’50 Shades of Grey’ Movie Better Turn Me On

If you’re a Fifty Shades of Grey fan, then you may want to quit reading this post immediately — because I’m not afraid to go against the masses and admit just how bad I think the book SUCKS. Yes, I said SUCKS — and I’m not making a reference to the infamous (and somewhat pathetic) bathtub scene. (How are they going to pull that one off in the movie if it’s not a porno flick?)

 

OMG. I was so excited to read this book after hearing all of the hype surrounding it. I even felt a little big naughty (in a good way) when I picked up my copy at Barnes & Noble. I was all set for a super guilty yet incredibly enjoyable thrill ride — but I found myself struggling to stay awake while reading this snorefest of a novel. (IT’S REALLY THAT BAD.)

It’s HORRIBLY written. There’s no storyline. There’s no plot. And don’t even get me started on just how lame Anastasia Steele & Christian Grey’s characters are. I can’t even remotely stand either of them. In a nutshell, Christian is a total egocentric douche, and Ana is a total loser who has absolutely no respect for herself.

But I think my real problem with the book has to do with how totally unbelievable Ana & Christian’s relationship is. WARNING: If you haven’t read Fifty yet but plan on doing so, you may want to stop reading at this point.

Can someone please explain to me how in the hell Ana managed to have multiple orgasms on the night she lost her virginity — and wanted to turn around and have sex again (not to mention a little BJ action) the very next morning? Because I think that’s when the book really lost me. Because there’s just no way in hell anyone’s first time is EVER anywhere close to that pleasurable.

The night I lost my virginity? Yeah — it pretty much SUCKED. I was 17, and had no idea what the hell I was doing — and neither did my boyfriend (although he was totally adorbs — bless his heart.) We did it in his grandmother’s guest house, and to this day, I’m not 100% sure that we actually completed the act. And when it was over? He looked at me and said, “That was kind of weird.” (Just what every girl wants to hear after giving up her V-card.) He “disposed” of the condom, and then the next morning called me in a total panic because he’d thrown it outside and it landed in a tree and he was worried Granny would come home and find it. And that was the first and last time we ever “did it,” because he went back to boarding school a couple weeks later and dumped my ass. (Almost 18 years later, that still stings.)

Now, I’m not saying EVERYONE’s first time is quite as anti-climactic as mine — but Anastasia Steele’s experience? NO. FREAKIN’. WAY.

I was pretty much DONE with the book after that first sex scene, and I only made it about halfway through the rest before deciding it just wasn’t worth my time to finish it. I can cook up way sexier fantasies in my own head — I don’t need someone to write them for me.

And I can’t decide if that means I’m classy because I found the book to be so ridiculous — or if it means I’m really one very kinky bitch.

But either way — I’m done with the over-hyped Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon — at least until the movie comes out. And that shit better turn me on and get me all hot and bothered, or I’m gonna be really pissed.

Be honest, did you like Fifty Shades of Grey, and if so — why? Please…enlighten me.

 

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