July 1, 2010

What Makes Me Authentic?

Heather over at Theta Mom is celebrating her one year “blogoversary” this week!  And for any of you who follow her, when you first heard about this being the one year anniversary of her first blog post, you probably thought the same thing that I did.  ”How in the hell has this chick only been blogging for one year?  I mean, her blog freakin’ rocks!”

I have had the pleasure of getting to know Heather better over the past few months…and she is just as awesome as she is on her blog.  And I get to meet her in-real-life at Bloggy Boot Camp in Philly in September, which is pretty cool.  Try not to be jealous.

Anyway, I know that it is Thursday and I’m a little late in getting this posted, but I’ve just been so wrapped up in passing my tiara to the next Prom Queen.  And yes, there is still time to vote for your favorite, and you can do it here.

Theta Mom stands for “The-True-Authentic-Mom”, and in honor of her one-year celebration, Heather has asked us to answer the question, “What Makes You A Theta Mom?” and then link up over on her site.

What makes me a true and authentic Mom?  Hmm….

I’ve managed to come up with a few answers.

I Am Most Definitely A Theta Mom Because…

1. I have been pooped on.  Yes, you heard me right, POOPED on.  And this has happened to me on more than one occasion.  In fact, I don’t think that initiation as a mother has truly occurred until the brown stuff has actually touched your skin.

2. I carry Matchbox Cars and an extra pair of underpants (for my son, not for me) in my purse.  Over time I’ve realized that if I venture out in public without those two things, I’m setting myself up for failure.  Though I’ve never actually had to use the underpants.  And yes, I know that I just jinxed myself by typing that sentence.  Maybe I’ll pack two pairs today.

3. I have also carried a wadded up napkin containing regurgitated pizza in my purse as well.  Not full-fledged puke, just one upchucked bite.  I love our favorite pizza place and want to be able to show my face in there again on a weekly basis, so I just couldn’t bring myself to leave that napkin on the table for the waitress to pick up.  And yes, it took me about two days to realize that the napkin was still in my purse before I remembered to throw it out.

4. Hell, I am a freakin’ Theta Mom because my purse obviously doesn’t serve my own personal interests anymore.  And that’s why I buy cheap purses. Someday I’m gonna have a nice one though.

5. I’m not gonna lie…I have days where I wish my son would call me something other than “Mommy”, because all I hear is, “Mommy!  Mommy! Mommy!” over and over again like a broken record player.  And not because he really needs anything, but just because he is bored and has nothing else to say.  Maybe I should teach him to call me “Hot Stuff.”  I could deal with hearing that repeated from time to time.

6. If you add up how many hours of sleep I lost in my son’s first two years on this Earth, I’m pretty sure that the sum would equal about six months time. And I can’t ever get those six months back, but you know what?  If I live to a ripe, old age, then I won’t miss those six months anyway.  It’ll just mean that my BFF will get our room at the nursing home to herself for a bit before she checks out.

7. I’ve had to hop off webinars and conference calls because my son needed me to wipe his ass.  The end.

8. I’ve let my son eat cheeze-its for dinner on more than one occasion because I knew that if I fixed him a real dinner, he wouldn’t eat it, because all he wants is the damned cheeze-its, and I’d rather him eat the cheeze-its than throw away an entire meal.  And you know what?  I don’t even feel bad about it.

9. I can hardly remember the last time that I was able to use the bathroom in privacy.  In fact, it’s become sort of my dream for the future.  My very own toilet, in a secluded room all by itself, with a lock on the door and fresh flowers in a vase on the window-sill and lavender-scented toilet paper. And throw in some classical music too.

10. Even though my son is my absolute #1 priority, I still realize the importance of taking care of “me.”  Too often as busy moms, we neglect our own needs and desires, and that just makes us feel unattractive and unhappy.  (C’mon…you knew that I had to throw Mom Sexy in here somewhere, right)? I am a true and authentic mom because I realize that I am still a WOMAN.  I’m still FUN.  I’m still BEAUTIFUL.  And I’m still MOM SEXY…regurgitated pizza, poop, and all.

43 Comments
Posted Under: motherhood, Uncategorized
May 4, 2010

In Honor of Mother’s Day

Ok, so I know that I’m a few days early, but I’d like to bite the bullet and go ahead and wish all of my Mom Sexy ladies out there a Happy Mother’s Day!  Sunday is OUR day mamas!  It’s our day to RELAX.  It’s our day to REJUVENATE.  It’s our day to BE WAITED ON HAND AND FOOT.  And yes, it’s our day to pretty much only dream of doing those three things because the truth is that personal days just aren’t really part of our job description.

Because even when I do have the luxury of a day or even a few hours to myself, I never really manage to fully let myself unwind because the whole time I keep checking my watch every 15 minutes to see just exactly how much time I have left to savor the nirvana of a Lego-free existence. And then I realize that I am, in fact, thinking about Legos when I should be enjoying a little “me” time, and then once again I’m reminded that Legos are most definitely the boss of me.  And those bastards never really let me have a day off.

As far as my expectation went of how I thought my life would be after having kids, I can assure you that Legos most definitely were never part of that vision.  I guess there are just some things that you can’t learn from a handbook.  The most surprising aspects of motherhood were definitely taught to me via “On-The-Job Training.”  So, in honor of Mother’s Day, I thought it would be fun to share a few little lessons that I’ve learned from the greatest parenting instructor in the whole world, my adorable little stud.

1. If you want to know the REAL truth about something, ask a four-year old. This past weekend, my 89-year old grandfather’s tooth fell out.  My son looked at him and said, “Wow.  You must be getting really old.”  (This is the same child who also refers to MY belly button as a “squishy crater”.  He can’t tell a lie).

2. There are six degrees of separation between each and every mother on the planet.  And the connection can usually be found in some sort of poop story.  We all totally know each other.

3. No matter how hard you try and fight it, there will come a day when you finally surrender and give in to Dora, Diego, the Little Einsteins, etc.  Because even though those little characters may be annoying as hell at times, they will absolutely SAVE YOUR ASS when you wake up on a Saturday morning with a hangover and a toddler who doesn’t give a shit.

4. Apparently children have different standards of what constitutes proper etiquette when it comes to nose picking.  And their standard is pretty much “Anytime, Anyplace, Anywhere.”  And if the nose picking occurs and there isn’t a box of tissues in their general vicinity, then wiping the boogers on mom’s pant leg works just as well.

AND THAT CALLS FOR A….

5. There is seriously nothing funnier than taking pictures of a little kid’s exposed butt crack.  And I’m saving each and every shot for prom night. What high school chick in her right mind wouldn’t love seeing a shot of that cute little tush?  Yeah, I know.  I’m already researching therapists for the poor boy.

6. Just because I can eat an entire box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in one sitting doesn’t mean that my son can.  And it’s pretty bad that I make it anyway knowing full well that there is a fairly good chance that he won’t eat ONE BITE of it. But I just can’t let all that yummy mac and cheese go to waste so I’ll devour it with purpose each and every time.

7. When I was in high school, I always thought that moms with little kids were really old.  It never occurred to me that I would actually be considered one of those “old chicks” someday.  And the God’s honest truth is that I’m still not buying it.  Because when those cute little girls stand next to me at Zumba, I know they’re thinking that this mom really knows how to shake it.  That’s right. I’m a COOL mom.

8. I’m a complete and total multi-tasker.  I have an innate ability to check my email on my Iphone with one hand and wipe my son’s ass with the other.  And I can do both of those things with the cordless phone on my shoulder.

9. Farts are hysterical and totally not embarrassing when they come out of four year old’s butt.  A 32 year old?  Not so much.

10. Alright everyone.  I just can’t help myself.  I feel the need to reiterate that even though being a mom is the hardest, most important job on the face of the earth, it still doesn’t make anyone exempt from the Great Lego Takeover.  Just wait.  They’ll come for you too.

Happy Mother’s Day from The Mommyologist!!

37 Comments
Posted Under: Glam Check!, life after kids, motherhood
December 4, 2009

I Guess the Cat’s Out of the Bag!

Happy Friday everyone! I hope that you all have wonderful holiday season weekends planned with your families. I am so excited to attend the Ellington Winterfest tomorrow with my two best guys and to head to the Christmas Tree Farm on Sunday to cut down our tree and hopefully get an acceptable Christmas card photo. (That’s right…mine haven’t gone out yet because they haven’t been ordered yet because we don’t have the perfect photo of our son for the front yet). All Christmas card stress aside, there is just nothing better than holiday traditions with my little man! Christmas is definitely different now that I’m a parent…but in a good way for sure. I’ve gone from “Midnight Mass” to “How in the heck would I ever be able to stay awake to attend Midnight Mass?”, but it’s more than worth it when I see that little guy’s face on Christmas morning. There are just so many moments I’ve had when I’ve realized that I am most definitely a mommy and probably wouldn’t even recognize my pre-mama former self. Here’s a little food for thought to kick off your weekend…just a few little clues to provide some insight into when you know you’ve made a full transition to mommyhood. Enjoy!



You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you throw your son’s underwear that he’s just pooped in a little bit because he ate too many grapes the day before and couldn’t quite make it to the potty in time right in with your personal load of laundry without thinking twice about the fact that there is now poop swirling around the washing machine with your Hanky Panky thongs.

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you actually get excited about going for an eyebrow wax because even though tiny little hairs are being ripped out of your face, you know that you are at least getting five minutes to yourself without someone pulling on your leg and demanding something.

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you get into your car by yourself on one of those rare occasions when you do actually get to go for that eyebrow wax or any other act of much needed self indulgence and you get about 10 miles down the road before you realize that: a.) The Imagination Movers CD is still playing instead of the radio, and b.) You are actually singing along with the CD…and you actually like it, and after the realization that you are alone in your car and can turn off the CD and change to whatever radio station you usually listen to when you are kid-free, you instead choose to keep listening to the Imagination Movers.

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you stick your face down low for a close up of the diaper or potty filled with your child’s excrement in order to fully inspect each and every inch of the poop to make sure its color and texture are indeed in line with what is considered normal and appropriate according to the Child Wellness section of WebMd.

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you consider 7:00am sleeping in, 8:00am oversleeping, and 10:00am as the halfway mark till the end of your day, and by 3:00pm you are already getting dinner on the stove and thinking seriously about putting on your pj’s and putting tinfoil on your windows so that you can crawl into bed before dark.

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you are sitting on your couch trying to get through the dead of winter with a 10 month old and in a moment of true desperation, you have turned on an episode of The Wiggles and just for shits and giggles you sit there and think about which Wiggle you would “do” if someone put a gun to your head and told you it was a life or death situation. (Just go ahead and admit that you’ve had the thought once or twice too).

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you start to do things that your own mother did that you always swore you would never subject your own kid to but now find yourself doing without even thinking about it. A couple examples include spit-shining your child to get ketchup off his face, spitting in your hand a little and rubbing his head in an effort to slick down the hairs that are sticking straight up, and let’s not forget throwing your right arm across the passenger seat of the car when you hit the brakes too hard…and knowing full well that even though your child is strapped safely into his car seat in the back seat, your purse is on that passenger seat and you feel a real need to protect its contents.

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you wake up in the morning and check your Facebook page and are completely appalled because a friend of yours who has not yet ventured onto the journey of motherhood has updated her status to express to the world that she is “So Freakin’ Bored.” You immediately start having heart palpitations and furiously comment on her status something that goes a little like this: “Bored? What the fu*% is bored? I only WISH that I had the time to be bored! What the hell is wrong with you? Enjoy the boredom while you have it honey and find something a little more credible to complain about!” You then realize that the poor chick has no clue about how many mommies she just pissed off and would probably be mortified if she knew that she’d upset them, so you delete the comment, proceed to the next friend in your status update feed and give her a big thumbs up on her status, which says something like, “Woo-hoo! It’s Friday!” (Borrrinnnng)!

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you start preferring an issue of Family Circle or Good Housekeeping to an issue of US Weekly or Star. This particular transition didn’t happen right away for me…in fact it is fairly new, but I have to admit that it’s made me feel like even more of a Mom. I used to get excited about who Jessica Simpson was hooking up with and who was calling her fat and which celebrity daddy was caught cheating with the nanny in any given week. Now I get practically giddy when the Family Circle or Good Housekeeping (I subscribe to both) arrive at my door because I know that they are filled with great tips on how to remove red wine stains, and with easy mom-friendly weeknight recipes with no more than 10 ingredients or 5 preparation steps a piece. I mean, I absolutely love Cooking Light just as much as the next girl, but who in the hell has the time or the cash for that matter to put together a chili recipe with 37 ingredients? Give me a pound of ground beef, a couple cans of beans, and a can of stewed tomatoes and voila! A gourmet meal for two. (I understand now if any of my friends turn down my dinner invitations).

You know you’re a Mommy when…

…you can’t get away fast enough with your hubby for a much needed island vacation without your child…just the two of you, because secretly each and every day as much as you love your baby you dream of sitting on a beach, sipping a pina colada, heading back to your hotel room around 4:00pm for a nice afternoon nap, then getting all gussied up each night to enjoy an elegant meal sitting on a deck overlooking the ocean with the breeze blowing through your hair and cooling off your bronzed skin. You dream of falling in love with your husband all over again while sipping wine at that dinner and then, ahem, retiring to your hotel room for dessert. Then you sleep in as late as you want the next day and do it all over again. This is great for about the first two days of your vacation, but by day three all you and the hubster seem to have to talk about is the kid back home and how much you miss him and you start shopping frantically through all the shops on the island for the perfect little souvenirs to take home. By day seven you are both so ecstatic about getting home that you arrive at the airport three hours early, and when you finally board the plane you completely ignore the looks of pure confusion you are getting from the other homebound passengers on the plane because you and your hubby are the only people on that flight from Bermuda to Boston who are actually high-fiving each other as the plane pulls away from the gate. Yep…you definitely know you’re a mommy when you love to get away from your kid, but as soon as you do, all you can think about is getting back home and kissing his sweet little face as soon as possible.

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “Anyone else have any “You know you’re a Mommy” clues you’d like to share? When did you know that you’d fully made the transition?”

15 Comments
Posted Under: changes, motherhood
November 19, 2009

"Mom-Code"

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I booked the babysitter and were able to escape for a little rendezvous consisting of the traditional date-night dinner and a movie. We decided that we were in the mood for a few laughs, so we went to see Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughn. We are both big fans of his movies and just love his sense of humor, so this flick had been on our list for a while. All in all, it was a pretty cute movie and definitely had a few belly-laugh moments. For some unknown random reason, I started thinking about this movie again yesterday while pushing my son on the swing in our backyard. I remembered how in the film, there were a couple references made to “Man-Code.” I am sure that each and every one of you have heard of this little thing known as Man-Code, and if for some reason you haven’t, it’s pretty much a no-brainer. Man-Code is a little set of unwritten rules between males that they don’t ever discuss, but the concepts are just generally understood. Breaking the Man-Code is a complete and total no-no, and usually results in a full on brawl of one sort or another, and someone going home with a black eye or two. A few examples of the code include not hooking up with any of their “bros” ex-girlfriends, pretending not to notice one of their male co-workers while visiting a strip-club after work knowing full well that if that co-worker were to notice him, that he would keep his lips zipped and adhere to the Man-Code, and not divulging any information that is brought up around the poker table on boys night to his wife when he gets home that night. As I chuckled to myself a little about the Man-Code while my son laughed on the swing, I started realizing that moms also have an unspoken set of rules that are meant to be followed under any and all circumstances. We truly do have our own “Mom-Code.” I decided that it was necessary to the survival of our sisterhood for me to go against the grain and write down a full set of rules describing the Mom-Code. Here goes nothing!

“Mom-Code” according to The Mommyologist”

(Note: These rules are in no particular order)

1. If Mom #1 notices that Mom #2′s thong is popping out of her low-rise jeans and is visible to the public as she crouches down to tie her child’s shoe, it is Mom #1′s duty to stand behind Mom #2 to conceal that thong until she stands back up, at which point she needs to be notified of the thong-flash so she can pull her jeans up a little. This rule also applies to exposed butt-cracks.

2. One mom should never have to apologize to another mom for her house being a complete and total mess before coming over for a playdate. The reasoning behind this is that Mom #2′s house is a mess also after trying to wrangle kids and at the same time tackle the dishes, the laundry, phone calls, emails, and whatever sort of destruction the children do to her dwelling while she is trying to accomplish those household tasks, so she will understand and will not think poorly upon Mom #1 if the remnants of last night’s lasagna are still soaking in a pan in her sink.

3. If Mom #2 comes over to Mom #1′s home with her children, and one of them knocks something over and breaks it, Mom #1 will not bat an eyelash while cleaning that item up and throwing whatever is left of it into the trash can. If the item were breakable and had any significance or worth to it at all, then Mom #1 should have been smart enough not to have it on display in a place where children freely roam. Mom #2 will politely apologize for her child breaking the item, but she is really just standing there thinking about the Mom-Code and wondering why in the hell Mom #1 would have something so fragile on display.

4. Time alone with other moms is our time to vent about anything and everything that is going on in our mom-world. If Mom #1 chooses to have a husband bashing session with Moms #2 and #3, the latter two moms will not judge her for one millisecond, and the next time that they are together without Mom #1, they will not bring up or discuss any of the negative things that Mom #1 said about her husband. She is a woman after all, and women need to vent, and what better way to vent than to vent to other moms about how pissed off she is that her husband didn’t get up in the middle of the night with the baby or didn’t pick his clothes up off the bedroom floor. If some sort of more serious husband offense is discussed and Mom #1 is completely irate with him, then Mom #2 and Mom #3 will be irate with him as well and will nod their heads in agreement when Mom #1 says, “I can’t BELIEVE he (insert bad deed here).” When the storm blows over a week or so later and Mom #1 declares that her husband is an absolute saint and she loves him even more than she did on her wedding day, Mom #2 and Mom #3 will happily congratulate her on what a total catch that hubby of hers is.

5. Moms-night-out is like gold and it should be treated with respect and dignity. When out with the moms for some much needed girl time, Mom #1 will not order an appetizer and call that her entree. If any appetizers are going to be ordered, then there will be a few of them ordered for the whole table to share, and they will not be non-fat. There are NO calories on Mom’s night. If the spinach and artichoke dip is ordered for the table then Mom #1 better be taking a bite or two of that dip because if she doesn’t have some of that dip, then all of the other moms at the table will feel like they are over-indulging. This rule especially applies if Mom #1 is skinnier than the rest of the mom group. She will then order a delicious entree and will share whatever desserts are ordered with the rest of the mom clan. (I am ashamed to admit that I have broken the dessert code more than once. It is my pledge from here on out that I will never let this unacceptable behavior happen again).

6. Whenever Mom #1 invites any other moms over to her house because she is hosting a jewelry party, spa party, candle party, food-tasting party, etc., the other moms will operate under the assumption that if they accept the party invitation, that: a.) they will attend the party under all logical circumstances and will not cancel last minute unless there is a dire emergency, and b.) they will understand clearly that they are expected to purchase a decent amount of items at that party so that Mom #1 can collect her free goods. For all fairness and reciprocity purposes, Mom #1 will then attend each and every single party hosted by any of the moms who attended her party and the same rules will apply to her.

7. (This Mom-Code rule seems to be the one that is most broken and ignored by mothers, and mainly by new moms. After their children get a little older, they start to see the light and hopefully start paying more attention to this rule, but I think it is necessary to try and start enforcing it a little earlier to save new mothers some heartache that they definitely do NOT deserve).

If Mom #1 confesses to Mom #2 that her baby was up crying the entire night before and she is completely exhausted and at her wits end because she tried every single trick in the book with that baby and he/she still would not go to sleep, Mom #2 will offer nothing but sympathy and compassion to Mom #1 and she will offer to watch her child for a couple hours so that Mom #1 can go take a nap or at least have a few minutes to herself. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will Mom #2 look at Mom #1 and say, “Well, I’m sorry but I just can’t imagine what you are going through because my little angel sleeps through the night every night and has for months!” Read this one clearly ladies and let it sink in: Motherhood is NOT a competition! It is absolutely against the rules for Mom #2 to make Mom #1 feel like she is doing something wrong or that her baby is inferior in any way just to boost up her own credibility as a parent. Mom #1 will have way more respect for Mom #2 and their friendship will continue to thrive and grow if they lean on each other instead of compete with each other. (I really wish I’d known about this rule sooner. It would’ve saved me a lot of 4:30am sobbing sessions).

8. Every mother knows that your body is just never quite the same after giving birth. You may shed every last pound of baby weight, but somehow your favorite jeans still don’t fit. It happens to the best of us. Even though our shapes don’t completely revert back to their pre-preggo form, this is not an excuse to start wearing “mom-jeans.” You all know what “mom-jeans” are and if there is any clarification needed as to what types of jeans constitute being labeled as “mom-jeans”, basically if the top of your pants is anywhere close to your bra-line, then you are officially wearing “mom-jeans.” Let this be a fair warning that if Mom #1 puts on a pair of “mom-jeans”, it is the duty of Mom #2 and Mom #3 to casually let her know that she is wearing “mom-jeans” and to stage an intervention if necessary.

9. This rule applies to all of the pregnant chicks about to enter the mom-sphere. If a preggo-chick is hanging out with Mom #1 and Mom #2, who have been around the block on the whole mommy thing for some time now and have learned a thing or two on their journey, preggo-chick fully sets herself up for any and all weird smirks and looks coming from the faces of Mom #1 and Mom #2 when she announces her perfectly thought out plan for how her labor and delivery will go, what she will and won’t do as a mom, and exactly what type of child her little one is going to be. The thoughts going through the heads of Moms #1 & #2 behind those weird looks and smirks go something like this, “Yeah, RIGHT! You just wait honey! You have NO IDEA what is about to happen to your little utopia!” Mom #1 and Mom #2 have a set of guidelines here too and are under the general understanding that the best thing to do in this situation is to just smile and nod knowing full well that preggo-chick will figure out exactly why she was getting such weird looks from them the first time that she wakes up in the middle of the night to a crying baby who has poop all the way up his back.

10. Adhering and agreeing to the Mom-Code rules means that you understand that under no circumstances is there ever any excuse for breaking the code or disclosing any of its secrets to members of the opposite sex. They have their code and we have ours and there is just no need for the two to overlap in any way. Of course, if any of your husbands decide to break the Man-Code and tell you any juicy secrets spilled at the poker table about any of the husbands of any of our Mom-Code sisters, it is your duty as a Mom-Code follower to fill her and the rest of us in on every single detail.

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “I’m taking my official oath today to follow all of the rules of the Mom-Code to the very best of my ability. I am so honored to be part of this elite club! How about you?”

13 Comments
Posted Under: friendship, moms, motherhood