Super Bowl Sunday: 10 Reasons It’s Just Another Conspiracy Against Parents

Yeah, so today is Super Bowl Sunday. Millions of people all over the U.S. are all fired up and ready to get their couch potato on to enjoy the one day out of the year that’s pretty much reserved for doing nothing, getting all kinds of shitty drunk, and enjoying copious amounts of artery-clogging food without one single ounce of guilt.

For many, today is pure awesomesauce. But for parents, it pretty much sucks a fat one.

You see, the Super Bowl is nothing but another huge conspiracy against parents, because it’s sole purpose is to remind us that we are in fact, parents, and our carefree days of enjoying the hall pass for partying that Super Bowl Sunday brings are O-V-E-R.

Not convinced that today totally blows? Here’s a little insight into my conspiracy theory.

1. It’s no longer an excuse to get drunk, because, well, you have kids and if you get drunk while the kids are home that’s just really freakin’ irresponsible. Of course, some of us do it anyway, which makes the Super Bowl another excuse for people who don’t approve of said drinking to give us “the look” and tell us we should probably “take it easy.” (Every party has a pooper…)

2. You can’t yell and scream. Because unless you’re on the west coast, the damn game doesn’t start till 6:30 p.m., which is only an hour or two away from bedtime for the kiddos, so pretty much as soon as the game gets going, you have to turn down the damn TV and sit there like a couple of mute senior citizens.

3. It’s one more reason for moms and dads to fight like moms and dads. Whether it be the noise level, one of you not giving a shit about the game in the first place, or one of you having to do bedtime while the other sits on his/her ass and watches the game, the Super Bowl is basically an open invitation for marital conflict.

4. You can’t have a party. See reasons 1 thru 3. (Unless you manage to ditch the kids for the night, of course.)

5. You can’t go to a party. Because it’s Super Bowl fu&%ing Sunday and there’s no way in hell you’re finding a babysitter who isn’t at some other Super Bowl party, getting drunk as hell like her kid-free ass should.

6. Stuffing your face is out of the question. Why? Because the whole “the diet starts Monday” thing is getting REALLY old, especially since you’ve been saying it since New Year’s. Get it together and eat a carrot, already.

7. Forget the kids’ bedtime, the damn game goes way past your bedtime, and if you want to be able to function tomorrow, you’d better hit the hay at a reasonable hour.

8. Um, Beyonce is the halftime show. Beyonce, as in Beyonce, the mother of a 1-year-old. Who the fu&% is watching her baby so she can perform at the fu&%ing Super Bowl?!? Oh yeah, that’s right. One of her ten-or-so nannies. And I’ll bet she’s attending some sort of swanky, 24-carat gold covered after party too. Must be nice. (Bitch.)

9. The cheerleaders. Ok, so I’m sure any dads reading this will disagree with me, but for the moms? Yeah, cheerleaders only serve as yet another reminder of the bangin’ bodies most of us can only dream of ever having again. They’re total self-esteem killers. And we hate ’em.

10. No matter who wins, you lose. For parents, it’s still Sunday night, and most of us have to work tomorrow. And nobody’s going to present us with a friggin’ trophy, even though the game we play each and every day is a hell of a lot harder than whatever just went down on that field.

Do you have big plans for the Super Bowl? (Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

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