Halloween Is an Excuse for Adults to PARTY

YES! After quite a few years of waiting for the greatest night of the year to fall on a freakin’ weekend, it’s finally that time, my friends! Yes, I’m talking about Halloween, and yes, I might be a little bit more excited about it than … well, most parents.

Seriously, this Friday night could possibly prove to be more exciting than the time in college when I went to a Halloween party with my frat-daddy boyfriend dressed as a red M&M. And there was another blond chick at the same party dressed as a red M&M and he went up and goosed her by mistake instead of me and … that’s another story for another day.

I had the pleasure of chatting about why Halloween is a total excuse for adults to party like rock stars with the gang over at Mad Life.

Oh, and did I mention my neighborhood has a dirty little secret for making Halloween a hell of a lot more exciting than it probably should be? Check out the episode to steal my tip. (Warning: you might be the most popular person on the block after hearing what I have to say.)

 

Do you go all out for Halloween?

I’m Having a Mid-Life Crisis

Yes, Yes I am. I’m 36 years old — and in some ways, I feel like a few things are kinda over for me at this point.

Like fitting into the size 0 dress I wore for my rehearsal dinner. (Skinny bitch.) Or traveling the world for free all because of my kick ass career. Or … oh hell, being a 20-something again.

And I’m not the least bit ashamed of the fact that I’m having a mid-life crisis well before what most would consider to be mid-life — which is why I decided to blab all about it on an episode of CafeMom’s Mad Life.

As you will see — some people understand my frustrations and don’t think I’m full-blown bat shit crazy. (Or at least if they do, they keep it to themselves.)

Check out my pity party. You’re more than welcome to attend — no RSVP needed.

 

Are you having a mid-life crisis? (Let’s start our own club!)

Bieber Has Arrived (Video)

Well…I think it’s safe to say that from this day forward, my house will never be the same.

You see, my kid may only be 5-years old, but he’s got his shit together when it comes to his taste in music.

And little dude has officially caught on to the current trends and has joined the masses of crying teenagers everywhere.

That’s right…little dude is apparently a Justin Bieber fan.

This video was shot this morning in my kitchen before 8:00am.

BIEBER HAS ARRIVED.

 

 

Can I please have some coffee now?

Tips For New Parents That I Couldn’t Say on Television

Right before the Christmas break, I had the opportunity to appear on Mass Appeal, WWLP Channel 22, once again…this time to give some survival tips for new moms and dads. Mass Appeal’s host, Ashley, is about to have her first child any day now, so it seemed fitting for me to go on the show and discuss this topic right before her maternity leave.

While I gave what I thought was some pretty good advice for new parents during my segment on the show, there was plenty more I wanted to say…but it’s kind of frowned upon to swear on TV. On that note, I came up with a list of 10 additional tips for brand new moms and dads that I could not say on television without being escorted out by security.

First and foremost, here is the video clip of my Mass Appeal appearance:

 

 

Advice for New Moms & Dads: wwlp.com

 

Aren’t I a freakin’ sweetie pie?

Ok…here are 10 other brutally honest tips that I have for new moms and dads, all of which may scare the shit out them and make them resent ever having read this blog.

 

1. Learn to become completely immune to receiving the middle finger or hearing random outbursts of “Go Fu&% Yourself!” from your spouse. He/she is totally and completely overwhelmed and sleep deprived, and he/she knows not what he/she says. Consider expletives as terms of endearment immediately upon bringing home a newborn.

2. Moms – At least for the first couple of months, either break all of the freakin’ mirrors in your house or cover them up with tinfoil…especially the big one in the bathroom. Trust me…you don’t want to see your naked reflection right after you’ve pushed a child out of your va-jay-jay, and while there are random fluids leaking from every orifice of your body. Your Mom Sexy will eventually return…but at the beginning? Looking in the mirror can be detrimental to your psychological health.

3. Dads – (I say this with complete and total respect): Find a nice, quiet, dark place in your house to jack off. Because chances are you aren’t getting laid for at least 3-6 months. Deal with it, and every time you are horny as hell and get all pissed off that your wife doesn’t want to fu%& you, just stop for a moment and take time to be thankful that you didn’t have to squeeze a human head out of your penis.

4. Just because you are completely and totally fascinated by the color, size, shape, and smell of your baby’s poop doesn’t mean that every single person you encounter will be as mesmerized by it. Consider your baby’s poop to be a secret, intimate conversation that is reserved for your spouse, the grandparents, your pediatrician, and for your good friends who have kids. Assume that anyone outside the scope of those particular individuals doesn’t give a shit…(no pun intended).

5. Ladies…take all of your sexy thong underwear and hide it in the back of your dresser somewhere for use at a later date. I’m sorry to break it to you…but the mesh panties you brought home from the hospital are about as close to lingerie as you’re going to get for at least a couple of months. Sad, but true.

6. Don’t expect too damn much the first time that you finally have sex again after getting the all-clear from the OBGYN. First-time sex after childbirth pretty much resembles regular first-time sex. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and odds are good that you will have to fake the big “O”. The only difference between losing your virginity and having post-baby sex for the first time is that this time you’ll be hurrying things up not because you have no clue what you’re doing, but instead because you know that there is only a small window of time to get it on in between middle of the night feedings. Hump while you can…and hump FAST.

7. Before scheduling a girls or boys night out, always consult your spouse first to make sure that he/she knows you are planning on hitting the town without him or her. Gone are the days of calling on the way home from work to tell your spouse that you are stopping by your favorite local bar to have a couple cocktails. NOPE. You’ve gotta get that shit approved and scheduled on the calendar EACH AND EVERY TIME. Your days of spontaneity and flying by the seat of your pants are totally over. (For at least the next five years or more).

8. If you’re one of those people who is OCD either about having a perfectly clean house or having everything put in its place at all times or a combination of both of these things, then you’d better think about seeing a hypnotist immediately. Because you’re pretty much up shit creek.

9. Get yourself used to the idea of being pissed on, shit on, barfed on, or a random combination of the three. It’s inevitable that you will find yourself in a scenario like this sometime (if not more than once) in the next year or so. It’s important to learn to recognize the signs of being in a moment when you are about to be pissed on, shit on, or barfed on, and brace yourself accordingly. You also need to learn to part ways with whatever outfit you happen to be wearing when said situation occurs. The dumpster works way better than the washing machine in most cases.

10. Stop beating yourself up and asking whether or not this was the right time in your life to have kids, because the truth is that no time is ever the RIGHT time. Enjoy the good moments, support each other during the challenging ones, and on those days when you truly feel like you are at your wits end, repeat this phrase in your head, “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.” Trust me…in a few years…you’ll have your life back, so to speak…and then you’ll wonder where in the hell the time went. Life with a newborn is not easy…but it WILL get better. I PROMISE.

(And yes…MOST people eventually start having regular sex again. I figured that any dads reading this quit paying attention the minute I said that they probably wouldn’t get laid for 3-6 months, so I thought it was best to throw this disclaimer in).

 

Get Over Yourself And Get Mom Sexy! (VIDEO)

 

 

“I CAN‘T do that. I wouldn’t be any good at it.”

“I could NEVER do what those women do…they’re so much stronger than me.”

“I’ll do it SOMEDAY. Right now I’m just not ready.”

 

Have you ever heard yourself saying one of those statements either out loud or in your head? Have you ever said those words and actually BELIEVED them?

Are you standing in your own way of feeling confident and getting your MOM SEXY back?

Then I have a little weekend challenge for you. Watch my video clip below to find out how I realized that the only person that can truly stop you from feeling Mom Sexy is YOU.

 

GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY!

 

10-Day Detox Results: Plus How You Can Win Your Own Custom Detox Plan Worth $129!

Well everyone…I did it!!

I gave up coffee. I gave up booze. I gave up processed foods. And today, 10-days after I began my customized detox plan from Whole Health Designs, I’m feeling like a new woman. A CLEAN woman. A MOM SEXY woman.

To hear my results of the 10-day detox, and to see if I managed to squeeze back into my favorite Seven For All Mankind jeans again, watch the video clip below!

 

 

Ok, so here are the details on how you can get your detox on with Lisa from Whole Health Designs! You can either contact Lisa on Twitter or Facebook and sign up for one of her plans….OR….you can enter to win a 30-minute phone consultation with Lisa AND a customized detox plan worth $129! Lisa is wonderful to work with…you’ll feel like you are talking to an old friend when you speak to her, I promise!

To enter, simply be one of the first 20 people to sign up for Lisa’s guide, 5 Shockingly Simple Steps to Getting Your Hot Body Back For Good.

From the first 20 people who sign up, Lisa will choose a winner at random. Easy-peasy, right?

Thank you so much for all of your support during my 10-day hiatus from some of my favorite things. This was an amazing experience, and I am SO happy to be back on the health kick bandwagon!

 

*Disclosure: I was not compensated for this post, however, I did receive a free consultation and custom detox plan from Whole Health Designs in exchange for my reviewing the program. All opinions expressed in this post are strictly my own.

My Trip To Los Angeles For ConAgra’s Child Hunger Ends Here Campaign

Now that things are finally getting back into some sort of a routine around here, I think that it’s about time that I told you all about my trip to Los Angeles at the end of August as a blogger correspondent for ConAgra’s Child Hunger Ends Here fall campaign. ConAgra has partnered with Schools Fight Hunger in an effort to give 5 million meals to Feeding America.

My Los Angeles trip was a whirlwind weekend that was eye opening, informative, and also a lot of fun (even though Hurricane Irene forced me to leave a little bit early)!

The first thing that we did upon arriving in Los Angeles after having lunch and networking for a bit was to hop on a bus and tour the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank. For whatever reason, whenever I heard the term “food bank,” I always pictured something that was more of a “food pantry.” I figured it was some little building with a little room with shelves in the back and cans stacked on them.

Boy was I wrong!

The Los Angeles Regional Food Bank is actually MUCH larger than I thought…and though there definitely were “shelves” with food stacked on them, they were quite a bit higher than I could reach!

 

 

 

We were given a tour of the facility and got a good idea of how everything works and how local organizations get their food from the food bank to give to people in need. Every city in this country has a centralized food bank similar to the one in Los Angeles that is the source for all food donations made. From that location, charitable organizations pick up their food and distribute it from their own locations.

Along with learning more about how food banks work, our group did a service project for the LA Regional Food Bank. Our task was to sort through bins of tomatoes and separate the good ones from the ones that we most definitely would not want to see in our own grocery bags.

The majority of people who are seeking food assistance are not people who are homeless or on welfare…these are people just like us who are having a tough time in this economy and need a little help. It is a very humbling experience to stand in line for food, so the food bank ensures that everything that is donated is of top quality. We wound up going through 3700 pounds of tomatoes, which were then donated the following week!

 

Sorting Tomatoes

 

Our group at the LA Regional Food Bank

 

The actual kick-off event for the Child Hunger Ends Here campaign was the following morning right on Hollywood Boulevard. Let me just tell you…if you’ve never been to Hollywood, it’s probably not what you have pictured in your head. I’d say that the people watching alone is similar to what you see on the Las Vegas strip. It’s loud, there are crowds everywhere, and odds are good that you’ll see a man walking around in a Yoda costume.

 

Me & the other bloggers at the kick-off event on Hollywood Blvd.

 

The goal for the kick-off event was to pack bags full of ConAgra products to give back to the food bank to be sent out to those in need, and we had a very special celebrity helping us with this initiative!

Mark Salling from Glee was there to speak about why it was important for him to get involved with Child Hunger Ends Here. I have to admit that I did not get to meet Mark or see him pack any bags because I had to leave the event for LAX right after he came out, but I did at least see him take the podium! (And yes, he’s pretty freakin’ good looking).

 

Mark Salling, a.k.a. "Puck" from Glee

 

Now that I’m back home, I can’t wait to help spread the word about how people can get involved with this campaign in their own communities.

There are two ways that you can be a part of “Child Hunger Ends Here” and help a few less children go to school hungry in this country.

1.) Register your school at ChildHungerEndsHere.com and help your school host its own food drive. Every school registered will also be entered to win $10,000 towards field trips!

2.) Collect the UPC code labels from the boxes and/or cans of ConAgra products, and then give them a participating school in your area. Schools can be found at SchoolsFightHunger.org. The school will then send in the UPC codes to ConAgra. For each UPC code sent in, ConAgra will donate one more meal to Feeding America.

This is such an easy way to give back, and to get your children involved with helping others! I hope you will join in!

Last week, I appeared on Mass Appeal again to talk about my trip to Los Angeles and the Child Hunger Ends Here campaign. Below is the video clip from my segment.

Disclosure: I am being compensated as a blogger correspondent for the Child Hunger Ends Here campaign. My travel and lodging expenses for the Los Angeles trip were also taken care of. All opinions expressed in this post are my own and were not influenced by ConAgra.