My Vision for 2020
posted on Mar. 12, 2010
On a particularly cold and windy day last week, I resorted to taking my son down to the basement to play on the new John Deere ride-on tractor we bought him for his birthday. As he did countless laps around the mile-high mounds of clutter, I found that I just couldn’t seem to resist the urge to start going through boxes of my old stuff. When I say old stuff, I mean the stuff that I packed up and brought with me when I married my husband and moved to Denver to be with him. And the bulk of that “stuff” consists mainly of old photos from college and even a few from high school. I won’t elaborate on those old college photos, but I will say that it’s a good thing that I never plan on running for office. Somehow I don’t think that frat party shenanigans and politics mix very well.
Amid the piles of snapshots, I found one single letter-sized envelope. When I saw the return address, I immediately recognized it as a letter that I wrote to myself during the last months of my senior year of high school. It was actually an assignment that one of our teachers gave us, and we were supposed to write a letter to ourselves detailing where we thought we’d be 10 years from our high school graduation. After skimming through the first couple of sentences, I just knew that the letter fit perfectly with a post that I’d been tagged in by Ambitious Gurl.
In this post, we are supposed to write a little paragraph about where we think we’ll be 10 years from now, in the year 2020. All I can say is that I hope that I have my head screwed on a little bit better than I did back in 1995. Before I touch on where I hope to be 10 years from now, I’d like to go over that letter that I wrote in high school. Things didn’t quite pan out the way my uber-inflated head expected.
Here’s a little excerpt: (I’m warning you, I was one cocky little bitch back then, though I totally didn’t think so at the time).
“I want to be happy later in life, and I do want the finer things in life. Eventually, I hope to marry a man with great ambition, and a boat would be nice too. I’d love to marry someone who had something to do with sports, maybe a coach. However, he’ll have to pass my tests.
1. Table manners
2. Does he know the 4 parts of a boat?
3. I WANT SOME CLASS!!
As I’m reading this 10 years later, I hope to be ready to go on vacation to the islands on a yacht, where I’ll stay at one of my beach houses. If I’m not as well-off as I’d like to be, hey, a Bojangle’s biscuit would be nice right about now.”
Ok, I don’t exactly know who in the hell that arrogant little chickadee was, but I’d like to go back in time and hit her over the head with a frying pan, because things definitely did NOT pan out quite the way she’d hoped. (Although the hubster does indeed know the 4 parts of a boat because he used to be in the Coast Guard. Total coincidence how that one came true).
Now, I know that we are past the 10 year mark and that I’ve actually been out of high school for almost 15 years, but according to my 18 year old self, you would think that if I had my own home on a private island after 10 years, then I’d probably own the whole damn island after 15. Yeah…not so much!
Instead of setting sail on a yacht for the island of my wildest dreams, I was doing something a little different the other night. I was sitting on my couch with my foot propped up on my knee and was filling my husband in on the wonderful experience I had at Bloggy Boot Camp in addition to trying to put together a “sea vehicle”, as my son referred to it, out of Legos. I was also sipping a glass of wine and trying to relax a bit.
Now, you all know that my son has some serious butt issues. Well, apparently they haven’t completely gone away and he has devised new methods of coping, because he’s sick and tired of me yelling at him to stop digging in his bum.
I raised my wine glass for a little Pinot Grigio action, and somewhere mid-sip, my son sort of backed up close to me, wedged my big toe into his butt crack, and proceeded to wiggle like it was his job.
That’s right! Instead of getting a pedicure on some luxury yacht, my toe was now being held hostage in my son’s ass crack.
That girl from high school needs a total reality check. I mean, there is just nothing less glamorous than a big stinky ass toe. I went from imagining myself as some sort of yacht traveling princess to a personal butt scratcher to my 4-year old. And I don’t live in the South anymore, so I can’t even have that Bojangle’s biscuit that I was willing to settle for as a consolation prize. Yep, I was WAY off the mark on how glamorous my life would be at 32.
And this brings me to a new little phrase that I’m going to start using periodically in my posts to reiterate the fact that when you become a mother, YOU CHECK YOUR GLAMOUR AT THE DOOR. Forget having a reality check. In this case, I need a GLAM CHECK! I decided that it just wouldn’t be fair to keep the GLAM CHECK! to myself, so you can now find the cute little button that Lauren at Restored316Designs made me over on my left sidebar. Feel free to grab it and use it where you see fit!
The GLAM CHECK! is also going to become a permanent feature in a new series that I’m working on. It should debut in the next couple of weeks, so keep checking back!
I guess this brings me back to figuring out where I’d like to be in 10 years. I’m determined to avoid having another GLAM CHECK! in 2020, so here’s my more realistic version:
“Ten years from now, my son will be 14 years old (yikes)! And I sincerely hope that by then his ass issue has corrected itself. If it hasn’t, then I’m just praying that he will keep his butt-digging activities confined to the privacy of his own bedroom. I’ll even let him lock the door. And for the record son, I don’t care what other kind of games you play with your developing body in that room. You are a boy, and yes, all boys “do that.” Just please do me a favor and hide the smut magazines somewhere where the cleaning lady can’t find them. I really don’t want to lose her.”
“And as for myself, I’m just really kind of hoping that 10 years from now someone has invented a cellulite cream that actually works, or that a magic pill has been invented. Or that cellulite actually becomes all the rage and that it is totally hip and trendy to bare your cottage cheese on the beach. The more, the better. And it would be really nice if my husband and I are getting ready to set sail on a Caribbean cruise on some semi-fancy ship. I don’t need a private yacht. But it would be nice if we could have a cabin with a balcony. And it would be even nicer if one of my dear friends will let my 14-year old ass-diggin’ son stay with them for a week so that the hubster and I can get some alone time. Or if that won’t work, can we please take your kid with us so that my son has someone to hang out with besides his totally embarrassing parents? And I’m definitely over the whole Bojangle’s craze because I was over it back in 2010, but how about hookin’ me up with a fat order of McDonald’s fries? (And don’t forget about that cellulite pill. And if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like a bottle of Pinot Grigio to wash it down).
I seriously just busted a gut cracking up over the whole “ass toe” mental picture.
My husband thought I was having a heart attack or something because I was laughing so hard I was wheezing.
You rock, Mary!
Love the Glam Check!
I’m totally hungry for a bojangles biscuit right now…
And I hope that pill has been invented by then. Or by summer would be nice!
I love it! I found a similar letter about what kind of man I wanted to marry! Ha ha ha… How our ideas change and luckily we grow up!!
This was fun and I can’t wait to do a post just like it!
LMAO!! Okay, what the hell is bojangle’s biscuit??? I’m not a southern person at all.
I love your first letter. That is hilarious.
ROFLMAO @ “big stinky ass toe”
And here I thought I was the only person who had that problem with their son. We’re constantly having to tell him to get his hand out of his butt. LOL
Love the new button! I wish I had written a letter to myself back in high school. It’d be nice to look back & get a good laugh at what a pain in the ass I probably was
Cellulite — or what I affectionately refer to it “hail damage” — is the DEVIL! What a great post. Isn’t it funny to look back and see how silly we were?
It’s funny how life works out. I am so glad I am not the same girl I was back then. I have to say, your letter cracked me up.
Oh. My. God. I laughed out loud A LOT while reading this! My husband kept looking at me like I was crazy. The bit about your son jamming your big toe up his crack? PRICELESS!!!!! Oh, girl! You really are one frekin funny lady! Gosh, I love ya!
Seriously so funny about the letter from high school. I used to keep so many diaries from middle school on and some of the stuff mortifies me! And do you think the butt thing is a 4 year old boy thing? I swear mine has the same issue!
Holy crap. I am jealous you had to write a 10 year letter–and that you still HAD it!
Mine would have been eerily similar I’m afraid…”Rich husband, huge house, etc…”.
Honestly? I need a wake up call back then, too…no–I needed a Glam Check!
Love this post…and love the 10 year letter to yourself…cellulite cream–yes please!
xo
That’s why grown ups (well most of us anyway) don’t like teenagers. And yes I’ll take the cellulite pill/cream as long as the side effects don’t include excessive butt hair growth or something equally humiliating as cottage cheese, lol!
I laughed out loud at the thought of your son wedging your toe in his ass! That is one problem we didn’t have here. But the obsession with the penis… I now know that apparently starts at an early age, and NEVER ends!
You were a little madam were you not! I want to hear more about the boat….
Love it. Imagine if you’d actually married this rich, boat-owning man? He might not have given you the butt-scratching obsessed 4 year old who, let’s face it, is the center of my entertainment lately. I’m thankful you married for love.
Fabulous article! And love your blog.
Thanks for following, I am following you too now!
Lisa from Double Shot of Espresso
I cringe any time I read anything written by my high school senior self. It’s amazing how our priorities change as we grow up!
I missed the butt-digger post, but am now trying unsuccessfully to stifle my giggles at work.
Following you back from Friday Follow. Loved this post and can’t wait to check out more or your stuff.
How great that you saved that letter. Oh, a magic cellulite pill sounds fabulous…here’s hoping it’s available before 2020. I’ll raise a glass of Pinot Grigio to you tonight.
Hilarious! I love how life always turns out completely differently than expected. Though I have to say, I wouldn’t be upset if I end up with an island.
Hahaha I cant stop laughing! Thats toooo funny! I wonder what I thought I would be doing 10 years ago?
I totally just spewed my coffee all over my computer when I read the part about your son backing up onto your toe. Was not expecting that this morning!
You are SO right…where is the glamour in motherhood? My husband yelled at me this morning as he was changing the babe’s diaper – she obviously SO wasn’t finished with her duty – to see if I wanted to watch her poop. Um, no, NO I don’t. Thanks, though.
Hi, Happy Follow Friday! I’m your newest follower!
http://dustinnikki.blogspot.com/
Nicole
A hello from your newest follower – got you from TMC.
You’re awesome and I’ll be sticking around!
~Miranda
What a funny comparison of the way we thought life “should” be and that little thing that interferes…reality! I’m glad my little one doesn’t do the butt-toe thing…don’t think I’d be too happy about it.
That is totally hilarious about your son! You are so right about the Glam Check…everything goes out the window! Can’t wait to read more.
The mental picture of the ass toe scenario that’s going on in my head is priceless. Thanks for making me laugh today!
I found my diary from my teen years a while back and it read very similar to that. Hubby and I had a good laugh over it. And I am totally cracking up at your son’s ass holding your toe hostage!
Hi there!!
We found you through the FF and are now following your blog. Come on over and visit us when you get a free moment. Have a fantastic weekend! ((hugs)) <3
You somehow always manage to make me LAUGH – and love the Glam Check!
And I saw one of your comments found you from TMC – YAY! It’s working!!!
I know this has nothing to do with this post but I wanted to respond to your comment on Tiffanys blog
I was not at the boot camp and read the NYT article and the comment about sippy cups. I saw nothing wrong with it and you should not feel the need to apologize you were just having fun and playing up the fact you are mommies… the best job on earth.
Would love to attend a boot camp and even though my kids are waaay past sippy cups I will bring one for my mimosa.
I am also your newest follower and have snagged your badge..come by and visit.
ROFLMAO! You’re killing me! I love the whole Glam Check thing. As a working (outside the home vs. at home)single mom of four, I can appreciate this post. And a big thank you for not perpetuating (at least in this post) the idea that we should aspire to being some sort of “hottie” mom. I mean, I’m not exactly a frumpy mom, but I do get tired of the pressure!
I’m going to add you to my blogroll so I can get back here often.
It took me forever to get through this post cause I kept laughing so hard I couldn’t read! Oh my gosh…your ass digging son! Your pedicure, it is all too much! Makes me feel not so bad when my “I love to be naked” 2 yo daughter runs up to me and wants to sit on my lap – I always take a sniff first cause she doesn’t tell me anymore when she has went to the bathroom last and….well…..I don’t want that on my lap.
Luckily I catch her in the bathrom 9 times out of 10 and help her out. It is that 1 time that kills me.
Oh and guess what? Did you see you were quoted in the NY times article? Google “New York Times Bloggy Boot Camp” and you should find it. I can tweet you the link too.
Luv ya Mary!!
Ok Commenting again as I saw that you know about the NY times article. I loved your quote! You really do help me laugh at my “inabilities” and I really appreciate your sense of humor.
Also, I saw that you were one of the sippy cup mafia members, and that makes me laugh. If we can’t take our mothering lightly we will go crazy! Thank you for helping me to have fun with sippy cups, poopy butts, snotty noses and crumby tables. That is why I am constantly coming back for more.
And I’m totally grabbing the “Glam Check” button!
Found you via the Lady Bloggers Tea Party –
Loved this post!! Your son’s idea of a nice pedicure for you had me laughing out loud. You are right on with the Glam Check, mothering is definitely not the most glamorous endeavor! Great Blog!
Okay, i thought my son had issues. They are a walk in the part compared to what you are dealing with. And for both our sakes I hope in ten years both our son’s have outgrown these things.
Yeah, in ten years I think you’ll still want your McD fries and white wine. Yup, that’s a pretty safe bet.
Love it!!!!!!!
You rock!