June 16, 2011

Rockin’ The Bump? My Bump Rocked Me.

When you were preggo…were you the “cute pregnant chick?” You know…the one who only gained weight in her belly and still looked Mom Sexy as ever aside from the basketball that had taken up residence on her mid section?

 

Yeah…that wasn’t me. While there are many pregnant ladies who seriously know how to make a bump look fab…mine looked like a freakin BUMP. And a very large one at that.

 

My good friend Shell over at Things I Can’t Say is hosting a fun event this week called “Rockin’ The Bump.” She’s encouraging Mom Sexy ladies everywhere to share our cute preggo pics with the world.
 

 

The only problem is…I don’t have one of those. We didn’t get a digitial camera until I was past the point of even being able to squeeze into my maternity jeans…so this picture is about the best I can do as far as “Rockin” my bump goes.
 
 

50 pounds of preggo

 

Ain’t she a peach?

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Posted Under: pregnant
December 1, 2009

A Few Words from a Former A-Lister

Well, I finally seem to be coming out of my Turkey Day coma and I’m getting back into a routine of some sort and getting a post up today! I feel like such a slacker…but I guess that’s what consuming two or three pounds of food over the course of a long weekend does to you. I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday! I enjoyed a very quiet and pleasant Thanksgiving Day with my two boys, and then on Friday morning I hopped on a plane for a quick 24-hour trip to Pittsburgh (my hometown) for a family baby shower. I was so excited to take this trip for a few reasons. First, my mom was flying in from her home in Florida and meeting me there and I always love the chance to sneak in a visit with her even if it’s only for a few hours. She and I always have so many laughs when we are together, and there is usually plenty of wine involved resulting in even more comedy. This trip was no exception. Second, my grandfather lives in Pittsburgh and I don’t see him near enough, so it was so nice to catch up with him a little and fill him in on everything that is going on in my world these days. Third, basically my mom’s entire side of the family lives in Pittsburgh as well, and getting together with all of them is like coming home, no matter what state I happen to live in at the time. I guess I’ll always be a girl from the ‘Burgh at heart.

On Saturday morning, all of my lady relatives met up at one of our cousin’s houses and piled into three different cars to make the 45 minute drive to the baby shower. There were only two women in each car, but I won’t go into any further details on that. It’s a female thing I guess! When we arrived, we were greeted by the mother-to-be and she was glowing and looked absolutely stunning. She is one of those “cute pregnant chicks” who is all belly and hasn’t gained an ounce of weight anywhere else. Normally this would really tick me off, but this mama is one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met, so I am making an exception to the rule and saying that she 100% deserves to be the “cute pregnant chick.” She doesn’t know how lucky she is that she looks so good. Everyone at her shower was commenting on how beautiful and tiny she was. When I was eight months pregnant, all I heard was plenty of people asking me, “What are you eating??” I would usually just shrug my shoulders a little and try and change the subject, but truthfully, I wanted to respond to that question by saying, “What am I eating? Everything in freakin’ sight you moron! In case you hadn’t noticed, I am PREGNANT and this is the one time in my life when I’m supposed to be able to chow down without any guilt, so please shut up and step aside so I can grab another Krispy Kreme donut!” (I’m not bitter or anything…I swear).

The shower was beautiful, and after a delicious sit down luncheon of plenty of rolls, salad, chicken stuffed with three different kinds of cheese, mashed potatoes, and a lovely slice of chocolate cake, a chair was brought to the front of the room so the mother-to-be could open all of her gifts. As I sat at my table and watched her admire all of the wonderful things she was receiving, I started to fidget in my chair a little. For the most part, I was fidgeting because the waist of my pants was starting to cut off my circulation after a Thanksgiving dinner complete with all the fixins, half a cookie sheet of nachos covered in chili and sharp cheddar cheese, rolls soaked in garlic butter, fried zucchini, chicken parm, and angel hair covered in more cheese from the delicious Italian dinner my granddad had treated me and Mom to the night before, half a bottle of wine (one of those BIG bottles) at his condo before dinner, two glasses of wine at the restaurant, and now everything that was just served to us at this baby shower. Are you getting the full effect? I hope so.

The other main reason that I started to fidget in my chair is because being at this baby shower brought back so many memories of my own baby shower four years earlier. I vividly remembered just how special I felt on that day…and pretty much every single day throughout my pregnancy. Being pregnant is a little like being a celebrity. For one thing, everyone loves you. I mean, EVERYONE! Everywhere I went, people who didn’t even know me would open doors for me, offer to carry things for me in stores, heck, I even think that someone gave up their table at a restaurant one time for me and my husband because they must have known that I needed to get fed a lot quicker than they did. I was a total A-lister! I was the star of the show and everyone did whatever they could to cater to my each and every need. I didn’t need a red carpet or papparazzi to know that all eyes were indeed on ME!

As I thought about this concept and kept watching the mother-to-be opening more gifts, I realized that a woman’s baby shower is pretty much her last hoo-rah. It is the very last time that she is the main attraction. As soon as that baby comes, she goes from A-lister to S-lister. I’m sure you are all wondering why I say “S-lister” instead of “B-lister” or even “C-lister”. The descriptions below should help clear a few things up.

1. The “A” in A-lister stands for so many different things. A few phrases that come to mind to describe the A-lister are, “Awww! She’s Absolutely Adorable!” “Awww! She will be the most Affectionate and Awesome mom!” “Awww! She must be ready to burst with Anticipation of that little Angel’s arrival!”

2. The “S” in S-lister can be summed up in these statements: “Screw you lady! Step aside Sister! There is a baby involved now and you’ve officially taken the backseat. See ya!

I’m sure this isn’t news that any of the preggo chicks out there want to hear. Sorry girls, but this is the God’s honest truth. Enjoy the spotlight now, because this is your last curtain call before your bundle arrives.

In thinking a little harder about the whole transition from A-lister to S-lister, I realized that part of the reason this shift is such a shocker to new moms is because of the false picture painted by the gifts they receive from baby shower guests. Now don’t get me wrong here…I mean, nobody wants to burst any pregnant chick’s bubble or anything like that, but some of the gifts that are given nowadays just really aren’t practical and I believe they provide the new mommy with an unrealistic expectation about how rosy and perfect things should be after that baby comes.

Let’s start with a gift that I’m sure all of us received at our own showers, the baby wipes warmer. I will be the first one to admit that I was overjoyed by that gift and at the thought of not having to shock my little one with a cold baby wipe on his little tush when I went to change him in the dead of winter. It was only after my poor baby boy had a bout of diarrhea at 3am that was seeping out of every opening of his little onesie that I realized that the last thing I wanted to do while cleaning him up was to add HEAT into the mix. I mean, why on earth would anyone want to add heat and amplify a stench like that? I unplugged the wipes warmer that night and never used it again. And you know what? My little one never batted an eyelash when I used room temperature wipes.

The next gift that is pretty much inevitable at every baby shower is the hand-knitted stark WHITE cardigan sweater. I mean, sure, it is absolutely darling and so thoughtful and I’d probably make one too if I knew how to knit or even sew for that matter, but C’MON!! Just as an adult wearing a white shirt is a magnet for spaghetti sauce, a handmade white sweater on a baby is practically begging to be thrown up on. All I can say for the sweater is to either stick the baby in it real quick for one photo to send to the gift giver, or from now on tell all the knitters out there to make the sweater in more of a baby formula cream color to at least make the puke stains less noticeable.

The final gifts of impracticality that I’d like to discuss are rattles or any sort of noisemakers for that matter. Sure, they are cute, and it is cute to shake them in front of the baby a little in the hopes of catching a glimpse of what is indeed, a smile, and not some bout of gas. What isn’t cute is when that baby is screaming his head off while you have some sort of visitor over there who thinks that she knows all the tricks for calming down a screaming baby and one of those seems to be shaking a rattle in the poor little bundle’s face. Yeah, just what the new mom AND the kid need. MORE noise.

Since I’ve taken it upon myself to discuss all of the gifts that I think are completely impractical, I decided that it was only fitting for me to come up with some sort of gift that I believe a new mom will just get way more use out of. Thus, the “S-lister Survival Kit” was born. I am pledging right now that for any baby shower I attend in the future, I will be slipping Miss Preggo a gift under the table while no one is looking. I will tell her to take that gift home, and not to open it until about two weeks after she brings the new addition home from the hospital. I really think I may be on to something here.

Contents of the S-lister Survival Kit:

- A nice supply of assorted “nips” (airplane sized bottles of booze…perfect to drown out the agony a little)

- Bottle of eye makeup remover (to clean up unintentional streaks from the incessant bouts of crying)

- A few Tide pens (no explanation needed)

- Brown paper bag (in case of hyperventalation)

- Copy of book “Babyproofing Your Marriage” (give me one new mommy who hasn’t had one negative thought about her husband in the few weeks after bringing the baby home and I’ll provide her with her very own medal of honor. She’s lying by the way…)

- A pack of cloth diapers to be used as burp pads (They’re the BEST and there is just no need for the cute little burp pads with teddy bears on them. Those don’t soak up a thing!)

- A bottle of Baby Powder (not for the baby…but to put in her hair to soak up the grease on days when she can’t shower…so, for most days of the week)

- A bag of Hershey Kisses (just so she knows that someone loves her and is thinking about her and has gone through the same challenges as her and she’s not alone…and also just because sometimes a piece of chocolate just makes everything better)

- A tube of Preparation H or Tucks Pads (because if she knows me at all then she knows I’m not shy about post-baby hemorrhoids)

- A little card with the web address to this blog (in the hopes that I can help her feel more normal by providing a few laughs on sleepless nights)

- A Tiara (for days when she just needs to feel like a princess again…why not? She deserves it!)

I guess the cat’s out of the bag on what any of my future mom-to-be friends can expect to receive from me at their baby showers. Hope I still make the guest list!

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: There is something that all the S-listers have to look forward to. Trust me when I say that you will feel like an A-lister again when your baby grows up a little, looks at you adoringly and says, “I think you’re the best Mommy in the whole world! Thanks for making popcorn!” I know I felt like a celebrity when my son said that to me last night during our “Grinch Who Stole Christmas” pajama party. It made all of my S-lister moments more than worth it!



20 Comments
Posted Under: baby shower, new mom, pregnant
November 3, 2009

Survival of the Fittest

It’s Tuesday morning and I’ve just finished eating breakfast with my son. On my menu today? I had my usual scrambled egg whites with salsa, (remember I’ve cut wheat, dairy, sugar, and now alcohol). On my son’s menu? I fixed him some of those same scrambled egg whites with a little melted American cheese, which he will eat about 5 times out of 10. I probably could’ve gotten him to eat them this morning if I hadn’t also included leftover sour cream coffee cake from Rein’s deli on his plate. Any idiot parent knows that if you want your kid to consume healthy foods, then you serve just that and nothing else. You don’t make your child a separate meal or substitute any menu items from what the rest of the family is having. If they don’t like it, then they just don’t eat. Tell that to a mommy whose kid has about three items that he will actually ingest on any given day of the year! My son’s diet mainly consists of McDonald’s chicken nugget happy meals with apple dippers (he gags on french fries), rolls or bread of any sort, and peanut butter. Don’t even get me started on the peanut butter because I know that I’m going to be up a creek with no paddle once he enters the public school system.

As I watched my little boy pick around the egg whites in order to make sure he got every last bit of the “sugary pieces” of coffee cake, (meaning the crusty sugar coated top part), I thought about how there are so many things I do as a parent that I SWORE up and down I would NEVER do when I had children. You know the high-and-mighty pregnant chick who thinks she has a perfectly well thought out agenda for how each and every day of her baby’s first 18 years of life will go? Yeah, that was me too. And if that is you right now, take my advice and get any preconceived notions about parenthood out of your head immediately. Trust me, this will save you a lot of days spent crying on the couch wondering what the hell happened to your foolproof plan.

When I was pregnant with my son, I used to run around preaching to everyone who would listen about how much I hated pacifiers and how there was just “no way in hell” that my baby would ever have one. I was convinced that pacifiers were an absolute “crutch” and that if a new baby was never introduced to one, then he/she would never know the difference. As I was reading one of the hundred or so baby and parenting books that had been given to me as a gift, I got really hooked on the whole concept of “self-soothing” for a baby. My baby would NOT need that pacifier and he (we knew we were having a boy at this point) would do just fine if I left him in the crib, let him “cry it out” and learn the technique of “self-soothing.” It is at this point that I will advise every pregnant woman reading this to throw out each and every single baby book that you were given aside from “What to Expect While You’re Expecting.” Reading too many of these other books written by “experts” may cause you to wind up in a mental institution after your bundle arrives.

My son was a pretty calm baby when we first brought him home from the hospital. He really only cried when he needed to be fed or changed. My husband and I were convinced that we had a real winner on our hands! I remember bragging about my newborn a bit…afterall, we were almost three weeks into our journey as parents and we were still pacifier-free! The little bugger must have understood what we were saying and thought to himself, “I’ll show you who is in charge around here!” Suddenly, out of nowhere, our perfect little angel was screaming at the top of his lungs from about 7pm to 10pm every single night. We tried everything. We walked him up and down the halls. We rocked him. I tried the whole “Shh Shh Shh” thing while bouncing up and down that my mother had learned from her grandmother and had taught me. I tried leaving him in the crib to “self-soothe” and that about turned me into a maniac. NOTHING was working.

Someone had given us a few of those forbidden items known as pacifiers for a baby shower gift. In a desperate attempt to save our sanity, my hubby looked at me on one of these evenings of terror and said, “WHERE THE HELL IS THAT THING?” It was hidden away in one of our kitchen cabinets. I could barely hear him over all the racket, but I reluctantly went to the cabinet, took the item out of the package, washed it in boiling hot water, cooled it off, and then decided that I was at my wit’s end and would give it a shot. I popped that sucker into my baby’s mouth and the next thing I knew, there was SILENCE. Yes, SILENCE. Well, maybe there was a little bit of noise from him sucking the finish off that thing, but other than that it was completely quiet.

That was the moment when all my good intentions went straight out the door. My baby was now a “paci-baby.” And you know what? I didn’t CARE! My husband and I did what we HAD to for our survival. Having a newborn completely turns your world upside down. If you focus for too long on trying to do what the “experts” say is right, then you will never get out alive! It was probably just as well that I learned this lesson earlier than most. I have done my best to apply it to other aspects of parenting, including the whole food issue. Granted, there are some kids out there who are phenomenal eaters and will eat anything you put in front of them. These kids are usually accompanied by mothers who love to brag about this to their other mom-friends who have McDonalds loving kids like mine. You know what I say to them? “KISS MY GRITS!” My kid may live on Bertucci’s rolls and chicken nuggets most days of the week…he also watches more TV than he probably should and had that pacifier until he was three years old (gasp!), but you know what? He is happy, and SO well-adjusted and I have better things to do with my time than worry about what he is going to eat for dinner that night. I am just thrilled if he eats at all! I have learned what works for ME and MY family and OUR survival. Don’t worry missy, your kid will give you grief in some other way down the road! And when he/she does, I hope that you learn the concept of “survival of the fittest!” As long as you love your child with all your heart and he/she is happy and healthy, then you are doing the RIGHT THING. Being a good parent doesn’t mean being perfect, it means being a survivor!

Ok, enough of my ranting and raving. Now that I’ve successfully finished writing this I need to go give my son the piece of candy out of his Halloween bag that I promised him if he left me alone without interrupting me so I could get this post done.

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “My son chose a box of junior mints as his little bribery reward. Upon putting the first one into his mouth, he started gagging, proceeded to regurgitate it into my hand, and then started crying that he wanted a “different candy!” It’s official, my son gags on junior mints. Maybe he’ll do better with the milk duds. I rest my case!”

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Posted Under: baby books, food, McDonalds, pacifier, parenting, pregnant, survival