I Speak English, A Little French, And I’m Fluent In Bullshit

Ok, so since I started this blog a little over a year ago…most of you have gotten to know me pretty well. You know that I’m not afraid of discussing shit at the dinner table. You know that shaking my ass is at the top of my list of extracurricular activities, and you also know that I get paid to talk about celebrity smut all day long.

What you probably don’t know about me is that in addition to speaking English and the tiny bit of French I’ve retained from high school, I’m also fluent in the language of bullshit. And I’m talking about the bullshit that parents put out there to try and make sense of the fact that their kids have completely turned their lives upside down and given them grey hairs in places where the sun don’t shine. You know…the LIES PARENTS TELL to hide what is really going on.

May I present…

The Mommyologist’s Parental Bullshit Translator

Bullshit Statement #1: “Our little angel never cries…ever!”

Translation: “Holy motherf*&ing SHIT. This kid never shuts up. EVER. Oh for the love of GOD…get me some friggin’ earplugs before I’m catatonic in the corner crying for my own mother. I can’t take it anymore.”

Bullshit Statement #2: “My hubby is an absolutely DREAM with the new baby! I never lift a finger and he gets up with her every night!”

Translation: “I seriously can’t believe I married this prick. He hasn’t done one middle-of-the-night feeding, or changed one shitty diaper since this kid came home from the hospital. Now I understand why people get divorced.”

Bullshit Statement #3: “I was back in my skinny jeans the day after I left the hospital with this little munchkin!”

Translation: “F*&k you, I’m skinny because I’m blessed with an incredibly perfect gene pool. But I’m insecure in other areas so I choose to boost my own self-esteem by making you feel like a Twinkie-loving cow.”

Bullshit Statement #4: “Tomorrow is our 6-week post-partum check up at the OBGYN! I hope he gives us the ok to have sex again!”

Translation: “Holy shit. Tomorrow is our 6-week post-partum check up. That means that this asshole I’m living with is going to expect sex again. I just spent over 24-hours pushing a living thing out of my cha-cha, and the last thing I want to do is stick something back in there again. Oh for the love of GOD. If I don’t have sex with him tomorrow night, then he’s going to expect something else. Help me.”

Bullshit Statement #5: “I guess I’m lucky…I’m one of those women who doesn’t get tired, so getting up three times a night doesn’t even phase me!”

Translation: “I’m hallucinating due to lack of sleep, and I’m speaking gibberish. Just ignore me.”

Bullshit Statement #6: “My little prince listens to every single word I say! He never talks back, and he always minds his manners, because that’s what I’ve taught him to do!”

Translation: “Earlier today, this little rugrat stuck his tongue out at me, called me a poopyhead, and then proceeded to shove his finger up his nose, pull out a fresh picked booger, and wipe it on my leg. Stick a fork in me…I’m DONE.”

Bullshit Statement #7: “My kids always eat their vegetables at every meal, and they have NEVER had one grain of sugar.”

Translation: “If you consider sweet potato flavored Gerber puffs to be vegetables, then my kids eat veggies at every meal. And last night, after they polished off a cansiter each of puffs as they were screaming and kicking each other under the table, I shoved a rice krispie treat in each of their mouths so that I could manage to make a thirty-second phone call to the hubby to tell him to pick up more vodka on his way home from work.”

Bullshit Statement #8: “I don’t drink” or “I have never even thought about drinking since I had a kid.”

Translation: “Fix me a friggin’ martini before I either break down and cry or piss my pants from total lack of control.”

Bullshit Statement #9: “We’re having so much fun figuring out this whole parenting thing together!!”

Translation: “This kid is four months old, and we still have no idea what in the hell we’re doing. And it’s a miracle that we’re still sleeping in the same bedroom. Oh my GOD…what in the hell happened to our lives??”

Bullshit Statement #10: “I felt SO sexy while I was giving birth!”

Translation: “How did I feel while I gave birth? How do you think I felt, genius? Everyone in the room was staring at my crotch, which hadn’t been shaved in like two months because my belly was too big for me to see what I was doing as far as grooming goes, I farted uncontrollably in front of the hot anesthesiologist, I almost shat on the table, and then there was that whole episiotomy thing. Yeah…I was one sexy bitch, alright!”

Comments

  1. 51
    Sheila says:

    Just found ya..love the blog!!

    Come say hi :)

    Sheila

    ps…am your newest follower :)

  2. 52
    Scary Mommy says:

    I love it. LOVE. And we speak the same language- except I never bother with the bullshit. Too exhausting. :)

  3. 53
    Mommyfriend says:

    Aha ahahahaha! This is why you rule sister!

  4. 54
    Courtney K. says:

    How have I not read this post? I am laughing uncontrollably as I read this! I hate moms who try to pass off that kind of garbage. We all know they are full of it.

  5. 55

    I am cracking up! You knocked these out of the park.
    Thanks for visiting me during today’s SITS Sharefest. It’s nice to meet you!

  6. 56
    Cathy Dean says:

    It was 20 years ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday thanks to your bullshit translator. Thanks for making me laugh ot loud and good on you for telling it like it is. I found my way here from SITS and I’m glad I did :-)

  7. 57
    Jolene says:

    This is so true!!!! Thank you for the laughs tonight!! loving this blog

  8. 58
    RoryBore says:

    Oh thank you, thank you!! I have 3 kids and myself all sick this week and I sooo needed a laugh! I too have often wished someone had told me “straight up” that parenting was not all sunshine and rainbows. But I guess it’s true, if you want the rainbow – you gotta put up with a little bit of rain!

  9. 59

    loved it. you stuff is so funny

  10. 60
    LakeMom says:

    This is absolutely hilarious! The one that always makes me wince (and I’ve heard it a few times) is “Our life hasn’t really changed that much.” HA!

  11. 61
    Mc's Baby Mama says:

    I just found your blog, and I have laughed. So glad I found you. : )

  12. 63
    Stefanie Hawkins says:

    Did you get “cha-cha” from Miss Maggie? after a full day of teller training I really needed a good laugh. Thanks Cuz!

  13. 65
    Tabitha says:

    I love you! This needs to be framed and displayed at every baby shower! It’s as if you read my mind, thank you for letting me know that “I’m not the only one”!

  14. 66
    Brandy says:

    LMAO!!! omg, I LOOVE YOU!! this is soo effin funny…cuz its true!!!

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