“Oh yeah, the mustard seed looking poops are just way less gross than those black ones that come out for the first few days after bringing the baby home.”
Those exact words (roughly) came out of my mouth the other night at a dinner party hosted by my husband’s boss and his wife just as I was about to sink my teeth into a nice fat juicy piece of pesto shrimp. And I bit down on that jumbo shrimp like it was my job and it was absolutely delicious and I didn’t even flinch at the fact that I was chomping down on that shrimp while enjoying a delightful conversation about baby poop. And I didn’t even consider once that the pesto on the shrimp sorta resembled mustard seeds. Because once you have a baby, your whole world completely revolves around poop and it is just totally irresistible to talk about the poop with other parents at every chance you get because you know that other parents are the only people who you CAN talk about the poop with and not run the risk of someone losing their lunch. Or in this case, their shrimp.
You see, the couple hosting the party just had a baby like three weeks ago. And I love how they just went ahead and jumped feet first into the whole poop euphoria thing without a second thought. Because the first step to accepting the fact that your world is now being completely controlled by a pint-sized poop machine is being able to talk about it without any reservations.
And of course, me being The Mommyologist sort of has me under the delusion that I am some sort of baby poop expert even though I know better than to think that I’m really that knowledgeable just because I’ve outfitted myself with a fancy title. And of course, our little discussion opened the floor for me to throw in one of my favorite poop stories from our son’s infant days. There’s nothing like regaling a tale of your son shitting himself while sitting on an airplane and waiting a good 30 minutes to take off to make you feel just a tad bit nostalgic for your diaper changing days.
And yes, I’m totally kidding. But now I’m kind of panicking a bit because as I typed out that last sentence, the thought went through my mind that my son is OUT of diapers now, but when he has to shit, he HAS TO SHIT, and if we are ever stuck on an airplane runway again and aren’t allowed to get up and use the lavatory, then we’re probably going to have a SERIOUS “Code Brown” going on in our row. Good grief…I need a vodka just thinking about that scenario.
Ok, back to the dinner party and back to the baby poop…not that we were ever really OFF the poop topic. Once you become a parent, it’s almost like you’ve entered some kind of secret club or fraternity or something like that. And the initiation into that elite club? Oh yeah…you guessed it! BEING POOPED ON. Or AT. Or in the GENERAL VICINITY OF. Whatever. You catch my drift.
I thought that a nice way to welcome these two new parents into the club would be to open the forum and let my readers tell me their favorite poop story. Because you all know you have one.
C’mon…you KNOW you are just DYING to leave a comment detailing your story. We’re all in this together folks!
This is your chance to shine. Make it count.
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As a parent, I decided, that I AM an expert, damnit! With 4 kids in 5 years, I feel like poop is my 5th child. I have SO many poop stories that I don’t even know where to begin. How about the first up-the-back-and through-the-jammies poop my oldest EVER had (followed by countless others, of course)? I called my husband at work and screamed. “OMG it’s EVRYWHERE!!!” Now it’s all in a day’s work, but then….then it was my first days home alone with the little guy and it nearly broke me!
Love the visual of you chomping and chatting away!! =)
We’ve talked poop stories before so I love that this is your post today!
I think my BEST poop story is the following:
Mia was only a couple weeks old and I had her on her changing table changing her diaper. I had her diaper off and getting ready to put the other one on when I heard a “fart” noise. I looked up and didn’t see anything and then I happened to glance to the side where I found that she shot shit out her ass with such rapid force that it flew about 3 feet onto the curtains! It landed no where else….just the curtains.
My husband laughed at me…..I was not happy with his response! The next night…she shot shit at him!!!! Too bad for you sucka!!!
I don’t know when I’ve ever been so grateful not to have a story to share.
As always, you’re so right on target with everything you said. I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid big poop-catastrophes – those are generally reserved for daycare. I think the cloth diapers do a better job of containing massive blowouts. There was one time, though, when I went in to get him up in the morning and it had seeped through every possible place where the diaper meets the skin. I grabbed him out of the crib and literally ran down the hall to the bathroom holding him out at arms length the whole way. It was a sight to see, that’s for sure.
Speaking of the term “blowout,” I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hear an advertisement for a gigantic blowout sale and not think about poop ever again.
Don’t we all have a great poop story? My story involves baby poo under my fingernails at an important work meeting… yes,it’s true. Not proud, but worth a laugh.
posted it on my March 12 post.
Have a good day!
Oh my gosh this post is too funny! I’m a newbie (only 4 months into Mommyhood) but 2 days ago my little girl took a dump while I was holding her and it just sounded “different”. I jumped up and immediately took her to our little changing station. I pulled off her pants and inspected … pants were clean and no leakage around the legs …”thank God” I thought to myself. So I unsnapped the onsie and pulled it up …and OH MY GOD there was poop all over! Seriously, it was on her shoulders! It all went out the back of that diaper and covered her back – I almost threw out that onsie it was so gross. I hadn’t planned on giving her a bath right then, but that is exactly what happened.
You forgot to say that said daddy of the new baby swore up & down he’d never change a poopy diaper. It’s crazy how a baby can change even the most stubborn guys!
And my poop story is really about my nephew. He was playing in the middle of a bunch of toys with his cousins when someone yelled “oh no!”. Everyone looked over to see poop pouring out the top of his diaper like a perfectly arched stream of water. It landed in a nice little pile right behind him.
Of course, we’ve never let my sister live this one down.
Oh how funny!! You gotta love it- you just never know when a good poop conversation is going to crop up. Our worst- when my son had a seriously upset stomach and destroyed a hotel bathroom. It was not pretty and did not smell good, even after several cleaning attempts.
I still have nightmares..
Thank goodness I lucked out on not having huge blowouts with my own kids, spare a few incidents. But I worked in day care, so I have a lot of stories from those days.
The worst with my son was his 2nd birthday. Around this time we were finally putting the pieces together and realizing that he could possibly be somewhat lactose intolerant. I made sure to point out that he couldn’t have a piece of cake with a ton of icing and only a small scoop of ice cream. Too much of those would go right through him, causing a disaster!
My uncle didn’t listen to me and behind me back gave me son every bit of icing from his huge corner piece of cake and most of his ice cream. We went home shortly after the party, which was at my mom’s house, and my son gave me “the look”. I rushed him to the bathroom to discover that he had poop from his shoulders all the way down to his toes. It was so bad that I had to undress him in the tub and immediately follow with a hose down. Thank goodness he had on Crocs that could easily be washed. The rest of his clothes went to the garbage!
I posted about a poop/puke story awhile ago. But…the worst ever was on our flight to Cancun when Buddy was just 6 months old. We had a layover in DC and I laid him on the changing table and diarrhea seriously slide from his diaper up to his shoulders. I was alone in the bathroom and had no idea what to do. It was BAD. Definitely a story to blog about someday! LOL
It’s so funny how poop becomes such a commonplace topic of conversation after we have kids! Let’s see- there was the explosive poop right on my friend’s floor the first time I ever met her in person. Then there was one of my kids pooping at naptime and then wiping it all over the walls of his bedroom. The TEXTURED walls of his bedroom, so that shit was not easy to clean off! OMG. I could keep going. I can’t wait for my baby to be out of the diaper stage!
They never tell you that poop, vomit and what comes out of your child’s nose will be all that you are concerned with until the child reaches the age where they can take care of it on their own.
My worst poop stories come with my second. Bruiser could blow out of any diaper,no matter how well placed. He had more poop in his hair when he was little than he big brother did. But the funniest story is when my husband was changing Turbo-my oldest for teh first time and Turbo pooped–a snake ot poop shoot out of him at high velocity nad Nick was so not ready for it. Poop everywhere and mom to the rescue.
I have the grossest poop story. ever. We were with BigBoy who was probably 2 at the time and we were eating breakfast at one of those new 50s diners sort of place. Gross story short, toward the end of our huge breakfast I said to Husband, “I’m catching a wiff of BigBoy, I think he’s gonna need a diaper change.” Then I noticed a man at the table next to us was dry heaving and they got up in a huff and left. Then I saw the disaster! BigBoy had a big-D blowout that went up and over his diaper, all over the high chair, and onto the floor. Then someone walked by and I REALLY caught a wiff of it. O.M.G. No wonder the other table left. I wanted to die. However, I mustered enough courage to get a manager while Husband took BigBoy to the potty (LOL where there were no changing tables). While I begged the manager to let me clean it up, he wouldn’t hear of it and made the busboy do it. I apologized 100 times to the man that had to clean it up, we gave him a tip, and the waitress a big one and ran out of there as fast as we could. Ewww. That scene has been permanently emblazoned in my brain. Thanks for the reminder. Now I have a great topic for my blog too. Who doesn’t love to share a poop story!
With five kids I’ve seen a lot of poop.
When my twins were infants (they are now 4) I remember making a trip to Target and looking down at my hand and seeing something brownish on my hand.
I smelled it. Yap, it was poop.
I just shrugged and went about my business. I am a germ freak who washes my hands constantly, so much they crack, but when you are running off of 2 hours of sleep and a pot of coffee, you come to terms with the fact that a little poop never hurt no body.
A mother’s love I suppose…
This post cracked me up! I have four kids, between the ages of 3-16. I have seen my share of poop (and sadly, still do). My 5 yr old he is delayed on potting training, had a very bad poop experience w/ apple juice at school. Am I the only one who knows that you have to dilute apple juice?!?! It was soooo bad, but the good news is she became more familiar w/ the potty.
I had to laugh as I read this. I do remember my daughter’s love for stripping in her crib. Once she pooped while naked and needless to say she decorated her crib and herself with it. Ewww. Ick. Yuck. It was good thing she liked getting a bath.
I’m visiting from TMC!
What a funny story! We are still in the thick (ew, baaad pun) of it here with an 18 month old and the 6 month old I babysit for 2 days a week. The worst one for us was the poopsplosion that happened on the way to a friend’s dinner party, in the carseat. We spent the first 15 minutes after our arrival out in the street, cleaning off the baby and the car seat, so as not to make our entrance with a poop-encrusted child. We could have used a garden hose on that occasion!
HAHA…this is oh so true!
I’ve got a good poop story for you:
When my oldest son was 2, he was supposed to be napping in his room. You can probably tell where this is going…Anywho, he decided to poop his diaper and smear it all over his entire room. After a quick scolding and cleaning, I thought this was the last of it. But I was wrong. He did it 4 more times over the next 2 weeks! To this day, I’m still finding crusy poo in the deep crevices of his room!
You could also discuss how farmed shrimp are raised under chicken farms and eat shrimp poop! Yucky!
Do I dare even say that I haven’t yet had a really good poop story? Do I dare tempt the gods with an impending airplane trip hanging in the balance?
However, I have had days where I felt like I was living in poopville. I have changed 6 poop-filled bundles of joy in one day. Each with a fight between the two of us that would rival a round at the WWF because for some reason the little man hates to have his diaper changed. And when I finally get the diaper off of him he reaches down and pulls the diaper out from under him and It’s everything I can do not to end up with poop on my hands or have those little balls of love (when he is clearly refusing the fiber in his diet) roll onto the floor.
The best story I can think of is when one of those so-called balls of poop love escaped from the little mans diaper and rolled down into the footed part of his pajamas. He had poop smashed on the bottom of his foot and in between his toes. It was truly funny though. I spent all morning trying to figure out where that smell was coming from since I checked his butt and it was clearly not coming from there.
I have been lucky in the exploding diaper arena. Let’s hope I don’t become part of the “team” on the plane in two w
Oh…I could tell you some poop stories. Triplet poop stories. Poop in triplicate, I say.
Multiple poopymania of the multiples.
But I won’t….cause it’s been a really shitty day—-speaking of poop and I would rather just drink.
Just know….the poop stuff? Yeah. I been there. Done that. And now doing it again with baby number five!!! Carry on poopmeysters!
Ha! Poop. Yes it’s totally a revolving conversation. I feel like this especially because Peanut has total constipating issues. We are constantly talking about when she pooped, how much, etc, etc. Who would know that we ever had a life before baby poop!
We always say it’s one of those “You know you’re a parent when…” things. You know you’re a parent when you’re cheering for a “good” poop after your child has been sick. Or when you realize that the longest conversation you’ve had with your husband today was about the contents of diapers. It’s so NORMAL once you’re a parent. But still wrong. Wrong.
We just made our first post-potty training flight with my oldest and I had those same fears. I prayed for him to hold it in! We made it, disaster free. Whew. We have to do it all over again in about six weeks on a flight that’s twice as long as the one we just took. I better start praying now.
Okay, I have no idea how many posts I’ve missed?! Not sure what happened?!?! I blame my Reader, lol!
Anyway, I seriously just laughed my ass off at the Code Brown sitting on the runway…hahaha! Hilariousness!
And my sister hasn’t told me any poop stories yet. Then again I haven’t heard from her other than a text today…and she was the one just a mere weeks ago proclaiming “Ewwww!” and “Grooooss!” about any slightly disturbing story about bodily functions and children
xoxo
I’m out to lunch with my baby and my 4 year-old, celebrating her friend’s 4th birthday party. There were a few other moms there with their kids. And at the front of the restaurant, some moms from my son’s kindergarten class.
I’m already embarrassed b/c I have the word “Goodyear” embossed in black on the back of my shorts after somehow leaning up against the tire of our SUV. So we’re eating lunch, and I’m nursing the baby the entire time. I mean, he was napping for part of it, but it was the only way I could keep him from fussing.
Finally it’s time for cupcakes and gifts. I stand up. The baby’s awake so I shift him to put him up on my shoulder – in time to feel something land in my shoe.
Oh yes. But wait. There’s more.
There is poop not only in my shoe, but it’s covering the entire front left leg of my shorts. I’ve got to get out of the restaurant and to my car, covered in shit. I’ve got my Hooter Hider so I’m trying to cover my leg with that, but there’s no mistaking the huge yellow stain going up my son’s back. This means going past the kindergarten moms and the tweens hanging out in the parking lot.
I get to the car and I have no wet wipes. They’re completely dry, so I attempt to spit on them to wet them to wipe off the poop. Oh – and it was about 90 degrees out.
This all led me to one thought: WHY do we bring a change of clothes for our babies, but not one for US??
Son of a gun, wouldn’t you know it…after saying yesterday that I don’t remember the worst poop ever, I had one TODAY to talk about?! My youngest (10 months) had a literal poop EXPLOSION! I went to change him thinking it was a “pee-through” when to my horror I found it was actually a POOP-THROUGH! It had squeezed out one leg and was all down one leg…it was like play-doh. It must’ve taken about 20 wipes easily and then a trip to the bathtub. Ugh.
My daughter shitted (the icky black stuff a newborn produces)on my husbands hands the very first time he changed her. Snigger. The cat has also encountered baby poo a few times.
Fixed the problem…apparently, I can’t spell. Sorry!
I agree—so great that we can all talk and laugh about poop. But now you’ve made me paranoid because I’m flying home mid-may with my girls (who are 4 1/2). Someone ALWAYS has to poop whenever we’re out in public. I loathe plane bathrooms. I feel like I can see all the germs crawling all over. I try to convince them that they can wait, and sometimes it works, but I don’t like to push it because you never know what might happen then!!! LOL!
Ok, here goes the crap..lol..I was at the Doctors office for my sons 1st check-up (like 6 wks old ), The nurse had taken his temp. (rectally) and sent me back out to the waiting room, I hadnt even put his diaper back on yet, just had him wrapped up, sat down, heard “the noise” while digging for the diaper, pulled the blanket back and you guessed it….covered in baby crap, nasty smelling, runny tiny baby crap everywhere. Even the other moms were going eewwwwww while they where laughing at me.Quite an experience for a new mom…LOL