“Mom Sexy won’t happen overnight…but it will happen…”
That’s what I say to brand new moms who look at me and ask, “Am I ever going to feel like myself again? I had this kid four months ago…why am I still wearing maternity clothes? How in the hell did you ever get your body back, Mary?”
And again, I repeat, “Mom Sexy won’t happen overnight…but it will happen…”
Right after I had my son, I came home from the hospital with what I like to call “delusions of MILF-ness.” I figured that because I had successfully popped out a human being, that my body would just magically go, “Oh, ok, we aren’t preggo anymore…time to break out the pre-baby clothes!”
Um…yeah…that didn’t exactly happen.
I gained a good 50 pounds while I was pregnant with my son. Before I conceived, I weighed about 130 pounds. When I checked into the hospital to give birth, I weighed in around 180. And after 24-hours of labor and squeezing an 8-pound kid out of my cha-cha, I couldn’t wait to hop on the scale when I came home to see that the majority of the weight had magically disappeared. And I was in complete and total shock when the number on the scale at home read 185. I GAINED WEIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL. Who in the hell GAINS weight after delivering a child?
The reality of post-partum Mom Sexy is that at first…it really isn’t sexy at all. I’m sure there are a few chicks who will argue otherwise and will say that the sexiest they ever felt was the day they came home from the hospital after giving birth, but I think it’s safe to assume that the majority of gals reading this will agree with me.
After all, it’s kind of hard to feel sexy when you’re walking like you have a stick up your ass after having your hoo-hoo practically ripped in two, squeezing your butt cheeks together to keep the Tucks medicated pad from falling out of your crack, and changing your shirt ten times a day because the nipple pads you got on sale aren’t worth a shit as far as absorbency goes.
And if I wasn’t feeling disgusted enough with the strange substances that were oozing out of every orifice of my body after delivering my son…I had to torture myself by picking up a few magazines at the store featuring brand new celebrity moms on the cover, all glowing and shit with their newborns. (And honestly, I don’t even know why in the hell I bought the damn magazines because I had no time to read them in between diaper explosions and all-night screaming fits).
As I picked them up to read them, with delusions-of-MILFness still running around in my head…here are a couple examples of what I saw:
If the hubster and I had been pictured on the cover of PEOPLE after bringing home our son, somebody probably would’ve arrested one or both of us. I looked like I had two black eyes from total lack of sleep, and my face looked like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. And in the photo, I probably would’ve been trying to strangle the hubster instead of looking lovingly at our son.
On to the Gisele Bundbitch photo. I totally could’ve posed for the same photo as Gisele and looked comparable to her…except for the fact that my little dude’s foot would’ve been propped up on the extra layers of skin and fat that still surrounded my mid-section.
Images like this are what make post-partum Mom Sexy so much harder for the rest of us “normal” gals. They set an unrealistic expectation of how women are supposed to look and feel after giving birth…which is one of the most amazing, yet hardest things we will ever do in our lives. And then we look at those images and put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to get back to pre-baby form as soon as possible.
And the worst part is that these photos are put out there to DELIBERATELY make us look at ourselves and wonder why in the hell we don’t look as MILF-y as those celebrities. They WANT us to be jealous. They WANT us to feel bad. They WANT to rub it in our faces that our MILF-ness is a LONG way off.
And this is the point in this post where I really put myself out there….because THIS is the reality of post-partum Mom Sexy.
I am not ashamed of that photo, and I’m not embarrassed to show it to the whole world…because it’s REALITY. All of those magazine covers of celebrities post-baby…are BULLSHIT.
It took me a good nine months to a year to get back to looking and feeling like ME again after having my son. And I’m happy to report that almost five years later…I’m feeling better about myself than I EVER have in my entire life.
“Mom Sexy won’t happen overnight…but it WILL happen.”
Hang in there, girls.