November 14, 2011

I Got My Son In Trouble at Kindergarten

There’s really no better way to end the week than with a good old fashioned mommy fail, is there?

Well, that’s pretty much how things ended for me last Friday when my son got off the bus. He was trying to be all cryptic and shit about what went down at Kindergarten that day, but the gist of it is that I forgot to put his freakin’ library book in his backpack.

I know…total crime, right?

Every Friday, the kids get to check out a book from the school library, and then they bring it back the following Friday and so on and so forth.

Remember how I bitched and moaned told you guys that school was canceled for over a week during our insane power outage? Yeah, well that meant that the kids finally went back to school on a Wednesday…not a Friday.

Put a Wednesday school return together with the fact that I was completely traumatized after being displaced for EIGHT DAYS, and yes, I forgot the fu%&in’ library book. SUE ME.

Settle down folks…I already put it into his backpack this morning so that it can go back to its home safe and sound at the school library…away from forgetful moms like me.

In other related news, little dude also came home with a backpack full of dead trees last Friday, as he does at the end of every week.

And included in the pile this time was this:

 

 

Yep. That’s some kind of stinkin’ turkey feather that they are supposed to decorate and bring back to school by a certain date, which apparently means I’ll need to chisel a reminder into the skin on the back of my hand so I don’t forget to return it in time. Little dude already started coloring it, as you can see.

The damn thing, of course, came with instructions, which read as follows:

“Dear Parents…We are planning to make a large turkey to display in the hall. As part of our family theme, we would like each child to decorate a tail feather with their family members. Use any non-perishable materials you would like to make it as unique as your family. Please return to school during the week of November 14th.”

Non-perishable materials? Damn. There goes my big plan for smearing it with mayonnaise and gluing tuna fish to the front.

Holy SHIT. What week is this?

I’d better not fu%& this one up.

 

 

36 Comments
Posted Under: Kindergarten
October 3, 2011

I’m America’s Worst Kindergarten Mom

Ok…so I’m about a month into this whole Kindergarten thing…and I’m going to go ahead and give myself a grade of “F” as far as being a kindergarten parent goes.

“F,” of course, stands for FAIL. But in my case, “F’ also stands for “Fu&% me because I’m really not sure that I’m smart enough or organized enough for this fu&%ing shit.”

After little dude got off the bus last Friday, I opened his backpack expecting to find one or two papers in there, plus a list of snacks available for purchase for the following week.

Wanna know what I found instead?

A WHOLE ENTIRE SACK FULL OF DEAD TREES. Think I’m exaggerating?

 

Um...WTF?

 

Seriously…do you believe that shit?

And buried in this insane pile of dead trees was more evidence that I may quite possibly be America’s worst kindergarten mom.

Here are a few clues that indicate that I deserve that title:

 

1. The school newsletter was included in the papers, and the newsletter has a little section for each grade, which talks about what they are specifically learning, etc. Apparently the kindergartners are getting acquainted with the school and doing a refresher on reading and math and stuff like that. And apparently some of the OTHER kindergarten parents have brought in plenty of school supplies to donate to the class, because there was a thank you note included in the newsletter. And what have I contributed to the kindergarten classroom as far as supplies go?

That’s right…JACK SHIT.

FAIL.

 

2. Another thing that was stuffed in his bag among the papers? His first freakin’ homework assignment. For the month of October, they give us a list of activities where we have to have our kids pick three off the list each week, check off the box that they were completed, and then the back of the paper has a questionnaire that has to be filled out at the end of the month detailing what their favorite activity was, etc.

What are the odds of me actually remembering to assign activities to little dude on top of all of the other shit I have to try and remember to do on a daily basis?

SLIM TO NONE.

Why do I have this funny feeling that little dude and I will be pulling an all-nighter on Halloween as far as that damn activity list goes?

FAIL.

 

3. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I freaked out over the fact that little dude brought home a fundraising packet? Well…I wound up just having both me and my mom order some stuff from the catalog and I wrote the school a nice, decent sized check and figured that I had done my duty as a parent as far as fundraising packets go.

But then on Friday, little dude brought home ANOTHER fundraising packet, which was deemed the FALL FUNDRAISER.

Maybe I’m just the dumbest bitch in the state of Connecticut, but if this one is the FALL FUNDRAISER, then what the fu%& kind of fundraiser was the FIRST fundraising packet supposed to be?

And you know what’s even worse? Look at what’s included in the FALL fundraising packet:

 

They're trying to kill my Mom Sexy. I know it.

 

CAKES, COOKIES, PIES, and OTHER BAKED GOODS.

I just finished a 10-day detox where I lost 7 pounds and got back into my favorite pair of Seven jeans. And there is no way in hell I’m going to disrespect the fact that I managed to give up booze and sugar for 10 days for some damn school fundraiser that I thought I was already done with.

Sorry PTO…no check for you this time.

FAIL.

On that note, I think I’ll get my ass off the couch and go look for a nice tiara to wear for my new title of “America’s Worst Kindergarten Mom.”

It really has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

33 Comments
Posted Under: Kindergarten
September 20, 2011

Little Dude’s First Library Card

Today, I took little dude to the library, which as I’m sure you can all agree, is a pretty mundane activity when there’s no story hour or anything fancy like that going on.

It’s a very rainy day here in Connecticut, so I figured I’d take little dude down there to pick out a few books for us to read together later on this afternoon.

As soon as we walked in, we ran into one of his old preschool classmates from the past two years and his mom (who I totally miss talking to in the preschool parking lot…and don’t even get me started again on how much I miss preschool).

We caught up for a few minutes…and then I ran into ANOTHER person I knew, this time my blogger friend (I’m not sure if she uses her real name online and I’m not about to be the chick who outs her) from A Year With Mom and Dad.

I never knew that a small town library like mine could be such a bitchin’ scene, but apparently it was THE place to be today.

Ok, I’ll cut to the chase because I feel like this post is getting somewhat off track.

We went to check out the books that little dude had selected, and I discovered that since he’s five-years old now, he was eligible for his VERY OWN library card. He was beyond ecstatic.

After receiving said library card, we were directed upstairs where the nice lady in the children’s department gave little dude a goodie bag that all kids get when they receive their very first library card.

 

No, I have no friggin clue why that glare is there. Deal with it.

 

I haven’t looked through the bag to see what all is in there, but I can tell you that one of the items was a green balloon that needed to be blown up.

I told little dude I’d do it for him, so I took it out of the bag, put it in my mouth, and proceeded to try and blow air into it.

And do you know what happened?

The thing was so damn tight that instead of blowing air into it, I blew it halfway across the room, and then I realized the act of blowing had made me start to pee my pants.

And that was my day.

Little dude got his library card, and I successfully ruined a perfectly good pair of Hanky Panky underwear.

Did I mention that I’m in the midst of a 10-day detox and can’t have coffee or booze?

 

 

22 Comments
Posted Under: Kindergarten
September 16, 2011

What The Hell is a “Room Parent?”

SIGH.

Well…little dude has just completed day twelve of kindergarten. And I’m still getting my ass kicked.

Where the hell is my owner’s manual again? May I reiterate that I’m just not cut out for this big kid shit?

Fu&% me.

After he got off the bus, I checked little dude’s backpack for papers as I do every day, and found a bunch of random shit jammed in there.

I’ll just go ahead and cut to the chase since it’s Friday and cocktail hour is approaching.

Among the papers I retrieved from little dude’s backpack, I found a flyer that read something along these lines:

 

 

Please Join us for the Room Parent’s Tea!

Tuesday, September 27th

3:45 pm

Location (I’m not effin’ stupid enough to disclose little dude’s school online).

 

 

(Some cute little clip-art picture of a house was in the middle of the page)

 

 

“If you would like to be a room parent for your child’s classroom, please RSVP to (some chick I don’t know).”

 

I have a couple of questions here:

 

1. What the hell is a “Room Parent?”

2. Am I invited to the damn tea or not?

 

It says that the tea is for Room Parents, but given the fact that I have no idea what the fu&% a Room Parent is, and the fact that the flyer indicates that it’s something I have to sign up for, then why the hell was I teased with this invite if I’m not exactly eligible to attend?

I feel like I’m back in 6th grade again when this boy named Eric Bowers only invited me to his birthday party because his mother made him invite the entire class so no one’s feelings got hurt.

It was a pool party.

And I had a fat crush on Eric Bowers. And he pointed and laughed at my chubby sixth grade self when he saw me in my bathing suit. (Asshat).

I don’t really know what else to say except: Kindergarten = 12, The Mommyologist = ZERO.

Where the hell is my drink?

 

 

57 Comments
Posted Under: Kindergarten
September 14, 2011

Kindergarten May Give Me The Shits

OMG.

My son has only been in kindergarten for a week and a half, and I’m already considering selling my soul to his former preschool in the hopes that they’ll take him back for the next 18 years.

I honestly don’t know if I can handle this big kid shit. Because the big kid shit is totally going to give ME the shits.

Here’s a run down of how things have gone thus far:

 

Day One: I got in trouble with the bus driver because I told little dude to get off with the kids across the street when the bus stopped. Apparently “they don’t cross kindergartners,” and I was instructed that she would drive down the street and drop off more kids and then swing back around and deposit little dude right in front of our house. (How the hell was I supposed to know that)?

Day Two: I went over the afternoon bus routine at least 30 times with little dude so that I didn’t get in trouble with the bus driver again. And I totally got on his last nerve after explaining things over and over and over again. And then I found myself sitting in my kitchen nervous eating all damn day until he got home because I was so worried that he wouldn’t do that shit correctly. (For the record, he did).

Day Three: Little dude decided he needed to drop a deuce about two minutes before the bus pulled up. Cue the stress.

Days Four through Six: Went pretty normal.

Days Seven and Eight: I pulled little dude out of school to attend a family event in Pittsburgh. (Shame on me for screwing up his perfect attendance record).

Which brings us right up to Day Nine.

Day Nine: Little dude came home with a freakin’ FUNDRAISING packet. And I HATE that shit. (The general consensus on Twitter is that I should just write a check and be done with it. Love the support of my tweeps).

He also came home with piece of paper with the letter “B” on it, and he had drawn pictures next to the letter of things that start with “B.”

Looks like the teacher thought the bike and balloon he sketched were pretty cute. The “bomb” he drew? Not so much.

(That’s what I get for having 9/11 news coverage on in our hotel over the weekend).

Oh yeah, and one more thing? Little dude announced that he is the “special helper” at school tomorrow, and that he has to bring in a show-and-tell item that begins with the letter “G.”

“G.”

What the fu&%?

What the hell begins with “G” that is good for show-and-tell?

I suggested his bucket of “gardening tools” and he shot me down.

 

This is a perfect "G" item, don't you think?

 

And his damn “guitar” is too big for his backpack.

And something tells me that if he brings in “gin,” it will be kind of frowned upon.

Yeah…something tells me that Day TEN is going straight to hell in a handbasket.

As I said…I just don’t think I’m cut out for this shit.

 

 

63 Comments
Posted Under: Kindergarten, school bus