Ok, after my ranting and raving about Gisele Bundchen yesterday, I just had to write a quick entry this morning to reiterate just how much I love Kendra Wilkinson.  I seriously think that I may be her #1 biggest fan right now.  I really want to start some kind of campaign to urge other celebrities to follow her example and be more honest about their experiences as far as life with a new baby goes.  And even if they truly do have one of those “picture perfect” stories, they can at least disclose the fact that they know they are not the norm and that there are real women out there going through real struggles.  And they don’t need to put themselves up on a pedestal by putting other women down.  Why can’t they all be more like Kendra?

In case there was any question of just how authentic Miss Kendra really is, take a couple minutes out of your day to click on the link posted below and watch this video excerpt from Kendra’s reality show.

Kendra Wilkinson Reveals Her Stretch Marks

Dressed in sweats, wearing no makeup, and with her hair in a messy ponytail, Miss Kendra actually lifts up her shirt and shows the world what a new mom’s tummy REALLY looks like a few weeks after giving birth.  There is no airbrushing, no enhancing, and no six-pack.  And I am absolutely applauding her for revealing it.

Oh how I wish that this video had been around after I had my son 4 years ago.  I probably would’ve pulled a total Tom Cruise and jumped up and down on my couch in front of the TV.  I probably would’ve shouted a huge WOO-HOO! from the rooftops.  And I probably would’ve spent a lot less time crying and beating myself up about not quite being ready to get back into a bikini.

photo credit

THANK YOU KENDRA!!! I’ve never respected a celebrity (or even just a regular new mom) more.

Ok, it is Wednesday morning, and I’m frantically trying to get this post done because I didn’t have time last night, and my brain is seriously thinking way faster than I can type. Honestly ladies and gentlemen, I’m not even really sure how to begin this one in a civilized manner, so I guess I’ll just go ahead and dive head first into the pool and hope that I’m able to come up for air.  Curious yet?  Ok, I’ll start you off with a name.  GISELE BUNDCHEN (a.k.a. Uber-Supermodel Ego-Centric Bitch From Hell).  I’ve shared my sentiments on the uber-bitch’s take on motherhood before.  Apparently, she is making it her personal mission to make pregnant women and new mothers everywhere feel completely worthless.  Apparently she’s ready to go for Round 2 with me.

BRING IT ON HONEY.

A few people emailed me links to an article this week for an excerpt from Vogue magazine’s April Shape Issue.  And the Uber-Supermodel Ego-Centric Bitch from HELL is gracing the cover. And I know I sound kinda harsh in giving her that title, because she is, in fact a fellow mother, and she is, in fact, one of the most beautiful women in the world. Well, on the outside that is.

Now, I’m obviously no stranger to celebrity bullshit because I blog about it on a regular basis, but this particular interview really has me getting my boxing gloves ready because it totally took the hoopla to a whole new level.  That’s right folks, the Uber-Supermodel Ego-Centric Bitch from HELL has redefined celebrity bullshit.  And it deserves a huge WHAT THE HECK??

In order to “maintain her fab figure” during pregnancy, Miss Gisele “did kung fu up until two weeks before Benjamin was born and did yoga three days a week.”

Please don’t mistake me, because I’m all for trying to be healthy during pregnancy…FOR THE SAFETY AND WELL-BEING OF YOUR CHILD.

Ok, ok, I’ll give her a free pass on the whole yoga thing.  I mean, at least yoga is gentle and good for the body emotionally and physically and really doesn’t pose a potential threat to the baby.  And I’ll go ahead and say more power to her for being able to contort her body into strange positions while carrying another human being.

Prenatal yoga didn’t go as smoothly for me.  I found that once I hit about my 6th month, it was virtually impossible for me to get into most of the positions because of the extra 30 or so pounds I had already gained. (I went on to gain another 20 for a grand total of 50)! And even when I did manage to squeak out a pose or two, it usually resulted in uncontrollable laughter because exercise made me fart like an 80 year old man when I was preggo.  And let’s be honest, preggo farts are even more hysterical than regular farts because you really can’t suck ‘em in. Yeah, yoga was pretty much a lost cause for me.

I’m letting the yoga comment go, but the kung fu?  Maybe I’m an idiot or maybe I really have some misconstrued notion of what kung fu actually is, and I should probably go google it right now to get my facts straight, but I’d rather keep writing this post so I’ll just go with my first understanding. Doesn’t kung fu involve a lot of kicking?  And doesn’t kung fu involve kicking another person?  If I’m way off the mark here, I’m pretty confident that someone will set me straight.  I just seriously hope that Miss Gisele didn’t let anyone kick her during her sessions.  Because that would just make me even more nutso than I already am.  What the heck?

Ok kids, here is where it gets ugly.  Hang on a sec, I need to go put my mouth-guard in for this fight.

Here is Miss Gisele’s take on staying fit during pregnancy:

“I think that a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals.  I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.”

Um, EXCUSE ME?  Some people turn into GARBAGE DISPOSALS?  And the Uber-Bitch only gained 30 pounds because she watched what she ate? WHAT THE HECK?

Whether she realized it or not, let me just go ahead and define what Miss Gisele said a little more clearly.

“Hmm….let me think….what can I say in this article to really STICK IT to every other woman in America and remind them of just how freakin’ hot I am.  Well, since I only gained 30 pounds during my pregnancy, I think I’ll just go ahead and make that the cut-off point for what constitutes being a complete and total preggo-fat ass.  Anyone who gains more than that? Hmm…what shall I call them??  I KNOW!  Garbage disposals!  THAT’S IT! Women who don’t pay attention to each and every single morsel of food that they put in their mouths are just big, fat, disgusting garbage disposals. And I know that I don’t have any cottage cheese on MY ass and NEVER will because I am blessed with an unarguably gorgeous gene pool, but why not make some “not-so-uber-perfect-genes” new mom out there feel even more self-conscious about the fact that she had HER baby a YEAR ago and HER clothes still don’t fit right.  Why not make her feel like she really shouldn’t have eaten that last DING DONG?  Why not make her feel like she is an unhealthy person because she gained more weight than I did while carrying HER child?”

WHAT THE HECK?

Seriously, isn’t there already enough pressure put on women to be thin and perfect when they AREN’T pregnant?  The competition to see who can squeeze into a negative size of jeans the fastest is bad enough without having to bring pregnancy into the contest.  I mean, can’t a pregnant chick eat a sandwich without being scrutinized?  What the heck?

If you’re reading this Gisele, (And yes, I’m totally kidding.  She’s the ego-centric one, not me), then I’m ready to step up to the plate in defense of human garbage disposals everywhere.  Read this and weep.

“My name is Mary and I am proud of the fact that I was a complete and total garbage disposal when I was pregnant with my son.  I gained right around 50 pounds, and I loved every single bite of delicious goodness that it took me to achieve gaining those 50 pounds.  I mean, you really couldn’t shovel the food in my mouth fast enough to satisfy this pregnant gal.  I craved bagels with cream cheese and tomato and I averaged about three or four of them before noon on any given day.

And I loved that for once in my life, I didn’t get any nasty looks from co-workers or other people when I crammed those bagels in my mouth because they all knew that I was preggo and that it was perfectly acceptable for a pregnant chick to be hungry as hell.  And while I did question whether or not I would be able to get my body back after having my son, I really didn’t stress too much about it for those 9 months.  I enjoyed my pregnancy.  I enjoyed watching my belly grow because I knew that there was a life inside of it that my husband and I created. And even though I gained a ton of weight and gave new meaning to the term “bra-line bulge”, giving birth to a healthy baby boy and seeing his little face for the first time was worth every single fat cell that expanded during the time I was pregnant.

And I’ll go ahead and throw it out there that the day after I gave birth, I ordered fried chicken fingers, mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese from the hospital room service menu and didn’t have the urge to poop for 2 days because my body burned through that food so fast as the result of being exhausted from a 24-hour labor.”

My new motto?

“Once a garbage disposal, always a garbage disposal”.

I think I’ll go fix myself a bagel and cream cheese now.  Aw crap.  We’re out of tomatoes.

Got something that made you say What The Heck? this week?  Join the vent session and link up below!

Ok, so any of you who have been following along with my “Tall Tales From La-La Land” series know that there is pretty much nothing on the face of the Earth that makes me more insane than celebrity moms who claim to be back in their size 0 jeans the day they leave the hospital. Or celebrity moms who claim that their perfectly bred offspring “only whimpers a little” and never cries. At all. (Why would a baby cry? Are they supposed to do that or something)?

Or how about those celebrity moms who claim that they are “doing everything themselves” and still “aren’t the least little bit tired.” Um, yeah…the lack of bags under their eyes and the fact that they look like they’ve had a shower in the last 48 hours pretty much gives away the fact that there is absolutely no way in hell that a baby nurse isn’t getting up around the clock with their perfectly quiet infant, not to mention taking care of the whole “shit-up-the-back” issue. God forbid that a bodily function from her own flesh and blood should potentially pose a threat to Mommy’s La Perla lingerie. And yes, mommy IS wearing lingerie because according to her A-list self, she and her equally famous hubster are getting it on like a couple of teenagers in the backseat of a Chevy every night.

Since I’m a big fan of exposing celebrity bullshit in the hopes of saving unknowing new mothers everywhere from unnecessary bouts of hysteria and self-loathing, I feel that it is also my duty to speak up when someone out in La-La land finally gets it RIGHT.  Because somebody finally DID.

I’d like to pause for a second to give a huge round of applause to Kendra Wilkinson.  I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I saw the title of the article, “New Mom Confessions”, but I was more than pleasantly surprised with what she chose to reveal.

photo credit: www.usmagazine.com

Here are a few of the reasons that I’m praising Miss Kendra:

She admits to needing a…

I couldn’t believe it folks!  According to Kendra, she “lost herself” because she devoted every spare minute to her new little baby boy, and she “had to find a way back to finding the time to take a shower!” We finally have a Hollywood mom who basically just admitted that her hair was greasy and that her pits and legs (not to mention her feminine regions) were most likely starting to resemble small jungles in those first few weeks after she brought her son home. Does that scenario sound familiar to any of you?  I know that I remember it all too well.  (And who are we kidding?  My son is 4 years old and I still only manage to shave my legs about once a week.  And yes, I know how hot that sounds).

She admits that she’s struggling with her weight…

Ok, can I please get a big HELL YEAH on this one?  Not only did Miss Kendra admit that she’s had to work really hard to lose her baby weight and that it didn’t just “magically fall off” like it does for most celeb types, she went a step further and gave us a number.  Before she got pregnant, the 5′ 4″ playmate “was a slim size 2 and weighed in at 113 pounds.”  She is now sitting at a cool 140.  Now don’t get all bent out of shape quite yet because I know that some of you are laughing out loud at the fact that she thinks that 140 pounds is a lot of weight.  For the record, it’s not.  Not even close.  But taking into consideration just how cut-throat the whole “Body After Baby” craze is in Hollywood, just think about the guts that it took for this former Playboy Bunny to admit that she’s not quite down to her pre-baby weight yet.  As far as Hollywood standards go, she’s practically setting herself up for people in the Entertainment industry to rip her to shreds and call her a heifer.  I commend her for putting that number out there!

And I also commend her for admitting that she is indeed working with a trainer, but that she also “loves pepperoni pizza and can’t stick to salad.” What??  No fish, brown rice, and veggies?  Applause again please.

She admits that she wasn’t jumping her hubby’s bones right away…

Ok, so this isn’t exactly the first time that I’ve written about Miss Kendra post-baby.  You can click here for her original feature detailing how she absolutely couldn’t wait to jump in the sack with her hubby Hank again. Well, according to the new Us Weekly interview, it would appear that this was a bit of an exaggeration.  Her take on the whole sex right after baby thing has gone from discussing the mirror on her bedroom ceiling, to saying that, “once you have a baby, everything stops working.  Your feelings and your nerves just stop because of giving birth.”

Translation: “I just had an eight pound baby try to come out of my cha-cha and to say that things are a little bit sore down there would be the understatement of the year.  And I know I had a C-section, but I’m still cringing.  It’s not that I don’t love you honey, but my hoo-hoo hurts just at the thought of trying to jam something back in there.  And honestly, do you really want to get with me right now?  I mean, I haven’t slept in days, and I stink like STANK because I haven’t showered, and since I haven’t showered I have been able to work my (ahem) razor magic, and there is definite potential that milk will start squirting out of my boobs during the act if my body mistakes a moan for a baby’s cry.  Do you still think I’m sexy as hell?  I didn’t think so. Let’s give it a few more weeks, okay?”

I am sincerely hoping that Miss Kendra has opened the door for other new mothers in La-La land to be a little less “Hollywood” and a little more mainstream and honest with their accounts on life with a new baby.  All I know is that I wish that this particular issue of Us Weekly had come out in those first few months after I became a new mom instead of the hundred or so other “Let’s make mothers across America feel like big fat blubbering failures” articles that I had the pleasure of reading.

Thank you, Kendra, for admitting that although motherhood is wonderful, it hasn’t been a total bed of roses.  You’ve definitely made my A-list!