I do my best to maintain my Mom Sexy, but I’m the first person to admit that I’m no spring chicken. The Mommyologist is getting older…and here are 10 ways to tell if you are too.
You are definitely getting older if:
1. You refuse to get within 100 feet of an Abercrombie and Fitch store for two reasons: a.) It’s just way too damn loud. b.) It smells way too much like your high school boyfriend, which makes you stop and wonder what the hell ever happened to him, which then makes you wonder why the hell you ever went out with him in the first place and why it took you a year and a half to get over a guy who dropped you like a bad habit as soon as he got back to boarding school. (The high school boyfriend is totally hypothetical…of course).
2. You start referring to the people on The Real World as “kids”, and throughout the show, you say, “That’s disgusting!” at least ten times, and you gag at least five times.
3. You are no longer embarrassed to purchase tampons, even when the cashier who rings you up at the grocery store is a 15-year old kid. Somewhere around age 28, you realized that you do indeed, have a vagina, and it is perfectly acceptable to menstruate. And it’s also perfectly acceptable to say the word “vagina” out loud. VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!
4. You realize that you are old enough to be Justin Bieber’s mother. ‘Nuff said.
5. When someone talks about something that happened 20 years ago, you can actually remember where you were and what you were doing 20 years ago. And chances are it involved either Abercrombie and Fitch, your menstruating vagina, or some strange combination of the two.
6. Gone are the days when you consider your parents to be a real drag. Your parents are still your parents, but they’re now also your best friends. And your parents’ best friends are still your parents’ best friends, but now you consider them your friends too, not just your parents’ friends. And nine times out of ten you’d rather hang out with your parents and your parents’ friends who are now also your friends than anyone else.
7. You catch yourself getting annoyed and rolling your eyes at teenagers who are giggling and having fun at the mall, because in your opinion, they are just creating unnecessary noise. Especially the ones who are lingering outside of Abercrombie and Fitch. (NEWS FLASH: Those teenagers are rolling their eyes at you too. They think you are pathetic and old, and they vow never to look like you when they are your age. After all, they’ll still be shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch and be hip to the latest trends, right)?
8. On any given Saturday evening, you find yourself getting a little bit giddy after realizing that Celebrity Ghost Stories has a new episode on the Biography Channel, and right after that, there is a documentary on how the states got their names on the History Channel. Break out the boxed wine baby…it’s gonna be a seriously bitchin’ night!
9. The thought of going to a frat party makes you want to douse your entire body in hand sanitizer and put on a gas mask. Let’s face it…if the memory of the stench of stale beer and man sweat doesn’t make you a bit nostalgic for your college days, then you are definitely over the hill.
10. You will talk about shit with anyone, and by shit I do mean poop, and by anyone, I do mean ANYONE. If you can admit to a random person of the opposite sex that the chicken you ate for dinner had you up with the runs all night, then you are seriously an OLD FART. No pun intended.