A little less than a month ago, the unthinkable happened. I fucking turned 36 — and now I’m well on my way out of my mid-30s and I’m entering my late 30s — and for whatever reason, I feel like I’ve crossed some sort of threshold into full-blown old lady territory.
And yes, I know that age is only a number and you’re only as old as you feel and all that bullshit — but a couple weekends ago, I suddenly became fully aware of how many years I’ve been on this earth and felt every single minute of the 36 years I’ve got under my belt.
There’s really no subtle way of saying this, so I’ll just go ahead and put it out there. In a span of about five minutes, I went from a normal, married 36-year-old mom of one to a complete and total cougar for this dude:
Yep. That’s Harry Styles from One Direction. After attending a screening of the band’s new movie, One Direction: This Is Us — little dude and I had the chance to attend a meet and greet with the band. And while all five of them were all sorts of adorable — I found myself sitting there listening to Harry’s sexy-as-all-hell accent and thinking, “How come I never realized how freakin’ hot this guy is?” And then I found my thoughts drifting to all sorts of things that aren’t appropriate to talk about in a blog post. (Well, at least not this kinda blog.)
And then I got kind of embarrassed because I was sitting there talking to the 1D dudes with my kid sitting right next to me — which gave me away as a mom who is also technically old enough to be their mother — and that’s when I realized I’d officially hit cougar status.
And because I apparently have too much time on my hands this morning — I’ve come up with a fun little checklist so you can figure out whether or not you’ve made the leap into cougar territory too.
You might be a cougar if …
- You can’t remember the last time you felt sexy, vibrant, and desirable — and you figure if maybe you can somehow get a younger dude to hit on you and actually mean it, you just might stop feeling like a washed up old hag.
- You think to yourself, “Sure, this dude can have his pick of any drop dead gorgeous size zero 20-somethings his little heart desires, but maybe he’d be into a mature woman who won’t bring any drama into the mix.” (As if.)
- The next thought that enters your brain is, “Damn. The things I could teach this kid.” (Use your imaginations, people.)
- You find yourself realizing that whatever you’re feeling towards the younger dude is purely physical — and then the “no strings attached” part of the hypothetical scenario makes the whole idea even hotter. (And he’s a celeb, so you could probably swing a hall pass.)
- You do the math and realize that you were a junior in high school when the guy in question was born — and you don’t give a rat’s ass. (Hey, we’re all adults now, so who cares?)
- You come home from said encounter with the younger dude and have a conversation about him with one of your mom friends who also happens to agree that he’s one seriously hot piece — and you realize she’s a cougar too and then the cougar thing actually seems pretty cool and hilarious. (It is … right?)
- You’re more than willing to put up with the Twitter trolls and stares of confusion from everyone around you when you show up on this guy’s arm at the Grammys as “the mystery blonde who’s WAY over-the-hill and must be his aunt because anything else is just plain disgusting.” (The adrenaline rush would SO be worth being labeled the most hated woman in the world for one evening.)
- You have absolutely no qualms about admitting to the blogosphere that you’re a total cougar and you aren’t the least bit worried about whether or not your husband reads about it because you know he’ll simply roll his eyes and mutter, “Yeah, in her DREAMS” under his breath and then he’ll enjoy a good chuckle over the whole thing.
(But if he knew what kinds of shenanigans have been taking place in my dreams since my little 1D encounter, he’d probably put the divorce attorney on speed dial.)
Ok, time to fess up — have you had any cougar moments?
Image via Mary Fischer