I do my best to maintain my Mom Sexy, but I’m the first person to admit that I’m no spring chicken. The Mommyologist is getting older…and here are 10 ways to tell if you are too.
You are definitely getting older if:
1. You refuse to get within 100 feet of an Abercrombie and Fitch store for two reasons: a.) It’s just way too damn loud. b.) It smells way too much like your high school boyfriend, which makes you stop and wonder what the hell ever happened to him, which then makes you wonder why the hell you ever went out with him in the first place and why it took you a year and a half to get over a guy who dropped you like a bad habit as soon as he got back to boarding school. (The high school boyfriend is totally hypothetical…of course).
2. You start referring to the people on The Real World as “kids”, and throughout the show, you say, “That’s disgusting!” at least ten times, and you gag at least five times.
3. You are no longer embarrassed to purchase tampons, even when the cashier who rings you up at the grocery store is a 15-year old kid. Somewhere around age 28, you realized that you do indeed, have a vagina, and it is perfectly acceptable to menstruate. And it’s also perfectly acceptable to say the word “vagina” out loud. VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!
4. You realize that you are old enough to be Justin Bieber’s mother. ‘Nuff said.
5. When someone talks about something that happened 20 years ago, you can actually remember where you were and what you were doing 20 years ago. And chances are it involved either Abercrombie and Fitch, your menstruating vagina, or some strange combination of the two.
6. Gone are the days when you consider your parents to be a real drag. Your parents are still your parents, but they’re now also your best friends. And your parents’ best friends are still your parents’ best friends, but now you consider them your friends too, not just your parents’ friends. And nine times out of ten you’d rather hang out with your parents and your parents’ friends who are now also your friends than anyone else.
7. You catch yourself getting annoyed and rolling your eyes at teenagers who are giggling and having fun at the mall, because in your opinion, they are just creating unnecessary noise. Especially the ones who are lingering outside of Abercrombie and Fitch. (NEWS FLASH: Those teenagers are rolling their eyes at you too. They think you are pathetic and old, and they vow never to look like you when they are your age. After all, they’ll still be shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch and be hip to the latest trends, right)?
8. On any given Saturday evening, you find yourself getting a little bit giddy after realizing that Celebrity Ghost Stories has a new episode on the Biography Channel, and right after that, there is a documentary on how the states got their names on the History Channel. Break out the boxed wine baby…it’s gonna be a seriously bitchin’ night!
9. The thought of going to a frat party makes you want to douse your entire body in hand sanitizer and put on a gas mask. Let’s face it…if the memory of the stench of stale beer and man sweat doesn’t make you a bit nostalgic for your college days, then you are definitely over the hill.
10. You will talk about shit with anyone, and by shit I do mean poop, and by anyone, I do mean ANYONE. If you can admit to a random person of the opposite sex that the chicken you ate for dinner had you up with the runs all night, then you are seriously an OLD FART. No pun intended.
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All so, so true. I think I’d add the fact that I no longer care who see’s my body and it’s in the worse shape it’s EVER been – I guess having a baby and breastfeeding forces you to have ZERO inhibitions … and yes, I have become one of those mum’s who strip down in the changing rooms at the swimming pool without really caring – a decade ago I would gag at people like myself. *SIGH*
Isn’t it a great feeling just to be comfortable with yourself? Love it!
I am so glad I am old. I love being the age I am now.
I love my age now too!
HILARIOUS & so very true
Love it!
Thanks so much my friend!
I’m laughing at #1. The smell of A&F makes me want to run away!
Isn’t it awful? Most overpowering smell EVER.
Ah, crap. I’m old.
But that thought was slammed home a couple of weeks ago when I started going to a localy gym — trying to get the Mom Sexy back — and it was full of grunting, sweaty, young men and their straining muscles. And yet my eyes moved right past them to the TV hanging above the ellipitical…….Ellen was on!! Yeah.
I am such a married, and old spud.
That’s what I would be focused on too! Man sweat gives me the heebie jeebies. Ick!
This are all so true!!! Great post!
Thank you! I’m embracing my age at this point!
So true! And number 8? That may or may not have been me this past weekend.
Don’t worry…I won’t tell anyone!
Laughing hysterically! Especially about the whole Abercrombie and Fitch boyfriend, been there done that and he did smell good. Just not good for me!
And talking to anyone…yeah I have found myself at the pool lately talking to random moms about everything. Ahh…its good to be free!
You are so right…it does feel nice to be able to talk about anything!
I am LOL about number 1. Mainly because at some point in the beginning of our relationship I told my husband that my ex boyfriend always wore “Fierce” cologne from A&F and the smell of it reminded me of highschool. About a week later, he went and bought a bottle of it and has been wearing it ever since. The man is almost 30 and looks ABSURD walking into Abercrombie. I giggle everytime I think about it.
I think my boyfriend wore Woods? Most guys did at that time!
my secret shame is RW/RR Challenge, and yes, I call them kids…
and my hot night? Swamp People marathon baby!
oh, and I know I’m old because I can sling my boobs over my shoulders
LOL!! Love your addition!! I need to catch up on a couple Challenge episodes. Love that show!
Oh my mom will call me and tell me all about her bowel habits. I am like MOM seriously.. I hope I never do that NEVER..
I hope I never do that either! Older people love to talk about it for whatever reason though.
Oh yes, definitely old. I can’t even get within 50 feet of Abercrombie- waaaaay too loud!
It’s SO loud. Beyond ridiculous!
Hilarious! If I might add a #11:
You have to ask anyone under the age of 18 to explain their terminology at least once in every conversation. My husband has a younger brother who is 17 and I swear sometimes I have no idea what he is saying.
oh these are SO true. I really identify with the Abecrombie & Fitch thing. That store STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN. I can get a headache from just walking past it.
I have a headache just thinking about it!!
Oh gosh I love it… is it a bad sign if I see myself in a few of theses signs… and i am only 21
LOL! Too funny!
LOL! Love this post. I can still deal with A & F but the idea of fraternity parties….eeewww! Why did I ever go to those? I honestly can’t remember the reasons!
I was at frat parties every weekend and have no CLUE how I did it!
Oh Lawd – these are almost all me. I’m doomed. And #8? Yeah, that’s me every night.
I wonder what I can add to the list in another 10 years?
Haha! So true!
I’d like to add that you are old when your 18 year old & his girlfriend seem like they are 12. Everything they say is irritating because it’s the most immature, ridiculous word vomit you’ve ever heard. And then you look at your mother and apologize profusely if you ever behaved like them!
LMAO at the word vomit!!
I just reread my comment & saw that I didn’t add that I was talking about my 18 year old brother! But, their word vomit still gets me. Every.single.time.
LMAOPMP. The end.
This is a freaking awesome post! I was laughing so hard hubby had to come in to see what was going on.
Thank you…you are too kind! Isn’t it all so true?
I didn’t need this post to tell me I’m old but I appreciate the laugh. I wouldn’t go into Abercrombie for fear of catching a venereal disease.
Ooo! I totally forgot about that point. Definitely disease infested.
And most of the time you don’t give a damn what people think of you, unless the other person is a real-life yummy mummy and she’s giving you the “couldn’t you have made an effort” look.
Hop on over and read about HOTEL DECENT, I guarantee rofl aches.
I will have to check it out! Playing catch up from being on vacation. I may never leave town again!
Oh, #5. It scares me that I can remember so much. I’m super old. I have stories to tell.
I think we all do…LOL.
This is GREAT! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you!
OMG! Every time I get near Abercrombie I want to pass out. The same with Hollister. Those places stink with all of the cologne and they are so dark. My old ass eyes can’t see in there. And none of their clothes are even made for a woman with curves. Gag!
I talk about shit with just about everyone that will listen. Everyone is very aware of my stomach issues!
I also totally love hanging out with my mom and her friends. My mom is my best friend!
Oh yeah, Hollister is awful too! I can’t get within 500 feet of either store, I swear!
OMG this is fantastic…..VAGINA!!!!!! Such a great word right? And A&F gives me a headache at 500 ft. I hate that store….I will walk on the other side of the mall just to be away from it…and you know how I love the mall!!!
Vagina seriously is the BEST word. LOL!!
This is all so, so true. I’m definitely old. I can’t believe I actually worked at an Abercrombie and Fitch (years ago). I wouldn’t touch one with a 10 foot pole now!
AHH!! So funny that you worked there!
I was beyond devastated when I saw in US Weekly – how old Justin Beiber’s parents were. I told my husband – “See – instead of going to college – we could have just had a baby and a gotten a good video camera…..now look at us.”
This is the funniest comment I’ve read in a long time…LOL!
Love your writing, and I agree on ALL bullets.
Thanks so much…so happy you understand where I’m coming from!
I’m having a crisis over the fact that last week my oldest turned 21. In December my youngest will turn 18, I will turn 40 and my 19 year old is making me a grandmother! Talk about feeling old!
Last night our son was away for the night. What did we do?? Ate water ice, watched an old episode of Law & Order. At 9pm Hubby played PS3 and I curled up in bed and fell asleep watching Finding Nemo! Pathetic!
Still sounds like a pretty nice evening to me!
true! so VERY true! it’s official, i’m getting up there!
We all are!!
I am right there with ya! The parent’s friends thing…SO TRUE!!!
PS- Still really sad I am not going to throw a few back with you at BlogHer…at least we have VEGAS!!
#VegasBBC12
OMG. I am so psyched about Vegas I can’t even stand it. #VegasBBC12 all the way baby!
I don’t believe in coincidences. I had just finished talking shit with my girlfriend (my baby’s not my own this time). Then I read this. It’s a sign! I know, I know. I’m getting old.
Oh well! Time to hit the History Channel!
Hope you found a good documentary to watch!
Yup, I’m officially getting older because I ticked off every single point you made. And nobody loves the word vagina more than me. Actually, I use it to chase away my friend’s daugthers who always try to listen in on our conversations. I tell them, “Just so you know, we’re talking about how stretchy my vagina became after I gave birth.” Clears the room everytime.
Great great post! Sadly though, me saying it was a great post means I’m older..sigh…
LOL! I love it!
I am so there! But I love my age now and where I need to be
Me too!
Seriously so, so true! Hey–I may be getting old buy I’m totally loving being “old”.
And I love breaking out the pj’s, filling up a glass with some wine and watching some tv. Or reading a book.
Or hell, just going to bed at 10 pm!
xo
I love being old too. I’d like to stay in my mid-thirties forever. It’s good here…LOL.
Dammit. I am old.
You and me both!!
Great Photo, Mary. You are only as old as you feel. I would rather say, I am gracefully aging and it is my kids that make me feel “OLD.” It’s all in your mind set. Hope to see you soon!
Me too! Hopefully we can get the family together sooner rather than later. It has been way too long!
Sadly, I can relate to all of these. Except being Justin Bieber’s mom. I’m pretty sure I’m not quite there. How old is he?
17?
Not unless I popped out a kid at 10!
He’s 17! I’m almost 34, so definitely old enough…:)
After I gave birth to my 2nd child, the sign of aging becomes more and more obvious:
1) strands of hair falling off
2) get sick (cold/flu) about once a month and takes quite a few days to recover
3) loosing a lot of weight
So glad other people feel the same way about A&F.
I have a strange aversion to teenage girls. With their hair flipping, inappropriately too short skirts, and lipglossed lips. Its hard to remember I was one of those once, probably looking at the mom in yoga pants with the same distaste I look at them.
mee too!!
Hahaha! 3, 6, 7 and 9 rang true for me. That’s 4 out of 10…
I think I can still be in the denial zone
In an amendment to #1, Abercrombie and Fitch smells like my gay best friend in high school!
Agreed…it definitely does smell like that.
Hi, I have only just stubbled on your blog via twitter and love it. I’ve read a few of your “best of”s and will be a regular reader from here on in. My daughters are both teenagers and truth to tell, it’s a strange time of life.
Tweeted you because I LOVE it! So true…though I have never set foot in and abercrombie( either we are different ages, I think I’m older, or different styles..) but nonetheless, aging does have its quirks and perks doesn’t it?