Top Ten Things I Did On My Kid-Free Vacation

Ahh…vacation. It’s something that I don’t take nearly often enough. But I took one last week. And if a vacation by itself wasn’t sweet enough…then a kid-free vacation made this one even more incredible.

Mama needed a break real bad.

The hubster and I took a little trip to Aspen/Snowmass, CO with three other couples…and we totally rocked out. It was awesome, and yes, you should be jealous. And here’s why:

“Top Ten Things I Did on my Kid-Free Vacation”

1. I indulged in the simple pleasure of taking a shit in peace every day without simultaneously having to recite a Scooby Doo story.

2. I read two books. Like from cover to cover. Without interruption. It kicked ass.

3. I drank (several) margaritas in the middle of the day and noshed on tequila soaked blueberries. And I sort of moaned while I ate them and didn’t worry about anyone looking at me weird. (They were all into the blueberries too).

I already ate the blueberries...that's why you can't see them...

4. I went to the best spa that I’ve ever visited in my entire life at the Viceroy Snowmass, and I locked up my Iphone in the locker and didn’t even THINK about my blog while sipping champagne in the relaxation room. That is, until my massage therapist asked me what I did and I told her I was a blogger and she looked at me and said, “Are you The Mommyologist?” It was one of the top five coolest moments of my life. And I’m pretty sure that nothing like it will ever happen again.

viceroy snowmass spa

Relaxation Room At Viceroy Snowmass Spa

FYI…if you ever have the pleasure of hitting the Viceroy…book an appointment with Sara. BEST. MASSAGE. EVER. (And I’m not just saying that because Sara made me feel cool).

5. In the locker room at the spa at the Viceroy, I got into the hot plunge pool naked. The end.

viceroy snowmass spa locker room

Viceroy Snowmass Spa Hot Plunge Pool

6. Back to the margaritas…I sat outside in front of a fire pit in the snow and drank those margaritas surrounded by good friends and plenty of laughs. And not once did I worry about rushing home to pay the babysitter thanks to the fact that my wonderful mother kept my son back at home so that I could get my drink on in Colorado. It was sheer bliss. And I’m praying that we get invited back on a trip with these people sometime because they are all freakin’ A-plus. I might even start stalking them.

7. I vowed to sleep in each and every single day, but for whatever reason the hubster and I were always the first ones up. Somehow not having to cater to incessant demands for service from an almost-five-year-old rested me up enough that I didn’t need the extra sleep.

8. I went on national television with the hubster when we got back to NYC, and it was tons of fun. But I also signed some damn waiver saying I wouldn’t blog about the experience, so there goes any hope of me trying to pimp myself out. But it didn’t say anything about tweeting, so stay tuned for tidbits there if the curiosity is killing you.

Where am I? I'll Never Tell!

9. I spent Valentine’s Day in the city with the hubster at our favorite restaurant…Del Frisco’s. I had three martinis (big surprise). I had a fat steak. I had scrumptious potatoes. And I took a HUGE slice of lemon cake to go. I’m salivating now just thinking about that meal.

10. I recharged. I re-energized. And I reconnected with myself by not being plugged into a computer or mobile device 24/7. But now I’m back, and the snow is finally melting, and I’m ready to rock and roll with work until the next kid-free vacation. That is, if I ever catch up on everything I missed while I was living it up in Aspen.

*Viceroy photos courtesy of Viceroy Snowmass website

10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say Till I Had A Kid

I wrote a similar post to this one over a year ago…and honestly, I could probably crank out a brand new one every single month. Without further ado, I give you:

10 things I Never Thought I’d Say Till I Had A Kid…

1. “No bare butts on the dining room chairs!”

2. “Stop farting on your finger and smelling it!”

3. “Put your weiner back in your pants.” (Or at least, I never thought I’d say this in a situation other than turning down some frat daddy in college).

4. “DON’T wipe that booger on the table. Give it to me, please…I’ll put it in my purse.” (Said at a restaurant…)

5. “What you do with your wiener when you turn 18 is your business, but until then, I get to tell you what you can and can’t do with it.”

6. “No honey…my wiener didn’t fall off. Mommy doesn’t have a wiener.” (Anyone else noticing a trend here)?

7. “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to call you back. I just peed in my pants a little bit.”

8. “Did you poop at school today, honey? What color was it?”

9. “Sure…I’ll get you a snack sweetie…right after I get off the toilet.”

10. “For the love of GOD…watch where you’re aiming that thing and quit pissing on the walls!”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fetch the Clorox wipes to try and salvage what’s left of the powder room.

I Speak English, A Little French, And I’m Fluent In Bullshit

Ok, so since I started this blog a little over a year ago…most of you have gotten to know me pretty well. You know that I’m not afraid of discussing shit at the dinner table. You know that shaking my ass is at the top of my list of extracurricular activities, and you also know that I get paid to talk about celebrity smut all day long.

What you probably don’t know about me is that in addition to speaking English and the tiny bit of French I’ve retained from high school, I’m also fluent in the language of bullshit. And I’m talking about the bullshit that parents put out there to try and make sense of the fact that their kids have completely turned their lives upside down and given them grey hairs in places where the sun don’t shine. You know…the LIES PARENTS TELL to hide what is really going on.

May I present…

The Mommyologist’s Parental Bullshit Translator

Bullshit Statement #1: “Our little angel never cries…ever!”

Translation: “Holy motherf*&ing SHIT. This kid never shuts up. EVER. Oh for the love of GOD…get me some friggin’ earplugs before I’m catatonic in the corner crying for my own mother. I can’t take it anymore.”

Bullshit Statement #2: “My hubby is an absolutely DREAM with the new baby! I never lift a finger and he gets up with her every night!”

Translation: “I seriously can’t believe I married this prick. He hasn’t done one middle-of-the-night feeding, or changed one shitty diaper since this kid came home from the hospital. Now I understand why people get divorced.”

Bullshit Statement #3: “I was back in my skinny jeans the day after I left the hospital with this little munchkin!”

Translation: “F*&k you, I’m skinny because I’m blessed with an incredibly perfect gene pool. But I’m insecure in other areas so I choose to boost my own self-esteem by making you feel like a Twinkie-loving cow.”

Bullshit Statement #4: “Tomorrow is our 6-week post-partum check up at the OBGYN! I hope he gives us the ok to have sex again!”

Translation: “Holy shit. Tomorrow is our 6-week post-partum check up. That means that this asshole I’m living with is going to expect sex again. I just spent over 24-hours pushing a living thing out of my cha-cha, and the last thing I want to do is stick something back in there again. Oh for the love of GOD. If I don’t have sex with him tomorrow night, then he’s going to expect something else. Help me.”

Bullshit Statement #5: “I guess I’m lucky…I’m one of those women who doesn’t get tired, so getting up three times a night doesn’t even phase me!”

Translation: “I’m hallucinating due to lack of sleep, and I’m speaking gibberish. Just ignore me.”

Bullshit Statement #6: “My little prince listens to every single word I say! He never talks back, and he always minds his manners, because that’s what I’ve taught him to do!”

Translation: “Earlier today, this little rugrat stuck his tongue out at me, called me a poopyhead, and then proceeded to shove his finger up his nose, pull out a fresh picked booger, and wipe it on my leg. Stick a fork in me…I’m DONE.”

Bullshit Statement #7: “My kids always eat their vegetables at every meal, and they have NEVER had one grain of sugar.”

Translation: “If you consider sweet potato flavored Gerber puffs to be vegetables, then my kids eat veggies at every meal. And last night, after they polished off a cansiter each of puffs as they were screaming and kicking each other under the table, I shoved a rice krispie treat in each of their mouths so that I could manage to make a thirty-second phone call to the hubby to tell him to pick up more vodka on his way home from work.”

Bullshit Statement #8: “I don’t drink” or “I have never even thought about drinking since I had a kid.”

Translation: “Fix me a friggin’ martini before I either break down and cry or piss my pants from total lack of control.”

Bullshit Statement #9: “We’re having so much fun figuring out this whole parenting thing together!!”

Translation: “This kid is four months old, and we still have no idea what in the hell we’re doing. And it’s a miracle that we’re still sleeping in the same bedroom. Oh my GOD…what in the hell happened to our lives??”

Bullshit Statement #10: “I felt SO sexy while I was giving birth!”

Translation: “How did I feel while I gave birth? How do you think I felt, genius? Everyone in the room was staring at my crotch, which hadn’t been shaved in like two months because my belly was too big for me to see what I was doing as far as grooming goes, I farted uncontrollably in front of the hot anesthesiologist, I almost shat on the table, and then there was that whole episiotomy thing. Yeah…I was one sexy bitch, alright!”

A Life’s Manual For “Not-Quite-Preggo” Gals

Not too long ago, I had a nice little chat with a cute-as-a-button girl who just got married. And when I say cute-as-a-button, I actually mean totally gorgeous, with no dark circles or bags under her eyes, and a much cuter outfit than I could ever dream of pulling off. Basically, she had the classic look of a chick who doesn’t have kids yet.

I congratulated her on her marriage, and then told her to “enjoy her husband for a bit” because there is plenty of time in the future for kids. I told her to go out to dinner, travel, etc…you know…all those things that we never even had to question doing before our little bundles showed up.

And then she looked at me and said that she and her husband had been dating for seven years before they got hitched, and that they’ve already been out to dinner, already traveled, etc, and were already trying for a baby.

And all I wanted to do was look at her and say, “Oh no…you don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you. EVERYTHING changes after that baby arrives.”

I’ve been meaning to write this post since talking to her, and then I got even more inspired after reading this post from Shell at Things I Can’t Say.

May I present my Life’s Manual For “Not-Quite-Preggo” Gals:

1. Have sex NOW. Like a lot. Like all the time. And yes, having all that sex may possibly result in you getting knocked up sooner, but just have the sex anyway because it’s unscheduled sex. It’s un-tired sex. It’s uninterrupted sex. Pre-kid sex is having sex just for the hell of having sex, not having sex just because you haven’t had sex in two months and you figure you’d better have sex real quick before one of the kids wakes up. Trust me girls…go hump your man NOW.

2. Let’s talk about going out to dinner again. GO OUT TO DINNER. AT A NICE PLACE THAT REQUIRES RESERVATIONS. And make it a LONG dinner. Order a bottle of wine. Order an appetizer. Don’t put in your entree orders until after you’ve finished the appetizer and the bottle of wine. Order ANOTHER bottle of wine. Order dessert. And then go home and have lots of sex.

3. When you wake up in the morning after going out for that nice dinner, have sex again, and then park your ass on your couch with your man for the entire day and do nothing but watch TV, movies, etc. Only get up to use the bathroom, get more food from the kitchen, or if you feel the urge to have some more sex.

4. When you do go out to dinner with your hubby, and there is a couple at the table next to you with two kids who won’t stop whining and can’t seem to sit still, don’t roll your eyes at that couple. Don’t clear your throat and shoot them looks of disgust as they attempt to shove their food down their throats so that they can get the hell out of there as soon as possible. What you don’t know, is that they are looking at you and your pre-kid life with complete envy. They wish they were you. And they definitely aren’t having sex tonight. And before you know it, you will be THEM, so cut them some slack. Karma’s a bitch, ladies. Remember that.

5. Enjoy taking a poop in the privacy of your own bathroom with no one watching you, or yelling at you that your poop stinks, or telling you that they need to poop at that exact same moment, which means that you have to stop mid-poop in order to turn the toilet over to your kid so that you don’t wind up cleaning poop off the floor, which means you’ve missed the moment and wind up constipated for the next two days. Trust me…savor the pleasure of taking a shit by yourself while you can.

6. For the love of GOD…sleep as much as you possibly can and never feel guilty about it. I never realized just how incredible sleep was until I hadn’t really had any in three months. The sleep deprivation is just as bad as everyone says it is after you bring home a new baby. It sucks. It sucks REAL bad. Nothing can possibly prepare you for it, so just do us all a favor and sleep in and be a lazy ass now. Your time will come.

7. When your hubby does something really sweet and you look at him and think about how much you love him and how you are the luckiest girl in the world and you wonder how you ever lived without this man in your life, TAKE A MENTAL PHOTO of that moment. You’ll need it later. I don’t care who you are, at some point after bringing home a new baby, your husband WILL piss you off. But it’s not because he doesn’t love you or the baby or isn’t being a good husband, it’s because the whole experience of having a child is life changing and overwhelming for him too. Remember those moments of sheer bliss and call them up when you find yourself ready to scream “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE” at the top of your lungs. Because five minutes later, you’ll love him again. But you still probably won’t get laid.

8. Pick at least one day a week where you have an hour or two to be extremely bored. I mean, like REALLY bored, with nothing to do but stare at a blank wall. Do you know what I’d pay to be bored even for ten minutes? Boredom is GOOD. Though I really don’t remember what it feels like.

9. Enjoy your friends who don’t have kids now, because if you have kids before them, there is a good chance that you won’t really see them until THEY have kids. I’ve already said that your life totally changes after having a child, but what also changes is your “life’s STAGE.” When you have kids and your friends don’t, you go from having everything in common to practically nothing in common overnight. After I had my son, there was really only ONE of my non-kid friends who took a genuine interest in my life and my son, not because she HAD to, but because she cared about me that much. Savor your friends now…(though once your non-kid friends join the baby bandwagon, you do reconnect. I promise).

10. Never feel guilty about being selfish. The time right before you have kids is the last time that you CAN be selfish for the rest of your life. And milk your pregnancy for all it’s worth. Put your feet up. Let people wait on you hand and foot. Make requests and demands whenever possible. Because once that baby arrives…you’re fired. No one gives a shit about you anymore. No one, that is, except the incredible little munchkin who will no doubt, capture your heart and become the center of your world forever.

It’s all worth it, I promise!


In Honor of Mother’s Day

Ok, so I know that I’m a few days early, but I’d like to bite the bullet and go ahead and wish all of my Mom Sexy ladies out there a Happy Mother’s Day!  Sunday is OUR day mamas!  It’s our day to RELAX.  It’s our day to REJUVENATE.  It’s our day to BE WAITED ON HAND AND FOOT.  And yes, it’s our day to pretty much only dream of doing those three things because the truth is that personal days just aren’t really part of our job description.

Because even when I do have the luxury of a day or even a few hours to myself, I never really manage to fully let myself unwind because the whole time I keep checking my watch every 15 minutes to see just exactly how much time I have left to savor the nirvana of a Lego-free existence. And then I realize that I am, in fact, thinking about Legos when I should be enjoying a little “me” time, and then once again I’m reminded that Legos are most definitely the boss of me.  And those bastards never really let me have a day off.

As far as my expectation went of how I thought my life would be after having kids, I can assure you that Legos most definitely were never part of that vision.  I guess there are just some things that you can’t learn from a handbook.  The most surprising aspects of motherhood were definitely taught to me via “On-The-Job Training.”  So, in honor of Mother’s Day, I thought it would be fun to share a few little lessons that I’ve learned from the greatest parenting instructor in the whole world, my adorable little stud.

1. If you want to know the REAL truth about something, ask a four-year old. This past weekend, my 89-year old grandfather’s tooth fell out.  My son looked at him and said, “Wow.  You must be getting really old.”  (This is the same child who also refers to MY belly button as a “squishy crater”.  He can’t tell a lie).

2. There are six degrees of separation between each and every mother on the planet.  And the connection can usually be found in some sort of poop story.  We all totally know each other.

3. No matter how hard you try and fight it, there will come a day when you finally surrender and give in to Dora, Diego, the Little Einsteins, etc.  Because even though those little characters may be annoying as hell at times, they will absolutely SAVE YOUR ASS when you wake up on a Saturday morning with a hangover and a toddler who doesn’t give a shit.

4. Apparently children have different standards of what constitutes proper etiquette when it comes to nose picking.  And their standard is pretty much “Anytime, Anyplace, Anywhere.”  And if the nose picking occurs and there isn’t a box of tissues in their general vicinity, then wiping the boogers on mom’s pant leg works just as well.


5. There is seriously nothing funnier than taking pictures of a little kid’s exposed butt crack.  And I’m saving each and every shot for prom night. What high school chick in her right mind wouldn’t love seeing a shot of that cute little tush?  Yeah, I know.  I’m already researching therapists for the poor boy.

6. Just because I can eat an entire box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in one sitting doesn’t mean that my son can.  And it’s pretty bad that I make it anyway knowing full well that there is a fairly good chance that he won’t eat ONE BITE of it. But I just can’t let all that yummy mac and cheese go to waste so I’ll devour it with purpose each and every time.

7. When I was in high school, I always thought that moms with little kids were really old.  It never occurred to me that I would actually be considered one of those “old chicks” someday.  And the God’s honest truth is that I’m still not buying it.  Because when those cute little girls stand next to me at Zumba, I know they’re thinking that this mom really knows how to shake it.  That’s right. I’m a COOL mom.

8. I’m a complete and total multi-tasker.  I have an innate ability to check my email on my Iphone with one hand and wipe my son’s ass with the other.  And I can do both of those things with the cordless phone on my shoulder.

9. Farts are hysterical and totally not embarrassing when they come out of four year old’s butt.  A 32 year old?  Not so much.

10. Alright everyone.  I just can’t help myself.  I feel the need to reiterate that even though being a mom is the hardest, most important job on the face of the earth, it still doesn’t make anyone exempt from the Great Lego Takeover.  Just wait.  They’ll come for you too.

Happy Mother’s Day from The Mommyologist!!

Poop: A Fine Dinner Party Topic

“Oh yeah, the mustard seed looking poops are just way less gross than those black ones that come out for the first few days after bringing the baby home.”

Those exact words (roughly) came out of my mouth the other night at a dinner party hosted by my husband’s boss and his wife just as I was about to sink my teeth into a nice fat juicy piece of pesto shrimp.  And I bit down on that jumbo shrimp like it was my job and it was absolutely delicious and I didn’t even flinch at the fact that I was chomping down on that shrimp while enjoying a delightful conversation about baby poop.  And I didn’t even consider once that the pesto on the shrimp sorta resembled mustard seeds.  Because once you have a baby, your whole world completely revolves around poop and it is just totally irresistible to talk about the poop with other parents at every chance you get because you know that other parents are the only people who you CAN talk about the poop with and not run the risk of someone losing their lunch.  Or in this case, their shrimp.

You see, the couple hosting the party just had a baby like three weeks ago.  And I love how they just went ahead and jumped feet first into the whole poop euphoria thing without a second thought.  Because the first step to accepting the fact that your world is now being completely controlled by a pint-sized poop machine is being able to talk about it without any reservations.

And of course, me being The Mommyologist sort of has me under the delusion that I am some sort of baby poop expert even though I know better than to think that I’m really that knowledgeable just because I’ve outfitted myself with a fancy title. And of course, our little discussion opened the floor for me to throw in one of my favorite poop stories from our son’s infant days.  There’s nothing like regaling a tale of your son shitting himself while sitting on an airplane and waiting a good 30 minutes to take off to make you feel just a tad bit nostalgic for your diaper changing days.

And yes, I’m totally kidding.  But now I’m kind of panicking a bit because as I typed out that last sentence, the thought went through my mind that my son is OUT of diapers now, but when he has to shit, he HAS TO SHIT, and if we are ever stuck on an airplane runway again and aren’t allowed to get up and use the lavatory, then we’re probably going to have a SERIOUS “Code Brown” going on in our row.  Good grief…I need a vodka just thinking about that scenario.

Ok, back to the dinner party and back to the baby poop…not that we were ever really OFF the poop topic.  Once you become a parent, it’s almost like you’ve entered some kind of secret club or fraternity or something like that.  And the initiation into that elite club?  Oh yeah…you guessed it!  BEING POOPED ON.  Or AT.  Or in the GENERAL VICINITY OF. Whatever. You catch my drift.

I thought that a nice way to welcome these two new parents into the club would be to open the forum and let my readers tell me their favorite poop story.  Because you all know you have one.

C’mon…you KNOW you are just DYING to leave a comment detailing your story.  We’re all in this together folks!

This is your chance to shine.  Make it count.

32 Going On 80?

Good morning everyone!  I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday weekend with your families and that you had some gorgeous Spring weather just like we did here in the Northeast. Seriously, it couldn’t have been more perfect up here the past few days!

At the beginning of last week after viewing the upcoming weekend weather forecast, the hubster and I decided that it would be fun to take a little overnight trip on Saturday with our son. We went back and forth between whether to go to Boston or New York City, and due to a last minute killer deal on a prime location hotel, the Big Apple won.

This was our little man’s first trip into the city and he was such a trooper! And of course he loved FAO Schwartz, and Toys R Us with the big ferris wheel, and running around Central Park, and…well…I guess not much else really matters when you are four years old!

When we finally got home around 4:00pm yesterday, the hubster and I collapsed on the couch like we had just run the New York marathon.  I mean, we were POOPED!  Of course, our little dude had slept in the car the whole way home from the train station, so he had a total second wind and went right into building various Lego “vehicles” out of the new sets that we’d bought him at the big city toy stores.  And he really didn’t seem to care too much about the fact that his Daddy and I had completely run out of gas and were merely surviving on fumes at that point.  My hubby turned to me at one point and asked how it was possible that two grown adults had completely been kicked in the ass by a four year old.  The answer to that one was pretty apparent.  WE ARE GETTING OLD.

And the fact that we were completely worn out after our little weekend excursion wasn’t the only indicator to that fact.  There were quite a few other tell-tale signs that the hubster and I just can’t quite hang like we used to before our little stud arrived.

(Note:  The following list is in random order, though I have to admit that #1 IS my absolute favorite)!

1. I sneezed in the middle of Times Square and peed in my pants a little bit and had to kind of waddle into the hotel with my knees stuck together so that I didn’t lose the entire contents of my bladder right there in the lobby. And yes, this happened more than once.

2.  My cousins from Pittsburgh were also in NYC this past weekend and they had their 14-year old daughter with them, who offered to babysit our son on Saturday night so the four of us could go out for some adult time.  The hubster and I turned her down because we were just way too exhausted to go out to dinner.  And we were in bed that night before 10pm.  (I mean, who turns down a babysitter)???

3. I actually noticed the crowds in the city and even mentioned something to the hubster about how I couldn’t believe how many people there were and that it must be because it was a holiday weekend.  He then reminded me that NYC is ALWAYS packed no matter what weekend it is.  I guess I just never paid that much attention to it before.  But this time I really just wanted to yell, “MOVE PEOPLE!!” every time the walk signal changed so that we could get across the street before the little orange hand started flashing because I had such an irrational fear of our stroller being run down by an out-of-control taxi cab.

4. I caught myself making a comment to the hubster about how I didn’t understand how “all these young chicks” walk around the city in stilettos when I am barely managing to stay upright in flats.  And then we passed the Easy Spirit store and I seriously considered stopping in for an impulse buy.  (For the record, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I mean, I’m not THAT old yet.  And please don’t go hatin’ on me if you own a pair of Easy Spirits. This is not an insult directed at you, it is just my personal philosophy that if I purchase a pair of their shoes then I’ve officially made the transition from semi-cool mom to old lady).

5. This morning, even though I only had one measly glass of wine last night because that’s all that was left in the bottle after my cousin and I had taken part in an all-out guzzle fest during her visit here last week, I feel completely and totally hung over, minus the whole sick part. My feet hurt. My eyes burn. And it’s only 8:30am and I really feel like I need a nap.

That’s all I can manage to squeeze out folks.  Time for another cup of coffee.

FYI: I am having trouble signing into my Google Friend Connect account, so if you are a new follower and I’m not following you back yet, it’s not intentional!  Hopefully I will get it figured out soon…if I can manage to wake up today!