A Life’s Manual For “Not-Quite-Preggo” Gals

Not too long ago, I had a nice little chat with a cute-as-a-button girl who just got married. And when I say cute-as-a-button, I actually mean totally gorgeous, with no dark circles or bags under her eyes, and a much cuter outfit than I could ever dream of pulling off. Basically, she had the classic look of a chick who doesn’t have kids yet.

I congratulated her on her marriage, and then told her to “enjoy her husband for a bit” because there is plenty of time in the future for kids. I told her to go out to dinner, travel, etc…you know…all those things that we never even had to question doing before our little bundles showed up.

And then she looked at me and said that she and her husband had been dating for seven years before they got hitched, and that they’ve already been out to dinner, already traveled, etc, and were already trying for a baby.

And all I wanted to do was look at her and say, “Oh no…you don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you. EVERYTHING changes after that baby arrives.”

I’ve been meaning to write this post since talking to her, and then I got even more inspired after reading this post from Shell at Things I Can’t Say.

May I present my Life’s Manual For “Not-Quite-Preggo” Gals:

1. Have sex NOW. Like a lot. Like all the time. And yes, having all that sex may possibly result in you getting knocked up sooner, but just have the sex anyway because it’s unscheduled sex. It’s un-tired sex. It’s uninterrupted sex. Pre-kid sex is having sex just for the hell of having sex, not having sex just because you haven’t had sex in two months and you figure you’d better have sex real quick before one of the kids wakes up. Trust me girls…go hump your man NOW.

2. Let’s talk about going out to dinner again. GO OUT TO DINNER. AT A NICE PLACE THAT REQUIRES RESERVATIONS. And make it a LONG dinner. Order a bottle of wine. Order an appetizer. Don’t put in your entree orders until after you’ve finished the appetizer and the bottle of wine. Order ANOTHER bottle of wine. Order dessert. And then go home and have lots of sex.

3. When you wake up in the morning after going out for that nice dinner, have sex again, and then park your ass on your couch with your man for the entire day and do nothing but watch TV, movies, etc. Only get up to use the bathroom, get more food from the kitchen, or if you feel the urge to have some more sex.

4. When you do go out to dinner with your hubby, and there is a couple at the table next to you with two kids who won’t stop whining and can’t seem to sit still, don’t roll your eyes at that couple. Don’t clear your throat and shoot them looks of disgust as they attempt to shove their food down their throats so that they can get the hell out of there as soon as possible. What you don’t know, is that they are looking at you and your pre-kid life with complete envy. They wish they were you. And they definitely aren’t having sex tonight. And before you know it, you will be THEM, so cut them some slack. Karma’s a bitch, ladies. Remember that.

5. Enjoy taking a poop in the privacy of your own bathroom with no one watching you, or yelling at you that your poop stinks, or telling you that they need to poop at that exact same moment, which means that you have to stop mid-poop in order to turn the toilet over to your kid so that you don’t wind up cleaning poop off the floor, which means you’ve missed the moment and wind up constipated for the next two days. Trust me…savor the pleasure of taking a shit by yourself while you can.

6. For the love of GOD…sleep as much as you possibly can and never feel guilty about it. I never realized just how incredible sleep was until I hadn’t really had any in three months. The sleep deprivation is just as bad as everyone says it is after you bring home a new baby. It sucks. It sucks REAL bad. Nothing can possibly prepare you for it, so just do us all a favor and sleep in and be a lazy ass now. Your time will come.

7. When your hubby does something really sweet and you look at him and think about how much you love him and how you are the luckiest girl in the world and you wonder how you ever lived without this man in your life, TAKE A MENTAL PHOTO of that moment. You’ll need it later. I don’t care who you are, at some point after bringing home a new baby, your husband WILL piss you off. But it’s not because he doesn’t love you or the baby or isn’t being a good husband, it’s because the whole experience of having a child is life changing and overwhelming for him too. Remember those moments of sheer bliss and call them up when you find yourself ready to scream “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE” at the top of your lungs. Because five minutes later, you’ll love him again. But you still probably won’t get laid.

8. Pick at least one day a week where you have an hour or two to be extremely bored. I mean, like REALLY bored, with nothing to do but stare at a blank wall. Do you know what I’d pay to be bored even for ten minutes? Boredom is GOOD. Though I really don’t remember what it feels like.

9. Enjoy your friends who don’t have kids now, because if you have kids before them, there is a good chance that you won’t really see them until THEY have kids. I’ve already said that your life totally changes after having a child, but what also changes is your “life’s STAGE.” When you have kids and your friends don’t, you go from having everything in common to practically nothing in common overnight. After I had my son, there was really only ONE of my non-kid friends who took a genuine interest in my life and my son, not because she HAD to, but because she cared about me that much. Savor your friends now…(though once your non-kid friends join the baby bandwagon, you do reconnect. I promise).

10. Never feel guilty about being selfish. The time right before you have kids is the last time that you CAN be selfish for the rest of your life. And milk your pregnancy for all it’s worth. Put your feet up. Let people wait on you hand and foot. Make requests and demands whenever possible. Because once that baby arrives…you’re fired. No one gives a shit about you anymore. No one, that is, except the incredible little munchkin who will no doubt, capture your heart and become the center of your world forever.

It’s all worth it, I promise!

NOW STOP READING BLOGS AND GO HAVE SOME SEX, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!

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