Super Bowl Sunday: 10 Reasons It’s Just Another Conspiracy Against Parents

Yeah, so today is Super Bowl Sunday. Millions of people all over the U.S. are all fired up and ready to get their couch potato on to enjoy the one day out of the year that’s pretty much reserved for doing nothing, getting all kinds of shitty drunk, and enjoying copious amounts of artery-clogging food without one single ounce of guilt.

For many, today is pure awesomesauce. But for parents, it pretty much sucks a fat one.

You see, the Super Bowl is nothing but another huge conspiracy against parents, because it’s sole purpose is to remind us that we are in fact, parents, and our carefree days of enjoying the hall pass for partying that Super Bowl Sunday brings are O-V-E-R.

Not convinced that today totally blows? Here’s a little insight into my conspiracy theory.

1. It’s no longer an excuse to get drunk, because, well, you have kids and if you get drunk while the kids are home that’s just really freakin’ irresponsible. Of course, some of us do it anyway, which makes the Super Bowl another excuse for people who don’t approve of said drinking to give us “the look” and tell us we should probably “take it easy.” (Every party has a pooper…)

2. You can’t yell and scream. Because unless you’re on the west coast, the damn game doesn’t start till 6:30 p.m., which is only an hour or two away from bedtime for the kiddos, so pretty much as soon as the game gets going, you have to turn down the damn TV and sit there like a couple of mute senior citizens.

3. It’s one more reason for moms and dads to fight like moms and dads. Whether it be the noise level, one of you not giving a shit about the game in the first place, or one of you having to do bedtime while the other sits on his/her ass and watches the game, the Super Bowl is basically an open invitation for marital conflict.

4. You can’t have a party. See reasons 1 thru 3. (Unless you manage to ditch the kids for the night, of course.)

5. You can’t go to a party. Because it’s Super Bowl fu&%ing Sunday and there’s no way in hell you’re finding a babysitter who isn’t at some other Super Bowl party, getting drunk as hell like her kid-free ass should.

6. Stuffing your face is out of the question. Why? Because the whole “the diet starts Monday” thing is getting REALLY old, especially since you’ve been saying it since New Year’s. Get it together and eat a carrot, already.

7. Forget the kids’ bedtime, the damn game goes way past your bedtime, and if you want to be able to function tomorrow, you’d better hit the hay at a reasonable hour.

8. Um, Beyonce is the halftime show. Beyonce, as in Beyonce, the mother of a 1-year-old. Who the fu&% is watching her baby so she can perform at the fu&%ing Super Bowl?!? Oh yeah, that’s right. One of her ten-or-so nannies. And I’ll bet she’s attending some sort of swanky, 24-carat gold covered after party too. Must be nice. (Bitch.)

9. The cheerleaders. Ok, so I’m sure any dads reading this will disagree with me, but for the moms? Yeah, cheerleaders only serve as yet another reminder of the bangin’ bodies most of us can only dream of ever having again. They’re total self-esteem killers. And we hate ‘em.

10. No matter who wins, you lose. For parents, it’s still Sunday night, and most of us have to work tomorrow. And nobody’s going to present us with a friggin’ trophy, even though the game we play each and every day is a hell of a lot harder than whatever just went down on that field.

Do you have big plans for the Super Bowl? (Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

Tips For New Parents That I Couldn’t Say on Television

Right before the Christmas break, I had the opportunity to appear on Mass Appeal, WWLP Channel 22, once again…this time to give some survival tips for new moms and dads. Mass Appeal’s host, Ashley, is about to have her first child any day now, so it seemed fitting for me to go on the show and discuss this topic right before her maternity leave.

While I gave what I thought was some pretty good advice for new parents during my segment on the show, there was plenty more I wanted to say…but it’s kind of frowned upon to swear on TV. On that note, I came up with a list of 10 additional tips for brand new moms and dads that I could not say on television without being escorted out by security.

First and foremost, here is the video clip of my Mass Appeal appearance:

 

 

Advice for New Moms & Dads: wwlp.com

 

Aren’t I a freakin’ sweetie pie?

Ok…here are 10 other brutally honest tips that I have for new moms and dads, all of which may scare the shit out them and make them resent ever having read this blog.

 

1. Learn to become completely immune to receiving the middle finger or hearing random outbursts of “Go Fu&% Yourself!” from your spouse. He/she is totally and completely overwhelmed and sleep deprived, and he/she knows not what he/she says. Consider expletives as terms of endearment immediately upon bringing home a newborn.

2. Moms – At least for the first couple of months, either break all of the freakin’ mirrors in your house or cover them up with tinfoil…especially the big one in the bathroom. Trust me…you don’t want to see your naked reflection right after you’ve pushed a child out of your va-jay-jay, and while there are random fluids leaking from every orifice of your body. Your Mom Sexy will eventually return…but at the beginning? Looking in the mirror can be detrimental to your psychological health.

3. Dads – (I say this with complete and total respect): Find a nice, quiet, dark place in your house to jack off. Because chances are you aren’t getting laid for at least 3-6 months. Deal with it, and every time you are horny as hell and get all pissed off that your wife doesn’t want to fu%& you, just stop for a moment and take time to be thankful that you didn’t have to squeeze a human head out of your penis.

4. Just because you are completely and totally fascinated by the color, size, shape, and smell of your baby’s poop doesn’t mean that every single person you encounter will be as mesmerized by it. Consider your baby’s poop to be a secret, intimate conversation that is reserved for your spouse, the grandparents, your pediatrician, and for your good friends who have kids. Assume that anyone outside the scope of those particular individuals doesn’t give a shit…(no pun intended).

5. Ladies…take all of your sexy thong underwear and hide it in the back of your dresser somewhere for use at a later date. I’m sorry to break it to you…but the mesh panties you brought home from the hospital are about as close to lingerie as you’re going to get for at least a couple of months. Sad, but true.

6. Don’t expect too damn much the first time that you finally have sex again after getting the all-clear from the OBGYN. First-time sex after childbirth pretty much resembles regular first-time sex. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and odds are good that you will have to fake the big “O”. The only difference between losing your virginity and having post-baby sex for the first time is that this time you’ll be hurrying things up not because you have no clue what you’re doing, but instead because you know that there is only a small window of time to get it on in between middle of the night feedings. Hump while you can…and hump FAST.

7. Before scheduling a girls or boys night out, always consult your spouse first to make sure that he/she knows you are planning on hitting the town without him or her. Gone are the days of calling on the way home from work to tell your spouse that you are stopping by your favorite local bar to have a couple cocktails. NOPE. You’ve gotta get that shit approved and scheduled on the calendar EACH AND EVERY TIME. Your days of spontaneity and flying by the seat of your pants are totally over. (For at least the next five years or more).

8. If you’re one of those people who is OCD either about having a perfectly clean house or having everything put in its place at all times or a combination of both of these things, then you’d better think about seeing a hypnotist immediately. Because you’re pretty much up shit creek.

9. Get yourself used to the idea of being pissed on, shit on, barfed on, or a random combination of the three. It’s inevitable that you will find yourself in a scenario like this sometime (if not more than once) in the next year or so. It’s important to learn to recognize the signs of being in a moment when you are about to be pissed on, shit on, or barfed on, and brace yourself accordingly. You also need to learn to part ways with whatever outfit you happen to be wearing when said situation occurs. The dumpster works way better than the washing machine in most cases.

10. Stop beating yourself up and asking whether or not this was the right time in your life to have kids, because the truth is that no time is ever the RIGHT time. Enjoy the good moments, support each other during the challenging ones, and on those days when you truly feel like you are at your wits end, repeat this phrase in your head, “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.” Trust me…in a few years…you’ll have your life back, so to speak…and then you’ll wonder where in the hell the time went. Life with a newborn is not easy…but it WILL get better. I PROMISE.

(And yes…MOST people eventually start having regular sex again. I figured that any dads reading this quit paying attention the minute I said that they probably wouldn’t get laid for 3-6 months, so I thought it was best to throw this disclaimer in).

 

Parenthood Puts You In Your Place Sometimes

My son is five-years old. And I have to admit, I’m totally digging this age. He’s smart. He’s funny. He is still sweet and loves to cuddle, yet he is very independent and confident, which is a TOTAL plus.

Quite a few times in the past year, I’ve caught myself telling family and friends that this whole parenting thing is just “so much easier” at this age than it was when he was an infant or even a toddler.

Raising a five-year old IS definitely easier…and I AM getting my life back, so to speak, but every now and then as a mom, you get a firm reminder that you are in fact, a PARENT.

Because sometimes your kid totally puts you in your place like mine did tonight.

Just before bedtime tonight, little dude produced a HUGE poop. And not too long after said poop, he started kind of walking all weird and grabbing at his bum every five seconds.

This has happened before after he drops a big load, so I knew that I needed to go grab some diaper cream to put in there to ease the itching or burning or whatever the hell that big turd left him with.

I figured little dude would follow me into the bathroom to have his cream applied…but I was wrong.

Instead, I walked out of the bathroom and found him lying face down on the bed with his hands on his ass, spreading his butt cheeks apart so that I could put the cream in there.

And as I applied diaper cream directly into my son’s bare bum, I was reminded that I am above everything else, A MOM.

Yep…sometimes parenthood really puts you in your place.

Goodnight.

 

 

Five Things I Never Thought I’d Say Over Labor Day Weekend

As I sit here tonight and anxiously await the hubster to get little dude into bed so that we can watch Bachelor pad and take turns trying to imitate Kasey’s voice enjoy a couple more hours of quality time together before the long weekend ends, I can’t help but look back at Labor Day weekend 2011 and what a whirlwind it was.

And if you are wondering why I’m calling this Labor Day weekend a whirlwind, then take a couple minutes to read about how Hurricane Irene left SHIT in my basement. It’ll tell you all you need to know.

Without further ado, I give you five things I never thought I’d say over Labor Day weekend:

 

1. “Quit putting your feet all over the wine chiller!  I mean it! Leave it alone already!”- said to Little Dude. (Nobody messes with mama’s boyfriend a.k.a. Mr. Pinot Grigio).

2. “No problem at all! I’ll just add it to the shit soaked items in the garage and it will blend right in with the smell.” – said to my cousins after changing their 2-year old’s diaper.

3. “I’m not too worried about getting a sunroof. Sunroofs mess up my hair and I hate that.” – said to several car salesmen while checking out possible new rides. No weekend is complete without a little Mom Sexy.

4. “Yes honey, I know you heard that from Mommy, but if you yell ‘JESUS!’ at school, you’ll get sent to the principal’s office.”  (Guess I need to clean up my act a bit…)

 

I can't believe he's in kindergarten!!

 

5. “Honey, it really isn’t polite to hang your Angry Bird keychain on your wiener. Please take it off of there NOW.”  - WTF? (And yes, this was said to my kid, not the hubster thank GOD).

That’s all I’ve got folks. Hope your last weekend of summer was one to remember!

10 Signs That You Are Definitely Getting Older

I do my best to maintain my Mom Sexy, but I’m the first person to admit that I’m no spring chicken. The Mommyologist is getting older…and here are 10 ways to tell if you are too.

You are definitely getting older if:

1. You refuse to get within 100 feet of an Abercrombie and Fitch store for two reasons: a.) It’s just way too damn loud. b.) It smells way too much like your high school boyfriend, which makes you stop and wonder what the hell ever happened to him, which then makes you wonder why the hell you ever went out with him in the first place and why it took you a year and a half to get over a guy who dropped you like a bad habit as soon as he got back to boarding school. (The high school boyfriend is totally hypothetical…of course).

2. You start referring to the people on The Real World as “kids”, and throughout the show, you say, “That’s disgusting!” at least ten times, and you gag at least five times.

3. You are no longer embarrassed to purchase tampons, even when the cashier who rings you up at the grocery store is a 15-year old kid. Somewhere around age 28, you realized that you do indeed, have a vagina, and it is perfectly acceptable to menstruate. And it’s also perfectly acceptable to say the word “vagina” out loud. VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!

4. You realize that you are old enough to be Justin Bieber’s mother. ‘Nuff said.

5. When someone talks about something that happened 20 years ago, you can actually remember where you were and what you were doing 20 years ago. And chances are it involved either Abercrombie and Fitch, your menstruating vagina, or some strange combination of the two.

6. Gone are the days when you consider your parents to be a real drag. Your parents are still your parents, but they’re now also your best friends. And your parents’ best friends are still your parents’ best friends, but now you consider them your friends too, not just your parents’ friends. And nine times out of ten you’d rather hang out with your parents and your parents’ friends who are now also your friends than anyone else.

 

 

7. You catch yourself getting annoyed and rolling your eyes at teenagers who are giggling and having fun at the mall, because in your opinion, they are just creating unnecessary noise. Especially the ones who are lingering outside of Abercrombie and Fitch. (NEWS FLASH: Those teenagers are rolling their eyes at you too. They think you are pathetic and old, and they vow never to look like you when they are your age. After all, they’ll still be shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch and be hip to the latest trends, right)?

8. On any given Saturday evening, you find yourself getting a little bit giddy after realizing that Celebrity Ghost Stories has a new episode on the Biography Channel, and right after that, there is a documentary on how the states got their names on the History Channel. Break out the boxed wine baby…it’s gonna be a seriously bitchin’ night!

9. The thought of going to a frat party makes you want to douse your entire body in hand sanitizer and put on a gas mask. Let’s face it…if the memory of the stench of stale beer and man sweat doesn’t make you a bit nostalgic for your college days, then you are definitely over the hill.

10. You will talk about shit with anyone, and by shit I do mean poop, and by anyone, I do mean ANYONE. If you can admit to a random person of the opposite sex that the chicken you ate for dinner had you up with the runs all night, then you are seriously an OLD FART. No pun intended.

 

 

Did You Lose Your Identity After Having A Kid? I Did.

I don’t know about you, but I had a pretty tough time as a new mom. I missed sleep. I missed my body. I missed being able to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant or hop a plane to Vegas whenever I felt like it. Basically…I missed ME.

And then of course, like every other parent out there who has had these same feelings with a new baby…I felt GUILTY for wanting to get back a piece of my old life.

But you know something? Missing your old life is NORMAL. Wanting to reclaim your identity after having kids is a natural progression for a parent. Because your identity is your SEXY…and your sexy defines who you are.

As a new mom, I didn’t have enough hours in the day to manage all of the tasks that go along with parenting a small child. But as my son got older, I found myself needing more to do with my life. I needed to have something for myself. And most importantly, I needed something to remind me of who exactly I am. Some moms are lucky enough to retain their identities once the munchkins arrive without needing more…but I wasn’t one of them. Not only did I need more…I CRAVED more.

I may be my son’s mom, but I’m also MARY. And I’m The Mommyologist, dammit.

Last week, my good friend Dallas Cyr stopped by and interviewed me about this subject of losing yourself after having kids. We had a great chat over mimosas…and of course we have the whole thing on video. Dallas has been kind enough to feature me on his site for his Monthly Masters series talking all about my experience with reclaiming my identity (my sexy) after I had my son.

Here’s a little more info about Dallas:

A former financial planner, Dallas Michael Cyr is an Entrepreneur, Life Guide, Speaker and Vlogger. His Passion is helping willing individuals live Happier, Healthier and Wealthier lives. Termed the Edutainer, Dallas helps people discover their purpose, reignites people’s fire for life and motivates & inspires everyone to overcome their obstacles and to live LIMITLESS!

Dallas Cyr

“I always say that fear and the false idea of failure are the two most crippling obstacles we have to living a Limitless life. One filled with passion, joy and freedom that many of us dream of. If a doctor categorized these ideas as the disease they are, it would be clear we have an epidemic on our hands.

That is why it’s so important to remember that in any given situation you can have fear or faith; when one is present the other is absent and both are a CHOICE… so choose Faith!”

Dallas Michael Cyr

“Your Guide on the journey to a Limitless Life!


Make sure to head on over and check out my interview with Dallas and learn more about why it is so important to take back your identity after having kids…and why you should never feel guilty about wanting to find your “sexy.” Oh yeah, and one more thing…I’m also giving away a $100 SpaFinder gift card to help you take some time for yourself and think about what your “sexy” is. Watch my interview with Dallas Cyr for all the details!

*In order to enter the SpaFinder gift card giveaway, you must go here and leave a comment. Of course I love when you comment on my blog too, but I want you to be able to have a spa treatment on me, so make sure to enter!

Disclosure: I paid for the SpaFinder gift card myself. They didn’t send it to me. That’s how much I love you guys.

A Life’s Manual For New Dads: (Read This If You Ever Want To Get Laid Again)

A couple of months ago I wrote a “Life’s Manual For Not Quite-Preggo Gals” to give future moms a little insight as to what they should do before they have kids. I have yet to publish my “Life’s Manual For New Moms”, but I assure you it’s on the way in the future. In the meantime, here’s a little light reading for brand new dads. I suggest that you print this out for your husband if he ever plans on getting laid again.

A Life’s Manual For New Dads Who Really Want To Get Laid


1. Don’t expect sex from your wife a few weeks after she gives birth. Need a little more perspective than that? Imagine someone taking your nut sack and trying to separate each testicle and tuck each one behind your ears. Would you still want to get busy? I didn’t think so.

2. You know that advice your mother gave you about what and what not to do with the new baby? NEWS FLASH: Your wife doesn’t give a shit. Let her do things HER way and take her side when she asks you which way you think is better. Remember who you’re married to.

3. Do not under any circumstances make a comment about the mesh panties your wife wore home from the hospital, or the Tuck’s medicated pad that’s squished between her butt cheeks. She’s never felt less sexy in her entire life, and she doesn’t need any reminders from you about the funky shit that is still going on in her nether regions. Make it a point to remind her that you still think she’s the hottest bitch on the block.

4. Invest in a good pair of ear plugs, because you’re gonna need them. And the number one reason you’re gonna need them is not because of incessant crying from your newborn. It’s to drown out the insults and exclamations of hate that will likely come from your wife’s mouth. And no, she really doesn’t think that you’re a complete and total asshat. She’s just overwhelmed, exhausted, and may I reiterate that either her cha-cha was nearly split in two or she had her stomach muscles sliced open while delivering your kid. Suck it up and take it like a man.

5. When in doubt and you have no idea what in the hell to say to whatever ridiculous thing your wife has just told you, all you need to remember are two words, “Yes, dear.” Don’t say anything more or anything less, otherwise you run the risk of her bringing it up while discussing whether or not to have sex at a later date. And I’m assuming that you want to have sex, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this post.

6. Want to be named “New Dad of the Year?” Offer to get up with the baby at night a few times a week so that your wife can get some extra sleep. And after you’ve been up with the baby, bounce right out of bed the next morning singing the “Good Morning” song and act like you aren’t tired at all. Trust me…she will NOT forget this. (Do this and you may even get laid twice in one night once she’s feeling like her old self again).

7. Make sure to have a take-out menu handy from every restaurant in a ten mile radius. A sure fire way to kill her desire to play hide the sausage is by asking, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Use that statement too many times and you definitely won’t be getting any “dessert.”

8. Yet another NEWS FLASH: Babies SHIT. They shit A LOT. And it’s only half-true that baby shit doesn’t stink when it comes out of your kid. Don’t act like you’ve just discovered the lost city of Atlantis when your baby has a blow-out and you open the diaper. Don’t ask your wife to come see what just came out of your baby’s ass…trust me…she KNOWS. She actually knew way ahead of time and that’s why she told you it was your turn to change junior. Just strap a sack on and focus on the task at hand.

9. Your wife knows you work hard and she is eternally grateful for all you do for the family. But while you were at work, you also got to eat lunch, take a shit, and talk to another adult without being interrupted by a pint-size poop machine who may or may not have just barfed in your hair. When you get home from work, take the baby, and ask your wife if she wants to go lay down for a bit, take a shower, or just sit and stare at a blank wall for 20 minutes. Good grief…I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about a man doing that for me as a new mom. Do it for your wife and moms everywhere will want to fu*& you. (Wink, wink)!

10. Remember that your wife may be a mom now, but she’s also YOUR GIRL. She’s the girl that you couldn’t wait to kiss on your first date. She’s the girl you used to lay awake at night and think about. She’s the girl who you used to call at midnight, “just to say I love you one more time.” And just because there is a munchkin in the picture now doesn’t mean that girl has disappeared. She’s in there somewhere underneath the dark circles under her eyes, drool-soaked shirt, and all of the exhaustion. But as a mom, it’s easy for her to forget that she’s still “that girl.” And when you remind her that you haven’t forgotten who she is?

Bring on the horny.