Parking Lots Are Eventually Going to Kill Me

I’m no psychic or fortune teller or anything like that, but every time I find myself out and about running errands, I’m fairly certain I know what my cause of death will likely be.

Odds are good at some point or another, I’m going to suffer a heart attack while trying to back out of a parking space. Yes, my friends, parking lots scare the absolute shit out me — and I honestly wish I were being overdramatic. I’m not. They really terrify me, you guys.

Especially the ones at the grocery store and Target. Those are the absolute worst. OMG. I’m having heart palpitations simply thinking about having to leave the parking lot of one of those two venues.

Think I’m exaggerating? Here’s a rundown of what goes through my head and comes out of my mouth upon exiting any parking lot. (I shit you not, this is how it happens every single time.)

(Picture me sitting in the car, looking stressed out and terrified.)

Deep breath. Deep breath. Big sigh. Deep breath.

I put the car in reverse, take another deep breath, glance at the back-up camera, and then turn my head around to make sure no other cars are coming.

I lightly tap the gas pedal and start to back out of the space.

I promptly slam on the breaks.

“DUDE! What the f*&% do you think you’re doing? Don’t you fu&%ing see me backing out? Slow the fu&% down!”

“People are fu&%ing crazy.” (Muttering under my breath.)

Check the back-up camera again. Look behind me again. Tap the gas pedal again.

Get about 1/4 out of the space before slamming on the breaks again.

“Seriously?!? Are you fu&%ing kidding me? This is insane!”

“Watch where you’re going, asshole!!!” (Said VERY loudly, but with the windows rolled up, of course.)

Cue the heart palpitations.

Check the back-up camera again. Slowly start to back out again. Start feeling confident after making it a good 3/4 of the way out of the space.

Jam the HELL out of the breaks after some chick walks directly in back of my car, oblivious to the fact that I’m backing out.

“OMG, lady!! Watch where you’re going, for crying out loud! I almost ran your ass right over!” (No, she can’t hear me.)

Finally finish backing out of the space, put the car into drive, and start breathing huge sighs of relief.

Chuckle a little bit because I managed to outsmart all the other idiots and successfully got out of the space without hitting anyone or anything.

Start to drive away …

“What the fu&% is this?!?”

Someone is waiting to pull into the space I just pulled out of, but they’re too far over in the middle of the row and now I can’t get by.

“You have GOT to be shitting me. If you want my space, back the fu&% up and MOVE the fu&% over!!”

He/she finally gets the message and backs up a half a foot.

I squeeze by, but just barely.

I bitch and moan the whole way home about how I fu&%ing hate parking lots, and how they’re going to be the death of me someday.

The next day, I repeat the exact same scenario all over again. (Fu&% me.)

Do parking lots creep you out too, or am I just a total head case?

 

 

 

I Want To be a Toys R’ Us Mom

Ok Moms and Dads…how many of you out there have little ones who absolutely flip for Toys R’ Us?  And how many of you are more than happy to take them there just for the sheer joy of seeing their little faces light up like a Christmas Tree?  Better yet…how many of you are anything like me and use the whole, “If you’re a really good boy for me while I get the laundry and housework done today, then I promise to take you to Toys R’ Us this weekend” bribe incentive?

I think that pretty much every kid wants to be a Toys R’ Us Kid…and now I want to be a Toys R’ Us Mom!  I’m so happy to have teamed up with Toys R’ Us as a promotional partner to help them celebrate the Grand Openings of 50 new stores nationwide from June to October 2010!

Want to get in on the action?  All you have to do is visit www.iwanttobeatoysrusmom.com to locate a Grand Opening or Re-Opening near you.  Find the state that you live in, download your SECRET COUPON, and redeem it on the Grand Opening/Re-Opening weekend to reveal your shopping discount.  You could be rewarded with the opportunity to receive 50% off one single item!  Got any ideas in mind for what you’d like to get?  I know I do!

Want an even better deal? If you are one of the first 100 people through the door on Friday morning at 9:30am of the opening weekend in your area, you will receive a free gift bag of goodies valued at over $100!

What are you waiting for?  Head on over to www.iwanttobeatoysrusmom.com right now, find your city, and mark your calendar so you don’t miss out on this great event!

My Moment to Shine…but not before my candle was extinguished a couple times!

I awoke to such a nice surprise this morning! I have been presented with the “One Lovely Blog” award from my new fellow blogging mama friend, Sarah, author of The Stroller Ballet, www.thestrollerballet.com. I was so honored that she chose me as one of her recipients, especially since today is only the two-week anniversary of my first post!

I am really enjoying reading her blog, so please stop by and visit her and say hello! I really appreciate her supporting me as a newbie!

The official rules of accepting this award are as follows:

Accept this award and post it on your blog. Include link back to the blog you received it from.
Pass the award to fifteen blogs you have newly discovered.
Be sure to contact them to let them know they have been awarded.

This wouldn’t be a true Mommyologist post unless there was some sort of glitch that prevented me from following these rules 100% to a T. Everything in my life seems to have some sort of “glitch” these days. You see, since I’ve only been blogging for two weeks, I don’t have 15 other blogs that I follow. Honestly, I am not even sure that I have 10, and of those 10, some have most likely already received this award, so I find myself in a bit of a pickle if I want to both accept the award and follow the rules. I really wasn’t sure what to do about my little dilemma, so I decided that a nice, hot shower and a blowout of my hair might help me come to some sort of resolution. For those of you who read my “date night” post, you know that I didn’t have time to take a shower yesterday, so I was long overdue for this one! There is just something about being fresh and clean and blow-drying my hair so it’s full of bounce and volume (at least it is right after I style it) that just helps me to think with a clear head.

I made my way upstairs with my son, plopped him down into the middle of our king-sized bed, turned on the TV for him, and proceeded to go into the master bathroom and completely disrobe to get ready for my much needed bathing session. Of course, right as I was about to hop in the shower, I hear my little man yell into the bathroom, “Mommy! May I please have a snack and a drink?” I am really big on getting manners from this kid, so there was no way in hell that I was going to ignore his polite little request. I grabbed my towel and draped it around me, shut the gate at the top of the stairs, and came down as fast as I could to retrieve his cranberry juice and cheerios from the family room coffee table. I have an irrational fear that every time I walk through my house in nothing but a towel, that the UPS man or one of the neighbors will ring my doorbell at the precise moment that I pass the skinny windows on either side of the front door. Sometimes I wish that we lived out in the middle of the woods somewhere and that I could just leisurely walk around my house without that towel and just let it all hang out. Ok, wait a minute. I take back that statement. For a minute there I forgot that I am a 32-year old woman who still bares the evidence (disguised as cellulite) that I was once pregnant and gained 50 or so pounds during that pregnancy. Now I’m a little nauseous at the thought of my post-baby self in the buff. Ok, give me the towel back!

After my baby was relaxed and happy and eating his snack in my bed, I took that much deserved hot shower, got dressed, got my make-up looking perfect, blew out my hair until it looked almost straight-from-the-salon, then came back downstairs to get ready to start writing my post for the day and accept my award. Afterall, this WAS my day to shine a bit. I decided to go ahead and just pass my award on to the other blogs that I DO follow and hope that my new friend would understand why I didn’t yet have the 15 stated in the rules! She seems like a pretty cool chick, so I guessed that it wouldn’t be an issue and hopefully she’d forgive me for being the rule-breaker that I am! For only being at the two-week mark, I thought that 9 out of 15 wasn’t all that shabby. I was almost completely done writing my entry, and then it happened. My cell phone rang. My son had been happily sitting on the couch and watching the Backyardigans while I finished writing for the day, and that damn cell phone went off. For whatever reason, any time the phone rings my son sees this as a signal to get all up in my face and start asking me a million questions and making a million requests. If he’s not doing that, then he’s flipping over all of the plastic containers in his playroom and beating on them with two drum sticks saying he’s a rock star. Today, however, he decided that since mommy was on the phone, this was the perfect time to play some computer games on Playhouse Disney’s website. Normally this wouldn’t have been an issue, but blogger was having trouble saving my draft. Stupid me decided to take a chance and just log out so that he could play his game and I could finish my phone conversation. Wouldn’t you know that the minute he hopped onto the stool and started playing his games, the person I was talking to told me that she was getting another call and would need to call me back. I’m sure you can all guess what happened next. YEP! That’s right! Blogger did not save my post. I had lost the WHOLE THING…and my moment to shine!

You would’ve thought the world had come to an end. I was SO upset and SO angry. I immediately hopped onto my Facebook page to let everyone out there know just how pissed off I was. Updating your status always seems like a great way to vent in the heat of the moment. This time it didn’t work at all. I literally felt like I was going to pass out because I was so mad. I decided that the best thing to do was to get out of the house for a while and try not to think about it. I mean, it was only a blog post for crying out loud and there were plenty of more important things that I could get upset about. I figured that I had a pretty good memory and could probably recreate it later on.

My son and I headed first to the bank, and then to the Christmas Tree Shop. For those of you who don’t live in the New England states, the Christmas Tree Shop is really not a Christmas store at all. It is basically a pack-rat’s heaven for all sorts of things that you absolutely do not need but can’t seem to live without. Everything is insanely cheap and honestly if you can think of it, they have it somewhere in that store. I don’t know why I thought going to the Christmas Tree Shop on a Friday at the beginning of holiday shopping season was a good idea. If the date is anywhere remotely close to the holidays and you want some excitement and want to see a real freak show, there is no need to go to Vegas. Just head to your local Christmas Tree Shop for entertainment for the entire family. I could barely navigate my cart through that store today, it was so nuts. I picked up a couple of baskets that I needed and then decided that since my son had been so patient with me during my little blog-deletion rampage, that I would take him over to the toy section and let him pick out something special. I figured he’d go for yet another truck or an electric guitar, but I was WAY OFF. You know what he picked out? A nine-dollar plastic shopping cart complete with cardboard boxes of groceries. His eyeballs got as big as saucers when he saw that thing. I have to admit, I was just as excited as he was, because I knew that the minute we got home, he would be so focused on pushing that thing around that he’d let me sit at the computer for a bit and maybe finally get this post done. When I asked him if he liked the toy he’d picked out, he yelled out “YES!” Then he looked at me and said, “Mommy, I love this shopping cart and I want to buy it. YOU be the payer!” I think that every single person in that store could hear my roars of uncontrollable laughter. Sometimes it just takes one adorable little statement from a perfectly charming three-and-a-half year old to make you totally forget whatever it was you were so upset about earlier in the day and put things right back into perspective. After we checked out and got in the car to come home things just started to get even better. Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” was on the radio and I proceeded to turn it up, bob back and forth a little to the beginning part, “Whoa whoa wo wo wo Whoa Whoa!” and sing at the top of my lungs. My little boy thought I was hysterical and all was right in the world again.

Ok, back to the original intention of this entry. Thank you again to Sarah for recognizing me with this award and thank you so much to everyone who has been reading and following me! With that being said, I would like to give this award to:

www.frugalistalife.blogspot.com
www.operationsippycup.blogspot.com www.defininggreenville.blogspot.com www.mammydiaries.blogspot.com www.stephscafe.blogspot.com www.sophieandlilihandmade.blogspot.com www.thekeepingtime.blogspot.com www.housequeen.blogspot.com www.theungourmet.com

Please stop by and check out their blogs when you have a minute!

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “If you are having one of those days where things just aren’t going your way, just hop in the car and head to the nearest Christmas Tree Shop. It’ll cure what ails you!”