May 10, 2010

Preschoolers Are Smart Cookies

Earlier this afternoon, I had a MUCH needed laugh. I’m talking about one of those laughs that was totally unexpected and completely had me rolling and gasping for air and possibly even snorting once or twice. And in the midst of what turned out to be an extremely busy day, I really needed that little comedy break. And I owe it all to my preschooler. Because he is one smart little dude.

I don’t know what my deal is today, but I’ve just been a little off. And I’m thinking that the culprit behind this fog that I’ve been meandering through since 7:00am this morning probably has something to do with the fact that I totally cleansed my body at hot yoga yesterday morning and then filled it right back up with all kinds of toxic shit courtesy of a Mexican dinner and a few glasses of Pinot Grigio at our Mother’s Day celebration last night.

But whatever the reason is behind me dragging ass today, I can always count on my kid to snap me out of my funk. And he totally delivered this afternoon.

We were just about to head out the door for a little stroll around the neighborhood, and I decided that I had to pee before we left. I sat down to do the job, and of course my little stud wandered into the bathroom with me. (I seriously don’t remember what it is like to use the facilities alone). Anyhoo, our mid-stream dialogue went something like this:

Little man: “Mommy, are you poopin’?”

Me: “No honey, I’m just peeing.”

Little man: “OH! That’s GREAT! I LIKE pee! But I HATE POOP. You know what Mommy??”

Me: (Starting to chuckle at this point and trying to pull up my pants at the same time) “What sweetheart?”

Little man: “Pee is like a stream of water that comes out of your wiener! And poop is like a rock that comes out of your butt!!”

(Cue the snorting and uncontrollable laughter. And it was a good thing that I’d already peed because I totally would’ve pissed myself had he said it before I sat down).

What can I say? Sometimes the pure and innocent wisdom of a four year old is all you need to remind you that those little things that happen during your day that stress you out and make you want to run for the hills really aren’t all that important. Seriously, how great would life be if we could all talk to each other with no inhibitions just like a preschooler? Can you even imagine the water cooler chit-chat if that were the case?

And the best part is that he’s only four and he hasn’t yet caught onto the fact that I don’t exactly have a wiener. But I’m pretty sure that conversation is on its way. Because that kid doesn’t miss one detail.

Not to mention the fact that as we were walking out the door to finally go on our walk he slapped me on the ass and called it a love tap.

WTF? I’m sincerely hoping that he didn’t learn that one from one of his buddies at school. But he definitely wasn’t taught that at home so I really have no idea where the hell it came from. Are there subliminal messages on The Little Einsteins? Because I’ve heard some rumors about Disney being known for that shit.

That’s all I’ve got kids. It’s been a long day. And my wine glass is empty. And I’m not due to sweat these toxins out for a few more days so I might as well pour another one.

39 Comments
Posted Under: things kids say
May 7, 2010

If It Makes You Pout, Throw It Out!

During my frantic attempt to find a short-sleeved top and a pair of jeans to throw on yesterday before taking my son to preschool, I found myself uttering a phrase that is just all too familiar in my daily dressing ritual.  It went something like this:

“I’VE HAD IT!!!  I CAN’T FIND A DAMN THING!!”

You see, I somehow manage to be moderately organized in other aspects of my life, but my master bedroom closet is just a complete other story.  To put it bluntly, it’s freakin’ hell in there.  Seriously, if you walked into my closet right now, you would think that I was either the biggest pack rat on the face of the earth or suffering from a huge case of “I Just Don’t Give a Damn!”

I typically clean that closet out about once or twice a year, and it looks good for a couple of months, but after that I just start to lose interest in the whole “hangers equally spaced apart” thing and before I know it I’ve completely lost control again.  Out of pure and simple desperation, I decided to finally pry myself off Twitter during my son’s last hour at preschool and ventured upstairs to try and put some sort of a dent into the bottomless black hole.

And of course, I started by taking my jeans off, throwing them on the bed, and trying on each and every single pair of pants hanging in the closet to see what fit, and what most definitely didn’t.  And the weirdest part of the whole thing was that the ones that I expected to slip right on wouldn’t go past my hips, and the ones that I thought I didn’t have a chance in hell of squeezing myself into buttoned up without a hitch.  And then I stood there in total confusion and tried to decide whether I was happy to have found a few old pieces of my wardrobe that I could now showcase as brand new or whether I wanted to break down and cry because I knew that I was going to have to part with those “capris that just don’t fit anymore but are so totally cute that it breaks my heart to give them up because they are designer and I got them on sale and at one point they made my ass look really good.”

But then I remembered my Mom Sexy vow that I would no longer let the sizes on the labels of my clothes control me anymore, and I decided that I am a woman of my word and that my pledge was also going to have to apply to those items in my closet that I’ve had since my pre-baby days that I keep “just in case they fit again someday”, kind of like those leftover cargo shorts I clung to like glue from my honeymoon.  It felt SO good to get rid of those shorts, not only because trying to button them literally sucked the breath out of me, but because it symbolized me starting a fresh chapter in my life…my MOM SEXY chapter.

This is the chapter where I finally embrace each and every curve on my body as a sign that I am a happy, healthy, and strong woman.  This is the chapter where I stop obsessing over the size of my shape and start paying attention to the quality of my life experiences. This is the chapter where I am finally feeling healthy and have a great workout regime and I feel like I am really taking care of my body inside and out.  And this is the chapter where I am implementing a new mantra for myself:

“IF IT MAKES YOU POUT, THROW IT OUT!!”

Say it with me again ladies!!  “IF IT MAKES YOU POUT, THROW IT OUT!!”

And I’m not just talking about tossing the scales and the jeans you’ve had since you were 19 that you just can’t seem to part with. I’m talking about throwing out EVERYTHING in your head that is somehow bringing you down and making you feel like less of woman.  Because no matter how hard we try and fight it, as women, and in particular as mothers, we ALL have those areas of our lives that make us pout and doubt our self worth.  And it turns into this vicious cycle of pout and doubt, pout and doubt, etc.

I am not ashamed to admit that I pout about things sometimes that I really just have no business pouting about.  I pout about my cellulite.  I pout about my lack of boobage.  I pout about my body not looking as good as the woman next to me at Zumba.  I pout about the fine lines around my eyes and mouth.  And then all that pouting makes me doubt myself.  I doubt myself as a woman.  I doubt myself as a wife.  I doubt myself as a mother.  Hell, I even doubt myself as a blogger.  And you know what??  I’M OVER IT. It started with the simple act of throwing out a few old pairs of pants, and now I’m going to throw out my insecurities with them. Because the truth is that I am the ONLY person who can stop myself from feeling like the Mom Sexy woman that I am.

A few years ago, when I was pregnant with my son, I attended a woman’s empowerment seminar with Dr. Kimberly Ventus-Darks. She kept repeating a phrase which I still keep in the back of my mind each and every day.

“Everything is mind over matter, and if you don’t mind, then it DOESN’T MATTER.”

Seriously, HOW TRUE IS THAT?  If I don’t mind that those pants don’t fit me, then it doesn’t matter that those pants don’t fit me. And if it doesn’t matter that those pants don’t fit me, then I won’t have to waste my time doubting my hotness for one freakin’ second.  And if I get rid of the pants, then it’s like they never existed anyway, so there’s no potential for a relapse.

So, with Dr. Ventus Dark’s words in mind, I’m once again belting my new mantra out loud:

“IF IT MAKES YOU POUT, THROW IT OUT!!”

If I let those old skinny jeans, or my cottage cheese ass, or my crows feet, or any of my insecurities and fears get me down, then I’m never going to feel the level of sexy and beautiful that I SO deserve.

And I’m challenging all of you to do the same.  In celebration of Mother’s Day, I’m asking all of you to tell me what makes you pout, and then pledge to THROW IT OUT!!

Because YOU ARE MOM SEXY.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.  And YOU ARE WORTH IT!

42 Comments
Posted Under: Mom Sexy
May 4, 2010

In Honor of Mother’s Day

Ok, so I know that I’m a few days early, but I’d like to bite the bullet and go ahead and wish all of my Mom Sexy ladies out there a Happy Mother’s Day!  Sunday is OUR day mamas!  It’s our day to RELAX.  It’s our day to REJUVENATE.  It’s our day to BE WAITED ON HAND AND FOOT.  And yes, it’s our day to pretty much only dream of doing those three things because the truth is that personal days just aren’t really part of our job description.

Because even when I do have the luxury of a day or even a few hours to myself, I never really manage to fully let myself unwind because the whole time I keep checking my watch every 15 minutes to see just exactly how much time I have left to savor the nirvana of a Lego-free existence. And then I realize that I am, in fact, thinking about Legos when I should be enjoying a little “me” time, and then once again I’m reminded that Legos are most definitely the boss of me.  And those bastards never really let me have a day off.

As far as my expectation went of how I thought my life would be after having kids, I can assure you that Legos most definitely were never part of that vision.  I guess there are just some things that you can’t learn from a handbook.  The most surprising aspects of motherhood were definitely taught to me via “On-The-Job Training.”  So, in honor of Mother’s Day, I thought it would be fun to share a few little lessons that I’ve learned from the greatest parenting instructor in the whole world, my adorable little stud.

1. If you want to know the REAL truth about something, ask a four-year old. This past weekend, my 89-year old grandfather’s tooth fell out.  My son looked at him and said, “Wow.  You must be getting really old.”  (This is the same child who also refers to MY belly button as a “squishy crater”.  He can’t tell a lie).

2. There are six degrees of separation between each and every mother on the planet.  And the connection can usually be found in some sort of poop story.  We all totally know each other.

3. No matter how hard you try and fight it, there will come a day when you finally surrender and give in to Dora, Diego, the Little Einsteins, etc.  Because even though those little characters may be annoying as hell at times, they will absolutely SAVE YOUR ASS when you wake up on a Saturday morning with a hangover and a toddler who doesn’t give a shit.

4. Apparently children have different standards of what constitutes proper etiquette when it comes to nose picking.  And their standard is pretty much “Anytime, Anyplace, Anywhere.”  And if the nose picking occurs and there isn’t a box of tissues in their general vicinity, then wiping the boogers on mom’s pant leg works just as well.

AND THAT CALLS FOR A….

5. There is seriously nothing funnier than taking pictures of a little kid’s exposed butt crack.  And I’m saving each and every shot for prom night. What high school chick in her right mind wouldn’t love seeing a shot of that cute little tush?  Yeah, I know.  I’m already researching therapists for the poor boy.

6. Just because I can eat an entire box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in one sitting doesn’t mean that my son can.  And it’s pretty bad that I make it anyway knowing full well that there is a fairly good chance that he won’t eat ONE BITE of it. But I just can’t let all that yummy mac and cheese go to waste so I’ll devour it with purpose each and every time.

7. When I was in high school, I always thought that moms with little kids were really old.  It never occurred to me that I would actually be considered one of those “old chicks” someday.  And the God’s honest truth is that I’m still not buying it.  Because when those cute little girls stand next to me at Zumba, I know they’re thinking that this mom really knows how to shake it.  That’s right. I’m a COOL mom.

8. I’m a complete and total multi-tasker.  I have an innate ability to check my email on my Iphone with one hand and wipe my son’s ass with the other.  And I can do both of those things with the cordless phone on my shoulder.

9. Farts are hysterical and totally not embarrassing when they come out of four year old’s butt.  A 32 year old?  Not so much.

10. Alright everyone.  I just can’t help myself.  I feel the need to reiterate that even though being a mom is the hardest, most important job on the face of the earth, it still doesn’t make anyone exempt from the Great Lego Takeover.  Just wait.  They’ll come for you too.

Happy Mother’s Day from The Mommyologist!!

37 Comments
Posted Under: Glam Check!, life after kids, motherhood
May 1, 2010

May Mom Sexy Blogger of the Month

Ok ladies…are you ready to hear who my Mom Sexy Blogger of the Month for May is???  Because I am SO excited to announce her and to feature her button on my sidebar for the entire duration of May!!

First of all, let me just say that it was extremely tough to single out just one winner!  There were so many terrific Mom Sexy posts and comments and all of them made me get up out of my chair and applaud!  I absolutely love that so many of you are embracing your inner Mom Sexy and are coming out of your shells and accepting yourselves for WHO YOU ARE, in any WAY, SHAPE, or FORM!  Thank you SO much to each and every person who participated.  I hope that you’ll come back next month too!

I am still just completely overwhelmed by the support I’ve received from all of my wonderful readers for my Mom Sexy Revolution. I am 100% confident that we can make a difference in the lives of women everywhere and encourage them to love and appreciate the way they look and feel.  This month’s response has made me incredibly excited to see where next month brings us, and the month after that and so on and so forth.  MOM SEXY HAS OFFICIALLY MADE A COMEBACK!!!

With that being said, I could not be more ecstatic to announce that my Mom Sexy Blogger of the Month for May is…

DRUMROLL PLEASE….

Mandy P. From Suburban Stereotype!!!

I have had the pleasure of getting to know Mandy through the bloggy world and through Twitter, and I am so happy that we’ve become friends! She is so down to earth and laid back, and I know that we would totally be buddies in real life if we lived closer!

Now, we all know that I broke up with my scale this month because I’ve decided that Mom Sexy is not a number.  Getting rid of the scale is one thing, but I failed to realize that there were still other numbers in my life that were controlling the way I feel about my body.  I thought that Mandy’s Mom Sexy post was a huge wake-up call for me, because she talked about how she has let the size on the label of her clothes hold her back from feeling good about herself.  And you know what?  I am totally guilty of the same thing!  I just HAD to pick her as my winner this month because our posts absolutely went hand in hand.

Mandy talked about trying on clothes in her closet that were from her pre-preggo days and hating herself and feeling like a total failure when they didn’t fit because she was just so obsessed with the number on that label. As I read her story, I started thinking about how many times I’ve reached into my closet and pulled out this one certain pair of shorts that I can remember wearing on my honeymoon.  They are TINY.  And SHORT.  And SO CUTE.  And a REALLY SMALL SIZE.

I wore those damn shorts on my honeymoon, and I don’t think that I’ve actually worn them since.  And I’ve been married for almost seven years. SEVEN.  Honestly, by the END of the honeymoon I don’t think that those shorts fit me anymore because of the complete and total hogfest that I treated myself to while we were vacationing on Little Palm Island.

Still, I tucked those shorts away in my closet, only to pull them out each and every Spring, and vow that come hell or high water, those shorts would somehow fit again by summer no matter how much I had to deprive myself.  And then every year, in late August, when I would try them on for the umpteenth time and find that they were still too tight, I’d wind up being depressed and feeling like a complete and total loser.  Just like Mandy felt with her clothes.

But Mandy decided to make a shift in her attitude and not be a slave to those labels anymore.  She went shopping and bought clothes that fit her well, and now she’s feeling like the confident, sexy mom that she IS.  And she inspired me to do the same.  And I think that it is only fitting that I break up with these damn shorts now that I’ve broken up with the scale.

Just for shits and giggles, I tried them on a few minutes ago just to prove to myself that I would not let the fact that they will probably never fit again defeat me.  My suspicions were correct.  I somehow managed to get them over my ass, but there’s a good five inch gap in between the button and the button hole.

And sorry folks, but that photo is the best that I could do without someone here to hold the camera for me.  Normally, I would just take the shorts back upstairs and put them in my closet and pledge to take them out in another couple months to see if I can manage to stuff myself into them and then I would spend the rest of the day crying about how I looked so good when I got married and now the only evidence I have of ever looking that good is in wedding photos.

But that was before Mom Sexy came around.  And just like I said in Monday’s post, I AM NOT GOING TO BE DEFINED BY A NUMBER.  So these shorts are just gonna have to go.

Thank you, Mandy P. for helping me to let go of the labels and sizes and to focus on what looks GOOD and FITS! Because if you LOOK good in your clothes, you FEEL good in your clothes, and if you FEEL good in your clothes…you are Mom Sexy! And Congrats on being my Mom Sexy Blogger of the Month!!

Make sure to check back with me on Monday, May 24th for the latest installment of Mom Sexy, and to find out how you can be my Mom Sexy Blogger of the Month for June!

32 Comments
Posted Under: Mom Sexy
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