Ok, it is Wednesday morning, and I’m frantically trying to get this post done because I didn’t have time last night, and my brain is seriously thinking way faster than I can type. Honestly ladies and gentlemen, I’m not even really sure how to begin this one in a civilized manner, so I guess I’ll just go ahead and dive head first into the pool and hope that I’m able to come up for air. Curious yet? Ok, I’ll start you off with a name. GISELE BUNDCHEN (a.k.a. Uber-Supermodel Ego-Centric Bitch From Hell). I’ve shared my sentiments on the uber-bitch’s take on motherhood before. Apparently, she is making it her personal mission to make pregnant women and new mothers everywhere feel completely worthless. Apparently she’s ready to go for Round 2 with me.
BRING IT ON HONEY.
A few people emailed me links to an article this week for an excerpt from Vogue magazine’s April Shape Issue. And the Uber-Supermodel Ego-Centric Bitch from HELL is gracing the cover. And I know I sound kinda harsh in giving her that title, because she is, in fact a fellow mother, and she is, in fact, one of the most beautiful women in the world. Well, on the outside that is.
Now, I’m obviously no stranger to celebrity bullshit because I blog about it on a regular basis, but this particular interview really has me getting my boxing gloves ready because it totally took the hoopla to a whole new level. That’s right folks, the Uber-Supermodel Ego-Centric Bitch from HELL has redefined celebrity bullshit. And it deserves a huge WHAT THE HECK??
In order to “maintain her fab figure” during pregnancy, Miss Gisele “did kung fu up until two weeks before Benjamin was born and did yoga three days a week.”
Please don’t mistake me, because I’m all for trying to be healthy during pregnancy…FOR THE SAFETY AND WELL-BEING OF YOUR CHILD.
Ok, ok, I’ll give her a free pass on the whole yoga thing. I mean, at least yoga is gentle and good for the body emotionally and physically and really doesn’t pose a potential threat to the baby. And I’ll go ahead and say more power to her for being able to contort her body into strange positions while carrying another human being.
Prenatal yoga didn’t go as smoothly for me. I found that once I hit about my 6th month, it was virtually impossible for me to get into most of the positions because of the extra 30 or so pounds I had already gained. (I went on to gain another 20 for a grand total of 50)! And even when I did manage to squeak out a pose or two, it usually resulted in uncontrollable laughter because exercise made me fart like an 80 year old man when I was preggo. And let’s be honest, preggo farts are even more hysterical than regular farts because you really can’t suck ’em in. Yeah, yoga was pretty much a lost cause for me.
I’m letting the yoga comment go, but the kung fu? Maybe I’m an idiot or maybe I really have some misconstrued notion of what kung fu actually is, and I should probably go google it right now to get my facts straight, but I’d rather keep writing this post so I’ll just go with my first understanding. Doesn’t kung fu involve a lot of kicking? And doesn’t kung fu involve kicking another person? If I’m way off the mark here, I’m pretty confident that someone will set me straight. I just seriously hope that Miss Gisele didn’t let anyone kick her during her sessions. Because that would just make me even more nutso than I already am. What the heck?
Ok kids, here is where it gets ugly. Hang on a sec, I need to go put my mouth-guard in for this fight.
Here is Miss Gisele’s take on staying fit during pregnancy:
“I think that a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.”
Um, EXCUSE ME? Some people turn into GARBAGE DISPOSALS? And the Uber-Bitch only gained 30 pounds because she watched what she ate? WHAT THE HECK?
Whether she realized it or not, let me just go ahead and define what Miss Gisele said a little more clearly.
“Hmm….let me think….what can I say in this article to really STICK IT to every other woman in America and remind them of just how freakin’ hot I am. Well, since I only gained 30 pounds during my pregnancy, I think I’ll just go ahead and make that the cut-off point for what constitutes being a complete and total preggo-fat ass. Anyone who gains more than that? Hmm…what shall I call them?? I KNOW! Garbage disposals! THAT’S IT! Women who don’t pay attention to each and every single morsel of food that they put in their mouths are just big, fat, disgusting garbage disposals. And I know that I don’t have any cottage cheese on MY ass and NEVER will because I am blessed with an unarguably gorgeous gene pool, but why not make some “not-so-uber-perfect-genes” new mom out there feel even more self-conscious about the fact that she had HER baby a YEAR ago and HER clothes still don’t fit right. Why not make her feel like she really shouldn’t have eaten that last DING DONG? Why not make her feel like she is an unhealthy person because she gained more weight than I did while carrying HER child?”
WHAT THE HECK?
Seriously, isn’t there already enough pressure put on women to be thin and perfect when they AREN’T pregnant? The competition to see who can squeeze into a negative size of jeans the fastest is bad enough without having to bring pregnancy into the contest. I mean, can’t a pregnant chick eat a sandwich without being scrutinized? What the heck?
If you’re reading this Gisele, (And yes, I’m totally kidding. She’s the ego-centric one, not me), then I’m ready to step up to the plate in defense of human garbage disposals everywhere. Read this and weep.
“My name is Mary and I am proud of the fact that I was a complete and total garbage disposal when I was pregnant with my son. I gained right around 50 pounds, and I loved every single bite of delicious goodness that it took me to achieve gaining those 50 pounds. I mean, you really couldn’t shovel the food in my mouth fast enough to satisfy this pregnant gal. I craved bagels with cream cheese and tomato and I averaged about three or four of them before noon on any given day.
And I loved that for once in my life, I didn’t get any nasty looks from co-workers or other people when I crammed those bagels in my mouth because they all knew that I was preggo and that it was perfectly acceptable for a pregnant chick to be hungry as hell. And while I did question whether or not I would be able to get my body back after having my son, I really didn’t stress too much about it for those 9 months. I enjoyed my pregnancy. I enjoyed watching my belly grow because I knew that there was a life inside of it that my husband and I created. And even though I gained a ton of weight and gave new meaning to the term “bra-line bulge”, giving birth to a healthy baby boy and seeing his little face for the first time was worth every single fat cell that expanded during the time I was pregnant.
And I’ll go ahead and throw it out there that the day after I gave birth, I ordered fried chicken fingers, mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese from the hospital room service menu and didn’t have the urge to poop for 2 days because my body burned through that food so fast as the result of being exhausted from a 24-hour labor.”
My new motto?
“Once a garbage disposal, always a garbage disposal”.
I think I’ll go fix myself a bagel and cream cheese now. Aw crap. We’re out of tomatoes.
Got something that made you say What The Heck? this week? Join the vent session and link up below!