A Life’s Manual For “Not-Quite-Preggo” Gals

Not too long ago, I had a nice little chat with a cute-as-a-button girl who just got married. And when I say cute-as-a-button, I actually mean totally gorgeous, with no dark circles or bags under her eyes, and a much cuter outfit than I could ever dream of pulling off. Basically, she had the classic look of a chick who doesn’t have kids yet.

I congratulated her on her marriage, and then told her to “enjoy her husband for a bit” because there is plenty of time in the future for kids. I told her to go out to dinner, travel, etc…you know…all those things that we never even had to question doing before our little bundles showed up.

And then she looked at me and said that she and her husband had been dating for seven years before they got hitched, and that they’ve already been out to dinner, already traveled, etc, and were already trying for a baby.

And all I wanted to do was look at her and say, “Oh no…you don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you. EVERYTHING changes after that baby arrives.”

I’ve been meaning to write this post since talking to her, and then I got even more inspired after reading this post from Shell at Things I Can’t Say.

May I present my Life’s Manual For “Not-Quite-Preggo” Gals:

1. Have sex NOW. Like a lot. Like all the time. And yes, having all that sex may possibly result in you getting knocked up sooner, but just have the sex anyway because it’s unscheduled sex. It’s un-tired sex. It’s uninterrupted sex. Pre-kid sex is having sex just for the hell of having sex, not having sex just because you haven’t had sex in two months and you figure you’d better have sex real quick before one of the kids wakes up. Trust me girls…go hump your man NOW.

2. Let’s talk about going out to dinner again. GO OUT TO DINNER. AT A NICE PLACE THAT REQUIRES RESERVATIONS. And make it a LONG dinner. Order a bottle of wine. Order an appetizer. Don’t put in your entree orders until after you’ve finished the appetizer and the bottle of wine. Order ANOTHER bottle of wine. Order dessert. And then go home and have lots of sex.

3. When you wake up in the morning after going out for that nice dinner, have sex again, and then park your ass on your couch with your man for the entire day and do nothing but watch TV, movies, etc. Only get up to use the bathroom, get more food from the kitchen, or if you feel the urge to have some more sex.

4. When you do go out to dinner with your hubby, and there is a couple at the table next to you with two kids who won’t stop whining and can’t seem to sit still, don’t roll your eyes at that couple. Don’t clear your throat and shoot them looks of disgust as they attempt to shove their food down their throats so that they can get the hell out of there as soon as possible. What you don’t know, is that they are looking at you and your pre-kid life with complete envy. They wish they were you. And they definitely aren’t having sex tonight. And before you know it, you will be THEM, so cut them some slack. Karma’s a bitch, ladies. Remember that.

5. Enjoy taking a poop in the privacy of your own bathroom with no one watching you, or yelling at you that your poop stinks, or telling you that they need to poop at that exact same moment, which means that you have to stop mid-poop in order to turn the toilet over to your kid so that you don’t wind up cleaning poop off the floor, which means you’ve missed the moment and wind up constipated for the next two days. Trust me…savor the pleasure of taking a shit by yourself while you can.

6. For the love of GOD…sleep as much as you possibly can and never feel guilty about it. I never realized just how incredible sleep was until I hadn’t really had any in three months. The sleep deprivation is just as bad as everyone says it is after you bring home a new baby. It sucks. It sucks REAL bad. Nothing can possibly prepare you for it, so just do us all a favor and sleep in and be a lazy ass now. Your time will come.

7. When your hubby does something really sweet and you look at him and think about how much you love him and how you are the luckiest girl in the world and you wonder how you ever lived without this man in your life, TAKE A MENTAL PHOTO of that moment. You’ll need it later. I don’t care who you are, at some point after bringing home a new baby, your husband WILL piss you off. But it’s not because he doesn’t love you or the baby or isn’t being a good husband, it’s because the whole experience of having a child is life changing and overwhelming for him too. Remember those moments of sheer bliss and call them up when you find yourself ready to scream “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE” at the top of your lungs. Because five minutes later, you’ll love him again. But you still probably won’t get laid.

8. Pick at least one day a week where you have an hour or two to be extremely bored. I mean, like REALLY bored, with nothing to do but stare at a blank wall. Do you know what I’d pay to be bored even for ten minutes? Boredom is GOOD. Though I really don’t remember what it feels like.

9. Enjoy your friends who don’t have kids now, because if you have kids before them, there is a good chance that you won’t really see them until THEY have kids. I’ve already said that your life totally changes after having a child, but what also changes is your “life’s STAGE.” When you have kids and your friends don’t, you go from having everything in common to practically nothing in common overnight. After I had my son, there was really only ONE of my non-kid friends who took a genuine interest in my life and my son, not because she HAD to, but because she cared about me that much. Savor your friends now…(though once your non-kid friends join the baby bandwagon, you do reconnect. I promise).

10. Never feel guilty about being selfish. The time right before you have kids is the last time that you CAN be selfish for the rest of your life. And milk your pregnancy for all it’s worth. Put your feet up. Let people wait on you hand and foot. Make requests and demands whenever possible. Because once that baby arrives…you’re fired. No one gives a shit about you anymore. No one, that is, except the incredible little munchkin who will no doubt, capture your heart and become the center of your world forever.

It’s all worth it, I promise!

NOW STOP READING BLOGS AND GO HAVE SOME SEX, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!

Comments

  1. 51
    Go Mommy says:

    This was great, I was laughing so hard reading this that my male co-worker asked me what was so funny, I shared it with him, he laughed too!!!

  2. 52
    mangiabella says:

    me and my hubs are laughing out loud at your post this morning – *stopping by via SITS* – although we had the pleasure of being married for 12 years before having our first child (we have a 2 yr old and an 8 month old now) and can laugh so heartily at your post and pearls of wisdom to those who need it, I can honestly say we were finally “ready” for kids by the time we had them, and are so loving this season of our life. Man who knew we would get so much laughter and joy from these little munchkins – and I try a whole lot not to sweat the small stuff, or get obsessive about staying on top of everything all the time, cause it sure all goes in fast forward! Although I miss the spontaneous freedoms sometimes, it is worth the concentrated effort to make “time” for more time with my spouse, and embrace this new season of our lives – and, I never say no to HELP!! haha! and I ain’t to proud to beg either LOL – such a treat to have discovered you via SITS – keep shining sweet bella, come visit me anytime in the blogosphere…

  3. 53
    JulieK says:

    Ahhh ha ha ha ha – you are too funny. And toooooo right!
    Especially loved the sleep part – it’s been 9 months and I am STILL only getting 4-5 hours at a time (IF THAT!). And the boredom part- would to GOD I could be bored again! :) (I would sleep then! haha).
    Soooo true!

  4. 54
    Joy says:

    Every one of these is oh so true! #4 made me laugh because I remember doing that and thinking that will not be me. Yeah, yeah it is me now. And it is okay that it is.

  5. 55
    Khara says:

    This list is fantastic! I think I’ll have to pass it along to my best friend!

  6. 56
    Kristy says:

    You speak the truth.

  7. 57
    Melissa says:

    Great post! Aahhh, the days…
    Don’t forget—Take long hot showers. I mean stand in there and let the water turn your skin red and wrinkly and only get out when the water starts to get cold. Because, once you have kids, showers are few and far between sometimes and ALWAYS interrupted. Nevermind that someone else needs a shower or bath and it is far more important than your own personal hygiene!

  8. 58

    ALL so very VERY true.

    Oh how I wish I had your manual before having kids. lol

  9. 59

    So, so, painfully true! If only someone could impart how true… I fear even after this, we still might not be taken seriously!

    I stop by periodically and am visiting today from TICS. Happy BFF!

  10. 60

    Do you mean like sex in the afternoon? Are you trying to tell me there are still people that have sex in the afternoon? I thought everyone stopped doing that about 5 years ago.

    Crap.

  11. 61
    MommaKiss says:

    Big Fan of lists like this. Especially when you’re out to eat and next to a table w/ kids. Sympathy then, Empathy now…

  12. 62
    Diana says:

    New follower thanks to Shell!

    I’m currently pregnant with our first together – you forgot that in the third trimester you are going to be too tired to even think about sex anyway.

    And when my husband’s son comes to visit us we may have been known to sneak into the bathroom for 5 minutes or so – hey desperate times call for desperate measures. Who needs romance anyway, right? :)

  13. 63

    OMG this is so true. Even as the kids get older, you are still too freakin tired for sex.

  14. 64
    Lindsey says:

    Oh my goodness… my husband and I having just started the process to adopt a toddler. This will be our first child, and I wanted to find a list of things to do before you have kids. I stumbled upon this website, and am so glad that I did! I was laughing like crazy at work, and am totally taking in everything that you have written. Thank you for your motherly words of wisdom… they are great!

  15. 65
    Kriste says:

    I hear ya sister! I wish someone had told us that!

  16. 66
    Lindsay says:

    Oh my gosh! This is so right on. I miss pooping by myself. *Sigh*

    Stopping by from SITS

  17. 67

    so wise! you really are some kind of “ologist”!
    happy SITS day!

  18. 68
    Lynn says:

    Hilarious! Happy SITS Day!!

  19. 69

    OH MY.
    This is brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing!!
    I am sending this to all my non-pregnant friends.

    (Happy Sits Day!)

  20. 70
    Astrid says:

    Haha, so funny. I’ll forward this to my fiance.

  21. 71

    Laughed out loud on this one, now I planning on showing this to my hubby before I follow your directions. We’re trying for kids, but I think I need to fit in #1 a few more times.

  22. 72
    Kimberly says:

    Absolutely positively truer words have never been spoken. And with such a flair for the funny! Have a great SITS day.

  23. 73
    Mommy Shorts says:

    This is an excellent post. God how I wish I knew that I was supposed to take advantage of boredom, poop time and television. I knew sex was going to be harder to come by. But not TV. I miss it.

  24. 74
    Date Girl says:

    I’m a newlywed and I definitely want to have kids someday. I have a few friends who are in that next “life stage” and I feel myself wanting babies. But then I read posts like this and it give me a nice little reality check. Now if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to go enjoy being bored, then go home and hump my hubby. Hehehe. :-) Great post! I laughed so hard at the poop entry. My hubby sometimes bugs me when I have to go twosies. I guess it’s kid in training ;-)

  25. 75

    I love your blog! Good information with a nice dose of humor!

  26. 76

    Furious head nodding and laughing at #1, #5 and #9. Bang on! Figuratively and literally.

  27. 77
    Maggie S. says:

    This is a darling post. So true. So very, very true. I will definitely be passing it on to some younger friends. Happy SITS day.

  28. 78
    sandra says:

    Well it has been a long time but I say how can you go wrong with that list. Love your stage…whatever it is. Congrats!

  29. 79
    Lindey says:

    I LOVE THIS POST more than words can express. I am not a mommy, I’m 26 and most of my friends are married, engaged or in serious relationships. Ok, not most … ALL but one. A lot of them are in some silly rush to get knocked up. I have a nephew who is 3.5 who I have been blessed to be very close to since he was born. In fact, I babysit him every friday night until Saturday afternoon. I wish I could explain to my friends to WAIT, there is no rush. This article hits on every point I would tell them. LOVE IT!

    • 80
      The Mommyologist says:

      I am SO happy that this post hit home for you! All of it is so true…nothing can prepare you for what happens after a baby arrives!!

  30. 81
    Pete says:

    I know this is an old list but I just happened across this and my wife and I are talking about starting a family… this list may have changed my mind, I think we’ll stay kid free for another year or two.

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  1. [...] couple of months ago I wrote a “Life’s Manual For Not Quote-Preggo Gals” to give future moms a little insight as to what they should do before they have kids. I have yet to [...]

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