, but some of the gifts that are given nowadays just really aren’t practical and I believe they provide the new mommy with an unrealistic expectation about how rosy and perfect things should be after that baby comes.

Let’s start with a gift that I’m sure all of us received at our own showers, the baby wipes warmer. I will be the first one to admit that I was overjoyed by that gift and at the thought of not having to shock my little one with a cold baby wipe on his little tush when I went to change him in the dead of winter. It was only after my poor baby boy had a bout of diarrhea at 3am that was seeping out of every opening of his little onesie that I realized that the last thing I wanted to do while cleaning him up was to add HEAT into the mix. I mean, why on earth would anyone want to add heat and amplify a stench like that? I unplugged the wipes warmer that night and never used it again. And you know what? My little one never batted an eyelash when I used room temperature wipes.

The next gift that is pretty much inevitable at every baby shower is the hand-knitted stark WHITE cardigan sweater. I mean, sure, it is absolutely darling and so thoughtful and I’d probably make one too if I knew how to knit or even sew for that matter, but C’MON!! Just as an adult wearing a white shirt is a magnet for spaghetti sauce, a handmade white sweater on a baby is practically begging to be thrown up on. All I can say for the sweater is to either stick the baby in it real quick for one photo to send to the gift giver, or from now on tell all the knitters out there to make the sweater in more of a baby formula cream color to at least make the puke stains less noticeable.

The final gifts of impracticality that I’d like to discuss are rattles or any sort of noisemakers for that matter. Sure, they are cute, and it is cute to shake them in front of the baby a little in the hopes of catching a glimpse of what is indeed, a smile, and not some bout of gas. What isn’t cute is when that baby is screaming his head off while you have some sort of visitor over there who thinks that she knows all the tricks for calming down a screaming baby and one of those seems to be shaking a rattle in the poor little bundle’s face. Yeah, just what the new mom AND the kid need. MORE noise.

Since I’ve taken it upon myself to discuss all of the gifts that I think are completely impractical, I decided that it was only fitting for me to come up with some sort of gift that I believe a new mom will just get way more use out of. Thus, the “S-lister Survival Kit” was born. I am pledging right now that for any baby shower I attend in the future, I will be slipping Miss Preggo a gift under the table while no one is looking. I will tell her to take that gift home, and not to open it until about two weeks after she brings the new addition home from the hospital. I really think I may be on to something here.

Contents of the S-lister Survival Kit:

- A nice supply of assorted “nips” (airplane sized bottles of booze…perfect to drown out the agony a little)

- Bottle of eye makeup remover (to clean up unintentional streaks from the incessant bouts of crying)

- A few Tide pens (no explanation needed)

- Brown paper bag (in case of hyperventalation)

- Copy of book “Babyproofing Your Marriage” (give me one new mommy who hasn’t had one negative thought about her husband in the few weeks after bringing the baby home and I’ll provide her with her very own medal of honor. She’s lying by the way…)

- A pack of cloth diapers to be used as burp pads (They’re the BEST and there is just no need for the cute little burp pads with teddy bears on them. Those don’t soak up a thing!)

- A bottle of Baby Powder (not for the baby…but to put in her hair to soak up the grease on days when she can’t shower…so, for most days of the week)

- A bag of Hershey Kisses (just so she knows that someone loves her and is thinking about her and has gone through the same challenges as her and she’s not alone…and also just because sometimes a piece of chocolate just makes everything better)

- A tube of Preparation H or Tucks Pads (because if she knows me at all then she knows I’m not shy about post-baby hemorrhoids)

- A little card with the web address to this blog (in the hopes that I can help her feel more normal by providing a few laughs on sleepless nights)

- A Tiara (for days when she just needs to feel like a princess again…why not? She deserves it!)

I guess the cat’s out of the bag on what any of my future mom-to-be friends can expect to receive from me at their baby showers. Hope I still make the guest list!

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: There is something that all the S-listers have to look forward to. Trust me when I say that you will feel like an A-lister again when your baby grows up a little, looks at you adoringly and says, “I think you’re the best Mommy in the whole world! Thanks for making popcorn!” I know I felt like a celebrity when my son said that to me last night during our “Grinch Who Stole Christmas” pajama party. It made all of my S-lister moments more than worth it!