10 Reasons Turning 35 Can Kiss My Ass

Well, it happened 10 days ago, and I’m still not over it. Yes, I’m talking about my 35th birthday and yes, I’m referring to the mid-life crisis I’ve been having in the months leading up to my 35th birthday that has only gotten worse SINCE my 35th birthday.

Bottom line — I’m just not ready for this shit. And by shit, I mean being a fu*&%ing 35-year-old woman as opposed to a cute twenty-something whose ass is still at hip level and who doesn’t start falling asleep on the couch if I’m not upstairs in my bed by 10:00 p.m.

 

This may or may not be me in about 10 years.

Image via Smath./Flickr

 

Hell, even ages 30-34 didn’t have me quite this freaked out, and those weren’t really all that damn different from 35. But in a sense, they were, because I was still in my EARLY 30s. And now I’m over-the-hump, so to speak.

And to help plead my case, here are 10 great reasons why turning 35 can kiss my cellulite-ridden 35-year-old ass. (Bye, bye Mom Sexy.)

1. For the months of July and August, I pretty much ate and drank whatever I damn well pleased, and I didn’t work out, minus a kayak trip across Boothbay Harbor that left my arms feeling like jello. And you know what? I gained a good 10 pounds…which I’m having a bitch of a time trying to lose now. But what really sucks is that 10 years ago, I would’ve had every single one of those 10 pounds off simply by cutting the junk for a few days. But at 35, after over a week on the WADS diet (no wheat, alcohol, dairy, or sugar), I’m down a whopping 3 pounds. What. The. Fu&%.

2. Even though I bitched and moaned like a little brat because none of my dresses fit while I was getting ready for my husband to take me out for dinner on my birthday, I still went to said dinner (and ate a FAT steak) and threw on a pair of heels so I could at least salvage some shred of looking pretty. And the next day, I had foot cramp after foot cramp after foot cramp. All from wearing heels for two hours. (You just wait, Kate Middleton…your day is coming.)

3. I thought my boobs were saggy right after I had my son, and honestly, I didn’t think they could get any lower. But I was wrong. Gravity takes on a whole new meaning at 35 — and I’m only an A-cup. (Pathetic.)

4. Hot 20-something chicks with perfect bodies are even more of a buzz kill than they were when I was one of them. And if you’re 35 and say seeing their tight little tushes and flat tummies doesn’t bother you, try having a job where the majority of your day is spent looking at images of hot 20-something chicks with perfect bodies. You’ll start to self-loathe too…I swear.

5. Even though I’m old, I still have some shred of brain capacity left. Do the math — 15 years from now I’ll be 50. And 15 years ago I was in college, which seems like yesterday, which is a pretty good indicator of just how fast 50 is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. Fu&%.

6. Not only do I have problems losing weight and staying awake most nights…I totally can’t party anymore either. I tried it a few months ago and it was nothing short of a humongous train wreck — complete with the ugly cry, and one hell of a hangover the next day. (Man, I really miss the days when I could hang. I sure was a fun gal.)

7. It’s all over. And what I mean by “It” is all the good stuff you look forward to when you’re a hot 20-something chick, like getting engaged, having a big fancy wedding, getting pregnant, having kids, etc. For me, at 35, all that shit is over. I’ve run out of milestones…and it’s gettin’ to me a little bit.

8. The “responsible adult” thing has kicked into high gear. Nobody takes care of me anymore, which isn’t a bad thing, but it means I have to have my head screwed on straight at all times. Once in a while, it would really be nice not to be in charge of anything. But that’s never going to happen, because I’m 35 and being 35 means I have to act like a grown up. (Meh.)

9. I. Can’t. Remember. Shit. — And this really blows, because I’ve always bragged about my amazing photographic memory. But last night, I spent like 20 minutes looking for my son’s sneakers, and a couple weeks ago, I “lost” his school supply list, only to discover I had put it directly into a folder I’d made so I wouldn’t lose any of his important school papers. WTF???

10. It’s the beginning of the end. If I can’t lose weight at 35, how in the hell am I going to lose it at 40? And if I can’t walk in heels now, how am I ever going to pull off looking good at the upcoming wedding I’m in where I’m a bridesmaid for what will probably be the last time in my life? (Yay! A milestone!) And if I can’t remember where the hell anything is, just how bad is it going to be in another 10 years or so when I have even more shit to remember than I did before? Holy shit. I’ve HAD it with 35.

I think my BFF really summed things up best. Her exact words were, “Fu&% 35. Fu&% it to hell!!!”

(Amen, my dear. Amen.)

 

Comments

  1. 1
    Maggie says:

    It’s so weird, for me, I have never felt prettier than I have at 35. I do feel old in ways, like I just took my daughter to freshman orientation, but I guess my expectations are just lower? Of course, once I hit a weight over 200, I obviously wasn’t too wrapped up in my figure. Lol

  2. 2

    AMEN Sista!!!!!!!! I turn the big 3-5 next saturday. Having real issues with this one…for the same reasons as you. It’s officially mid 30′s. 35 feels and sounds So. Freaking. OLD. It sucks. My husband is going on 38 and is falling apart. I’m hoping I won’t be as bad as him, seeing as I didn’t demolish my body with high school and college sports, but still. Not one bit happy about this birthday. But I still want presents and cake. I never thought I would be one of those women who refused to tell anyone her age…not so much anymore.

  3. 3
    mindy says:

    I. Love. This. Post.
    And ps- heels are not required. Any black shoe you want… I just ordered white platform flip flops for under my dress. (Assuming, of course, my dress fits *my* 35 year old @ss after my july and august of fun!!

  4. 4
    Rorybore says:

    what’s truly appalling…..is that by 40 something, like me….you just won’t give a sh%t about it anymore. And by “it” I mean, pretty much frickin everything. It’s amazing the complacency and apathy that can roll in just 5 years time. I swore I would be down those last 10 lbs by my 40th, and well…I don’t know. I don’t own a scale anymore. meh, screw it. pass the wine.
    Happy Belated birthday.

  5. 5
    Kristan says:

    We share the exact same birthday and I totally agree! 35 sucks donkey balls!

  6. 6

    I turned 37 last June. I feel your pain, literally

  7. 7
    Kristin says:

    You know, I usually look forward to birthdays, but with my 35th coming in January, you’ve got me searching for the magic button that stops time.

    On the bright side, at our age, we finally have the money to start doing the things we dreamed about when we were in our 20′s. If there is a dirty diaper that needs changed, we can give the kid back to his or her mother, and we FINALLY understand all the stuff our parents once told us someday we’d understand.

    Happy belated birthday!!

  8. 8
    Shell says:

    Oh, I so relate.

    Being closer to 40 than to 30 is what really bugs me.

  9. 9
    Tina says:

    Screw that crap! 35 is awesome. Repeat after me: 35 IS AWESOME! You know what you’re doing, you know what you want, you are comfortable in your own skin and you just GET it. 35 is fan-freaking-tastic.
    I, on the other hand just turned 37. That sucks rocks.
    Just sayin.
    You have 2 years to kick ass at 35 because 37 is a giant buzzkill so my suggestion is to PARTAY about 35.
    Happy belated birthday!
    Best,
    Tina

  10. 10
    nmaha says:

    If I can’t go back to being a school girl, then being 20 or 30 or 40 doesn’t really matter to me. The only factors that are hitting me hard are – the weight issue and the fact that I want to sleep after I’ve had a few glasses. So I hear you lady, I hear you.

    In fact in my almost middleagedness I seem to have become more girlie, is that a deparate attempt to stay young and sexy? Hmmm…….I wonder.
    http://seekingsynergy.wordpress.com/2012/09/12/when-did-i-become-a-girlie-girl/

  11. 11

    It just hit me and you are so right about not having anymore major milestones when you get to your mid 30′s. I’m only 32 and have done the wedding, the baby, buying the home and these days I feel stuck and depressed sometimes about not knowing what to do next. My sister is 23 and sometimes I get so upset with her when she squanders away her 20′s by falling into the all work and no play trap. If she would only listen to us 30 something gals! Happy belated birthday!

  12. 12
    amanda says:

    For whatever reason my trigger is having to fill out forms and having to check the 29-35 box. instead of the teen box or the much loved 20-25 box.

  13. 13
    Wendy says:

    I don’t care what you say, I am almost 35 (January birthday) and I love it. I hated my twenties, I was in a waste-of-my-time relationship, and I married my husband at 33, been married for two years and I am happier than I have ever been, feel younger too. The baby thing has not happened, and I don’t feel old either. Its a state of mind. If impatiently did it all before 35 then I can see why you feel old and tired. Never rush marriage or kids.

  14. 14
    Mandy says:

    I know I’m a bit late to the party, but I had to say that this perfectly describes the last few weeks of my life. My 35th is in two days and I’m considering going into lock-down to avoid celebration of any sort. Truth is, I considered celebrating until I thought about the wretched hangover I’d end up with. I also used to have an amazing memory, but in the last 3 days I’ve had to make 4 lists before going out to shop! And I’ve been lax with my diet lately, which I used to be able to get away with, but I had to dig out my fat jeans last night. I’m sure (or hope?) that I’ll look back on it differently, but right now I completely agree. Fu&% 35.

  15. 15
    Yuna says:

    I’m 29 and I hate it tbh.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] of this early-midlife-crisis-holy-shit-I’m-35-years-old funk I’ve been in ever since I turned 35 last August. (That means this year I’m gonna be 36. [...]

  2. [...] couple of years ago, I was all bent out of shape about turning 35, you know, because it marked the end of my early 30s — a time which had been stamped into my [...]

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