Thanksgiving | Mommyologist

November 21, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011: 10 Things I’m Thankful For (Or Something To That Effect)

1. I’m thankful for the fact that I’m not the least bit embarrassed to go commando underneath my yoga pants. Seriously…I saw some chick walk into Starbucks yesterday wearing workout pants with the clear outline of a thong underneath. Um…you can’t do Zumba in a thong unless you want it to wind up halfway up your ass, so I don’t even bother with underwear when I go to the gym. And if you run into me there now and the first thought that goes through your head is that I’m not wearing underwear? Good. That’s the idea. I’m glad somebody’s thinking about it.

2. Believe it or not, I’m thankful for that 8-day power outage we had a couple weeks ago. Wanna know why? Because I put on a good 5 pounds during that 8-day power outage, so my jeans are already freakin’ tight and I won’t have to blame on the damn turkey and mashed potatoes. I’ll go into the Thanksgiving meal looking and feeling like a stuffed turkey and I’ll come out looking and feeling like one. I won’t even notice the damn difference.

3. I’m thankful for my booze. Do I really need to elaborate on that one? I didn’t think so.

4. I’m thankful that I have a pretty freakin’ awesome sense of humor and don’t take myself too seriously. Here’s a good example: Last week I attended an event in Boston and scored a last-minute interview with Andrew Shue. (If you don’t know that he’s Billy from Melrose Place, then you are way too effin’ young to be reading this blog). Anyhoo…since the interview was last minute…I had no time to get any background info on him other than briefly glancing at his Wikipedia. And all it said was that he got hitched in 2010. So when I looked at him and asked when he and his new bride were going to start their own family? He looked at me and said, “I already have five kids.” Oops. My bad. Good thing I know how to laugh at MYSELF. Because Andrew Shue definitely wasn’t laughing. (Dude…lighten UP).

I don't think he liked me too much.

5. I’m thankful that once Thanksgiving is over, people will stop posting those “I’m Thankful For…” status updates on Facebook EVERY DAMN DAY. Honestly…I’m having a shitty month and there’s only so many unicorns and roses I can tolerate before leaving a comment like, “Oh, blow it out your ass already. PLEASE just go ahead and bitch and moan like the rest of us every other status update so you at least appear real.”

6. I’m thankful for the fact that there’s a pretty good chance that “Christmas Vacation” will air at some point during the Thanksgiving weekend. BEST MOVIE EVER. (And if you don’t like it, then you and I probably wouldn’t get along in real life). Did you people know that I do a pretty awesome Aunt Bethany impersonation? Here’s proof.

7. I’m thankful that I’m not a supermodel. Can you imagine the pressure those poor bitches will have to deal with when the Thanksgiving feast is brought out? It has to be complete torture for them. No thanks. I’ll take eating over looking like a toothpick any day. Toothpicks are highly overrated. (Post-Thanksgiving muffin tops are Mom Sexy, right)?

8. That post-Thanksgiving muffin top reminds me that I’m thankful that since it’s November, I still have about six or seven months to prepare for bikini season. I’m sure I’ll be ready by then. And if for some reason I’m not? I’ll wear the damn thing anyway. Look away if you can’t handle it. As long as I think I’m Mom Sexy then it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

9. I’m thankful that I only live about 15-minutes from the Massachusetts border. Because Massachusetts liquor stores are open on Sunday even though Connecticut liquor stores aren’t. (Damn Puritan bullshit). And something tells me that come Sunday, mama’s gonna need to restock.

10. I’m thankful that I started this blog 2-years ago, and that most of you still tolerate my ~~slightly offensive~~ delightful ass. Wow. I’m pretty freakin’ blessed or some shit like that.

Happy Fu%&in’ Thanksgiving Everyone!!

41 Comments
Posted Under: Thanksgiving

November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Confessions

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Today, of course, I am thankful for all that I have in life, and for my family and friends. In honor of showing my true appreciation for how blessed my life is, I feel the need to make a few confessions in the spirit of good karma.

Thanksgiving Confessions

1. My son is an early riser…and he also knows how to read the numbers on the clock. I tell him that he cannot wake me up until his clock reads 7:00am. I also set his clock about 10 minutes behind mine so that I can get 10 extra minutes of sleep each day. That’s right…I totally pulled a fast-one on my kid.

2. This year, I had our Thanksgiving dinner catered by Whole Foods. Actually, I have it catered by Whole Foods every year. It’s become kind of our little tradition. I guess you could say that we give thanks for the fact that we don’t have to cook for 20 people.

3. I planned on getting up today and heading straight out the door to 8:15 Thanksgiving Zumba. But then I had one extra vodka last night and decided that I didn’t want to get people drunk off my sweat, so I’m sitting on the couch blogging instead of shaking my ass.

4. I have a love/hate relationship with The Elf on the Shelf. On the one hand, he’s kinda cute, and my son loves him, and I get to use the hell out of him to get more good behavior out of my kid. Total plus. But most nights I forget to move him to a new location, and then I wake up at like 5:30am and remember that I forgot to move him, so I wind up stumbling down the stairs half-asleep just to move the little fuc*&%r to a new spot, and then I can’t get back to sleep.

5. I think Zac Efron is hot. The end.

6. I just let my kid eat Smart Puffs and Bunny Fruit Snacks for breakfast so that he’d let me blog.

7. I can’t lie. I HATE Black Friday. And no offense if you’re one of them, but I think that the 4:00am Black Friday shoppers are a little bit off their rockers. Do you really need a friggin’ toaster oven THAT bad??

8. I confess, I believe that there is no such thing as a “set” cocktail hour on holidays. If you want a martini at 10am on Thanksgiving, I say go for it. You’ll eat enough stuffing and mashed potatoes to soak it all up later.

9. As much as I love our low-key catered Thanksgiving dinner from Whole Foods, I’ll admit that I’m slightly envious that my mom gets to spend Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh with our family there. They’re a total hoot, so much fun, and I wish I got to see them more often. My family kicks ass.

10. I plan on trying to get the hubster drunk later so I can take advantage of him. That’s right…I plan on getting him lit so that he’ll let me order Sex and The City 2 off On Demand.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

21 Comments
Posted Under: Thanksgiving

November 26, 2009

Giving a Little Untraditional Thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am so excited that Turkey Day is finally here. For one thing, it’s the prelude to the whole holiday season…my absolute favorite time of year. It’s also the time of year for having plenty of opportunities to pig out with zero guilt, and to gather and catch up with family and friends that you haven’t seen in a while, which I am a total sucker for. There is just something so special about the holiday season that makes me feel like I’m a kid again. I still get excited for Santa to come and unlike a lot of New Englanders who choose to complain about it, I happen to LOVE the snow! The holiday season always has a way of reminding me to dream of good things to come in the new year…just as I did when I was younger, and Thanksgiving is the kick-off!

I figured that I just couldn’t possibly get through an entire Thanksgiving without writing about all of the wonderful things that I’m thankful for in my blessed life. Of course I am thankful for the obvious things in my world. I’m thankful to have the most wonderful parents that any child could ask for who love me unconditionally and support me in everything that I take on in life. I am thankful to have the most charming and adorable three-and-a-half year old on the planet and I’m even more thankful that he is 100% healthy and happy. There isn’t much more that a mother could ask for, and to me that is perfection. I am also thankful to have a husband who is willing to put up with my crap on a daily basis and still wants to be married to me. He is also an amazing father and wonderful provider and I’m a very lucky girl. Aside from the obvious things that I’m thankful for, however, I have to admit that there are plenty of “little things” that I am eternally grateful for as well. I thought it was only fit to give these little untraditional blessings the credit they deserve, so here goes nothing!

- I am thankful that I have been blessed with extremely small breasts. Yes, you heard me right. It is common knowledge that your boobs tend to sag after having a child, and I’ll just go ahead and put it out there that my tiny little A-cups are definitely pointing south. I can’t even imagine how far down they would hang if they were any bigger…at least with their miniscule size I can “fake it” with a good push-up bra.

- I am thankful that my beautiful little boy takes after his Daddy and picks up so quickly on technology. He isn’t even four years old yet and on more than one occasion I’ve had to ask him how to work the remote and turn on the TV. I am so thankful that I can rest assured that 10 years from now, he will be able to show me how to work whatever new cell phone is the “hot new thing” so that I’m actually able to call him to find out how to work the new remote to whatever is the new TV. Considering that I can’t work the one we have now, I’d find myself in a real jam without that kid.

- I am thankful that my son has given up his afternoon nap. For one thing, since he doesn’t nap anymore he usually goes to bed without a hitch. I am even more glad he doesn’t nap anymore though because I don’t have to worry about our neurotic neighbor waking him up each day with the lawnmower, leafblower, chainsaw, or snowblower. I mean, the guy is completely and totally obsessed and always seemed to have a sixth sense for recognizing the exact moment that I put my son down for a nap. He’s so obsessed that once in a while he even wanders over to our yard and runs the leafblower because he is sick and tired of our leaves blowing into his yard. Total psycho. I keep trying to convince the hubby to go out there one morning and stand on his front stoop banging on pots and pans. So far he hasn’t obliged.

- I am thankful that the neurotic neighbor does not read my blog and does not even know that I have a blog for that matter. I will be completely mortified if he ever finds out, or if he ever tries to friend me on Facebook. Considering the amount of shit I talk about this guy…and the fact that he is a corrections officer, I’d probably find myself in a bit of a pickle if he ever catches wind of how much I trash him. For now I’ll just keep doing the “neighborly” thing and wave hello and smile real big every time he looks over into our yard.

- I am thankful that there has not be one second in my life where I had rock-hard abs. My post-baby belly has been much less of a disappointment for me than so many other new moms because my expectations are so much lower. I mean, so what if I can see my tummy jiggle in the mirror while I’m brushing my teeth? Something like that would be much more traumatic had I ever been blessed with a six-pack.

- I am thankful that I’ve never been a huge fan of Black Friday and at 4:00am tomorrow morning, I will be happily sleeping in my warm bed instead of standing in a crowd of hundreds in front of Walmart waiting for the doors to open and reveal the deal of the century. Some people are brave enough to handle something like that…but not me. I’m too much of a wuss. Death by trampling? No thanks.

- I am thankful for reality TV shows that my husband and I watch because it makes us feel better about our own lives and puts things into perspective. I’d like to give special recognition to the “Real World Road Rules Challenge” for making us truly thankful that the hubster has a real job and doesn’t have to make a living by moving into a house with 20 drunks and a couple of strippers and competing in ridiculous activities such as being rolled down a hill in a tire and climbing on a metal cage suspended about ten stories in the air.

- I am thankful that the local liquor store in the center of town not only has great wine, but also comes fully equipped with a couple golden retrievers and a can of dum-dums at the check-out counter. It makes a trip there just as entertaining for my son as it is for me.

- I am thankful that I am just a regular human being and that I’m not a celebrity and don’t have to live up to the pressures of being a mom in Hollywood. I won’t get fired on Monday if my scale goes up five pounds over the weekend, so on that note, I plan on completely stuffing my face with all sorts of delicious Thanksgiving goodies.

- I am thankful that I did laundry this week and have a couple of fresh pairs of yoga pants upstairs that I can put on once my pants start cutting off my circulation after my Thanksgiving gorge session. Hmm…maybe I’ll have two desserts tonight!

The Mommyologist’s Last Word: “I wish you all a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving full of whatever your “little things” are!”