10 Reasons Why Being A Celebrity New Mom Totally Sucks

Well, Beyonce finally had her baby this past weekend. WHAT? You didn’t hear?

Yes…I’m kidding. I think that the only possible way you would not know this piece of news is if you’d been hiding in a dark closet all weekend with no access to anything electronic. It’s all over the place.

The Beyonce baby craze has been going on for months now…so much so that it almost seems like fans have been stalking her. And then after she finally welcomed her beautiful baby girl, Blue Ivy Carter, people on Twitter decided to rip her and Jay-Z a new asshole by insisting that they should have named the child something else. Last time I checked the name of the baby was THEIR decision…am I wrong?

All I know is that I’m glad I’m not a freakin’ celebrity, and I was even more glad to be “just a regular mom” after giving birth to my son. I’ve shared this photo before and I’ll share it again. Post-partum Mom Sexy isn’t sexy at all…but it’s reality! Can you imagine the horror this would cause if I WAS famous? GAH!

 

That's really me!

 

Here is my list of 10 Reasons Why Being a Celebrity Mom Totally Sucks:

 

1. Your vagina is famous too: Holy SHIZ. As if having being followed during your entire pregnancy and having your baby bump and cellulite-ridden ass isn’t stressful enough…can you even imagine what it’s like for celebrity moms in the delivery room? I mean…I know there’s probably all sorts of confidentiality waivers and shit that the doctors and nurses have to sign when a celeb checks into the hospital, but you KNOW that once those labor & delivery peeps get home and have a few glasses of wine, they just can’t resist giggling a bit and saying…guess what…”I saw Kourtney Kardashian’s vagina tonight!”

2. Double the humiliation factor: Did you poop on the table when you gave birth? I didn’t. But I farted uncontrollably after the super-hot anesthesiologist gave me my epidural, and it was pretty damn embarrassing. How do high-profile moms feel when something comes out of their butt while giving birth and the other people in the room realizes that their shit does, in fact, STINK?

3. Make-up is a MUST: I don’t think that I put on one ounce of make-up for a good few weeks after my son was born, let alone while I was still at the hospital. I knew that I looked like shit and I knew that everyone else knew that I looked like shit and frankly, I didn’t give a rat’s ass. With photographers waiting outside the hospital for them to leave with their babies, celeb moms have to put their face on and be camera ready, even when they have no energy to even apply their damn eye shadow. I mean…have you ever seen pictures of Beyonce without makeup? She doesn’t exactly look like a diva.

4. You are forced to sugar-coat: If you have been reading this blog for any remotely decent period of time, then you know that one of my biggest pet peeves is when new moms sugar-coat their experience about life with a newborn. Don’t even get me started on Gisele Bundchen, because I might break something. Anyway, celebrity new moms are almost forced to sugar-coat their baby stories because that is what the public expects. If they say that anything is less than picture perfect, then people label them as whiners. That must really blow.

5. Unbelievable pressure to bounce back: I don’t know how long it took you to get rid of your baby weight, but for me, it was at least nine months before I could squeeze into any of my pre-baby clothes. I gained about 50 lbs. while pregnant, and the first 20 came off fairly quickly. I had to literally WORK MY ASS OFF for the last 30…but at least I didn’t have any time limitations put on me as far as how fast I was expected to take the pounds off. Celeb moms, on the other hand, almost seem like they are in competition with one another as to who can get back into sample sizes the fastest. That kind of pressure must be unbearable, especially when all you want to do is try and adjust to life with a new baby. I always commend celeb moms who admit that they had a struggle with baby weight, just like the rest of us. I wish the media would cut them some slack, because behind the glitz and glamour, they really are just PEOPLE.

6. Paparazzi: Do I really need to elaborate on this one at all? Post-baby photographers are such a total buzz-kill for celeb moms. I can recall this one photo that was taken years ago of Reese Witherspoon after she had her first child, Ava. She was out walking (trying to lose the baby weight like a normal person), and the paps took pics of her looking overweight and bloated in her unflattering sweats. I can distinctly remember my naive 20-something skinny ass looking at that picture of her and not believing how heavy she looked. SHAME ON ME. If I saw that photo now, I’d probably want to reach through the pages and hug her and tell her that the weight WILL come off eventually. (And obviously, it did).

7. Having people who insist on doing shit for you: Ok, at first glance this one sounds like something we’d all love to have right after giving birth. Celeb moms have various people who cater to their every whim and need, but I can’t help but think that gets a bit smothering at times. Sure…I would have loved it if someone had dropped off a tray of lasagna or offered to sit with my son for an hour so I could take a hot bath, but would I have wanted random people coming in and out of my house all day long. NO WAY. As tough as it is adjusting to life with a new baby, I still believe that figuring it out on your own is part of the learning process. If you want to bond with your baby, then you really need to let yourself BOND WITH YOUR BABY instead of having other people there to do it for you. I’m sure that plenty of celeb moms are just too afraid to tell people no.

8. Added working mom pressures: This is one area where celebs seriously cannot win. If they go back to work too soon, people blast them for being shitty mothers. But then again, if they decide to take a lengthy period of time off to spend with their kids, people stop caring about them and bitch and moan about how they dropped off the face of the earth. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I guess. (Which I guess really isn’t much different than regular moms…).

9. Having hot women around your husband: Most celeb moms are married to celeb dads, other than a few who married non-showbiz types. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it must be to be sitting on the couch at home bouncing a crying baby on your shoulder and trying not to shift too much because you don’t want the Tucks medicated pad to slip out between your butt cheeks, all while knowing that your extremely hot, rich husband is at work with extremely hot young actresses/singers, etc. flaunting their non-post-partum perfect bodies in his face. I really don’t know what I would’ve done if my husband had come home and told me he’d been hanging out with Blake Lively all day or some shit like that. (I probably would’ve told him to kiss my ass and sent him out to Walgreen’s for more Tuck’s pads).

10. Your kid is famous by default: Right before Pink gave birth to her daughter Willow, she tweeted about how she was against paparazzi taking photos of her child. And now, every time that I write a post on Babble containing a photo of Willow, I can’t help but cringe a bit because I know that I’m doing something against Pink’s wishes. If you are a famous mom, then your kid is automatically famous by default. And that isn’t necessarily a good thing for all celebrities. Again, they are just people like us…and they consider their children as sacred too. Even if I was an A-lister, I still don’t think I’d want my son’s every move followed by photographers.

I feel pretty damn good about the fact that I’m not a celebrity mom. Don’t you?

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