The Potty Dance

It’s no secret that I absolutely love to shake my ass.  I do it twice a week at Zumba.  I do it in front of my dishwasher. And I probably do it in front of my bathroom mirror a little more often than I should. But what can I say?  I dig it. And I don’t plan on quitting anytime soon.

But there is one dance in my life that I could really do without.  I’m talking about the potty dance.  And by potty dance, I don’t mean the one that I made up while I was toilet training my son where I would jump up and down and clap my hands and act like a jackass in the middle of my kitchen.  I’m talking about the one that I do each and every single time that I have to enter a public restroom with my little dude.

It usually goes a little something like this:

Me: “C’mon sweetie, Mommy needs to go pee-pee and I want you to try to go too!”

Little Dude: “M-o-o-o-m-m-m!!  I don’t NEED to go pee-pee.  I’m FINE!  You go without me!”

Me: “Don’t be silly, I’m not leaving you in the middle of Target by yourself…you’re just gonna have to come with me.”

(The conversation continues along a similar dialogue as we make our way through the store and enter the ladies room).

Me: “Keep walking honey…let’s go in the big stall, it’s easier for Mommy that way.”

Little Dude: “Hurry UP Mom!  My wiener is burning!  It’s burning and I HAVE TO GO PEE-PEE!”

Me: “I thought you said you didn’t have to go!”

Little Dude: “NO Mom!  I REALLLLY have to go!  Hurry up and pull down my pants because it’s COMING OUT!”

(At this point my breathing starts to quicken as I try to hang up my purse on the little hook on the door only to find out that it isn’t there anymore, and so I put the handle of my purse into my teeth and pull down little dude’s pants, at which point he puts his hands DIRECTLY on the toilet seat).

Me: “NOOOOOO!!!  DON’T TOUCH THE TOILET SEAT!!!  OH F*&! ME!!!

(The profanity is said silently in my head, of course).

Little Dude: “Mommy…I’m just trying to put the seat up so I don’t pee on it!”

Me: “Stop right now! There are GERMS all over that toilet seat!!”

(Said in a sort of mumbled way since I’m still holding my purse in between my teeth).

(Little Dude finally finishes and I pull up his pants and tell him what a great job he did).

Me: “Ok honey, now stand right there by the door and DON’T move.  DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING because Mommy has to go pee-pee too.”

(At this point, I attempt the ever-so-famous “hover”, with my purse still in my mouth).

Little Dude: “Mommy!  Are you pooping?  Do you have to go poop?  I don’t want you to go poop because it’s going to STINK!”

(All said while scrunching his face up and holding his nose).

Me: “No honey, I only have to pee.”

(And I am totally getting stage-fright at this point because I’m so busy concentrating on not letting my purse hit the floor and not letting my bare ass hit the toilet seat).

Little Dude: “M-o-o-o-o-o-m!!  Hurry up and go PEE already!”

(At this point I am really starting to sweat).

(I finally muster up the courage to let loose, and then mid-stream, my dance moves suddenly switch from the Waltz to the Two-Step).

Me: “NO!!  Do NOT open that door!  Do NOT open that door!”

And the next thing I know, my little dude assumes that his presence isn’t required anymore and makes a break for it, and there I am, in the middle of the ladies room, trying to finish peeing, watching however other many women are in there washing their hands at the sinks and listening to my son yell, “C’mon Mom!  Let’s GO!”

And I know that the other ladies can all see me in the mirror.  And even though they pretend not to notice, I know that each and every one of them can tell what color Hanky Panky thong I have on that day.  Because it’s in plain sight right around my knees. And they are probably wondering why in the hell I can’t control my kid.  But then they typically all laugh and comment on how damn cute he is.

Maybe from now on I should just refrain from consuming any liquids within a few hours of venturing out with my little man.

Do any of you know the steps to the potty dance as well as I do?

Comments

  1. 1
    Hanan says:

    hahahahahaha!!! too funny. i totaly know what you mean about not touching anything especialy the seat! my dd is 3 so she still does the potty dance every time =P

  2. 2

    Oh sweet Jesus! I have so been there! Peanut usually likes to crawl under the stall door as I am yelling at her to get back in there!

  3. 3
    Evonne says:

    OMG! My son ALWAYS tries to open the door before I’m done! Either that or he tries to play with the diaper changing thingy if it’s the big stall. Those are gross!g]

  4. 4

    I totally understand this. my daughter is almost seven and we don’t have this issue. But my son? Oh my dear sweet almost 4 year old son….we go through this EVERY time we go to a public restroom. To make matters much much worse, I am a totally OCD nutjob when it comes to public restrooms and germs. It’s BAD. Haha

  5. 5
    Shelley says:

    This post had me laughing out loud! And I am in my office! That hasn’t happened in a while. Thanks for the laugh!! I wish I had been there to witness this, lol.

  6. 6
    Bethany says:

    I am going to remember all of this in the next few years as mine starts the pee pee adventures! I feel prepared for anything, just by reading your blog!

  7. 7

    Oh yes, that is so not fun. I’ve been exposed at Target a few times. They need to make those locks a little more kid-proof!

  8. 8
    brittney says:

    oh man bless your heart! I havent had that happen to me.. yet.. im sure it will happen eventually! right now Bailey is too scared to leave my side when were in public thankfully!

    sorry but i laughed out loud when you said he asked if you had to poop!! hahaha

  9. 9
    Stephanie says:

    My worst fear is always ‘will I have to go to the bathroom while I’m out with the kid alone’, it’s happened once and that’s been enough lol

  10. 10

    Oh the pee pee dance! I remember that one!! When the PIT was just starting the potty training business public bathrooms were my arch enemy. It NEVER failed..the minute we’d walk in the bathroom my little girl would crinkle her little nose and say “Mama….WHAT is that smell?!” and then proceed to plug her nose AND wave her little hand in front of her face (She’s going for a daytime Emmy I swear)

    Try teaching a girl to pee without sitting on the seat because “that things is covered in McNastys”……she gave me this look that said “omg. my mom has lost it” It took us several tries but she’s got it down now! Lol she can pee in a public bathroom without sitting on the nasty seat and she can pee on the side of the road without getting any tinkle on herself. (Which is more than I can say…I prefer to pee indoors…in my OWN doors btw)

    Loved this post….made me laugh and brought back some fun memories!
    Thanks!
    xoxo

  11. 11
    Purplume says:

    Oh yes, I remember that dance and you get to do it with grandchildren too.

  12. 12
    Kristy says:

    Argh. Look at all I have to look forward to! :)

  13. 13

    Do we shop at the same Target? What about me about wetting my pants waiting a child that “didn’t have to go”.

  14. 14
    harmskills says:

    LOL too funny! Ill know who to go to for potty training advice

  15. 15

    I almost peed reading this! Hysterical! I will stop complaining about having to change my daughter in one of those public restroom changing stations. This sounds WAY worse, and I am not looking forward to it!

  16. 16
    Kmama says:

    LMAO. I know the potty dance all too well!! Though I can’t hover, so I methodically lay toilet paper all over the seat and sit and simultaneously yell, “Don’t touch that. Keep the door shut. DOn’t you DARE go out there. I’m warning you!”

  17. 17
    Missy says:

    Love it. My favorite is the, “Mom, cool, look – what is this for?” as he lifts the lid on the feminine product disposal can. Our other fun game is when I say, “DO NOT touch anything until we have washed your hands” and then when the toilet flushes he slaps his hands over his ears, effectively getting potty germs all over his head. Good times.

  18. 18

    HAHA! That’s hysterical. I can totally picture that in my head.

  19. 19

    Oh My Goodness! That is classic stuff! I haven’t had to do the potty dance yet, but I am sure my time is coming.

  20. 20
    Stefanie Hawkins says:

    Mary, too funny. Been there and done that. Try with two kids and Mags wants to sit on the floor and wait. Then you hear “Mommy Cha- Cha, Maggie Cha-cha. Bubby peeenus (thats what it sounds like).” At least she knows there is a difference.

  21. 21
    Veronica Utz says:

    hahaha! Maybe I’ll just keep the kids in diapers!

  22. 22

    I totally get it! But, I do it with a kid who either doesn’t understand my begging, or doesn’t care. Then again, he’s only 16 months old. He also tries to go under the doors, walls, and stall dividers. Before I was a mom, I never worried about what may or may not be on the floor of a public bathroom. Geeze Louise!

    Anywho! I’m a new follower of your blog, and I’m putting your button on my favorite’s list!

  23. 23

    LOL I know that dance :D Especially when they try to get out of the stall while you are going!! ACK!! LOL LOL LOL

  24. 24
    SaucyB says:

    oh that’s too funny – and so true. I hate when I have to go and we’re out. my guy is going to be five so at this point i’m trying to get him to face the wall while i go to institute some more privacy. and what is up with that damn hook always being missing from the door?? I mean what are people putting on there that they are falling off?? what wack job is pulling them off?? these are important questions.

  25. 25
    blueviolet says:

    You better believe it! I have public bathroom paranoia and the memories you are bringing back of trying to hold germs at bay while taking my kids to the restroom…well, they’re just hurting me right now.

  26. 26
    Theta Mom says:

    Yes, the potty dance is always in action – but boys will be boys… *sigh*

  27. 27
    Kimberly says:

    Oh, the joys of parenting! I was laughing so hard while reading this post. I already have problems with public restrooms and my son so I guess I am in for a real treat as time goes on. (Since my son is only 2).

  28. 28
    Miranda says:

    This makes me afraid to potty train. I already have no idea what I’d do if I had to go pee while I was shopping alone with my toddler. If we both had to go? I’d probably cry.

  29. 29
    Dr. Dick says:

    This was absolutely hilarious! Made my day.

    Dr. D

  30. 30
    Harmony says:

    OMG!! That is so funny! I feel your pain. It’s always a gamble going to the bathroom with the kids in a public restroom. I have the same issue with my daughter touching the toilet seat. I’m always like NOOOO!!!

  31. 31

    I can totally relate!! I have two boys that I try to keep in the stall with me and I am constantly screaming “dont touch that!” I am freaked out by public restrooms. That is the one great thing about boys…they can shoot and pee!

  32. 32

    OMG i know the potty dance only too well. This was a great post.

  33. 33
    Danielle says:

    I know that dance all too well…and now that my 2 year old is potty training I am remembering how much I hate public restrooms…and the fact that they touch everything…ewwwwwwww! And why do they put the locks where they can reach them? UGH

  34. 34
    nmaha says:

    OMG! I know that dance. I sometimes have my purse strap around my neck and am squatting on my toes so that my jeans don’t touch the floor.

  35. 35
    Alexandra says:

    Oh, yes, we can all line up and do the potty dance….I’ve never seen girls do it, but I can show you how boys do it…perfectly.

  36. 36

    I have no clue about the potty dance…but it would be funny to see, I’m sure.

  37. 37

    OF COURSE I know the steps to this dance, too! LOL! Really, maybe I should take my own advice and pee before we leave to avoid having to do it at stores with the kids in tow!

  38. 38
    britt says:

    HAHA> I laughed because it didn’t happen to me.

  39. 39
    Tammy says:

    I can’t believe nobody else asked this … what color was the thong? LOL! Still deal with this with my 7y/o DD to only a slight degree.

  40. 40
    Loukia says:

    Hilarious. I hate these public bathroom trips. I freak my kids out, for sure. “NOOOO!!!! DO NOT TOUCH! OMG!!!! THE GERMS! THE GERMS!” Ever had to take your child poo in the middle of nowhere, in a public bathroom on truckers at the truck stop have used? OMG. My nightmare came to life last year! Brutal.

    • 41
      Dlovan says:

      Jenny – Adorable Jen! Love them all! I think the first two would make awesome canvsaes for above his crib! Love the last one with Alex and Jordan too definitely canvas worthy! :) Congrats again!

  41. 42

    Oh, my goodness! You could have just sat in the next stall and eavesdropped on my 3 year old an I having the EXACT same conversation. He argues over which stall to use, he touches every icky thing he can, he orders me out of the stall, indignantly shouting for all to hear: “Don’t looka my privates, MOM!”

    Just found your blog through The Empress – love it!

  42. 43
    Heidi says:

    Too funny! My fam was just talking about this tonight–hubster and I agreed that it’s MUCH better to squeeze into a little stall where you can grab Bug as he tries to escape vs. the big stall where he gets out of reach WAY too fast! Been there, done that! We both learned this one the hard way!

  43. 44
    Mc's Baby Mama says:

    I think me & Mc have never been anywhere in a public restroom where we haven’t been through the same scenerio. I feel your pain…LOL

  44. 45

    I love this – and I wrote a song which I do to a rap beat called ‘The Potty Song’ because this has got to be the toughest part of helping preschoolers become acceptable for preschool (never mind for college-did you ever see a normal teenager going to college in a diaper? There’s hope…). Also wrote a song ‘First Day at School’ and many more for my grandkids -check out http://www.RockinGrandmaMusic.com under children’s books and music for samples of all 14 of my songs. Survival means having a sense of humor. You can learn to be funny- really – I took a comedy class in Hollywood for that very purpose- and yes I went ‘live at the improv’ on Sunset blvd just prove I could -scariest thing I ever did!!! @lsegil is my twitter account

Speak Your Mind

*