10 Signs That You Are Definitely Getting Older

I do my best to maintain my Mom Sexy, but I’m the first person to admit that I’m no spring chicken. The Mommyologist is getting older…and here are 10 ways to tell if you are too.

You are definitely getting older if:

1. You refuse to get within 100 feet of an Abercrombie and Fitch store for two reasons: a.) It’s just way too damn loud. b.) It smells way too much like your high school boyfriend, which makes you stop and wonder what the hell ever happened to him, which then makes you wonder why the hell you ever went out with him in the first place and why it took you a year and a half to get over a guy who dropped you like a bad habit as soon as he got back to boarding school. (The high school boyfriend is totally hypothetical…of course).

2. You start referring to the people on The Real World as “kids”, and throughout the show, you say, “That’s disgusting!” at least ten times, and you gag at least five times.

3. You are no longer embarrassed to purchase tampons, even when the cashier who rings you up at the grocery store is a 15-year old kid. Somewhere around age 28, you realized that you do indeed, have a vagina, and it is perfectly acceptable to menstruate. And it’s also perfectly acceptable to say the word “vagina” out loud. VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!

4. You realize that you are old enough to be Justin Bieber’s mother. ‘Nuff said.

5. When someone talks about something that happened 20 years ago, you can actually remember where you were and what you were doing 20 years ago. And chances are it involved either Abercrombie and Fitch, your menstruating vagina, or some strange combination of the two.

6. Gone are the days when you consider your parents to be a real drag. Your parents are still your parents, but they’re now also your best friends. And your parents’ best friends are still your parents’ best friends, but now you consider them your friends too, not just your parents’ friends. And nine times out of ten you’d rather hang out with your parents and your parents’ friends who are now also your friends than anyone else.

 

 

7. You catch yourself getting annoyed and rolling your eyes at teenagers who are giggling and having fun at the mall, because in your opinion, they are just creating unnecessary noise. Especially the ones who are lingering outside of Abercrombie and Fitch. (NEWS FLASH: Those teenagers are rolling their eyes at you too. They think you are pathetic and old, and they vow never to look like you when they are your age. After all, they’ll still be shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch and be hip to the latest trends, right)?

8. On any given Saturday evening, you find yourself getting a little bit giddy after realizing that Celebrity Ghost Stories has a new episode on the Biography Channel, and right after that, there is a documentary on how the states got their names on the History Channel. Break out the boxed wine baby…it’s gonna be a seriously bitchin’ night!

9. The thought of going to a frat party makes you want to douse your entire body in hand sanitizer and put on a gas mask. Let’s face it…if the memory of the stench of stale beer and man sweat doesn’t make you a bit nostalgic for your college days, then you are definitely over the hill.

10. You will talk about shit with anyone, and by shit I do mean poop, and by anyone, I do mean ANYONE. If you can admit to a random person of the opposite sex that the chicken you ate for dinner had you up with the runs all night, then you are seriously an OLD FART. No pun intended.

 

 

My Super Sexy Bedroom Life

This past Friday night, I got a little bit tipsy. And yes, I know the fact that I had a martini or five probably won’t come as a shock to anyone…but who I found in bed with me the next morning may. (And no, it wasn’t Prince Harry. Though I definitely tried to extend him an open invitation via Twitter).

Remember those crazy nights from college where you partied like a rock star and then woke up the next morning, rolled over, and wondered why in the hell the dude who was only supposed to be your “friend” was lying in bed next to you? (Not that anything like that ever happened to me. We all know I’m a saint).

Well, when I woke up on Saturday morning and rolled over, I didn’t expect anyone to be spooning me, least of all this guy:

 

"Great-Grandpa Puddles" as little dude refers to him.

 

Let me take a short minute to introduce you to “Great-Grandpa Puddles,” who I’m apparently having an affair with. And honestly, I’m really not ashamed of our love.

You see, little dude has taken to waking up around 4:00am, and deciding to come snuggle up in bed next to me instead of staying in his own bed all night. And even though common sense tells me that I should usher him back to his own quarters, the part of me that wants to remain in bed where it’s warm and cozy wins every time. And I also know that my son won’t be little forever…so I have to savor these moments with him while I can. And he and Great-Grandpa Puddles are a package deal.

So there you have it….a peek into my super sexy bedroom life. For now, I refuse to kick Great-Grandpa Puddles out of bed. What can I say? There’s something that’s really hot about cuddling up to an over-sized stuffed duck.

 

Did You Lose Your Identity After Having A Kid? I Did.

I don’t know about you, but I had a pretty tough time as a new mom. I missed sleep. I missed my body. I missed being able to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant or hop a plane to Vegas whenever I felt like it. Basically…I missed ME.

And then of course, like every other parent out there who has had these same feelings with a new baby…I felt GUILTY for wanting to get back a piece of my old life.

But you know something? Missing your old life is NORMAL. Wanting to reclaim your identity after having kids is a natural progression for a parent. Because your identity is your SEXY…and your sexy defines who you are.

As a new mom, I didn’t have enough hours in the day to manage all of the tasks that go along with parenting a small child. But as my son got older, I found myself needing more to do with my life. I needed to have something for myself. And most importantly, I needed something to remind me of who exactly I am. Some moms are lucky enough to retain their identities once the munchkins arrive without needing more…but I wasn’t one of them. Not only did I need more…I CRAVED more.

I may be my son’s mom, but I’m also MARY. And I’m The Mommyologist, dammit.

Last week, my good friend Dallas Cyr stopped by and interviewed me about this subject of losing yourself after having kids. We had a great chat over mimosas…and of course we have the whole thing on video. Dallas has been kind enough to feature me on his site for his Monthly Masters series talking all about my experience with reclaiming my identity (my sexy) after I had my son.

Here’s a little more info about Dallas:

A former financial planner, Dallas Michael Cyr is an Entrepreneur, Life Guide, Speaker and Vlogger. His Passion is helping willing individuals live Happier, Healthier and Wealthier lives. Termed the Edutainer, Dallas helps people discover their purpose, reignites people’s fire for life and motivates & inspires everyone to overcome their obstacles and to live LIMITLESS!

Dallas Cyr

“I always say that fear and the false idea of failure are the two most crippling obstacles we have to living a Limitless life. One filled with passion, joy and freedom that many of us dream of. If a doctor categorized these ideas as the disease they are, it would be clear we have an epidemic on our hands.

That is why it’s so important to remember that in any given situation you can have fear or faith; when one is present the other is absent and both are a CHOICE… so choose Faith!”

Dallas Michael Cyr

“Your Guide on the journey to a Limitless Life!


Make sure to head on over and check out my interview with Dallas and learn more about why it is so important to take back your identity after having kids…and why you should never feel guilty about wanting to find your “sexy.” Oh yeah, and one more thing…I’m also giving away a $100 SpaFinder gift card to help you take some time for yourself and think about what your “sexy” is. Watch my interview with Dallas Cyr for all the details!

*In order to enter the SpaFinder gift card giveaway, you must go here and leave a comment. Of course I love when you comment on my blog too, but I want you to be able to have a spa treatment on me, so make sure to enter!

Disclosure: I paid for the SpaFinder gift card myself. They didn’t send it to me. That’s how much I love you guys.

A Life’s Manual For New Dads: (Read This If You Ever Want To Get Laid Again)

A couple of months ago I wrote a “Life’s Manual For Not Quite-Preggo Gals” to give future moms a little insight as to what they should do before they have kids. I have yet to publish my “Life’s Manual For New Moms”, but I assure you it’s on the way in the future. In the meantime, here’s a little light reading for brand new dads. I suggest that you print this out for your husband if he ever plans on getting laid again.

A Life’s Manual For New Dads Who Really Want To Get Laid


1. Don’t expect sex from your wife a few weeks after she gives birth. Need a little more perspective than that? Imagine someone taking your nut sack and trying to separate each testicle and tuck each one behind your ears. Would you still want to get busy? I didn’t think so.

2. You know that advice your mother gave you about what and what not to do with the new baby? NEWS FLASH: Your wife doesn’t give a shit. Let her do things HER way and take her side when she asks you which way you think is better. Remember who you’re married to.

3. Do not under any circumstances make a comment about the mesh panties your wife wore home from the hospital, or the Tuck’s medicated pad that’s squished between her butt cheeks. She’s never felt less sexy in her entire life, and she doesn’t need any reminders from you about the funky shit that is still going on in her nether regions. Make it a point to remind her that you still think she’s the hottest bitch on the block.

4. Invest in a good pair of ear plugs, because you’re gonna need them. And the number one reason you’re gonna need them is not because of incessant crying from your newborn. It’s to drown out the insults and exclamations of hate that will likely come from your wife’s mouth. And no, she really doesn’t think that you’re a complete and total asshat. She’s just overwhelmed, exhausted, and may I reiterate that either her cha-cha was nearly split in two or she had her stomach muscles sliced open while delivering your kid. Suck it up and take it like a man.

5. When in doubt and you have no idea what in the hell to say to whatever ridiculous thing your wife has just told you, all you need to remember are two words, “Yes, dear.” Don’t say anything more or anything less, otherwise you run the risk of her bringing it up while discussing whether or not to have sex at a later date. And I’m assuming that you want to have sex, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this post.

6. Want to be named “New Dad of the Year?” Offer to get up with the baby at night a few times a week so that your wife can get some extra sleep. And after you’ve been up with the baby, bounce right out of bed the next morning singing the “Good Morning” song and act like you aren’t tired at all. Trust me…she will NOT forget this. (Do this and you may even get laid twice in one night once she’s feeling like her old self again).

7. Make sure to have a take-out menu handy from every restaurant in a ten mile radius. A sure fire way to kill her desire to play hide the sausage is by asking, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Use that statement too many times and you definitely won’t be getting any “dessert.”

8. Yet another NEWS FLASH: Babies SHIT. They shit A LOT. And it’s only half-true that baby shit doesn’t stink when it comes out of your kid. Don’t act like you’ve just discovered the lost city of Atlantis when your baby has a blow-out and you open the diaper. Don’t ask your wife to come see what just came out of your baby’s ass…trust me…she KNOWS. She actually knew way ahead of time and that’s why she told you it was your turn to change junior. Just strap a sack on and focus on the task at hand.

9. Your wife knows you work hard and she is eternally grateful for all you do for the family. But while you were at work, you also got to eat lunch, take a shit, and talk to another adult without being interrupted by a pint-size poop machine who may or may not have just barfed in your hair. When you get home from work, take the baby, and ask your wife if she wants to go lay down for a bit, take a shower, or just sit and stare at a blank wall for 20 minutes. Good grief…I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about a man doing that for me as a new mom. Do it for your wife and moms everywhere will want to fu*& you. (Wink, wink)!

10. Remember that your wife may be a mom now, but she’s also YOUR GIRL. She’s the girl that you couldn’t wait to kiss on your first date. She’s the girl you used to lay awake at night and think about. She’s the girl who you used to call at midnight, “just to say I love you one more time.” And just because there is a munchkin in the picture now doesn’t mean that girl has disappeared. She’s in there somewhere underneath the dark circles under her eyes, drool-soaked shirt, and all of the exhaustion. But as a mom, it’s easy for her to forget that she’s still “that girl.” And when you remind her that you haven’t forgotten who she is?

Bring on the horny.

Top Ten Things I Did On My Kid-Free Vacation

Ahh…vacation. It’s something that I don’t take nearly often enough. But I took one last week. And if a vacation by itself wasn’t sweet enough…then a kid-free vacation made this one even more incredible.

Mama needed a break real bad.

The hubster and I took a little trip to Aspen/Snowmass, CO with three other couples…and we totally rocked out. It was awesome, and yes, you should be jealous. And here’s why:

“Top Ten Things I Did on my Kid-Free Vacation”

1. I indulged in the simple pleasure of taking a shit in peace every day without simultaneously having to recite a Scooby Doo story.

2. I read two books. Like from cover to cover. Without interruption. It kicked ass.

3. I drank (several) margaritas in the middle of the day and noshed on tequila soaked blueberries. And I sort of moaned while I ate them and didn’t worry about anyone looking at me weird. (They were all into the blueberries too).


I already ate the blueberries...that's why you can't see them...

4. I went to the best spa that I’ve ever visited in my entire life at the Viceroy Snowmass, and I locked up my Iphone in the locker and didn’t even THINK about my blog while sipping champagne in the relaxation room. That is, until my massage therapist asked me what I did and I told her I was a blogger and she looked at me and said, “Are you The Mommyologist?” It was one of the top five coolest moments of my life. And I’m pretty sure that nothing like it will ever happen again.

viceroy snowmass spa

Relaxation Room At Viceroy Snowmass Spa

FYI…if you ever have the pleasure of hitting the Viceroy…book an appointment with Sara. BEST. MASSAGE. EVER. (And I’m not just saying that because Sara made me feel cool).

5. In the locker room at the spa at the Viceroy, I got into the hot plunge pool naked. The end.

viceroy snowmass spa locker room

Viceroy Snowmass Spa Hot Plunge Pool

6. Back to the margaritas…I sat outside in front of a fire pit in the snow and drank those margaritas surrounded by good friends and plenty of laughs. And not once did I worry about rushing home to pay the babysitter thanks to the fact that my wonderful mother kept my son back at home so that I could get my drink on in Colorado. It was sheer bliss. And I’m praying that we get invited back on a trip with these people sometime because they are all freakin’ A-plus. I might even start stalking them.

7. I vowed to sleep in each and every single day, but for whatever reason the hubster and I were always the first ones up. Somehow not having to cater to incessant demands for service from an almost-five-year-old rested me up enough that I didn’t need the extra sleep.

8. I went on national television with the hubster when we got back to NYC, and it was tons of fun. But I also signed some damn waiver saying I wouldn’t blog about the experience, so there goes any hope of me trying to pimp myself out. But it didn’t say anything about tweeting, so stay tuned for tidbits there if the curiosity is killing you.

Where am I? I'll Never Tell!

9. I spent Valentine’s Day in the city with the hubster at our favorite restaurant…Del Frisco’s. I had three martinis (big surprise). I had a fat steak. I had scrumptious potatoes. And I took a HUGE slice of lemon cake to go. I’m salivating now just thinking about that meal.

10. I recharged. I re-energized. And I reconnected with myself by not being plugged into a computer or mobile device 24/7. But now I’m back, and the snow is finally melting, and I’m ready to rock and roll with work until the next kid-free vacation. That is, if I ever catch up on everything I missed while I was living it up in Aspen.

*Viceroy photos courtesy of Viceroy Snowmass website

10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say Till I Had A Kid

I wrote a similar post to this one over a year ago…and honestly, I could probably crank out a brand new one every single month. Without further ado, I give you:

10 things I Never Thought I’d Say Till I Had A Kid…


1. “No bare butts on the dining room chairs!”

2. “Stop farting on your finger and smelling it!”

3. “Put your weiner back in your pants.” (Or at least, I never thought I’d say this in a situation other than turning down some frat daddy in college).

4. “DON’T wipe that booger on the table. Give it to me, please…I’ll put it in my purse.” (Said at a restaurant…)

5. “What you do with your wiener when you turn 18 is your business, but until then, I get to tell you what you can and can’t do with it.”

6. “No honey…my wiener didn’t fall off. Mommy doesn’t have a wiener.” (Anyone else noticing a trend here)?

7. “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to call you back. I just peed in my pants a little bit.”

8. “Did you poop at school today, honey? What color was it?”

9. “Sure…I’ll get you a snack sweetie…right after I get off the toilet.”

10. “For the love of GOD…watch where you’re aiming that thing and quit pissing on the walls!”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fetch the Clorox wipes to try and salvage what’s left of the powder room.

I Speak English, A Little French, And I’m Fluent In Bullshit

Ok, so since I started this blog a little over a year ago…most of you have gotten to know me pretty well. You know that I’m not afraid of discussing shit at the dinner table. You know that shaking my ass is at the top of my list of extracurricular activities, and you also know that I get paid to talk about celebrity smut all day long.

What you probably don’t know about me is that in addition to speaking English and the tiny bit of French I’ve retained from high school, I’m also fluent in the language of bullshit. And I’m talking about the bullshit that parents put out there to try and make sense of the fact that their kids have completely turned their lives upside down and given them grey hairs in places where the sun don’t shine. You know…the LIES PARENTS TELL to hide what is really going on.

May I present…

The Mommyologist’s Parental Bullshit Translator

Bullshit Statement #1: “Our little angel never cries…ever!”

Translation: “Holy motherf*&ing SHIT. This kid never shuts up. EVER. Oh for the love of GOD…get me some friggin’ earplugs before I’m catatonic in the corner crying for my own mother. I can’t take it anymore.”

Bullshit Statement #2: “My hubby is an absolutely DREAM with the new baby! I never lift a finger and he gets up with her every night!”

Translation: “I seriously can’t believe I married this prick. He hasn’t done one middle-of-the-night feeding, or changed one shitty diaper since this kid came home from the hospital. Now I understand why people get divorced.”

Bullshit Statement #3: “I was back in my skinny jeans the day after I left the hospital with this little munchkin!”

Translation: “F*&k you, I’m skinny because I’m blessed with an incredibly perfect gene pool. But I’m insecure in other areas so I choose to boost my own self-esteem by making you feel like a Twinkie-loving cow.”

Bullshit Statement #4: “Tomorrow is our 6-week post-partum check up at the OBGYN! I hope he gives us the ok to have sex again!”

Translation: “Holy shit. Tomorrow is our 6-week post-partum check up. That means that this asshole I’m living with is going to expect sex again. I just spent over 24-hours pushing a living thing out of my cha-cha, and the last thing I want to do is stick something back in there again. Oh for the love of GOD. If I don’t have sex with him tomorrow night, then he’s going to expect something else. Help me.”

Bullshit Statement #5: “I guess I’m lucky…I’m one of those women who doesn’t get tired, so getting up three times a night doesn’t even phase me!”

Translation: “I’m hallucinating due to lack of sleep, and I’m speaking gibberish. Just ignore me.”

Bullshit Statement #6: “My little prince listens to every single word I say! He never talks back, and he always minds his manners, because that’s what I’ve taught him to do!”

Translation: “Earlier today, this little rugrat stuck his tongue out at me, called me a poopyhead, and then proceeded to shove his finger up his nose, pull out a fresh picked booger, and wipe it on my leg. Stick a fork in me…I’m DONE.”

Bullshit Statement #7: “My kids always eat their vegetables at every meal, and they have NEVER had one grain of sugar.”

Translation: “If you consider sweet potato flavored Gerber puffs to be vegetables, then my kids eat veggies at every meal. And last night, after they polished off a cansiter each of puffs as they were screaming and kicking each other under the table, I shoved a rice krispie treat in each of their mouths so that I could manage to make a thirty-second phone call to the hubby to tell him to pick up more vodka on his way home from work.”

Bullshit Statement #8: “I don’t drink” or “I have never even thought about drinking since I had a kid.”

Translation: “Fix me a friggin’ martini before I either break down and cry or piss my pants from total lack of control.”

Bullshit Statement #9: “We’re having so much fun figuring out this whole parenting thing together!!”

Translation: “This kid is four months old, and we still have no idea what in the hell we’re doing. And it’s a miracle that we’re still sleeping in the same bedroom. Oh my GOD…what in the hell happened to our lives??”

Bullshit Statement #10: “I felt SO sexy while I was giving birth!”

Translation: “How did I feel while I gave birth? How do you think I felt, genius? Everyone in the room was staring at my crotch, which hadn’t been shaved in like two months because my belly was too big for me to see what I was doing as far as grooming goes, I farted uncontrollably in front of the hot anesthesiologist, I almost shat on the table, and then there was that whole episiotomy thing. Yeah…I was one sexy bitch, alright!”