Excuse Me? You Want me to do WHAT?
posted on Jan. 18, 2010
Well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, but I definitely didn’t expect the little present that my son gave me last Friday night. The hubster and I were happily enjoying two delicious cuts of filet mignon and some grilled asparagus, when we heard a little voice perk up from the living room. “Mommy! Daddy! Look what I found!” I glanced over to the other side of the couch where the little man was standing, and he was holding what appeared to be a dried up ball of playdoh in his hands. I was a bit suspicious as to why he found this playdoh so interesting, so I went over to investigate. I picked it up (with a napkin, of course, because after almost 4 years of parenting a boy I’m not a complete and total idiot) and gave it a good sniff check to confirm its origin. My suspicions were correct. It wasn’t a piece of playdoh. It was indeed, a turd.
I immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter when I looked at my son to inquire where this particular turd had come from, and he looked at me and said, “From my bum!” (DUH! Stupid Mommy)! It was a pretty tiny little turd and it seemed like an isolated incident, so I threw the poop contaminated napkin away, washed my hands, and went right back to eating my steak. Not two minutes later, the little man started to walk into the kitchen and another tiny little turd fell out of the pant leg of his jeans. At this point, I decided that I probably needed to check things out a little more to make sure that there were no more turds lurking around in his britches. I stripped him down and everything seemed clean and clear and turd free, so again, I went back to eating my steak.
I’m still kind of puzzled as to what in the hell is going on with my little man’s butt these days, because for some reason, it seems to be the topic of conversation at the dinner table every night. I’m pretty sure that the poop incident was due to the fact that he was in the middle of looking at a book and just didn’t feel like going to the bathroom, so he tried to hold those turds in with all his might and a couple just happened to escape. He hasn’t pooped himself in ages, so I’m hoping that this isn’t some new trend that is starting. The butt scratching, (actually, digging to be exact) however, is another story.
Earlier last Friday afternoon, I wound up bringing my son to the doctor to get him checked out because he’d developed a bit of a nasty cough mid-week. I wanted to have it looked at before we headed into the weekend. Turns out, it was all in his throat and nothing that a little Tylenol Cold and Cough wouldn’t help, so that was a relief. After the doctor was done examining him, he looked at me and asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about before I left. I thought about it and decided that since the butt-digging had been going on for a good couple of weeks, it was probably time to see what the doc had to say about it. Needless to say, this is a conversation that I never imagined having with my son’s pediatrician. Our doctor/patient relationship went to a whole new level following that discussion. It went something like this:
Me: “Um, well, yeah…there is one more thing that I wanted to ask you about. Lately the little guy seems to have one hand constantly down his pants and is sort of digging around in his little tush area.”
Doc: “Well, he is a fidgety kid and he may just be looking for something to do and somehow he got into the habit of sticking his hand down there. Let me ask you, do you notice this happening at night or during the day?”
Me: “It’s pretty much during the day, but like ALL day.”
Doc: “Well, there is this little thing called pinworm that kids can contract. Is he in day care?”
Me: “No, but he does go to preschool two days a week.”
Doc: “Yeah, it can be contracted at preschools too. He may have it, but it is very hard to prove and usually parents complain about the constant scratching happening at night. It usually keeps the child up and he can’t get to sleep. Have you noticed that at all?”
Me: “Nope, he’s been sleeping just fine.”
Doc: “Well, I really don’t think he has it, but if you are concerned about it, here is what you need to do. What you can do is go into his room about two to three hours after he falls asleep. Then pull down his pants, and get a flashlight and a magnifying glass and look right in the hole. If he has pinworm, you aren’t going to see worms. What you will see are these teeny tiny little dots sort of moving around. They like to come out at night. If you notice this, then give me a call on Monday and I’ll call in a pill to the pharmacy for you. It’s just one pill and it gets rid of it very quickly. You can also ask around at preschool to see if any other kids have been scratching around down there (yeah right…that would go over SO well with the other preschool moms who love me so much).”
Ok, I don’t even remember the rest of the conversation and I’m pretty sure that I didn’t even hear much of anything that the doctor said after he told me to spread my poor little boys ass cheeks open, WHILE he was fast asleep no doubt, and to look inside his butt hole with a magnifying glass. (Um, excuse me? WTF)?
On the car ride home, I kind of laughed a little bit, because I pictured what I like to call “Operation Ass Watch” commencing that evening after my boy was asleep. I pictured the hubby and I tiptoeing into our son’s room, pulling down his pants, the hubster putting on his headlamp flashlight that I’m still not quite sure why he feels he has to own, and me spreading the little guy’s cheeks apart as the hubby got down in there with the magnifying glass. Then I pictured us not being able to control our laughter while doing it. Then I pictured the poor little guy waking up out of a dead sleep to find that Mommy was spreading his ass cheeks apart and that Daddy was wearing a headlamp and looking at his butt hole with a magnifying glass. Then I pictured him being completely traumatized and scarred for life and winding up in therapy for a good twenty years or so. Then I decided that there was just no way in HELL that we were going to subject our son to such humiliating treatment.
I decided that the best thing to do was to just keep an eye on the little guy for the weekend and watch and document any butt scratching that went on, so “Operation Ass Watch” continued. I figured that if the tush digging was still going on through Monday, that I’d go ahead and call the doctor and have him call in the pill. Better safe than sorry, right? And it sure beats the alternative. Come to think of it, I don’t even think that we own a magnifying glass.
That brings us to 7:00am this morning. I’m pleased to report that “Operation Ass Watch” was successful and the hubster and I seem to have debunked the problem, and no, it’s not pinworm. Our son’s skin gets extremely dry in these cold New England winter months, so a few weeks ago, we started bathing him every other night instead of every single night in an effort to try and help heal his poor little alligator skin covered body. It worked. Unfortunately, we’re also pretty sure that it resulted in an incessant bout of ass scratching on our little guy’s part due to (there’s really no polite way of saying this) the ever-dreaded sweaty butt-crack. The hubster and I are pretty good when we put our heads together, and after back to back nights of baths, the little man has pretty much left his butt alone. Let’s hope the streak continues.
The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “Well, we’re headed back to the doctor today because that “oh, don’t worry, it’s nothing” little cough he had has turned into a full-on hack-fest complete with a 102 temperature. Poor little guy. At least I won’t have to discuss his rear end with the doc today though!”
Coming by through SITS!
What a great story. Well told and yes, I did need that laugh this AM.
I know exactly where you are coming from. I have 3 boys and nothing is sacred. Thanks for a great story this morning. I hope that your little one gets well soon! Stopping by from SITS!
Hi there cute blog
I'm now a follower. Keep telling it like it is
Oh yeah and Happy Monday SITS Sista'
You could try sprinkling a little baby powder around his bum. That should get rid of some of the sweatiness that's causing him to itch.
One of my co-workers has a similar story about being at a Chinese buffet with a young couple whose three-year-old was incessantly digging in his butt and then getting food from the buffet. YIKES! Fortunately, my friend had finished his meal when the couple and kid came in.
OMG…you should give a disclaimer at the beginning not to drink your coffee while reading this because I seriously spit it out when I read the part about the magnifying glass. OMG that was hilarious.
Hubby and I always saw that we had no idea how much poop and the conversation of poop would overtake our lives as parents.
Hope your little guy feels better! http://www.thismamaworksit.com
If I've learned anything about life with kids, it's that anything is open for discussion at the dinner table!
I'm glad you got the one problem figured out. I hope he feels better soon!
LOL! This is so freaking hilarious! I did imagine you & hubby with the headlamp before reading your part… hahahaha…
I was crying, I was laughing so hard at this!
My 3 year old does this all the time, too, but it doesn't affect his sleep- so I think I'll forgo the asswatch. LMAO!!!
What a story that would be if you did ask the preschool moms.
I honestly couldn't stop laughing at the thought of trying to look up your son's bum while he's asleep. I can guarantee that my kid wouldn't sleep through that. I can just imagine his reaction.
Isn't it amazing. They never tell you this stuff when they hand you that adorable little bundle of joy in the hospital.
I hate having those conversations with the doctor. I also hate dealing with "butt digging"
So funny
Glad his little bum is doing good…its kind of scary to think of all the things kids can contract at daycare/preschool. We are soon to the preschool stage! Good thing it wasnt pinworm!
OMG I'm laughing out loud at your story. I mean it's not funny ha ha but, the image of you two sneaking in there to look at his butt hole has me giggling pretty hard. Oh my.
Glad to hear it may just be sweaty butt crack. NOT glad to hear about the fever. I hope he's ok!
I just could not stop laughing when I was reading this story! That visual of the two of you doing the midnight butthole trolling was just too hysterical!
HA! The things we do as mothers! And we tend to be so casual about it all now. Could you imagine yourself so in control pre-kids?
I love the late nite butt inspection part–ohmyword, I was laughing so loud my mother in law just looked at me like I was crazy, haha!
I'm so sorry he's sick
I'm hoping he will feel MUCH better very, very soon!
xoxo
Now that was funny! Thanks for the laugh. I was just sitting with my almost 7 year old the other day while she tried to poop before school, because God Forbid she have to poop IN school And I was thinking, "At what age exactly do they figure out there own poop?" I am like a poop moniter/ butt wiper and my kids are 4 and 7.
OMG! My eyes are watering, I'm laughing so hard at this story. Your Pedia sounds like mine!! Crazy!
I don't know if the rule for kids is different from the rule for critters (which is all I've got so far), but my rule is if it can roll, and doesn't stick to anything, it isn't incontinence.
One thing that I can imagine is if he had held it too long and then bent sharply at the waist, bombs away! He probably wouldn't even feel it.
First of all: "Operation Ass Watch" Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!
Only a mom can go straight from picking turds back to a steak without so much as the blink of an eye.
Loved it!
Mar,
I am laughing my ass off. Seriously, my spit is on the computer screen! That was the funniest, tell it like it is, story I've heard in a long time. Still laughing my a. off as I write this comment. Feel a little priveleged to have witnessed his bum picking in my house. I feel much more informed, and comforted to know, if/ when this happens in our family. The image of you and T. going in to investigate has me crying. LOL
Aw, poor fellow. I hope he feels better soon. It's a miracle that our bodies survive in this world if you think about all the stuff we could pick up.
Lol, that is so funny!Hope he feels better soon.
OMG pin worms…. I did not realize they were still around. Poor little guy, glad that was not the problem and I hope he is feeling better soon.
I am totally laughing. My son was and is obsessed with all areas down there…better now that he is older.Operation Ass Watch…hilarious. My son would have been traumatized if he discovered me looking at his butt in the middle of the night.
OMG! Operation Ass Watch. This is classic. Classic!! I died laughing while reading this and then laughed some more. You seriously had me going. And the magnifying glass and headlamp and 20 years of therapy…I am so with you!! There is no way I could have looked that doctor straight in the face after being instructed to do that. You are fantastic!! I totally heart you. And your son is very lucky too.
Just stopping by for a blog visit…omg! I was laughing so hard i am commenting through tears streaming down my cheeks…please know, I am laughing with you, not at you…you see, I am now a grandmother, so I have raised my kids (one girl, one boy) so I have been there done that..and yes, I laughed when I was experiencing it too.
Thanks for a great laugh, I needed that LOL.
I love the comment about the coffee disclaimer – because I had the same reaction -I work nights as a Labor & Delivery nurse, and everyone had to gather around to read what the heck was so funny at 3:00 in the morning
Kristin
That is funny but I KNEW what that doctor was going to tell you! MY mother in law told me the SAME THING once when my son was a baby and I thought she had lost her mind. Like I was gonna go looking up his butt at night with a flashlight! I never did it, he didn't have the worms, but I found out later tht she was right! SHEEWIE!
That is the funniest thing I ever heard! I would love to see the look on my husband's face if I told him i had to check my doughter's butt with a flashlight in the middle of the night. Stop by my blog I have something for you!
This once went through my daughter's preschool too. When I ever got that note home with those instructions about going into their room with a flashlight I was in utter shock! I though, they can't be serious!
Following your blog, enjoying reading!
I can't hardly type I am laughing so hard…Operation Ass Watch!
That was priceless!
This was hilarious! Can you imagine the problems a child might have waking up to his parent dressed up for ass watching while checking his out? OMW!
I'm from Shell's place dropping by to say hello!
stopping by from Shell's and am laughing so hard. You don't have to do that for pinworms cause if he had themyou would know they come outin their poop as well lol. LIving the in country kids get them all the time due to all the animals around here. IT's a given and every summer we deworm the kids and animals. Believe it or not it used to be done by all parents.. they aren othign major just really annoying.. But so glad you found out that wasn't the issue. Too funny .
Stopping by from Shell's blog. This had me rolling with laughter. I have two boys and both have gone through scratching phases. Oh what we mom's go through!
LOL!!!!!
Great story!
oh my gosh! Lmao
The things we have to do as parents huh?
ok, now I get onto my kids abut saying “butt” too much, I might just have to stop that nowafter laughing SO hard at this post!!
Just to let you know, I hardly ever comment on someone else’s blog. Especially if I don’t know them. But I have to tell you that was the funniest blog post I have ever read. I assure you my eyes were watering I was laughing so hard. Thank you for sharing this story. I have a feeling I’ll be forwarding in on to others.
I can just picture the two of you tiptoeing into his room at night with a head lamp and flashlight going on a butt worm expedition. I had to wipe coffee from my computer screen. Too funny. I won’t mention the head lamp thing to my husband…I’m afraid he might want one!
OMG, only a mom could tell such a tale with such candor. Love it and love your site
Oh my goodness – laughing so hard I started crying. Only because I can imagine the whole scenario with my son. I needed that today!
As a healthcare provider, I have given these instructions to moms who are desperate to understand why their children are so infatuated with their butts. Your blog was so hilarious I had to share it with my colleagues. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to give “that” talk again without laughing!!
That was sooo funny! I’m glad everything turned out alright. I can see what kind of things I have to look forward to with my 9 month old!