A Life’s Manual For New Dads: (Read This If You Ever Want To Get Laid Again)

A couple of months ago I wrote a “Life’s Manual For Not Quite-Preggo Gals” to give future moms a little insight as to what they should do before they have kids. I have yet to publish my “Life’s Manual For New Moms”, but I assure you it’s on the way in the future. In the meantime, here’s a little light reading for brand new dads. I suggest that you print this out for your husband if he ever plans on getting laid again.

A Life’s Manual For New Dads Who Really Want To Get Laid

1. Don’t expect sex from your wife a few weeks after she gives birth. Need a little more perspective than that? Imagine someone taking your nut sack and trying to separate each testicle and tuck each one behind your ears. Would you still want to get busy? I didn’t think so.

2. You know that advice your mother gave you about what and what not to do with the new baby? NEWS FLASH: Your wife doesn’t give a shit. Let her do things HER way and take her side when she asks you which way you think is better. Remember who you’re married to.

3. Do not under any circumstances make a comment about the mesh panties your wife wore home from the hospital, or the Tuck’s medicated pad that’s squished between her butt cheeks. She’s never felt less sexy in her entire life, and she doesn’t need any reminders from you about the funky shit that is still going on in her nether regions. Make it a point to remind her that you still think she’s the hottest bitch on the block.

4. Invest in a good pair of ear plugs, because you’re gonna need them. And the number one reason you’re gonna need them is not because of incessant crying from your newborn. It’s to drown out the insults and exclamations of hate that will likely come from your wife’s mouth. And no, she really doesn’t think that you’re a complete and total asshat. She’s just overwhelmed, exhausted, and may I reiterate that either her cha-cha was nearly split in two or she had her stomach muscles sliced open while delivering your kid. Suck it up and take it like a man.

5. When in doubt and you have no idea what in the hell to say to whatever ridiculous thing your wife has just told you, all you need to remember are two words, “Yes, dear.” Don’t say anything more or anything less, otherwise you run the risk of her bringing it up while discussing whether or not to have sex at a later date. And I’m assuming that you want to have sex, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this post.

6. Want to be named “New Dad of the Year?” Offer to get up with the baby at night a few times a week so that your wife can get some extra sleep. And after you’ve been up with the baby, bounce right out of bed the next morning singing the “Good Morning” song and act like you aren’t tired at all. Trust me…she will NOT forget this. (Do this and you may even get laid twice in one night once she’s feeling like her old self again).

7. Make sure to have a take-out menu handy from every restaurant in a ten mile radius. A sure fire way to kill her desire to play hide the sausage is by asking, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Use that statement too many times and you definitely won’t be getting any “dessert.”

8. Yet another NEWS FLASH: Babies SHIT. They shit A LOT. And it’s only half-true that baby shit doesn’t stink when it comes out of your kid. Don’t act like you’ve just discovered the lost city of Atlantis when your baby has a blow-out and you open the diaper. Don’t ask your wife to come see what just came out of your baby’s ass…trust me…she KNOWS. She actually knew way ahead of time and that’s why she told you it was your turn to change junior. Just strap a sack on and focus on the task at hand.

9. Your wife knows you work hard and she is eternally grateful for all you do for the family. But while you were at work, you also got to eat lunch, take a shit, and talk to another adult without being interrupted by a pint-size poop machine who may or may not have just barfed in your hair. When you get home from work, take the baby, and ask your wife if she wants to go lay down for a bit, take a shower, or just sit and stare at a blank wall for 20 minutes. Good grief…I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about a man doing that for me as a new mom. Do it for your wife and moms everywhere will want to fu*& you. (Wink, wink)!

10. Remember that your wife may be a mom now, but she’s also YOUR GIRL. She’s the girl that you couldn’t wait to kiss on your first date. She’s the girl you used to lay awake at night and think about. She’s the girl who you used to call at midnight, “just to say I love you one more time.” And just because there is a munchkin in the picture now doesn’t mean that girl has disappeared. She’s in there somewhere underneath the dark circles under her eyes, drool-soaked shirt, and all of the exhaustion. But as a mom, it’s easy for her to forget that she’s still “that girl.” And when you remind her that you haven’t forgotten who she is?

Bring on the horny.

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