A Life’s Manual For New Dads: (Read This If You Ever Want To Get Laid Again)

A couple of months ago I wrote a “Life’s Manual For Not Quite-Preggo Gals” to give future moms a little insight as to what they should do before they have kids. I have yet to publish my “Life’s Manual For New Moms”, but I assure you it’s on the way in the future. In the meantime, here’s a little light reading for brand new dads. I suggest that you print this out for your husband if he ever plans on getting laid again.

A Life’s Manual For New Dads Who Really Want To Get Laid


1. Don’t expect sex from your wife a few weeks after she gives birth. Need a little more perspective than that? Imagine someone taking your nut sack and trying to separate each testicle and tuck each one behind your ears. Would you still want to get busy? I didn’t think so.

2. You know that advice your mother gave you about what and what not to do with the new baby? NEWS FLASH: Your wife doesn’t give a shit. Let her do things HER way and take her side when she asks you which way you think is better. Remember who you’re married to.

3. Do not under any circumstances make a comment about the mesh panties your wife wore home from the hospital, or the Tuck’s medicated pad that’s squished between her butt cheeks. She’s never felt less sexy in her entire life, and she doesn’t need any reminders from you about the funky shit that is still going on in her nether regions. Make it a point to remind her that you still think she’s the hottest bitch on the block.

4. Invest in a good pair of ear plugs, because you’re gonna need them. And the number one reason you’re gonna need them is not because of incessant crying from your newborn. It’s to drown out the insults and exclamations of hate that will likely come from your wife’s mouth. And no, she really doesn’t think that you’re a complete and total asshat. She’s just overwhelmed, exhausted, and may I reiterate that either her cha-cha was nearly split in two or she had her stomach muscles sliced open while delivering your kid. Suck it up and take it like a man.

5. When in doubt and you have no idea what in the hell to say to whatever ridiculous thing your wife has just told you, all you need to remember are two words, “Yes, dear.” Don’t say anything more or anything less, otherwise you run the risk of her bringing it up while discussing whether or not to have sex at a later date. And I’m assuming that you want to have sex, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this post.

6. Want to be named “New Dad of the Year?” Offer to get up with the baby at night a few times a week so that your wife can get some extra sleep. And after you’ve been up with the baby, bounce right out of bed the next morning singing the “Good Morning” song and act like you aren’t tired at all. Trust me…she will NOT forget this. (Do this and you may even get laid twice in one night once she’s feeling like her old self again).

7. Make sure to have a take-out menu handy from every restaurant in a ten mile radius. A sure fire way to kill her desire to play hide the sausage is by asking, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Use that statement too many times and you definitely won’t be getting any “dessert.”

8. Yet another NEWS FLASH: Babies SHIT. They shit A LOT. And it’s only half-true that baby shit doesn’t stink when it comes out of your kid. Don’t act like you’ve just discovered the lost city of Atlantis when your baby has a blow-out and you open the diaper. Don’t ask your wife to come see what just came out of your baby’s ass…trust me…she KNOWS. She actually knew way ahead of time and that’s why she told you it was your turn to change junior. Just strap a sack on and focus on the task at hand.

9. Your wife knows you work hard and she is eternally grateful for all you do for the family. But while you were at work, you also got to eat lunch, take a shit, and talk to another adult without being interrupted by a pint-size poop machine who may or may not have just barfed in your hair. When you get home from work, take the baby, and ask your wife if she wants to go lay down for a bit, take a shower, or just sit and stare at a blank wall for 20 minutes. Good grief…I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about a man doing that for me as a new mom. Do it for your wife and moms everywhere will want to fu*& you. (Wink, wink)!

10. Remember that your wife may be a mom now, but she’s also YOUR GIRL. She’s the girl that you couldn’t wait to kiss on your first date. She’s the girl you used to lay awake at night and think about. She’s the girl who you used to call at midnight, “just to say I love you one more time.” And just because there is a munchkin in the picture now doesn’t mean that girl has disappeared. She’s in there somewhere underneath the dark circles under her eyes, drool-soaked shirt, and all of the exhaustion. But as a mom, it’s easy for her to forget that she’s still “that girl.” And when you remind her that you haven’t forgotten who she is?

Bring on the horny.

Comments

  1. 1

    holy crap…bring on the horny is the cherry on this sundae!

    I love staring at blank walls, btw!

  2. 2
    Jessica says:

    Oh the mesh panties… the icing on the sexy figure after having a baby cake.

    Love this post!

  3. 3
    RoryBore says:

    Oh man, I wish I had this article way back when! Although, since we have 3 children, he obviously did something right, at some point. LOL. Sure-fire way to find out how much of a baby you’re married to….is to have one!
    P.S Men….helping, but grumbling about it the entire time?? Doesn’t count. The only thing worse than acting like your mother…..is inducing guilt trips worthy of HER mother.

  4. 4
    Sarah says:

    I’m emailing this link to my husband right now! And thank you for this post- I thought I was the only one that brought home the hospital’s entire stock of mesh panties.
    Also, the “your girl” statement couldn’t have been said better.

  5. 5
    Marcie says:

    I definitely remember the mesh panties…The “What’s for dinner” is so funny…Great advice for new dads!

  6. 6
    Vi Nguyen says:

    haha, you r too hilarious & speak the real truth! LOVE #3 (so funny & true), #9 (i feel bad for making him take care of the baby after work but u do give valid reasons why i shouldn’t feel bad haha), & #10 (def need my husband to read this!).

  7. 7
    C.Mom says:

    I am almost afraid to show this to Rocket as we get ready to start “trying.” Too funny!!!

  8. 8
    Courtney K. says:

    This is probably one of my all time favorite posts from you. Men everywhere should get copies of this when they leave the hospital with their exhausted wife and poop-filled child. Excellent look at what women REALLY want.

  9. 9

    #10, #10, #10 and all the others, but especially #10!!!

  10. 10
    Jessica says:

    I love this post. I wish you would have written it two years ago so I could have given it to my husband to read.

  11. 11
    Kate says:

    Oh goodness…now I’m wondering why I ever want more kids after having to remember those damn mesh panties!

    I remember is the hospital my husband told a visitor in the room that he wasn’t sure how he felt about “being the only member of his family not wearing diapers.” ha.ha. I did laugh though, the visitor did not appreciate his sense of humor!

  12. 12

    Holy shit. This is fucking hilarious. It’s all true, too. My husband did a handful of those things including complain about not having sex. Face punch.

  13. 13
    B says:

    I think you may have just saved a lot of new dads!

  14. 14

    hot diggity, girl! you nailed it! can I print this, sign it and give it to my hubby?

  15. 15

    I love number 1, I love people who use my fave word-asshat, and I actually love the mesh panties from the hospital….hey-after getting my belly sliced open four times to retrieve various offspring they’re pretty damn comfy

  16. 16
    Emma says:

    Brilliant post! Will be e-mailing this to a few men that I know with new babies or pregnant wives!!!

  17. 17

    I actually read this…and then I read it again. For men it’s almost impossible for us to relate what a woman goes through before, during and after child birth. We NEED women to tell us these things! Straight up like you did is the preferred method because this needs to sink in for a lot of men before they become dads.

  18. 18

    My coffee is now running down my chin, and on my shirt.
    Thankfully it’s iced, not hot. Holy shit this was hilarity.
    True, but absolute hilarity. :)

  19. 19
    Crystal says:

    That’s hilarious. Actually, men should get a print out of this before they leave the hospital with new baby. It would save A LOT of fights!!

  20. 20
    Shell says:

    #10 is my fav. B/c I don’t want to be thought of as just a mom.

  21. 21

    #8 kills me, because my husband always feels the need to call me and tell what was in the diaper, and how difficult it was to change, and oh yeah, how I have never seen anything like this. I am a SAHM with two under three, I have seen all sizes, shapes, and colors….just change it.

  22. 22
    gigi says:

    I.love.this.Mary.

    My husband was great in a lot of ways after the birth of our oldest – got up and fed the kid, did his share of changing diapers. But the one thing that still annoys me? Moments after giving birth, I really wanted Chili’s takeout. I had told him that BEFORE having the baby.

    He says, “I’m just so exhausted from the day today, I am going to get you Whataburger instead.”

    Exhausted? Really? I was feeling fresh and frisky after being ripped open in half! Sure, ignore the request and get me Whataburger.

    He’ll never live that one down, seriously. he still owes me something. Like an iPad.

  23. 23

    Oh the mesh panties. Those were my lifesaver in and right out of the hospital! Love this post! I need to forward it to my husband ASAP!

  24. 24
    Angela says:

    # 9 was big in our house, my husband always came home and started cleaning, which pissed me off cuz not only have I not been able too clean the house, I haven’t showered, eaten, or sat down without out child attached to my boob in days… Take the baby and let me do at least one of those things lol.

  25. 25
    Glamamom says:

    They should give these tips out at the hospital when you’re discharged ;)

  26. 26

    You KILL me!! LOL!!!! Bring on the horny! I love the nuck sack reference…try not getting laid for months…perhaps years!

  27. 27

    I absolutely loved this post. It is all very true. I pretty much told my hubby if you want dinner fix it your damn self, if you want clean clothes wash them, if you want a clean house clean it but I have more important things to worry about like feeding, changing and nurturing our baby.

  28. 28

    Very Funny! But great advice!

  29. 29
    Natalie says:

    Mary this is absolutely hilarious!! But now I’m thinking because I hear “Yes Dear” a lot ;)

    I’m including this on my Saturday post of favorite posts I found throughout the week. Thanks for the much needed laugh!

  30. 30

    Also – they need to remember that it’s NOT easy to transition from drooled on nursing mama of a demanding infant into hot sexy MILF.

    It does take longer than 4.2 seconds and sometimes a little help easing into it would be nice. lol

  31. 31
    Miranda H. says:

    i am going to be bookmarking this for my husband to read

  32. 32
    Jene says:

    LOVE IT! ALL of it. Especially number 3. I shudder at the thought of those undies.

  33. 33
    abbie says:

    I would have given ANYTHING for #6. Especially the second part. It drove me NUTS that when I did ask him to take on one or two wake ups throughout a week he would grumble and complain about how tired he was. Of course he would follow it with, but I don’t mind at all getting up and am happy to do it. But none of that rang true when I saw the look on his face and behavior in the morning after he had to get up once during a night (keeping in mind that I had probably been up two or three additional times that night!).

  34. 34
    Kristy says:

    I freakin love your lists. You know everyone everywhere is shouting a resounding Hallelujar!!

  35. 35

    Hilarious, but so true! You are always spot on with these lists!

  36. 36
    Helene says:

    Holy shit, girlfriend! I’m gonna print out this list and give it to my husband, even though it’s been like almost 7 years since I gave birth to our 1st set of twins.

    He STILL gets pissed that I tell the kids that Daddy is on vacation Mon-Fri from 8-5. They’re like, “Daddy, do you have to leave for your vacation again this morning?”…LMAO!! And I tell him, “Dude, I’m sorry but you get to sit on your ass for an entire 8 hours surfing the web for a living, you get to eat lunch out every single day wherever and whenever you want, you can go to the bathroom the minute your bladder or your colon shout “READY” and you have the luxury of hearing your own thoughts run through your head….you really wanna argue with me about what’s work vs a vacation?!”

    See, there’s the MAIN reason why he hasn’t gotten laid pretty much since our 2nd set of twins were born. He needs to read your list.

  37. 37
    Angie says:

    Amen.

  38. 38
    Adrienne says:

    Oh man! You had me cracking me up at #1 and they just kept getting better! All soooo trur! Great job! :)

  39. 39
    Adrian says:

    As a 38-year-old guy whose wife is entering her second trimester, I read this post with a bit of LOL and a bit of OMG. While not particularly scared about my future as a father, it is something I think about a lot and, well, I’ve been doing more than a fair share of “research” into what the Future holds. This post, although perhaps directed at an audience post-birth, was an enjoyable read nonetheless for me, a future father. Thank you. (PS: I also really enjoyed reading the responses from all those moms! I shall take this advice to heart.)

  40. 40
    Mike says:

    Was this article really written for men, or as a way to get other women to say “hell yes!”? Some men respond well to condescending lectures…I’m just not one of them. The information may be true and should definitely be considered, but the delivery needs to a little less, um, bitchy. Not all guys are ape-like dopes who have no clue about the basic things every woman wants. Just sayin’. :)

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