Marriage Means Putting Up With Crap

I have been married to my husband for almost seven years, and we’ve been officially together for almost nine.  And throughout the course of our courtship and nuptials, both of us have really put up with more than our share of crap from each other.  Ok, ok, so I know you’re probably puzzled as to how it is possible that someone who is as completely charming as me gives her husband any sort of grief. Well let me be the first to tell you that this mama can really dish it out.  I can be a total pain in the ass…but I guess maybe that’s part of my allure?

I mean, I’ve yelled at the poor dude for things that I really just have no business yelling at him for…like using the half bath downstairs to do a number two instead of going upstairs and cowering away in poop shame in the master boudoir.  That one has set me off more than once.  But shouldn’t the man be allowed to do his business on any throne he chooses in HIS OWN HOME? Apparently that request is just way too big for The Mommyologist.  Because for whatever reason, man poop just really turns her off. And we all know that she shits ice cream.

And every time that I give the poor hubster a hard time about his bathroom location choice, he just kind of mumbles, “Ok, ok, I’m really sorry….” and sprays a ton of air freshener and vows to trek up the stairs the next time nature calls.  And sometimes I really don’t know why he lets me off the hook so easy for being such a mega-bitch.  Because what he SHOULD say to me each time that I deem myself to be the “Poop Cop” is:

“LISTEN woman…this is MY house and I work hard to pay the damn mortgage and because I work hard to pay the damn mortgage it gives me the right to drop a deuce in any bathroom in this house without any objections from my wife!!”

As hard as it’s going to be, I think that, starting today, May 18th, the Poop Cop is just going to have to turn in her badge.

Because sometimes in a marriage, you really have to suck it up and put up with a load of crap.  It’s just part of the deal.

And my wonderful husband took that concept to a whole new level this past weekend.

You see, instead of spending Saturday outside enjoying the beautiful, nearly 70 degree sunny weather with our four year old, the hubster and I spent the better part of the day in the Emergency Room with me hooked up to an IV looking white as a ghost.  My parents were in town for the first time in way over a year, and we’d been out to dinner the night before to celebrate my Dad’s birthday.  And as I sat there and looked at the menu at the fairly upscale establishment we were dining at, I debated over whether to order a filet and baked potato, or the filet and crab-cake combo with the baked potato.  And if I had a time machine, I would most definitely travel back to Friday night and tell myself to forgo the damn crab-cake.  Because the doctors were 99% sure that it was what landed me in the ER with severe dehydration.  You can figure out the other ugly details on your own.

In order to determine what exactly was making me sick, the nurse told me that they were going to need “a sample.”  And I’m not talking about peeing in a cup, though I had the pleasure of doing that too.

And in order to obtain this sample, I had to unhook my IV bag from it’s little rack and carry it into the bathroom with me.  And being the great guy that he is, my hubby offered to stand in the bathroom with me and hold that IV bag so that I could, quite literally, shit into a hat.  I politely declined his offer because I figured I HAD to draw the line somewhere.

But before he handed me the IV bag and shut the bathroom door, he asked if I needed anything.  And it was at that point that I looked at him and said, “Yeah…can you please pull down my thong so I can go?  I can’t do it with one hand.”

And I’m sure being that this was a Saturday and we had my parents in town so we had a free babysitter and were supposed to have a date night that night and all, the hubster would’ve LOVED for me to ask him to pull down my thong.  But I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the scenario he had in mind.

There I was, in an Emergency Room bathroom, asking the hubster to pull down my thong so that I could give the nurse a stool sample.  Not exactly a Mom Sexy moment.

Yeah, this poor guy has put up with more than his share of crap.  And minus my parents and a couple choice girlfriends, there isn’t another person on this planet who would.

I love you honey.  And yes, you can do whatever you want in the half bath from now on.  And if I try and change my mind in the future, you only need to say two words to me.  ”STOOL SAMPLE.”

Comments

  1. 1
    Kathryn says:

    First of all – so sorry you got food poisoning..I feel ill just thinking about it. Second – you are not alone. My husband does the two-step to our john and I turn purple because the dude makes a lot of stinky doodie, so I get it. Lastly, you are a good wife for realizing your husband should be able to drop his goods in any bathroom he wants because that was hazard duty the poor guy had this weekend. One last thing – big shout out for the thong! I haven’t been able to sport the floss since kid #2 – yeah you.

  2. 2
    amber says:

    Oof. That’s not a good date night. But the man is a keeper…unauthorized pooping or no (BTW, I totally go off at my hub for the same thing).

    I hope you’re feeling better!

  3. 3
    MandyP says:

    O.M.G. I laughed so hard reading this. Where to start with my fave parts??? “Pull down my thong” I had to look twice at that…”Did I read that right?” Oh you crack me right the hell up, Mary. xoxoxo

  4. 4
    Angel says:

    OH yuck on the food poisoning. I so hope the restaurant was notified before anyone else became sick.. Kudos to hubby for the thong removal..although I am sure he could have thought of a thousand other ways that line would have been more appealing..

  5. 5
    Sam says:

    He’s such a great guy, but I really would have liked this story so much better if he’d had to hold the hat.

  6. 6

    Girl I love you! You make me laugh. That is an awesome hubby. My favorite part “..shit into a hat”, so funny! I am sorry to hear you were so sick, but glad to know you are feeling better.

  7. 7
    Kmama says:

    I’m so sorry you were so sick. But it made for a great post, if that’s any consolation!

  8. 8
    Nolie says:

    Sounds like you got a great guy. Did he at least help with the thong without making a smart ass remark? If it was Tobei he would have done it with some kind of “Why cant you say that more often” line. I hope you are feeling better. Go throw away your poop cop badge if you haven’t already.

  9. 9

    Haha my husband works a lot and I always find myself bitching about him not picking up after himself. I try cutting him some slack but sometimes is so hard!

    Glad to hear your ok. I’m sure that wasn’t the scenario he had in mind either! lol

  10. 10
    Trista says:

    What a great hubby! Seeing as how we only have 1 bathroom, I can’t throw a fit about any stinky dookies from the hubby but I feel you with taking it easy on them, we tend to be hard on them for stupid stuff. I am amazed my husband still finds me sexy after he witnessed me crawl naked to the bathroom after having our baby, yea I know I should have asked for help but I was done with everyone seeing me in all my gross, naked glory.

  11. 11

    Aw, now that’s a true love story.

  12. 12
    Brandi says:

    This post is what blogging is all about! I love it and I am reminded that I need to get over here more often to read your awsome blog:)

    I hope you are feeling better. Maybe a nice magazine rack in the half/bath would let Hubs know you want him to feel “right at home”!

  13. 13
    mindy says:

    lmaopmp- i cant even begin to tell you how hard you had me laughing with this one!! awesome!!

  14. 14
    Rose says:

    Oh dear, that sucks! I hope your feeling better =/

  15. 15
    Scary Mommy says:

    That’s love!! Gross, but love. :)

    P.S. Congrats on your Parents Picks pre-nomination! Go, you!! http://www.parentsconnect.com/parents-picks/best-parenting-blogs

  16. 16
    Chelle says:

    You poor thing!! I cannot even imagine the awful day you had :( Stupid crab cakes!

    And isn’t it funny how one little act of humility can make us stop being so hard on our men? Lol! I’ve had a few humiliating things happen and I did the same thing…”Leo? I’ll never, ever, ever complain about xyz again.” Haha!

    xoxo

  17. 17
    cathy says:

    OMG! I can’t believe you had a thong on! but yeah…hubs sounds like a keeper. i’be been tryin not to be such a bitch to my hubs too, but i’m entering that time of life where all he has to do is walk in the door and i’m pissed off! i’m just learnin to keep my big-ass mouth shut!

  18. 18
    Jenny says:

    sorry to hear about the food poisoning…that sucks! isn’t it amazing what the husband will do in the time of need…

  19. 19
    Erin says:

    You poor thing! I am so sorry about the food poisoning. I am always leery of crab because I’ve heard so many stories….

    I encourage my hubs to use the master bath for the same reasons you mention, but you are totally right. I just hate when he chooses to do it right before company comes or unexpected visitors arrive, etc..

    On another note, I was in a store last week and saw this eco-friendly stuff (I loathe air freshener b/c it is obvious you’re covering up the smell, ugh). You spray it into the toilet before you poop and it absorbs all the odor. I’ve not tried it, but I’m debating going back to get some. It’s called something funny like Poop Perfume or No Eau de poop or I don’t know. WIll have to go back, get some, and blog about it!!!!

  20. 20

    Oh, I’m so sorry you had “sick bum,” which is what we call it in our house. OMG…are you going to write a review for Spy Mom on the establishment? :)

  21. 21
    Anastasia says:

    This made me smile. Its so true. But I’m sorry you got sick. Glad you’re better.

  22. 22
    Andrea says:

    I hope you are feeling better! I know sometimes it takes a few days to get over such bad food poisoning!!

    You need to get a little bottle of “Poopouri”. You squirt it in the toilet before you go and no one knows what you’ve done! It really works, my sister took it on vacation with us last summer since there were loads of us sharing bathrooms. Funny, but effective!

  23. 23
    Emma says:

    That’s what Love is all about honey!!! Ain’t it grand ;-)

  24. 24
    Jen Gacek says:

    Awww…sorry to hear about your trip to the ER! No fun.

    I’m the same way with my hubby. I won’t let him use the main floor powder room for a dump. He shouldn’t even use the master bath after it’s just been cleaned! He has to go downstairs to his man cave and “drop the kids in the pool” down there. And lemme just say, they is no way I would ever use that toilet!

  25. 25
    mommy2chazz says:

    Aww, I needed this post today! I have been getting after poor Hubby all day for little things… At the end of the day, it’s all about loving the man who would indeed offer to help me while I poop (ice cream).

    Thanks for the laugh!

  26. 26
    Miranda says:

    OH MY. This is EXACTLY the post I was looking for on twitter!

    I’m so sorry you were in the ER this weekend with food poisoning. No bueno.

    But I just laughed at you having to ask your husband to pull down your thong. This so sounds like something I’d have to ask my husband, and because he is a saint, he would most definitely oblige.

    And to do away with the lingering effects of your hubs dropping a deuce in the half bath, have him light a match or two when he’s finished. It’ll extinguish the smell completely!

  27. 27
    Shell says:

    First of all, I have to say OMG, you poor thing!

    And now, I have to LMAO at the poop cop and a stool sample and the whole thing.

    The romance of marriage after we’ve been married for that long!

  28. 28

    OMG. This totally reminds me of our honeymoon. (& I should probably blog this instead of leaving you a long comment, but both husband & I got food posioning and landed in a hospital in MEXICO. We don’t speak spanish, had no idea what was going on, but we were sick (like you) all day and had to get on a plane the next day to go home. But before they would treat us we too had to give “samples”. Not exactly the sexy ending to the honeymoon that one hopes for.

  29. 29

    PS. I hope you’re feeling better – sorry you were sick. See, I’m selfish, that first comment was all about me. SORRY! :)

  30. 30
    Katie says:

    Oh, you poor thing, you! I’m like you: I can NOT do #2 with an audience, shoot, I can barely PEE with an audience. Probably TMI, but hey… you started it! (just joshin’ ya!)

    I have a feeling that my husband would DEFINITELY put his foot down if I told where to do his business.. because he has. Never again will I harass him in that manner. Ever.

    Hope you’re feeling all the way back to normal now and had a good time with your parents. : )

  31. 31
    Brittney says:

    Lol you poor thing!! Im sorry the food made you sick but the story you told made me laugh hope your feeling better

  32. 32
    Calgarydaddy says:

    Food Poisioning…YUCK! I hope you never get sick again…

    As for the bathroom issues…I think your hubs and my wife would get along well. They love to use the downstairs bathroom for this, lol!

    Shane

  33. 33
    Lanita says:

    Now that is true love. Any guy willing to help you pull down your thong in the ER is a keeper.

  34. 34
    Erin says:

    So glad you’re feeling better! That’s CLOSE and through all the shit we wouldn’t have it any other way! :)

  35. 35
    Sarah C. says:

    Oh this cracks me up. I think you definitely are going to have to turn in your badge, poop cop. I hope you are feeling better, though. It’s really too bad date night turned into that. Thank goodness you have a wonderful guy who will help you out. You are a lucky woman.

  36. 36
    Tiffany says:

    That was sooo hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing. I give my husband a hard time about pooing in our master bathroom, especially when I’m going to take a shower. But maybe I should shut up.
    You definitely put it into perspective.
    I gave you an award on my blog! Go check it out. Congratulations!
    http://jayteekayeee.blogspot.com/2010/05/passing-love.html

  37. 37
    Mindy says:

    I almost peed my pants reading this! Oh, this so makes me think of a recent unpleasant bathroom experience after my recent surgery. Or those magical times when you and your spouse share a terrible stomach bug. I think you will probably be thinking “stool sample” every time, so he’ll never have to say it. Classic post. :0)

  38. 38
    Amy says:

    OMG! I’m so sorry to hear about your food poisoning! That’s awful! I’ve only had food poisoning once and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone! I hope you are feeling better!! ;)

  39. 39
    From Belgium says:

    I don’t think I ever saw that one on those ‘Love Is…’ cartoons

  40. 40
    Lamb says:

    Hmmmm, I just left a comment…where on earth did it go??

  41. 41
    Cara Mamma says:

    I am so sorry you had to go through this- and hope that you are feeling better! yuck! sadly it seems that the best planned date nights some times result in sheer horror. We had a date night on Saturday to go swing dancing- I ended up having an anxiety attack. xo

  42. 42
    Missy says:

    First, I’m with you on NO POOP IN THE GUEST BATH. Drives me crazy. Mortgage paying or not, please keep your manly behind and all that goes with it in your own bathroom.

    So sorry you spent your day in the ER and really sorry that it involved some not-so-sexy moments. These are the character builder moments of our lives, but I could really live without them!!

  43. 43
    Angie says:

    Oh, hon, I’m so sorry you had food poisoning! There is no worse feeling in the world.

    You know, I’m sure the stool sample moment was not exactly Mom Sexy, but it probably did bring you closer to your husband, right?

  44. 44
    Morgan says:

    You poor poor thing! Food poisoning is misery. And it sounds like your man is a keeper!

  45. 45
    Theta Mom says:

    This was HILARIOUS – glad you are ok mama!

  46. 46
    Jessica says:

    I love it! The shit police! Priceless!

  47. 47
    Natalie says:

    I’m glad you are okay!! That really sucks and it’s amazing how the hubbies pull through when we need them the most and don’t say anything at all about it.

    Not that it matters, but I HATE when my hubby poops in the downstairs bathroom! It drives me crazy!

  48. 48
    Rebecca says:

    After I had the twins, I got really really sick (thanks to my father who completely overstayed his visit)…Husband basically saw me shit out of my mouth…nice, huh? He also had to endure c-section farts for 5 days and give me my first shower as I couldn’t stand upright. He was helping me out of the shower and I farted and he started coughing and laughing and then I was laughing, but I couldn’t really laugh or my uterus would fall out…it was bad.

    Love is love…bathroom stuff takes it to a whole other level…hang in there and I hope you’re back to normal. It can take days to shake food poisoning!

  49. 49

    I have never read a more perfect example of true love! I’m sorry you ended up so sick, that’s terrible :( But, I’m glad you had someone there for you and hope you’re feeling better!

  50. 50

    Hello The Mommyologist!

    Greetings from Malaysia again! Just want to say thank you for dropping by my blog on my SITS day. You can read the aftermath of my whole day SITting episode at this link:
    http://imafulltimemummy.blogspot.com/2010/05/afternath-of-whole-day-sitting.html

    Thank you again and hope to see you back here sometime! :D

    Warmest Regards,
    Jenny aka I’m a full-time mummy
    (http://imafulltimemummy.blogspot.com/)

    Btw, love your blog design!

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