Hooking Up With My Old Boyfriend Was a Shitty Idea

Ok, it’s confession time. I’ve been a bit of a bad girl these past few months — and I’m not especially proud of my actions. I’ve lied to myself (and sort of to others.) I’ve treated my self esteem like a piece of gum on the bottom of my shoe. But I’ve also done the worst bad deed of them all — I cheated, and got lured into the evil (yet oh-so-tempting) clutches of an old boyfriend.

Yeah, remember when I told you about Taylor — my SCALE? Well, that asshat’s been back in my life for the past couple months or so, and as of this morning, I’m going to do my best to officially break up with him for good. Because all he does is make me feel fat, ugly, and totally unworthy of experiencing any sort of normal fun.

 

Ok, I have one more confession: Taylor has had me in such a depression about my appearance that I actually decided to skip a dinner out because I didn’t think I deserved to reward myself with good conversation, delicious cocktails, and anything remotely resembling a carb. I missed out on a really great night — all because of what that shithead told me when I woke up that day.

You see those perfectly adorable pictures of me at the top of this page? Yeah — I was a good 10 pounds thinner when those were taken about a year ago. And you know what else? I was also extremely hungry, and I wasn’t working out for fear of bulking up, and I was scared to even eat a pretzel for fear of blowing up like a balloon again. And honestly, that’s just no way to live. My relationship with Taylor was great, and he was telling me all sorts of lovely things I wanted to hear — but it turns out his adorations were short lived.

I’m turning 35-years-old in a few months, and I don’t want to go into my 35th year hating the way I look and feel all because the number on the scale isn’t what I want it to be. I want to stop beating myself up and feeling like I’ve failed somehow because my favorite pair of Seven for All Mankind Jeans only fit when I’m hungry and lethargic. Instead, I want to live the next 35 years of my life being happy, healthy, active, and eating a fuckin’ cheeseburger and fries and having a second or third margarita without worrying whether or not Taylor is going to scold me for it the next morning.

I’ve said it over and over again — Mom Sexy is a state of mind. And the only way I’m going to get there again is by holding myself accountable to my original concept of the whole Mom Sexy deal.

Mom Sexy is about being confident and happy in your own skin, and accepting yourself the way you are at THIS point in your life.

With that being said, I’m cleaning up my diet and eating well most of the time, but I’m not skipping any more dinners out in the future. I’m also getting myself back on a good workout regime, committing to exercising at least 5-6 days a week, for at least 20 minutes. Every little bit helps, right?

Most importantly, I’m going to try my absolute hardest to refocus my energy on being healthy instead of being skinny, or hitting a certain low point on the scale. After all, I’d rather be a little bit heavier and be toned and feel confident on the beach this summer than be stick-thin with all sorts of things sagging way lower than they’re supposed to.

We’ll see how it goes — and hopefully in another few weeks I’ll be feeling like my old self again — the bubbly, in-your-face preachin’ Mom Sexy pain-in-the-ass that I used to be. Stay tuned.

 

Image via -Paul-H/Flickr

Comments

  1. 1
    Gretchen says:

    I am 40 and have long since resolved myself to the fact that I will never be stick thin. I am happy with a size 10. Not bad for a women who gave birth to 5 kids. I eat pretty healthy so I can enjoy a few treats every now and then. As long as you keep yourself eatting healthy and exercising why not enjoy the way you are. Those models in the pictures aren’t what real women look like.

    • 2
      The Mommyologist says:

      I agree! Hoping to get into a good habit now so I don’t keep this yo-yo dieting thing up in the future. I’m tired of depriving myself!

  2. 3
    mary close says:

    I think other people love your blog so much for the same reason I do- it almost always feels like you’re talking right to me, and you’re saying exactly what I need to hear!

    • 4
      The Mommyologist says:

      Thank you, my dear! Hoping to turn over a new leaf by giving up the scale again. We’ll see how it goes. xoxo

  3. 5
    Shell says:

    I know how you feel. I’m easily 10 pounds heavier right now than I was at this time last year, when I’d hoped to be 10 pounds lighter. Ugh.

    But, I think we are still awesome. And perhaps it’s just time to go get a new pair of jeans. :)

    • 6
      The Mommyologist says:

      I think you are right! I’ve had my favorite pair for over 10 years…and my body is a lot different now. All those jeans do is make me feel like I’ve failed, somehow!

  4. 7

    I knew there was no way you hooked up with a non scale boyfriend!

    You will be back to feeling awesome soon, hope you get there soon!

  5. 9
    Missy Olive says:

    You have identified two of the most important steps: eating right and exercising. That is how it is done!

    I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer but you, my friend, are a spring chicken. When you hit 40, everything about the body goes downhill. Your eyes can no longer see, you have to work out twice as long to get the same effect, and the vajay-jay has issues. It sucks. However, I’m convinced that eating right and getting regular exercise helps. Which is why I’m dragging myself to hot yoga in a few minutes to get those bad things out of my body.

    Get in the habit now of eating right and exercising regularly. And your cheerleaders are here to keep you motivated!

    • 10
      The Mommyologist says:

      Thanks so much! Hoping to make this more of a lifestyle rather than just detoxing and doing crash diets every few months. I’ve had it with that!

  6. 11

    Oh lord, I so feel your pain. I lost about 15 pounds this fall and it’s slowly been creeping back on. I’m getting it together… eating small meals every three hours and I’m less hungry. Working on the exercise part… I’d actually bought a bikini and it was like I got it in the house and self-destructed!

    • 12
      The Mommyologist says:

      It seems like it just gets harder and harder to keep the weight off as I get older…which really scares me for 5-10 years from now. Hoping getting into a good routine now will help me avoid this scenario in the future.

  7. 13

    Come back, you ol’ pain-in-the-ass, come back! ;) But for real, you can totally get back on the Mom Sexy train. You did invent that bitch after all!!

  8. 14
    Monica says:

    Hi there. I’m a newish reader to your blog and I can so relate with this post! It’s really unfortunate to feel the need to skip out on social events because of physically feeling crappy. I try to admire my body for growing and birthing two kids, but I spend way too much time focusing on five to ten pounds (and have also skipped fun events because I was annoyed with my stomach). Love the focus on feeling mom-sexy in a healthy way on your way to 35. My next bday will bring 35 too and I will most definitely be searching for my “balanced” mom sexy on my way there.

  9. 15
    SMHMama says:

    Sounds like you took the blue pill, or was it the red? Shit, whatever. The way I see it, like is really about evolution. After having my second I had to come to grips that I was not going to be as small as I once was and that’s okay. Now I’m petite but no size 2 and I’m fine with that… now. It’s really just about being comfortable with ourselves and being healthy, I think the whole concept of “goal” weight is dangerous and I try to stay clear of that thinking.

  10. 16
    Blondie says:

    The last 5-10 pounds is always the hardest. Or at least that is what I am experiencing. Trying to eat healthier and exercise regularly since my almost 6 year daughter has come to know that daddy and mom “diet”. I’d rather her see us eat healthy overall and still splurge and not always be dieting. I told my “Taylor” to take a hike not long ago. It sat staring at me in the bathroom and giving me dirty looks. Sexy is definitely a confidence that I am slowly coming into! Thanks for the site and encouragement!

    Have followed you on twitter for a while but just having the chance to explore your blog. Enjoying so far!

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