’50 Shades of Grey’ Movie Better Turn Me On

If you’re a Fifty Shades of Grey fan, then you may want to quit reading this post immediately — because I’m not afraid to go against the masses and admit just how bad I think the book SUCKS. Yes, I said SUCKS — and I’m not making a reference to the infamous (and somewhat pathetic) bathtub scene. (How are they going to pull that one off in the movie if it’s not a porno flick?)

 

OMG. I was so excited to read this book after hearing all of the hype surrounding it. I even felt a little big naughty (in a good way) when I picked up my copy at Barnes & Noble. I was all set for a super guilty yet incredibly enjoyable thrill ride — but I found myself struggling to stay awake while reading this snorefest of a novel. (IT’S REALLY THAT BAD.)

It’s HORRIBLY written. There’s no storyline. There’s no plot. And don’t even get me started on just how lame Anastasia Steele & Christian Grey’s characters are. I can’t even remotely stand either of them. In a nutshell, Christian is a total egocentric douche, and Ana is a total loser who has absolutely no respect for herself.

But I think my real problem with the book has to do with how totally unbelievable Ana & Christian’s relationship is. WARNING: If you haven’t read Fifty yet but plan on doing so, you may want to stop reading at this point.

Can someone please explain to me how in the hell Ana managed to have multiple orgasms on the night she lost her virginity — and wanted to turn around and have sex again (not to mention a little BJ action) the very next morning? Because I think that’s when the book really lost me. Because there’s just no way in hell anyone’s first time is EVER anywhere close to that pleasurable.

The night I lost my virginity? Yeah — it pretty much SUCKED. I was 17, and had no idea what the hell I was doing — and neither did my boyfriend (although he was totally adorbs — bless his heart.) We did it in his grandmother’s guest house, and to this day, I’m not 100% sure that we actually completed the act. And when it was over? He looked at me and said, “That was kind of weird.” (Just what every girl wants to hear after giving up her V-card.) He “disposed” of the condom, and then the next morning called me in a total panic because he’d thrown it outside and it landed in a tree and he was worried Granny would come home and find it. And that was the first and last time we ever “did it,” because he went back to boarding school a couple weeks later and dumped my ass. (Almost 18 years later, that still stings.)

Now, I’m not saying EVERYONE’s first time is quite as anti-climactic as mine — but Anastasia Steele’s experience? NO. FREAKIN’. WAY.

I was pretty much DONE with the book after that first sex scene, and I only made it about halfway through the rest before deciding it just wasn’t worth my time to finish it. I can cook up way sexier fantasies in my own head — I don’t need someone to write them for me.

And I can’t decide if that means I’m classy because I found the book to be so ridiculous — or if it means I’m really one very kinky bitch.

But either way — I’m done with the over-hyped Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon — at least until the movie comes out. And that shit better turn me on and get me all hot and bothered, or I’m gonna be really pissed.

Be honest, did you like Fifty Shades of Grey, and if so — why? Please…enlighten me.

 

Image via Barnes & Noble

Comments

  1. 81
    Elaine says:

    I am so glad I found this page.
    I am having a difficult time reading the first one.
    The book makes it look like having first time sex including oral sex is easy and exciting??
    Is it easy to have multiple orgasms after first time sex?
    For a sexually naive person like Ana?
    That is not realistic.
    Ana is portrayed as someone who does not have any self esteeem.
    I agree, the author did not give a preamble as to why Ana is so screwed up or how come she has been able to avoid sex all this time! Not even mastubating…surely something is not right.
    The message is dangerous for young women who may be reading this book.
    I see Grey partly as a sexual predator.
    I would not want my daughter to be in this kind of relation.
    The whole plot seems completely fucked up and E L James is very lucky….cannot imagine how this book can be a runaway success!

  2. 82
    Mars says:

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one who sees something or rather some things wrong with the book. I really hope teen girls don’t follow the crazy fad because it’s going to get girls and women hurt. What we need in the society are books and movies that teach women to empower their own lives, deal with their problems and explore their sexuality themselves not books that talk about stupid, boring, naive girls who take refuge under the black tattered wings of psychopathic, abusive, boring, obsessive and tasteless men and like it. Shame women are drooling over it, I mean there are other healthy ways to better your sex life than to follow the tragic plot of some poorly written book. I wrote my opinion of the book on my hub at http://marsprofane8.hubpages.com/hub/A-closer-look-at-the-book-50-shades-of-grey. Although mine is a little bit more insulting. Great write up!

    • 83
      Andy Corona says:

      I just hated the fact that it was suppose to be in Seattle, which I have lived here all my life, Trust me, ! There is no Christian Grey’s here! There is a lot more women than men too. It’s dark and dreary 9 months out of the year, if I could move, I would of moved to Cali years ago. I hate the fact that the author has the audacity to make Ana able to have several orgasms as a virgin! No one I ever knew, including myself after having intercourse the first time, felt like doing anything but having a hot bath! It’s so phony in that sense, I remember after having sex the first time, I felt like, “Why would anyone want to do this ever again?” Of course this man did not go down on me, which would of helped a lot, (my second lover did, and it was then I learned to have orgasms and love sex) but it seemed phony to me, that all of a sudden she was a nymphomaniac after being a virgin till she was in her 20′s? and no masturbation? she seemed sexually repressed to me! I am still reading the second book, so I will post more later.

  3. 84

    This made me giggle. I hated the book too! By the 40th time that Ana was biting her lip it was all I could to keep from hurling the book across the room. I actually gave the book away, GAVE it away, I’ve never done that with a novel in my entire life.

  4. 85
    Adrianna says:

    I got the books after hearing people rave about it and I couldn’t get through the first book. The writing was dreadful and repetitive as were the sex scenes. It was depressing how little self respect Anna had. And the kink? Not that kinky.

  5. 86
    Kajira says:

    This book is rediculous…I am a submissive living with my dominant and we are nothing close to this and all these ppl reading this and loving am sorry but it’s not crazy 95% of your life sex it’s allot of commitment and time communication and love…and guess what when he tells u to do something u don’t complain or he will whip your ass instead of act all funny and playful there is not playfulness in my masters voice when I miss behave…fact is this book is full of bull shit I could give u more examples but that would just be a waste of my time which I don’t get much of

  6. 87
    Nicky says:

    Oh my – pardon the (overused) pun lol – after hearing several people rave about how wonderful the book was curiosity got the better of me and I decided to find out what all the hype was about. I am so disappointed in myself for getting onto this Grey bandwagon. I got more out of reading my mums Miils and Boons when I was 12 going on 13 – at least they had more of a story line (still with the ‘good’ bits which I skimmed to locate before mum came home). I would love to meet the author and just shake her. She should have kept her own private fantasies to her walk-in-wardobe. I found the book repetitive and tiresome. I actually laughed out loud on a few occaisons especially when it came to the sexual content, much to my husbands curiosity and amusement. The characters annoyed me on so many levels – which only made me resent the author more. I am concerned for a lot of innocent young women who may read this book and think this is the norm, this is what really happens when you have sex for the first (and second and third and fourth and fifth in one hour) time, this is what loving relationships involve. It is nothing more than fantasy, and a pretty typically bland one at that. I know she is not, but the mentality of this author had me putting her in the basket for someone much younger than her years which only disappointed me more as I expected so much more from a woman with more life experience than she could evidently fail to articulate on paper. Shame Shame Shame on the author and even more shame on me for actually reading the entire thing hoping it would improve….

  7. 88
    Myself says:

    Kajira, its true. I am a submissive as well, and I found the books insulting. People who are in BDSM are not ill and they not need a stupid virging to rescue them from darkness.

  8. 89
    Marj says:

    Bought this book after seeing people on tv talking about it. I’m sorry to say it was a total waste of my money and if anyone out there wants to read or experience kinky they’re better off investing their money on a vibrator.

    After I got to the bit where he pulled out her tampon and had sex with her while she had her period, I was so totally grossed out I threw the book down and jumped on it.

    A few days later I picked up the book and forced myself to read the rest just for the sake of not being a quitter. Big disappointment for something that was “the hype.”.

    Definitely not a book worth recommending.

  9. 90
    jan says:

    Holy crap! As I bite my lip. That was the worst book I’ve ever read. Couldn’t even finish it.

  10. 91
    Jules says:

    i am glad I am not the only one as also don’t like it either.

  11. 92
    Ms Seattle says:

    oh my gosh! After reading all three stupid books I turned them into the used book store and bought a Leo Tolstoy book. These books are boring. I did not like the way Anna just let herself get caught up in this frightening mess. And dont get me started on Christian! What a psychopath! He was hurt at a very early age, grew up resenting his mother and then spends his time inflicting pain on women who look like the “crack whore”. Totally scary. I am not sure why women are liking this book sooooo much and trying to turn their husbands into this monstrosity. I just think either women are so bored with their relationships they will do anything to get some spark, or they are all writing men in the maximum security cell of their local sex offender jail. i would not be wanting to help Christian through anything, I would want him to leave my home and leave me alone.

  12. 93
    Janey says:

    Boring Boring Boring! The whole 3 books..I found far fetched
    Neither did the sex scenes turn me on..I hope the
    film proves more exciting!

  13. 94
    Ren says:

    Geez, the part that annoyed me the most was every time I had to read the words “inner goddess”. I also didn’t finish the book and I’m just glad that I borrowed it from somebody so that I didn’t spend my own money on it.

    As someone who is actually into BDSM, this book was frustrating for me on a different level (not just because of the annoying characters and bad writing). It’s completely unrealistic and sheds a rather negative light on something that a lot of people enjoy in a healthy relationship. It also represents subs as these annoying, pathetic, naive, ‘little girls’ when in fact, it’s usually the opposite that is true.

    Argh! I hate this book!

  14. 95
    Jan says:

    Read the book, I like trashy sex novels, but the writing on this one was dull. I got sick with all the times Ana referred to Christian as “My Fifty”. I thought she was stupid and she should have left him after the spanking. She was a boring character. She did not realize she signed a “contract” with the marriage. I give it three months before he cheats on her. Fourth book, she has an affair with Taylor, who beats her even more and is a poor fuck. and then Christian finds out and beats her more and then beats Taylor. Christian, then returns to the red room and beats some poor girl up, and then fucks her too. Get it. Stupid Ana. Sorry I wasted money on this. I could do better.

  15. 96

    I have done a very concise 40 second review of this book. I think you will agree it’s very accurate. I very much hope you enjoy it.

    http://youtu.be/iqrebIZJ3KA

    Gina. x

  16. 97
    Andy Corona says:

    Oh, I also forgot another irritant, If I read about her “Inner Goddess” one more time, I’m going to take a hostage! How stupid that was, it was so overbearing in the first book, and in the second, it just kept creeping in, so dumb, I wanted to throw the book against the wall!

    • 98
      Tracey says:

      right, i forgot that! ha ‘inner goddess” i kind of wanted to smack that goddess to wake her up to get the heck out of there!!! Inner goddess and the LOWER LIP BITING drove me insane!!!

  17. 99
    Nicola says:

    Sorry – I know this is for people who read it, but I just wanted to say that nothing would induce me to read/buy that rubbish. It seemed to be sending a very bad message to young women – as well as,I heard, there was no existence of a plot and the prose/characters very tiresome. It’s such a shame that some actually relate to it (I’ve heard!) and I feel sorry for them. They’re in for a nightmare of nasty guys, std’s, and god knows what else – all the while expecting a marriage proposal at the end! Jeees! What planet does ms James live on? She definitely doesn’t have daughters to look out for. With all the young girls out there in single parent families (no father around to demonstrate a caring male / role model) – this’ll help to make the road more complicated and dangerous for them. No ‘girl power’ from James. She must have real problems herself.
    If you really think its bad, demonstrate it by not giving it away – just burn it :)

  18. 100
    Sky says:

    These books are not even sexy. This is not about a love story. Christian is a psycho that loved to hurt, manipulate, stalk, and abuse Ana. It scares me that many women want their own “Christian” as a partner. I can’t believe that many women defend Mr. Grey by saying that he “change” or that “he had an ugly past” and justify his behavior.. As society we need to stop making excuses why “Christian” abuse Ana. There is no reason to abuse somebody. This series is sending a wrong message to young women that they can “fix” a abusier into a loving man as long as they stay and put up with all his crap. Believe me many young women are reading these books and desiring a relationship like Ana and Christian. Also, many members of the BDSM community have also express their concerns about these books. Many of them think that Christian is an abuser and not a real dom.

  19. 101
    tiou says:

    I don’t see how such a self absorbed, rude to coworkers, emotionally screwed up person could be a good businessman? Lie Lie Lie lie lie! That’s what I thought about Christian.

  20. 102
    ohma says:

    Every time she opened her mouth I wanted to punch her. If anyone bit their lip that much they wouldn’t have one! I also wanted to throw up on her inner goddess. NO ONE gets through life as long as she does, while spending 4 yrs in college no less, being as naive as she. Any virgin would run so far so fast from a room like that they would break the sound barrier. This book was so so bad, and NOT in a good way! Believe me it has nothing to do with being squeamy about content and everything to do with poor writing skills. The characters might as well have been paper cutouts. Every time she made the yummy comment I wanted to choke her! Yummy. Really. That from a college grad folks.

    • 103
      Grace says:

      Completely agree. Juvenile at best, like a wall-flower having a crush on the captain of the football team. The phrases, pathetic. How many times did she say OH MY, Crap or blushed or flushed or bit her lip and the worst was the “I looked at him form beneath my lashes” used repetitively. Oh WOW such a badly written boring book. Too bad I didn’t read these reviews before hand, I wouldn’t have wasted my 10 dollars.

  21. 104
    Tracey says:

    I’m a late comer to the series, after all the hype I thought “oh let’s see what all the fuss is about” I have to say, not only is it written poorly, it actually turned my stomach. That someone would use and abuse a willing partner is one thing, but to manipulate an innocent girl’s feelings that way, utterly horrified me. I did not find it sexy or thrilling, but stomach churning.

    As to the losing the V-card thing, I can say in the book’s defence LOL that an experienced man makes all the difference. I was 22 and my husband was 35, and he knew what he was doing LOL it hurt but it was awesome! Wow and he’s never smacked me even once !!!

  22. 105
    Andy says:

    I rarely would leave a comment on anything on the internet; let alone a random one i found after being pissed off about wasting a good portion of time on this 50 shades of shit.

    I seriously have to question the general public’s taste in literature when books like this are hyped.

    I can’t believe they are going to make a film about this book, wow.. going to be a bad porno at best.

  23. 106
    shusta says:

    I HATED this series! ikept reading the next book hoping it would get better.
    BORING!!! I can believe the hype! arrgghhh!!!

  24. 107
    Charlize says:

    Shades of Grey really sucks big time! Its so far from reality! what female is always at any time of the day/night in the mood for sex? And of course Ana does everything so brilliant from the first time, but flushes and blushes coz of every thiny stupid bit??
    I would run for my life if my partner would tell me EVERY DAY that I am all his and beg me not to leave him ever (again)! Jeeezz… Im not bothered to start reading the 3rd part of this crap!

  25. 108

    this book sucked…i almost wanted to pitch it across the room but i spent almost 40 bucks…very degrading to women…especially smart women

    • 109
      Grace says:

      The degrading to women part, is the least of what’s wrong with the book. Badly written, boring, repetitive, bad grammar, phrases repeating, juvenile (except for the erotica). Just a horribly written book.

  26. 110

    Holy shit!!! What a lame book! Mind you, I am a staunch non-fiction girl. This was to be my first fiction due to the hype. So unrealistic!! When he was like “where the fuck are you” when she was drunk at the bar, are you serious?!? It’s nothing but crap. A poorly written, indeed, pornographic Pretty Woman. Can’t wait to return it for something that will elevate my mind. Any actual GOOD fiction read referral would be greatly appreciated :) . Maybe more of a whodunnit type fiction. <3 Heather

  27. 111
    Kara Hughes says:

    So glad that others don’t like this. All my girlfriends raved about it and evenutally I borrowed it from the local library, it’s awful. As a proofreader I think whoever proofed it should have been flayed alive and had the skin peeled from her back as she was whipped through the streets of all the major cities in the world.

    And as for the sex scenes? Well, I can honestly say that my first time wasn’t much fun either, my boyfriend was very gentle but it was still painful and I was certainly not in any mood for sex until a few days later. Am so glad I borrowed it from the library and didn’t buy it. Couldn’t even finish the first book!

    • 112
      Grace says:

      So Agree I can’t believe this made it through editing let alone got published. Wasted $10 on it myself as I was heading to the beach and grabbed it for a good read. Hating it for it’s content is the least of the problems for why someone should hate this book. The writing is just bad, bad, bad and the editor must have been asleep.

  28. 113
    Jean says:

    OMG I read 50 shades because someone lent it to me. What a load of boring crap. I thought Christian was supposed to be a Dom which sounded interesting but then he falls for vanilla Ana. They are all a waste of time and it is the worst writing I’ve ever come across. I don’t understand why this awful writer has made so much money. It’s repetitive drivel.

  29. 114
    Lisa W says:

    I finally read the books. All of them.
    Wanted to know what the hype was about.
    I couldn’t believe how poor the writing was.
    The sex scenes….zzzzzzzz
    I found myself skipping over the sex scenes trying to read some substance…I was left disappointed to say the least.
    I found the Christian character very scary. Its NOT ok for a man to behave like this. Stalking? really?
    Controlling…honestly, I found myself getting annoyed and disgusted.

    At no point did I find myself becoming caught up in the book, It was a massive waste of time.
    I’m more annoyed at myself for buying and reading these books.

    I cannot understand why these books became so popular?

    • 115
      Grace says:

      I feel the same way about the sex scenes. The first few where erotic but then it because so repetitive that it was way TOO much and became boring. Some of the reasons people don’t like the book because they think it’s disgusting because of the erotica/sexual content, that is the least of the problems. I skipped over the sex scenes too, just too predictable and BORING!

  30. 116
    Lucy A says:

    I am so glad I found this! I read the first book and thought it was absolute rubbish! The characters have no depth and the writing is appalling. The stupid metaphor about her inner goddess doing the salsa, wtf is that! And her sub-concious? There were sentences in this book which literally had no meaning which was so frustrating! I can’t believe this book was actually published, it makes me angry that the author has done so well on absolutely no talent. It is also painfully obvious that this started as Twilight fan fiction because as a fan of the twilight books (which I accept are also not that well written but i love the story) I can see that Ana is practically copied directly from Bella Swan… but maybe a little more pathetic. There was also no story line in this book and no plot i was waiting for something to happen all the way though, and it never did. Even the kinky bits weren’t that exciting!
    As for recommendations Heather Chapmen, I can recommend Linbook Barclay as a goood author for whodunnits

  31. 117
    Dara C says:

    fifty shades of gray is boring. I’m pissed I should not spent thousand bill for this nonsense book!

  32. 118
    Jennifer says:

    Whew. So glad to know I’m not the only one who despises this book. I have been told for about a year that I “have to” read it. Finally, one of my good friends read it and gave me the same speech about how amazing it was and how she and her husband’s sex life improved.. blah blah blah. Well, I don’t need improvement of my sex life; I’m perfectly happy with it. Still, she really wanted to discuss this “novel” with me, so I began to read it…….. I’m SO SUPER-ANNOYED with Ana, and I want to strangle Christian. I’ve been in a controlling relationship, and I’ve played the “sub” role before… reading about this crap simply brings back bad memories that I wish I’d forgotten long ago. I think that some women find this stuff sexy, but for someone who’s been there and done that and returned the tee-shirt… well, it’s disgusting to me. I just REALLY DON’T LIKE THESE PEOPLE. Grrrrr…. But I’ll finish it, for the sake of my friend. Just hope she’s still my friend when we argue about this book. :(

  33. 119
    Christa Lee says:

    First-off, I bought the book at the Cancun Airport because I was extremely bored. Like usual I got sucked into said book.

    This book is disgusting and, let me tell you, I’ve read some fucked up literature. I ENJOY fucked up literature. 50 Shades of Grey is the most demeaning piece of shit i’ve ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes on. I wouldn’t piss or vomit or wipe up any other bodily secretions with this sad excuse of erotica. Let me give you a synopsis:

    This rich-beyond-measure sumbag picks up a lowly Seatle girl. She’s nothing special. All big brown eyes and blushing. Remind you of Twilight yet?

    The prick tries to turn her into a Sub. She doesn’t like it. He beats the shit out of her with a belt and she runs away…That’s where it’s suppose to end, with a restraining order and a Glock. That would’ve made me happy but, ofcourse, not the fart-faced author that wrote this gross shit. She must be a fucking masochist. I bet she was…nevermind.

    Ana Steele (with a name like that no wonder why people target you) goes back to this flaming chode because she LOVES him. He BEAT the living piss out of you, you fucking idiot. Oh! But he buys her cars, takes her on helicopter rides, sails boats and shit, with him…the cunt who beat the shit out of her with a belt. She politlely tries to refuse all of his “gifts” or as I would like to refer to them in this book as “whore trophies”, yeah…right.

    He STALKS the fuck out of her. He has every piece of information about her, down to her blood type and the time she takes a shit. He buys the company she works for because he doesn’t like the way her boss looks at her.

    The author makes a sad attempt at justifying how fucked up he is by explaining that he was abused as a child and burned with cigarettes and his mother was a crack whore…blah ba blah. It’s not a valid arguing point. At age 4 he gets picked up by richer than Jesus step-parents and is pampered and pressed into a demi-god.

    POOR YOU.

    Ana Steele must have a medical issue because nobody can blush that much without having a bleeding disorder.

    He says he’ll leave her alone then goes and buys her a fucking Audi. Sounds like someone I know, actually.

    The old slide of hand with flamboyant rich cock-suckers. “I’m going to take you to X. I’m going to buy you X. Just because you’re beautiful and unique and just another hole to slide into :D .” The more you fight, the more they enjoy it.

    The “Author” should be scalded and flayed. Thank you, E. L. James for encouraging women that they NEED a man to take care of them. Ya know, regardless that they beat them…they love you.

    E. L. James, I hope your husband beats you when you order the wrong steak.

    I’m no feminist. I feel this loser bitch author is leading women in a completely different direction.

    Not one word of this book is enjoyable or intelligent.

    He’s a fucked up piece with a helicopter.

    Bitch, I’ll walk. At least I have a 50/50 chance of getting raped and not the 1000% chance being stuck with you.

    I’d blow this guys head off, make it look like he wasn’t aware that the gun was chambered and take his helicopter. Or at least pillage his “Room Of Pain” for any curious goods I could later use.

    Like any classy girl I’d take whatever was in his pockets.

    The simpering “banter” back and forth between our main characters makes me want to retch into my own shoes.

    He has more mood swings than every psychopath in Muhlenburg.

    FUCK YOU, E . L. JAMES. I hope I never get the “opportunity” to meet you because I’ll punch you right in the throat and spit in your face.

    With any hope, your husband beats you whenever you pick up the wrong cat litter.

  34. 120
    Grace says:

    OH MY..as was repeated earlier. I feel validated. This is a badly written book. The juvenile phrasing, the repetitive phrases, I just don’t know where to begin. It was so boring. The sex scenes and erotica don’t bother me, I am not a prude or excited by bad PORN. It is just so horrible. I have seen Amazon reviews where one reviewer actually used her Kindle to count how many times the phrases and words were over-used/repetitive juvenile..UGH! I don’t get it why this is such a big deal and everyone is so crazy about it? Why? Just because it is about sex? Who cares about the sex part of the book, there is no story, no plot, no nothing. BORING!

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