A Life’s Manual For “Not-Quite-Preggo” Gals

Not too long ago, I had a nice little chat with a cute-as-a-button girl who just got married. And when I say cute-as-a-button, I actually mean totally gorgeous, with no dark circles or bags under her eyes, and a much cuter outfit than I could ever dream of pulling off. Basically, she had the classic look of a chick who doesn’t have kids yet.

I congratulated her on her marriage, and then told her to “enjoy her husband for a bit” because there is plenty of time in the future for kids. I told her to go out to dinner, travel, etc…you know…all those things that we never even had to question doing before our little bundles showed up.

And then she looked at me and said that she and her husband had been dating for seven years before they got hitched, and that they’ve already been out to dinner, already traveled, etc, and were already trying for a baby.

And all I wanted to do was look at her and say, “Oh no…you don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you. EVERYTHING changes after that baby arrives.”

I’ve been meaning to write this post since talking to her, and then I got even more inspired after reading this post from Shell at Things I Can’t Say.

May I present my Life’s Manual For “Not-Quite-Preggo” Gals:

1. Have sex NOW. Like a lot. Like all the time. And yes, having all that sex may possibly result in you getting knocked up sooner, but just have the sex anyway because it’s unscheduled sex. It’s un-tired sex. It’s uninterrupted sex. Pre-kid sex is having sex just for the hell of having sex, not having sex just because you haven’t had sex in two months and you figure you’d better have sex real quick before one of the kids wakes up. Trust me girls…go hump your man NOW.

2. Let’s talk about going out to dinner again. GO OUT TO DINNER. AT A NICE PLACE THAT REQUIRES RESERVATIONS. And make it a LONG dinner. Order a bottle of wine. Order an appetizer. Don’t put in your entree orders until after you’ve finished the appetizer and the bottle of wine. Order ANOTHER bottle of wine. Order dessert. And then go home and have lots of sex.

3. When you wake up in the morning after going out for that nice dinner, have sex again, and then park your ass on your couch with your man for the entire day and do nothing but watch TV, movies, etc. Only get up to use the bathroom, get more food from the kitchen, or if you feel the urge to have some more sex.

4. When you do go out to dinner with your hubby, and there is a couple at the table next to you with two kids who won’t stop whining and can’t seem to sit still, don’t roll your eyes at that couple. Don’t clear your throat and shoot them looks of disgust as they attempt to shove their food down their throats so that they can get the hell out of there as soon as possible. What you don’t know, is that they are looking at you and your pre-kid life with complete envy. They wish they were you. And they definitely aren’t having sex tonight. And before you know it, you will be THEM, so cut them some slack. Karma’s a bitch, ladies. Remember that.

5. Enjoy taking a poop in the privacy of your own bathroom with no one watching you, or yelling at you that your poop stinks, or telling you that they need to poop at that exact same moment, which means that you have to stop mid-poop in order to turn the toilet over to your kid so that you don’t wind up cleaning poop off the floor, which means you’ve missed the moment and wind up constipated for the next two days. Trust me…savor the pleasure of taking a shit by yourself while you can.

6. For the love of GOD…sleep as much as you possibly can and never feel guilty about it. I never realized just how incredible sleep was until I hadn’t really had any in three months. The sleep deprivation is just as bad as everyone says it is after you bring home a new baby. It sucks. It sucks REAL bad. Nothing can possibly prepare you for it, so just do us all a favor and sleep in and be a lazy ass now. Your time will come.

7. When your hubby does something really sweet and you look at him and think about how much you love him and how you are the luckiest girl in the world and you wonder how you ever lived without this man in your life, TAKE A MENTAL PHOTO of that moment. You’ll need it later. I don’t care who you are, at some point after bringing home a new baby, your husband WILL piss you off. But it’s not because he doesn’t love you or the baby or isn’t being a good husband, it’s because the whole experience of having a child is life changing and overwhelming for him too. Remember those moments of sheer bliss and call them up when you find yourself ready to scream “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE” at the top of your lungs. Because five minutes later, you’ll love him again. But you still probably won’t get laid.

8. Pick at least one day a week where you have an hour or two to be extremely bored. I mean, like REALLY bored, with nothing to do but stare at a blank wall. Do you know what I’d pay to be bored even for ten minutes? Boredom is GOOD. Though I really don’t remember what it feels like.

9. Enjoy your friends who don’t have kids now, because if you have kids before them, there is a good chance that you won’t really see them until THEY have kids. I’ve already said that your life totally changes after having a child, but what also changes is your “life’s STAGE.” When you have kids and your friends don’t, you go from having everything in common to practically nothing in common overnight. After I had my son, there was really only ONE of my non-kid friends who took a genuine interest in my life and my son, not because she HAD to, but because she cared about me that much. Savor your friends now…(though once your non-kid friends join the baby bandwagon, you do reconnect. I promise).

10. Never feel guilty about being selfish. The time right before you have kids is the last time that you CAN be selfish for the rest of your life. And milk your pregnancy for all it’s worth. Put your feet up. Let people wait on you hand and foot. Make requests and demands whenever possible. Because once that baby arrives…you’re fired. No one gives a shit about you anymore. No one, that is, except the incredible little munchkin who will no doubt, capture your heart and become the center of your world forever.

It’s all worth it, I promise!

NOW STOP READING BLOGS AND GO HAVE SOME SEX, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!

Comments

  1. 1
    Sarah says:

    That was hilarious! You summed it all up and I found myself laughing way to loud during my son’s nap time. Thank you, I needed a good laugh today!

  2. 2

    As someone with no kids, this post scares me.

    It scares me quite a lot.

  3. 3
    Heather says:

    Um!! This is the best blog post I have read in awhile!! And I liked #5! That is extremely difficult with three toddlers in my house during the week!! OMG….ok, maybe tonight we’ll have sex! ;)

    Heather From and Mommy Only Has Two Hands! and Lynhea Designs

  4. 4

    Precisely!
    See ya!
    I’m off to get me some nooky!
    :)

  5. 5
    Courtney K. says:

    I wish someone would have given me this list BEFORE I got married…there are dozens of things that I would have loved to have done with my husband before our son came along.

  6. 6
    Venassa says:

    I have no children so this is a bit scary to me.. but very true! No kids until I travel and experience more!

  7. 7
    AZLB says:

    that was hilarious and so freaking true! Maybe I have time before the school bus gets here!

  8. 8

    I was one of those “not quite preggo gals” and I hated getting that advice from people..lol I was like the girl you spoke to..dated 7 years before getting married..and was 27…I traveled, slept, went out to dinner and did all that good stuff and people still told me to enjoy it and “wait” for kids. But how do you tell someone who wants kids so bad to wait? When we did decide to go for it I suffered a m/c, and then had trouble getting pregnant. Sometimes I wished I didn’t wait so long. I think “the grass is always greener on the other side” It’s great advice you gave..but there is only so long you can do all those things w/ your hubby alone if kids is what you are really hoping for…
    That being said I am due in about 4 weeks…so maybe I will be eating my words and will write a similar post as you did shortly! lol

  9. 9
    Jeannette says:

    I think I’m going to try some of these things even though our little guy is about to be one. We have a friend who has offered to watch him for a night and we haven’t taken her up on the offer… what is wrong with us!? lol Well… there isn’t really anywhere to go around here. If anything, I’d drop him off at her house and we would just relax on the couch without having to worry about bottles and naps.

  10. 10
    Stephanie says:

    You don’t know how much this made me laugh, which I NEEDED from my crazy mom bad day these past two days!! I barely remember the NON-kid days with my hubby and I sort of wished we waited a few more years but at the same time we’ll still be young when their in HS/college. I know we’ll get that time back….SEX SEX here I come! haha

  11. 11
    Evonne says:

    And after you have that poop in the bathroom by yourself, take the longest, hottest shower ever. You don’t even have too wash anything – just stand there! Because you can!

    When I’m done reading blogs, I will schedule sex in somewhere on my calendar. Sigh…

  12. 12
    SaucyB says:

    BRAVO! Excellent advice right down to the last letter. I was actually the last amongst my friends to have a kid and it did cause me to drift from them for a bit. But you are totally right that once I ‘caught up’ we re-connected.

  13. 13
    VandyJ says:

    Enjoy being able to make plans on the spur of the moment
    Enjoy leaving the house with only a (small) purse.
    Enjoy watching the TV/movie without interruption/noise/attacks from small people.
    Really do these things and have sex, the unplanned, spontaneous type.

  14. 14

    Love this! I wrote a post awhile ago- a letter to New Mom’s that hints at some of these very points. I left out the sex part though. But boy did you do a nice job of incorporating it. LOL!!! HAVE SEX!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. 15
    Shell says:

    Oh, how I wish someone had told me these things before I had babies! It’s all so freaking true.

    My brother and his new wife are already talking about kids and I want to yell at them and tell them to WAIT!!!

  16. 16
    Christine says:

    An excellent and hilarious read-thanks!

  17. 17
    Stacy says:

    This is the funniest thing that I have read in a loooong time! I’m days away from having baby number two so I’m sure to doubly appreciate this post soon.

    I was laughing the most at number five (should have been number two…!) because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked if I can just go to the bathroom in peace!

  18. 18
    Kasey says:

    Freakin’ hilarious! Such true advice! Life totally changes more than you can ever prepare yourself for. Shitting and showering by myself, on my schedule, is something I miss SO MUCH!

  19. 19
    Sili says:

    I LOVE IT! I was talking to my friend about this about a month ago and how the song didn’t lie when it said “a baby changes everything”.

    They are cute when they haven’t had kids yet (I know I haven’t had mine for long but I’ve been waiting to use that line!). I will forward this blog whenever possible.

  20. 20
    Purplume says:

    I enjoyed this very much. It makes me want to write a post on when you get retired.
    You get to do what you want with your day, again. And the people who think you have time on your hands and need them to fill that up with something can go take a hike, because you need some time to work up to sex.

  21. 21
    I'm THE Momma says:

    wow the truth is out there. why oh why didn’t you tell me this six ok more like seven years ago? can we pass this out at highschool graduations? PLEASE?

  22. 22
    Vi Nguyen says:

    haha, i love #5 & #9 is so true. it’s hard to connect with friends who don’t have kids.

    yes, sex is important and you gotta get as much in as you can because, believe me, I’m pregnant & I’m not getting much of anything right now! haha

  23. 23
    Theta Mom says:

    You just summed up why I write my blog – expressing all of the crap I wish someone would have sat me down and told me about this thing called motherhood. I so wish blogs were around before I got knocked up.

    Best post. EVER.

  24. 24
    Tricia says:

    Holy hell, that was freakin’ hilarious! And literally, I haven’t pooped in private for four years now. And the comments about the smell of said poop, and the interruptions so someone else can poop? SO TRUE!!! This post is so true, and I seriously think you should submit this to Babble, or Momversation…something. Because it’s BRILLIANT!

  25. 25

    This post is all kinds of awesome! I literally sat here and LMAO! I only wish I had come across it before I had a kid… ;)

  26. 26

    Couldn’t agree more! You have NO CLUE how much life changes until it happens to you!

  27. 27

    This post is all sorts of awesome. Especially #8. God I’d love to stare at a wall.

  28. 28

    Oh, Mary! Awesomeness! All of it. I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry at the truth behind it all.

  29. 29

    I’m with Melissa staring at walls sounds heavenly. And remembering our pre-kid dates that cocktail we had before the dinner with the nice bottle of wine was divine too. You’ve said it all and it is all so true!

  30. 30
    MommaResa says:

    OK, so I’ve been kinda jealous of those “not quite preggo gals” who got to travel, date, drink (not at frat parties) and all that. So I’m so looking forward to like.. 55, when my kids will be in college and I’ll travel and get no reason nooky (ya know, if I find a man by that time. Haha)

  31. 31

    This is an AWESOME post! And I so agree with everything (especially the sex, haha). Things change so much when you have kids. You need to take advantage of as much as you can before those little ones come, lol!

  32. 32
    harmskills says:

    love this. i wish i could sleep sleep and sleep some more.

  33. 33

    I think this is my ALL TIME favorite post that I’ve ever read! Seriously. Yesterday was a day of non-stop vomit and diarrhea in my house and so this post made me laugh until I cried.

    My child went through six outfits yesterday and I was opening windows and lighting candles to try to get the combination Resolve carpet cleaner/pig farm smell out of my house.

    Oh, and did I mention, my in-laws arrived from out of town yesterday to stay with us for the next five days! Thanks so much for the painfully honest truth :)

  34. 34
    Kmama says:

    This is a great list. I laughed at the pooping in private one, because it’s so true.

  35. 35
    mindy says:

    love love love this post!

  36. 36
    TVs Take says:

    How true, how true! Great website. Now following you.

  37. 37
    Ericka Clay says:

    You are in my head and I like it! The other day one of my non-mommy friends wrote a status update about being bored. I had to fight the overwhelming urge to stab her in the eye.

  38. 38

    Oh add to me the list of absofreakinlutely! So, so, so true. The life’s stage one is probably the most significant detail that I think people just don’t realize. It’s hard to maintain connections when you’re in the mommy stage with those who aren’t. Very very different worlds..

  39. 39
    liz says:

    LOVE this list! And I have the perfect younger sister of a good friend who NEEDS to read this!

    On a personal note, I was tweeting and emailing with Shell about Blissdom. I am going and she said you are, too! I really hope she gets a sponsor; I’d love to meet you both!

  40. 40
    Cheryl says:

    The sad thing is no one will listen. Because you get to the point when you’ve gone to enough dinners, sat through enough movies, watched enough TV, had enough (well, not really, but you know what i mean) sex, and you are ready for the next phase. Then you have kids, and THAT’S when you remember all the stuff you can’t do anymore (like poop without someone pounding on the door — yes, after child #3, you realize it’s OK to lock them out for #2). But who would trade it?

  41. 41
    Loukia says:

    All of this – this post – awesome! I wish someone had shown me this before I had kids!

  42. 42
    abbie says:

    This is awesome, so true and I am passing it along to all of my friends that are dying to have children right now!!

  43. 43
    Krista says:

    I have to tell you, I started reading thinking I was going to be a little put out. Husband & I also dated for seven years, so we ditched the birth control immediately. However, I was laughing out loud by point #5. I wish someone had given me this lists during our trying to get pregnant and being pregnant time.

  44. 44
    Micheline says:

    Love this post to death. Truly. I died and am typing this comment as a ghost.

    I’m the first of my friends to have a kid, so I want to send this to so many of them. But then again, I want them to have kids so that we can hang out more often. Such truth in your words!

  45. 45
    Glamamom says:

    Haha! This list is great. I could have used about um, 14 months ago :)

  46. 46
    Lindsay says:

    AMEN! You are so, so right on everything. I was laughing reading through this post because it is so spot on. I felt as if I wrote it. I love my life as a mommy, but I would have liked to have had this list about 3 years ago. I hope that adoreable newly-wed reads your blog!

  47. 47
    MyBabyBeluga says:

    This post was great! I couldn’t agree more!

  48. 48
    Kir says:

    seriously, I almost peed my pants reading this, I really did LAUGH OUT LOUD…..
    I can’t wait to link to this …and share it with everyone I know….

    just so that we can all giggle…and then remember we’re not getting LAID.

    xoxoxo

  49. 49
    Harmony says:

    I love it! That is absolutely hilarious and so true!

  50. 50
    Erin says:

    Why didn’t you write this post 13 months ago!? Damn you lol. I know where your mind is SEX! lol

    Such a great post!

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  1. [...] couple of months ago I wrote a “Life’s Manual For Not Quote-Preggo Gals” to give future moms a little insight as to what they should do before they have kids. I have yet to [...]

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