Three New Year’s Resolutions Already In The Crapper

Today is January 3rd, 2011, and we are barely into the brand new year. Three days have officially passed in 2011…and I’ve already officially broken three of my friggin’ New Year’s Resolutions.

I figured that fessing up to my failures was a good plan, you know…cuz I believe in karma and all that jazz. Without further ado…I give you three of my New Year’s Resolutions that are already in the shitter.

RESOLUTION #1: “To recognize when I’m about to have diarrhea of the mouth and act like my jaw is wired shut instead. Translation: I vow to stop ripping the hubster a new asshole when he doesn’t deserve one. Just because I can’t find the scissors doesn’t necessarily mean that he intentionally hid them just to drive me insane.”

REALITY: On New Year’s Day, I yelled at the hubster at least twice before noon. Somebody seriously needs to shove a good dose of Immodium AD down my throat. At the rate I’m going, I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t find himself a new wife by 2012.

RESOLUTION #2: “To lay off the booze.”

REALITY: Ok, so I may have been pretty much kidding when it comes to the whole “laying off the booze” thing, but I was seriously going to try to cut back a bit. I was planning on having green tea for my evening night cap tonight, but this morning, I got my AeroPilates DVD stuck in my laptop, which proceeded to shit the bed to the point where I couldn’t even turn it off. I drove 45 minutes to The Apple Store this afternoon, waited another 45 minutes at the Genius Bar to see one of their “geniuses” (even though I had a reservation), and when I finally sat down with my assigned geek, he was done with me in about five seconds. He managed to shut off the laptop, reboot it, and pop the stuck DVD out before I had the chance to make an excuse for why I couldn’t figure it out for myself.

Did I mention that my new AeroPilates reformer with cardio rebounder is the most kick-ass workout I’ve ever tried? I’m so sore that it hurts to shit.

Pass the vodka, please. Green tea is for sissies.

RESOLUTION #3: “To either seriously consider getting a boob job or shut the hell up about my saggy, minuscule boobs. At least there is never a chance of them making me look fat, right?”

REALITY: I hate my fu&%ing boobs. Today, after the completely and totally worthless trip to The Apple Store, I figured that I’d pop into Ann Taylor Loft to pick myself up something cute as a reward for my trouble, and to validate the drive out there somehow.

There was THE CUTEST little black dress on sale. I tried it on…and without getting into numbers, I will tell you that it WAS NOT a big size. Like at ALL.

But my boobs STILL couldn’t fill out the top, so I left Ann Taylor Loft without that little black dress.

#FAIL

The end.

New Year’s Resolutions 2011

The Mommyologist’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2011: (We’re all busy as hell this week, and this post really doesn’t need any other intro than that. Enjoy).

1. To completely erase the concept of time from my memory. This way, when my son wakes me up at the ass-crack of dawn, I won’t be able to read the clock, so I won’t give a damn that I’ve only had a few hours of sleep.

2. To recognize when I’m about to have diarrhea of the mouth and act like my jaw is wired shut instead. Translation: I vow to stop ripping the hubster a new asshole when he doesn’t deserve one. Just because I can’t find the scissors doesn’t necessarily mean that he intentionally hid them just to drive me insane.

3. To stop rolling my eyes and saying, “Barf.” out loud when I see a lovey-dovey newly dating couple all up in each other’s grill like they might die if they miss one breath that the other takes. Marriage is hard, and the hubster and I may be well past the honeymoon phase, but I still wouldn’t trade it. It’s worth it. Plus, that bitch still has to rush home to her OWN house to take a shit because she’s too embarrassed to do it with the boyfriend around. I definitely don’t have that problem.

4. To finally embrace the fact that this house isn’t going to organize itself, as much as I’d like it to. And maybe if I try to get somewhat organized, it will save the hubster from getting yelled at because I can’t find whatever the hell it is that I happen to be looking for on that particular day. (See New Year’s Resolution #2).

5. To lay off the booze. (Yes, of COURSE I’m kidding)!

6. To get back into a regular ass-shaking routine. I haven’t done enough ass-shaking the past few months, and that’s going to change in 2011. (Zumba…here I come…remember me)?

7. To either seriously consider getting a boob job or shut the hell up about my saggy, minuscule boobs. At least there is never a chance of them making me look fat, right?

8. To continue my revolution to bring back Mom Sexy. Yes, I’ve been slacking with Mom Sexy lately, and I’ve even lost MY sexy a few times, and this is all going to change in 2011. And yes, the extra treats that I indulged in over the holidays have taken up permanent residence on my ASS…but let’s face it…the extra cookies just make my ass look sexier. Isn’t having an ass a GOOD thing? I’m MOM SEXY DAMMIT.

9. To reactivate my “I don’t give a fu&%!” switch. You know…the switch that you flip that frees you from giving a crap about what other people think? I feel like my switch has been off a bit lately, and I’m turning it back on. I am who I am, and that’s never going to change. (But if I do say so myself, I think I’m a pretty cool chick). SWITCH OFFICIALLY REACTIVATED.

10. To refocus and revisit why I started The Mommyologist in the first place. I know I’ve been slacking a bit. I know I haven’t been around as much. And I know that I haven’t been the best bloggy friend that I can. But that’s all going to change in 2011…because I have a plan. 2010 was amazing…but I think that 2011 may just be “my year.” ┬áStay tuned.

Happy New Year Everyone!