Ok…so I’m about a month into this whole Kindergarten thing…and I’m going to go ahead and give myself a grade of “F” as far as being a kindergarten parent goes.
“F,” of course, stands for FAIL. But in my case, “F’ also stands for “Fu&% me because I’m really not sure that I’m smart enough or organized enough for this fu&%ing shit.”
After little dude got off the bus last Friday, I opened his backpack expecting to find one or two papers in there, plus a list of snacks available for purchase for the following week.
Wanna know what I found instead?
A WHOLE ENTIRE SACK FULL OF DEAD TREES. Think I’m exaggerating?
Seriously…do you believe that shit?
And buried in this insane pile of dead trees was more evidence that I may quite possibly be America’s worst kindergarten mom.
Here are a few clues that indicate that I deserve that title:
1. The school newsletter was included in the papers, and the newsletter has a little section for each grade, which talks about what they are specifically learning, etc. Apparently the kindergartners are getting acquainted with the school and doing a refresher on reading and math and stuff like that. And apparently some of the OTHER kindergarten parents have brought in plenty of school supplies to donate to the class, because there was a thank you note included in the newsletter. And what have I contributed to the kindergarten classroom as far as supplies go?
That’s right…JACK SHIT.
2. Another thing that was stuffed in his bag among the papers? His first freakin’ homework assignment. For the month of October, they give us a list of activities where we have to have our kids pick three off the list each week, check off the box that they were completed, and then the back of the paper has a questionnaire that has to be filled out at the end of the month detailing what their favorite activity was, etc.
What are the odds of me actually remembering to assign activities to little dude on top of all of the other shit I have to try and remember to do on a daily basis?
SLIM TO NONE.
Why do I have this funny feeling that little dude and I will be pulling an all-nighter on Halloween as far as that damn activity list goes?
3. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I freaked out over the fact that little dude brought home a fundraising packet? Well…I wound up just having both me and my mom order some stuff from the catalog and I wrote the school a nice, decent sized check and figured that I had done my duty as a parent as far as fundraising packets go.
But then on Friday, little dude brought home ANOTHER fundraising packet, which was deemed the FALL FUNDRAISER.
Maybe I’m just the dumbest bitch in the state of Connecticut, but if this one is the FALL FUNDRAISER, then what the fu%& kind of fundraiser was the FIRST fundraising packet supposed to be?
And you know what’s even worse? Look at what’s included in the FALL fundraising packet:
CAKES, COOKIES, PIES, and OTHER BAKED GOODS.
I just finished a 10-day detox where I lost 7 pounds and got back into my favorite pair of Seven jeans. And there is no way in hell I’m going to disrespect the fact that I managed to give up booze and sugar for 10 days for some damn school fundraiser that I thought I was already done with.
Sorry PTO…no check for you this time.
On that note, I think I’ll get my ass off the couch and go look for a nice tiara to wear for my new title of “America’s Worst Kindergarten Mom.”
It really has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?